Should I lower my expectations or am I just cursed ?

[scott_not_nice]

23 m gay.

I have very little experience sexually and practically none romantically even though I've been craving it for what feels like an eternity.

For example, my first kiss was with a guy that I had a crush on in college. After years of knowing each other and me secretly wanting him, I made a move and it turned out he was not opposed to experimenting as long as my wallet was not too far away. I was 21 and her was 23 at the time.

We ended up not going too far even though I had been extremely generous towards him. (Probably also because I didn't want to go all the way with someone that didn't really want to be with me)

Fast forward to 2024. I feel like everything is alright, I have an apartment, a job, all that, I have the chance to be leaving in South Africa now, where being gay is okay. But I struggle to meet people and when I do it always ends up fading away in one way or another, really, and my loneliness is k i l l i n g me.

I thought I might just be demisexual but I recently realised that a part of me was okay with the idea of having someone, even if the person's lying to love me or whatever. So I tried to recreate that feeling by paying for someone's company but I have been stood up a handful of time by so called professionals (whole other story...).

Now here I am. It might all come down to me expecting too much from people but when I have to literally beg people... I don't know

 

[Realbigandlong1]

Don’t ever beg anyone to be with you, I’ll say that first and secondly start trying to do things alone and enjoy your own company. I’ve learned that getting back into the dating scene, especially in the gay community, is that a lot of guys don’t want companionship, they just want sex so you gotta do you and love yourself and eventually someone that accepted you for you will come along.

 

[ILoveGames48]

The gay scene is not different that straight scene .. there’s just as many straight men not wanting a relationship..

It saddens me that people try to say gay men don’t want relationships.. that’s a bunch of bullshit ..

There is this point though about not begging someone to be with you.. I totally agree with you on that.. just be yourself .. and I am sure over time things will happen for you..

It takes more than one time goi out and then saying “ fuck.. no one’s interested in me” …

If go out especially to same places that are gay oriented then people will see you more and then want to get to know you..


In some places people see a new face and kind of steer clear until see if comes back and then want to proceed with things..

Then there’s guys like me out there willing to be with you just for the simple fact we love sex .. it’s not don’t want relationship or commitment — and there’s nothing wrong with that ..

 

[Infernal]

Keep your standards, but go into things with no expectations. Let whatever happens happen. If it isn't meant to be, then maybe you've met a new friend or just had a good time.

 

[Realbigandlong1]

The gay scene is not different that straight scene .. there’s just as many straight men not wanting a relationship..

It saddens me that people try to say gay men don’t want relationships.. that’s a bunch of bullshit ..

There is this point though about not begging someone to be with you.. I totally agree with you on that.. just be yourself .. and I am sure over time things will happen for you..

It takes more than one time goi out and then saying “ fuck.. no one’s interested in me” …

If go out especially to same places that are gay oriented then people will see you more and then want to get to know you..


In some places people see a new face and kind of steer clear until see if comes back and then want to proceed with things..

Then there’s guys like me out there willing to be with you just for the simple fact we love sex .. it’s not don’t want relationship or commitment — and there’s nothing wrong with that ..

The statement about gay men not wanting relationships and companionship is my experience and my opinion. It may not be your experience but to call it bullshit is beyond me. Most men, in my experience, lately, say they want something but it was just a sex thing or a fling, which is fine, but the lying has to stop. I do agree that this happens in the straight community, as well, but more in the gay community, in my opinion.

 

[Odyssey Land]

My advice to young gays.

- Monogamy is a myth.
- Go to the gym.
- Invest in the S&P500.
- Stop watching romcoms.

 

[scott_not_nice]

Breaking news guys. first and foremost thanks for your precious advice. I totally understand where they come from and I think I’m already applying most of them to some degree. When I was younger I was a pretty sad kid but I definitely grew and improved myself in these areas, wether it be being more social, working on myself, being okay with my own company etc.

But today I attempted for the 3rd of 4th time to have a professional come over, not even to have sex but just to spend time with me.

Obviously they didn’t come and I was waiting for hours. But I wanted answers so I asked them what happened and if it was because they thought I was ugly or what not.

Usually I just don’t insist and we never speak again but this time I needed to know.

And I kid you not they told me they had a car accident on their way to my place… how am I supposed to not think I’m cursed ?

 

[ILoveGames48]

My advice to young gays.

- Monogamy is a myth.
- Go to the gym.
- Invest in the S&P500.
- Stop watching romcoms.

Monogamy exists if want it to..
Going to the gym is a good thing but some things are out of your control .. I know guys and girls that were thin 10 years ago .. and put on 30 to40 lbs if not more .. it’s called a metabolism… sometimes it gets out of whack

 

[ILoveGames48]

Also the comment you made I lost. /topic… when ever you set your limits so high.. and wonder if you should lower them.. … what does that tell you?


You.. like a lot of other people.. think that there is no one good enough for you so you put your expectations high and think if don’t find what looking for .. it’s everyone else’s fault but your own..



Accept someone for who they are and they will do same to you and go from there..

 

[ddilm8]

There is definitely a need for you to cross a threshold of minimum statistics before you can speak to some people and maybe they’re not the people you need or want. You are young and have loads of time to experiment. there is honestly more than one person for everyone

 

[Urien]

My advice to young gays.

- Monogamy is a myth.
- Go to the gym.
- Invest in the S&P500.
- Stop watching romcoms.

My advice to young(er) gays is the above but with more details and a few more things.

- Reality is what you make of it. You can will anything into existence, and if enough people choose to will something at the same time, it becomes real. Find someone who will create monogamy with you. I'm utterly promiscuous but when it comes to relationships I am a strict monogamist and want the same only. There are enough of us out there to each find someone. Don't lose hope, but until then love (verb) yourself everyday - Have fun with your body and live your life. Nobody said that you have to stand still while waiting.

- Go to the gym for your mental health first and foremost. If you go to the gym to look like a pornstar beefcake and get laid you will be miserable. That will come in time if you are disciplined. And avoid steroids until after 35 at least if you must and only with the medical supervision.

- Yes, but why? I can honestly tell you the hard truth, being single and gay is already difficult, but being single, gay, old, and poor is a cruel joke. Make money, save it, it will fortify your life in your later years. If you're gonna cry yourself to sleep, at least make sure they are silk sheets.

- Read more books. Great Gay/Lesbian writers, philosophers, artists throughout history put their light and love in their work for you. Don't squander the opportunity to learn from your ancestors. Without them there would be no civilization. Yes you heard me. It will change your life.

These last 2 are quotes I live by from her holiness Madonna.

- "If you have to ask for something more than once or twice, it was never yours in the place." Don't beg, for anything, certainly not a man. And if you really want something, appeal to their self interest to get it.

- "Those who don't say what they want, don't get what they want." Don't be afraid to put your goals, desires, out there. To articulate them into words. Most people are deathly afraid of others and themselves, even when they look like armored steel. Be bold. If you want monogamy, fucking live by it, and do not compromise. There are others like you waiting. But also follow the first quote.
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You're so young, so don't forget to be happy. Don't hesitate to come here and ask anything. I wish I had a place like this growing up. All the best love.

 

[JiaFei_Dai]

I think socializing needs to be supported by experience, you can lower your expectations appropriately, you don't need every relationship to be perfect, be bold and try more, and if it doesn't work out, then just get along. Even if you don't meet in person, just chatting online will help you gain experience and make it easier to maintain a relationship.
A good relationship should be equal, you do not want to put yourself in such a low posture to beg, this kind of attitude is very stressful, feel uncomfortable, but also let the other side more contempt for you.
You don't owe anyone anything, you mentioned that you paid someone to come on a date but they blew it off, surely that's not your problem ah, it's theirs.

 

[scott_not_nice]

I think socializing needs to be supported by experience, you can lower your expectations appropriately, you don't need every relationship to be perfect, be bold and try more, and if it doesn't work out, then just get along. Even if you don't meet in person, just chatting online will help you gain experience and make it easier to maintain a relationship.
A good relationship should be equal, you do not want to put yourself in such a low posture to beg, this kind of attitude is very stressful, feel uncomfortable, but also let the other side more contempt for you.
You don't owe anyone anything, you mentioned that you paid someone to come on a date but they blew it off, surely that's not your problem ah, it's theirs.

Thank you, yes I'm attempting to chat with more people online. I also envisaged trying to talk to people at the gym but everyone is so intimidating and I'm so scared to bother them lol. But at least I'm trying I guess, and if it doesn't work out, well not everyone can win I suppose

 

[JiaFei_Dai]

Thank you, yes I'm attempting to chat with more people online. I also envisaged trying to talk to people at the gym but everyone is so intimidating and I'm so scared to bother them lol. But at least I'm trying I guess, and if it doesn't work out, well not everyone can win I suppose

Everyone in the world has their own personality problems, can not get along can be too normal.
Relax, let's not talk about getting into a relationship, I think it's hard to meet the right person just to socialize and make friends.
I don't know, I seldom socialize with others at the gym, so making friends at the gym might be okay, but finding a relationship is a bit weird.
But I hope it goes well for you.