Uncertainty in my sexuality

[ddgggg]

Hey, I had been having trouble figuring out my sexuality since I was a teen. I feel like I feel a certain way when I see a guy I find attractive vs. when I see a woman I find attractive, and when I watch...videos, I focus almost solely on the guy. When I try to focus on the woman, I hardly feel anything. At the same time, I feel like I might not feel as strongly about having sex with a guy as I would with a woman. At the same time, I scared. I really want to be straight, as my family would be more likely to support me. Plus, it feels more conventionally masculine for a guy to be in a relationship with a woman, and I want to be perceived in that way so badly. Does anyone have any advice as to how I should go about this? It's part of the reason why I'm already 20 and haven't been in a relationship (and am still a virgin).

 

[tackle out]

Very difficult to know the extent of your same-sex attraction from a single post, but it looks very much like there's at least something there to be explored. A couple of things to consider: first, you might want to be straight but you can't will yourself to be straight. Being gay or bi and then suppressing it might be something that people are forced to do in very repressive cultures where non-hetero behaviour can be especially dangerous, but it is never healthy. Secondly, being masc - which is a very broad term anyway - and fucking with men ain't mutually exclusive!

Ultimately, you are an adult and your sexuality and sex life are your business. The best way to work through your feelings about sexual attraction is to get out there, hook up with people where there's a mutual attraction and have sex with them. You'll very soon know whether you're strongly into one sex or the other or somewhere inbetween, and (provided you take all the usual precautions, of course,) it will do you no harm if you have a bit of rough and tumble with a man and then decide "no, this doesn't feel quite right, it ain't for me." So, stop worrying, get out there and enjoy yourself!

 

[Brodie888]

Firstly, the only thing I can say with certainty is that you are not heterosexual and that's never going to change.

Most likely you are a bisexual. The ratio of which is difficult to determine as only you really know the answer.

You could also be gay but because of how desperate you are to be straight, you may be in denial or self deluding yourself because you feel some kind of internalized homophobia.

As someone who tried to be straight when I wasn't in order to fit in and please others, I would not advise taking that path. I regret the years I lost not being myself and missing out on the experiences I should have been having.

Most importantly, you don't need to know right now. Life is a journey, go out and experiment (safely). In time, the answer will become clear to you.

 

[Brodie888]

Something I would like to add is that being gay doesn't make you any less masculine.

Perhaps you believe this because your only real experience with gay men is what you see on tv or what you spot on the street from a distance. These people only represent a certain part of the community, not the whole community.

You see them on tv because it makes straight people feel comfortable to be able to pick out gay people from afar. The fact is they probably have a gay person in their own family who they would never have guessed.

When I was younger, I couldn't identify myself as being a part of those people either. The only thing different between me and a straight man is my devotion to gay sex. We are probably the least represented form of gay man on tv but that is changing.

 

[ddgggg]

Very difficult to know the extent of your same-sex attraction from a single post, but it looks very much like there's at least something there to be explored. A couple of things to consider: first, you might want to be straight but you can't will yourself to be straight. Being gay or bi and then suppressing it might be something that people are forced to do in very repressive cultures where non-hetero behaviour can be especially dangerous, but it is never healthy. Secondly, being masc - which is a very broad term anyway - and fucking with men ain't mutually exclusive!

I appreciate the advice. I know that I can't feasibly change my sexuality, and I know that being gay and being conventionally masculine aren't mutually exclusive. However, not everyone thinks that, and it worries me. Like I see how in social media, the idea of being in a straight couple is considered attractive by people, and I want to be considered attractive in the same way. As it is, my dad is lowkey really homophobic - he's the type to try to pretend as though he's not, but it trickles down in his words (like using gay as an insult). Plus, he's said he would love if I had kids when I'm older, and I get the feeling he wouldn't be thrilled if I didn't...

Ultimately, you are an adult and your sexuality and sex life are your business. The best way to work through your feelings about sexual attraction is to get out there, hook up with people where there's a mutual attraction and have sex with them. You'll very soon know whether you're strongly into one sex or the other or somewhere inbetween, and (provided you take all the usual precautions, of course,) it will do you no harm if you have a bit of rough and tumble with a man and then decide "no, this doesn't feel quite right, it ain't for me." So, stop worrying, get out there and enjoy yourself!

I'm so afraid of hooking up though - I'm not really attractive enough to do that, and it seems so scary

 

[Brodie888]

I appreciate the advice. I know that I can't feasibly change my sexuality, and I know that being gay and being conventionally masculine aren't mutually exclusive. However, not everyone thinks that, and it worries me. Like I see how in social media, the idea of being in a straight couple is considered attractive by people, and I want to be considered attractive in the same way. As it is, my dad is lowkey really homophobic - he's the type to try to pretend as though he's not, but it trickles down in his words (like using gay as an insult). Plus, he's said he would love if I had kids when I'm older, and I get the feeling he wouldn't be thrilled if I didn't...


I'm so afraid of hooking up though - I'm not really attractive enough to do that, and it seems so scary

The problem with living your life to please others is that you can never make everyone happy and worse still if you are the one who is unhappy. Even if you were straight, someone will hate your wife, most marriages on average last 6 years and you will probably have kids that hate you too after the divorce. So living a lie is not a guarantee of a better life.

A part of growing up is the realization that your father is as flawed as anyone else you meet and what you want in life is way more important than his opinion. Don't waste half your life waiting for him to die to start living your real life, that's just silly.

 

[playklax01]

My father was in a similar way. When I was younger he used to say some not so nice things about gays, but that's how he was brought up. When I came out, he totally changed his tune about it all and could not be the most supportive father ever now. When it hits home, it can change things. It's not a guarantee, but I hope that will happen to you if you decide to say something!

Don't feel guilty when your parents say they want grandkids. All parents want grandkids, and they will guilt you into providing them. Don't fall for it, and don't be pressured, they're technically being selfish as they want/demand you give them something instead of you providing it on your own terms. You're an adult, and it's not their decision. Blow off the topic when they bring it up, and only give them that if/when you truly feel ready. You definitely don't want to bring kids into this world just to appease them.

The waters can look murky, but you really need to explore and experiment to see what really feels right for you. Based on what you said, it sounds like an issue of 'you won't know if you don't try'.

 

[bravesoldier]

Your story sounds exactly like mine. I always focused on the man even though at times I found certain things hot about the woman. I was scared too and found myself with a severe lack of confidence when it came to women sexually. I was with very few women before marriage, which later ended (not because of my sexuality.) Today I see only men becasue there is no denying my sexuality. I still find some things about women sexually exciting, but what does it for me 99% of the time is men.

I consider myself gay even though the 1% straight on my profile is true.

Hope this may help a little.

 

[ddgggg]

The problem with living your life to please others is that you can never make everyone happy and worse still if you are the one who is unhappy. Even if you were straight, someone will hate your wife, most marriages on average last 6 years and you will probably have kids that hate you too after the divorce. So living a lie is not a guarantee of a better life.

A part of growing up is the realization that your father is as flawed as anyone else you meet and what you want in life is way more important than his opinion. Don't waste half your life waiting for him to die to start living your real life, that's just silly.

I feel like I’d be happy if I get external validation from other people, no? I really don’t know how I would accept my sexuality - I genuinely just want to be straight so badly. And I certainly agree my father is flawed, but that’s unfortunately working to my determent and no one else’s. As it is, I am still dependent on him and my family since I still live with them and they’re putting me through college.

 

[ddgggg]

My father was in a similar way. When I was younger he used to say some not so nice things about gays, but that's how he was brought up. When I came out, he totally changed his tune about it all and could not be the most supportive father ever now. When it hits home, it can change things. It's not a guarantee, but I hope that will happen to you if you decide to say something!

Don't feel guilty when your parents say they want grandkids. All parents want grandkids, and they will guilt you into providing them. Don't fall for it, and don't be pressured, they're technically being selfish as they want/demand you give them something instead of you providing it on your own terms. You're an adult, and it's not their decision. Blow off the topic when they bring it up, and only give them that if/when you truly feel ready. You definitely don't want to bring kids into this world just to appease them.

The waters can look murky, but you really need to explore and experiment to see what really feels right for you. Based on what you said, it sounds like an issue of 'you won't know if you don't try'.

I’m sure that experiment would help me understand myself more, but I’m also just not good enough for that, I’m not physically attractive like the people that have the highest probability of being in a relationship or dating - I touched upon it in my other thread about fitness/physical appearance. I’m not financially dependent yet, so I’m not really rich either.

 

[CURVEDANDTHICKK]

My father was in a similar way. When I was younger he used to say some not so nice things about gays, but that's how he was brought up. When I came out, he totally changed his tune about it all and could not be the most supportive father ever now. When it hits home, it can change things. It's not a guarantee, but I hope that will happen to you if you decide to say something!

Don't feel guilty when your parents say they want grandkids. All parents want grandkids, and they will guilt you into providing them. Don't fall for it, and don't be pressured, they're technically being selfish as they want/demand you give them something instead of you providing it on your own terms. You're an adult, and it's not their decision. Blow off the topic when they bring it up, and only give them that if/when you truly feel ready. You definitely don't want to bring kids into this world just to appease them.

The waters can look murky, but you really need to explore and experiment to see what really feels right for you. Based on what you said, it sounds like an issue of 'you won't know if you don't try'.

I had a friend who told me that his son came out to him that he was gay. He was disappointed and most of all embarrassed that he had a gay son. I reminded him that his mother lost her family and was ostracized by most of her community because she was a white woman with a half black baby in the south. Despite all that he was her son and nothing and nobody meant more to her than him. He held his head down and said “you’re right, he’s still my baby boy and will always be my baby boy”.

 

[deleted23503761]

Hey, I had been having trouble figuring out my sexuality since I was a teen. I feel like I feel a certain way when I see a guy I find attractive vs. when I see a woman I find attractive, and when I watch...videos, I focus almost solely on the guy. When I try to focus on the woman, I hardly feel anything. At the same time, I feel like I might not feel as strongly about having sex with a guy as I would with a woman. At the same time, I scared. I really want to be straight, as my family would be more likely to support me. Plus, it feels more conventionally masculine for a guy to be in a relationship with a woman, and I want to be perceived in that way so badly. Does anyone have any advice as to how I should go about this? It's part of the reason why I'm already 20 and haven't been in a relationship (and am still a virgin).

I just went with my attraction to guys when I was a teen. I never thought much about it, in regards to being gay, bi or str8. It was like being passionate about chocolate ice cream while others liked vanilla. I got very turned on in the gym showers, and seeing guys with their boxers peeking out below their gym shorts - and tight pants with dick bulges - wow! But again, I didn't label myself. Just went with it. Frankly, I was in my early career-mode and thinking about my sexuality was not a priority. I lived a str8 life, got married etc. That marriage is over, and now I am in my 40s and I have a much stronger need to satisfy my gay(?) desires. Like you, I always focus on the guy in a video - pussy is really ugly to me. So I am on an adventure myself. I absolutely feel that I am much more gay than bi. If decided to "come out" and live in a gay relationship, I don't think I would worry about being masculine - because I am and that would not change. You should also not worry about that. It is confusing, but just follow your heart and see what happens. Good luck.

 

[GeorgiaMan]

Being 20 and a virgin to both sex and a relationship isn't anything to stress about. It may not seem like it but you are still really young. I was 21 before I finally had sex with a guy after it being on my mind for almost two years. While I've never been with a woman, I would see women I found attractive frequently but didn't really feel the same way about them as my peers, but still wasn't 100% convinced I was gay until I was about 24 after realizing that I was enjoying males and my mild interest in women was gone.

Be open to whatever happens. It's easier said than done I know but be open to fun and experiences while using your head. Good luck!

 

[suggy4life]

Hey, I had been having trouble figuring out my sexuality since I was a teen. I feel like I feel a certain way when I see a guy I find attractive vs. when I see a woman I find attractive, and when I watch...videos, I focus almost solely on the guy. When I try to focus on the woman, I hardly feel anything. At the same time, I feel like I might not feel as strongly about having sex with a guy as I would with a woman. At the same time, I scared. I really want to be straight, as my family would be more likely to support me. Plus, it feels more conventionally masculine for a guy to be in a relationship with a woman, and I want to be perceived in that way so badly. Does anyone have any advice as to how I should go about this? It's part of the reason why I'm already 20 and haven't been in a relationship (and am still a virgin).

wow dude. we have to be friends with how similar are stories are. im 21, no relationship, kiss, sex.
its like am I straight with a flamboyant side or and I gay and lying to myself. or am I bi with favoring men or women. I feel like if I was just straight it'd be easier and way less confusion, why is it so hard to find answers T_T

 

[Lil dog]

Thinking about it too much maybe? just see where you go and who you like. dont tell yourself who you like, just think about who you like talking to, who you want to hop in bed with. give it a try and if you get there and go ehhh, nah. that will be more information.