It's that time of the month, kids! Yet another update that nobody asked for on the increasingly chaotic mess that is me trying (and usually failing) to figure out my sexual orientation!
So recently I've been going to a therapist for issues mostly unrelated to my sexuality (just, you know, major depressive episodes, generalized anxiety, passive suicide ideation, nbd) but we've gotten into the weeds in regards to the topic of my sexual orientation.
This therapist lady is good because she got me to realize 2 things:
1) I am, indeed, sexually attracted to women. So attracted, in fact, that it's causing me a kind of pre-emptive performance anxiety. You know how performance anxiety is a self-fulfilling prophecy because you're afraid you're not gonna be able to get it up and that anxiety effectively causes that you can't get it up? Well, that shit's so strong with me that I'm even getting it when jerking off to women. I think I'm not going to be able to get hard enough and so I don't. I'm literally afraid to disappoint a picture. Troy Barnes was wrong.
2) So what about men? Well, starting next year I may finally get a chance to leave home and go live on my own in a different city, so naturally I'm thinking about going on the apps, trying to hook up, etc. But why is my first thought wanting to hook up with guys instead of girls? Well, that's easy: With men, it'd be just sexual. I'm not interested in having an actual relationship with a man, so there's zero pressure in that regard. It'd be just a hook up, so I'm not worried about catching feels or my performance or lack of experience. I literally just want to get pounded in the ass and get to suck dick for the first time. That simplicity makes it so, well, simple. And somehow that also translates into my masturbation habits: Jerking off to hot men is easier and gets me harder because I THINK it's easier and gets me harder. It's another self-fulfilling prophecy. I trained my brain and my dick to cum faster and get harder to pics of men, Pavlov-style.
So that's been my revelation, which on hindsight was pretty damn obvious but it came as a shock to me. Basically, as the therapist says, it's easier for me to think sexually about men because there's nothing else in it for me and because I'm laboring under the impression (or stereotype?) that sex with men is easier, more accessible and meaningless. Apparently I'm under the delusion that if I want to fuck a dude I can just go to a sauna, a bar, get on the apps etc, and eventually something will present itself, but with a woman is much harder, more demanding and more intimidating.
So recently I've been going to a therapist for issues mostly unrelated to my sexuality (just, you know, major depressive episodes, generalized anxiety, passive suicide ideation, nbd) but we've gotten into the weeds in regards to the topic of my sexual orientation.
This therapist lady is good because she got me to realize 2 things:
1) I am, indeed, sexually attracted to women. So attracted, in fact, that it's causing me a kind of pre-emptive performance anxiety. You know how performance anxiety is a self-fulfilling prophecy because you're afraid you're not gonna be able to get it up and that anxiety effectively causes that you can't get it up? Well, that shit's so strong with me that I'm even getting it when jerking off to women. I think I'm not going to be able to get hard enough and so I don't. I'm literally afraid to disappoint a picture. Troy Barnes was wrong.
2) So what about men? Well, starting next year I may finally get a chance to leave home and go live on my own in a different city, so naturally I'm thinking about going on the apps, trying to hook up, etc. But why is my first thought wanting to hook up with guys instead of girls? Well, that's easy: With men, it'd be just sexual. I'm not interested in having an actual relationship with a man, so there's zero pressure in that regard. It'd be just a hook up, so I'm not worried about catching feels or my performance or lack of experience. I literally just want to get pounded in the ass and get to suck dick for the first time. That simplicity makes it so, well, simple. And somehow that also translates into my masturbation habits: Jerking off to hot men is easier and gets me harder because I THINK it's easier and gets me harder. It's another self-fulfilling prophecy. I trained my brain and my dick to cum faster and get harder to pics of men, Pavlov-style.
So that's been my revelation, which on hindsight was pretty damn obvious but it came as a shock to me. Basically, as the therapist says, it's easier for me to think sexually about men because there's nothing else in it for me and because I'm laboring under the impression (or stereotype?) that sex with men is easier, more accessible and meaningless. Apparently I'm under the delusion that if I want to fuck a dude I can just go to a sauna, a bar, get on the apps etc, and eventually something will present itself, but with a woman is much harder, more demanding and more intimidating.
