So I think I may be bi after all?

[BifuriousJoel]

It's that time of the month, kids! Yet another update that nobody asked for on the increasingly chaotic mess that is me trying (and usually failing) to figure out my sexual orientation!

So recently I've been going to a therapist for issues mostly unrelated to my sexuality (just, you know, major depressive episodes, generalized anxiety, passive suicide ideation, nbd) but we've gotten into the weeds in regards to the topic of my sexual orientation.

This therapist lady is good because she got me to realize 2 things:

1) I am, indeed, sexually attracted to women. So attracted, in fact, that it's causing me a kind of pre-emptive performance anxiety. You know how performance anxiety is a self-fulfilling prophecy because you're afraid you're not gonna be able to get it up and that anxiety effectively causes that you can't get it up? Well, that shit's so strong with me that I'm even getting it when jerking off to women. I think I'm not going to be able to get hard enough and so I don't. I'm literally afraid to disappoint a picture. Troy Barnes was wrong.

2) So what about men? Well, starting next year I may finally get a chance to leave home and go live on my own in a different city, so naturally I'm thinking about going on the apps, trying to hook up, etc. But why is my first thought wanting to hook up with guys instead of girls? Well, that's easy: With men, it'd be just sexual. I'm not interested in having an actual relationship with a man, so there's zero pressure in that regard. It'd be just a hook up, so I'm not worried about catching feels or my performance or lack of experience. I literally just want to get pounded in the ass and get to suck dick for the first time. That simplicity makes it so, well, simple. And somehow that also translates into my masturbation habits: Jerking off to hot men is easier and gets me harder because I THINK it's easier and gets me harder. It's another self-fulfilling prophecy. I trained my brain and my dick to cum faster and get harder to pics of men, Pavlov-style.

So that's been my revelation, which on hindsight was pretty damn obvious but it came as a shock to me. Basically, as the therapist says, it's easier for me to think sexually about men because there's nothing else in it for me and because I'm laboring under the impression (or stereotype?) that sex with men is easier, more accessible and meaningless. Apparently I'm under the delusion that if I want to fuck a dude I can just go to a sauna, a bar, get on the apps etc, and eventually something will present itself, but with a woman is much harder, more demanding and more intimidating.

 

[JBD_Mikk]

It's too bad the first replies you got were so thoughtless, because you've articulated your dilemma well.

I would just suggest not worrying about labels in the first place. I'd never considered the label "bi" for myself until I joined here, and the approximate straight / gay split I had entered was interpreted that way (I still just think of myself as "not entirely straight")

If you haven't actually had sex with a woman yet, maybe wait and see until it happens in a relationship. That's what I did - and while there was initial anxiety the first few times, that quickly dissipated thanks to the closeness and trust we had built up beforehand.

The opportunity to experiment with another guy may not present itself right away - but when it does, go for it and see how it feels, and whether you experience the same kind of performance anxiety. That might also provide a greater confirmation of any bi leanings than hypothetical thoughts beforehand.

 

[WilliamG]

...Basically, as the therapist says, it's easier for me to think sexually about men because there's nothing else in it for me and because I'm laboring under the impression (or stereotype?) that sex with men is easier, more accessible and meaningless. Apparently I'm under the delusion that if I want to fuck a dude I can just go to a sauna, a bar, get on the apps etc, and eventually something will present itself, but with a woman is much harder, more demanding and more intimidating.

You want to suck a dick and get fucked..? The world is your oyster. It's pretty easy now with apps. As long as you enjoy it... Have at it. There is no label for this. It's just you.

 

[jasonkenny]

I have a friend in the same situation. He has only been with one woman. He eventually wants a relationship with a woman, and even children. But he regularly hooks up with guys on Grindr because it is so easy to get to have sex with men. He has no interest in a romantic relationship with a man.

 

[WebMale80]

i completely identify with your situation. I love women I pursue them romantically however I have always been turned on by sexy flesh regardless of gender or whatever
It really is easier and in some ways more fulfilling with men I don’t have to be very emotionally delicate with.
I have a smallish dick that causes me endless anxiety with women but seeing my little dick sized next to a much bigger cock makes me impossibly hard.
It doesn’t make conventional sense but it makes all the sense in the world
in Sub vs Alpha pairing.
Men and women fulfill different sides of my sexuality it I’m happier when I don’t fight it

Whoever mentioned private saunas is totally right.
I used to frequent bath houses all throughout college. It’s a great way to explore fantasies and desires anonymously.

 

[bigboaster]

Happy for your growth and revelation. Keep on moving and figuring things out.

 

[Brodie888]

Sometimes, we can try to convince ourselves of things because of our own internal bias.

ie We may want a falsehood to be true, so we create a story to make it sound like it could be true.

Nobody can really see what is inside our minds, others can only make conclusions based off what we are willing to tell them.

Paralysis by analysis is a cage of your own making. Rather than worrying about a label, the best way sometimes is keeping an open mind and just learning through experience.