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Trans Relationship Advice

Discussion in 'Ask a Transgender Person' started by ohio_dude, Feb 20, 2021.

  1. ohio_dude

    ohio_dude Expert Member

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    Hi all,

    TLDR: don’t enjoy sex with trans gf, breaking up will likely have disastrous psychological consequences. Please advise?

    I know this is a rather impersonal place to ask this question but I don’t have anyone I can turn to for advice with this. I’ve been dating a trans girl (MtF) for almost three years now, we live together, we love each other, we’re incredibly intimate. However, we’ve more or less stopped having sex (for a number of issues that I’ll get into) and I’m not quite sure how to talk with my SO about it. I don’t want to break up with her, and I imagine a breakup will destroy her whole world, but I do need some sort of change in my life to be happy... the classic rock and a hard place.

    I’m a total oral/top and she’s a total oral bottom. The way I see it, I don’t care what’s between your legs when it comes to foolin around time I want to please you and I really enjoy foreplay. Over time, her specific dysmorphia has gotten to the point where she doesn’t even like her dick being touched. I can totally respect this, her dick isn’t mine it’s hers, but at the same time she also doesn’t enjoy being fingered, so that leaves us with little to no foreplay.

    And now for the kicker, I’ve come to realize I just don’t enjoy anal sex very much. In the beginning everything was fine because it’s exciting being with a new person, but I’ve always had trouble orgasming when doing anal and it’s gotten to the point where I have trouble looking forward to it and staying hard to even get inside her.

    She says she’d enjoy having more sex too (we talk about how busy we’ve been) but at the same time she doesn’t seem to be chomping at the bit, just low drive I’d assume. Or maybe she feels my reluctant energy?

    There’s obvious surgical solutions, but neither of us have the money for that and frankly she doesn’t seem to have the drive to make the money necessary even if I were to contribute. If that were to happen it would be years down the road.

    Do I give up on an enjoyable sex life for love? Do I try to work out an “on the side” arrangement? I imagine telling her “sorry, I just don’t enjoy fucking you in the only hole you have” will drive her dysmorphia to the max and cause irreparable harm to her self image and self esteem, let alone break her heart.

    Thanks for listening, any advice you have would be great.
     
  2. cherryboom66

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    One. You sound like a prick.

    Two. Yeah, that’s all I’ve got.
     
  3. ohio_dude

    ohio_dude Expert Member

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    I won’t deny that I feel like a prick feeling this way, and maybe I just am a prick. I’m trying to figure out how to rationalize these emotions that I don’t want to be feeling though. Thanks for your opinion
     
  4. cherryboom66

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    She is going through one of the most difficult things any person has to go through.... and your top priority is sex. Talk to her. Grow with her, learn with her. Find out how SHE is doing.
     
  5. Athena Kolva

    Athena Kolva Expert Member

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    I would say take a look at the situation from a third person perspective.

    Followed by, you need to do what is best for BOTH you, AND her. If deep down you love her, sex is nothing, it's just an addition, and it shouldn't matter regardless.

    However, if you in fact have conflicted feelings about loving her unequally, consider your future, her future, are you really happy, etc. This weight is going to project itself onto her over time more and more. I think you should be open about your feelings, but be very clear in explaining why you feel the way you do, so that nothing is perceived wrong.

    Ultimately I want you both to be happy, and if one of you isn't, it's taking away from both parties, and wastes time.

    I wish you both the best on your journey.
     
  6. AlyssaMTF

    AlyssaMTF Expert Member

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    First, I applaud your seeking advice. So many guys would walk away because the situation isn't exactly what they imagined. Good on you.

    Second, you need to understand that libido during transition is a fragile thing at best. Many express a complete loss of sex drive while others, like myself, see a radical change in our sexual desires. In my case, my sex drive is less of an obsession than it was, perhaps less intense is a better way to describe it. Not only is it less intense but it is accompanied by an absolute need to be penetrated, to feel him inside me. There is really nothing else that will motivate me.

    By all means DO NOT project how my sex drive manifests itself on her. We are all different. She may share some of that change with me but it's just as likely she doesn't. My point being that her desires are so different than your own now and most likely different than her own just a short time ago that there is no cut and dried equation that will answer your question or predict the future.. And her sex drive is only one of the changes she is experiencing.

    Seems you love her enough to seek council and you do appreciate the "hot buttons" that will send our dysphoria into hyperdrive. And you care enough to not do that to her. I'm confident that if you love her enough you'll find the patience to find the solution. Just know there is no simple answer.
     
    the.red.viper, Mister2101 and jakv8 like this.
  7. jakv8

    jakv8 Expert Member

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    My libido lowered as well from HRT and my bf has a higher sex drive. Couples counseling is a GREAT option and helped us tremendously especially around year 6z

    Clearly you love her and opening up the communication means talking about the hard things. Talk to her, listen to her, ask her how she's feeling as well. Honest and open communication is how your relationship can survive in a healthy way.

    My bf and I talked about it and the types of sex we like to have. We even entertained the idea of a safe third party, voyeur sex clubs, and porn. These may or may not be options for you both, but you'll have to talk about it and work through it together.

    There are other groups online about parters of trans folks. I'll post any my bf uses.

    Good luck!
     
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