[update ] what is the best way to rekindle a friendship with a female friend without being desperate

[Anonymous420]

So I have this friend of a little over 2 years. We really started becoming close around the spring of 2014. We'd hang out together, go to a lot of events together, hang out at each other's houses, etc. Then late last year/early this year, we kinda started drifting apart and idk why. Towards the end, I'd have to be the one initiating hang outs, etc. Then around April/May, I reached out a few times (spaced apart) and didn't get a reply at all. So I just gave up...

We never did anything sexual. Mainly because at the time, I had severe body dysmorphia and thought I was ugly/deformed so I never came on sexually to a woman, ever. I've now gotten over it, but still have not met any woman with as good as chemistry as her and I have. A lot of people said it seemed like she liked me, and everyone is shocked we didn't do anything. I'm sure she might have stopped talking to me because I never made a move and so she might have moved on, idk.

Anyways, I've seen her at a couple of local events here and there. And there we do talk. However, things come up with my group of friends and they always leave early before I get to say goodbye or try and make plans. The last time I saw her was in late February. The last time we hung out one on one was around March...

Anyway, her and I love this band. Actually, we've been to see them together a few times. Very recently, I got a job working doing web stuff for this big band (don't want to say who). The plan was, a few days before the show, ask her if she'd like to be my +1 on the guest list. Then the plan was, she'd likely say yes because she likes the band, and she might even think I'm cool because I work with them now.

Well, I messaged her 2 days prior to the show (today) and noticed that she was already marked "Going" on the event, thus showing that she had already had gotten a ticket. I still reached out. However this is so terrible because I was planning this for a month. I had it already planned out that we'd go to the show together and things would get rekindled. That is our tradition is to go see this band together anytime we're in Nashville. She has never gone to see that particular band with anyone but me up until now.

Now, I am stuck. I have no way to invite her out to something without seeming weird or overly random....

 

[AlteredEgo]

It is time to let go. If there ever was a ship, it has sailed. You blew it. Don't pussyfoot around with the next woman you fancy. All you can do is live a better life in the future. This one, though? She keeps not responding to you. She ghosted you last spring. Leave her alone. Your instinct is right. At this point, you are harassing her. Let it go before it damages your social status or she tries to get a restraining order.

 

[MickeyLee]

same as last time
ship = sailed

 

[Anonymous420]

I really want to fix it. She is truly my soul mate. I know at one point she liked me to. I just want to know what I can do to rekindle. I know it is possible.

 

[Anonymous420]

The way I see it, if she's still single and we didn't end on bad terms, I don't see why we can't be close again.

 

[AlteredEgo]

The way I see it, if she's still single and we didn't end on bad terms, I don't see why we can't be close again.

You are not on good terms. You will never be close again. Do you know what ghosting is? It's when you don't know how to tell someone you don't want them in your life anymore, so you simply drop out of theirs without saying goodbye. It sucks to be in the receiving end of such treatment, but there you have it. Sure, she is polite when you run into her. That is to spare you both any embarassment. The fact is she stopped returning phone calls and texts, doesn't respond to social media requests from you but immediately accepts similar requests from others, knows you are open to contact but made plans to do "your thing" with someone else, and hasn't responded to your invitation. Right? She hasn't even given you the courtesy of telling you a direct no in reply. Why? Because she's ghosting you. Generally, you don't ghost someone with whom you've been close unless you already tried to pull away gently and they resisted. Also, it seems to me she was Hansel & Gretel-ing you before she cut off all contact. That's when contact is gradually colder and more sparse, like little breadcrumbs of hope, befote a giant vanishing act. Isn't that what happened? It's a shitty way to ditch someone, but I'm starting to think she just wanted out for whatever reason, you failed to get the hint, she tried to be gentle, but ultimately wants nothing more to do with you.

I definitely have one ex I left on decent terms, but I don't want the confusion or pressure of him contacting me. I definitely have another who parted with me on excellent terms but who wants nothing to do with any form of contact with me. We just have to be adults and respect each other's space.

Leave her alone before the police have to make you leave her alone.

 

[Anonymous420]

I did not do anything! I never creeped on her or anything. In fact, she always initiated as much as I did. And before she ccompletely ddisappeared, she liked some stuff I posted.

The thing is, it happened before back in 2014 for 6 months. Then she hit me up and we started hanging out again.

She is a flake, and idk why.

 

[MickeyLee]

dude, she is not your soul mate, you don't know her well enough to say that
you are basing too much of your feelings on fantasy
she doesn't like you like that
before you go creeper mccreeperton stop now

you are sounding more dangerous fantasist than pining good guy

everything Ms. Altered said is 100% dead on

 

[Anonymous420]

How am I dangerous? She isn't just some random girl that Im stalking because I met her at a bar one time. She was once a good friend of mine who legitimately enjoyed my company and would initiate with me as much as I initiate. She was sometimes flakey (sometimes wed go weeks or a month without talking). However, sometimes she made plans with me, and shed enthusiastically make plans with me. We'd give each other rides, and we'd buy each other drinks. It was definitely mutual.

I knew she was my soul mate because I remember when I met her, the next day I just thought about her a lot. Then 2 weeks later, she reached out and asked to hang out with me. So there was something there.

Then we hung out, and she ghosted me for about 6 months. Then she got ahold of me and started hanging out again. Then she kinda disappeared again.

This isn't some rapey thing. I've stopped talking to friends for random ass reasons. My current male best friend I didn't talk to for about a year, now we're rooming together. People break apart for various reasons and everyone is making me out to be a stalker.

 

[MickeyLee]

two years ago she was someone you knew
two years is a very long time and people change
she is not the person you knew

let it go
the more ya keep insisting there is something there the ookier you get

she set her boundaries and you are not on the inner circle
other than telling you to fuck off directly she can't be more clear of her intentions

 

[Anonymous420]

It hasn't been 2 years, it hhasn't even been one year. She still has the same friends she had with me. So she ddidn't just change, I must have done something wrong, or something had to hhave happened that prevents us from talking.

I need to know what I did wrong and what can I do to make it right.

 

[Anonymous420]

Also, Altered, no. She never showed me signs that she wanted to exit the friendship. She was always hot and cold since the beginning. One minute excited to reach out and trying to make plans to either watch a movie at my house, or go to a concert. To the next minute being kinda cold. I never resisted, I just knew that's how she was and always just kinda waited on her to reach out to me, since she usually did. Then boom, all of the sudden she's gone. For no reason. Literally she told me how excited she was to go to this concert with me, the last time we hung out. Then we just stopped hanging out. Even though the time we spent together was super fun and she even said that night was fun over text the next day.

Then just poof. She just started slowing down, and eventually just stopped. I never resisted. I just took it as her flake stage until it went on for too long.

 

[MickeyLee]

what you did wrong was not listen to the women telling you the truth
you are so blind to your soul mate fantasy you won't see reality
you are stalker bob.... don't be stalker bob
let it go
sheesh

 

[AlteredEgo]

And before she ccompletely ddisappeared, she liked some stuff I posted.

Breadcrumbs, just like Hansel and Gretel left in the woods. Google "breadcrumbing".

In fact, she always initiated as much as I did.

Listen, Mister. You can lie to your damned self, but you are not fixing to stand here and lie to me! Fuck that. News flash, Hero, if someone cuts you out of their life they are no longer initiating anything but distance and silence. There is no further contact, therefore no initiation. So everytime you contact her after she thinks you should have taken a hint, how are you anything but creepy from her perspective? Dude, she either thinks you are creepy, or a sad sack. Way back when you first asked in that other thread, you didn't tell it like it really was at first. It all came out slowly. I was wrong to think you had a hope. There is no hope.

She may have been hot and cold in the past, but she has been cold since May. It's fucking February, Bro! Wake up already.

I know I'm being kinda rough, but I think you need intense, unmistakeable communication. You are incapable of picking up on subtle.

 

[AlteredEgo]

I need to know what I did wrong and what can I do to make it right.

You don't always get closure. Sad, but true. This is one of those times you are not getting closure. It is over, and if she wanted to tell you why, she would have. Delete her number. Cut her out of your social media and internet presence. Don't have long chats at festivals. Just move on.

 

[Anonymous420]

I hate how everyone is making me out to be some kind of dangerous stalker who is stalking some girl I met on a subway train in new york and fell in love with her because she glanced over at me. I am talking about a person I knew a while, and was friends with, and started mainly falling for them because of their personality (I might be a demisexual as I don't care to date someone until I've formed a connection).


So stop it with your demisexiphobia.

Anyway, I ran into her at a concert for a pretty big band she is a fan of. I work with said band. We talked a while and I got her back stage. If she truly thought I'm a strange stalker, she wouldn't have accepted my invitation.

Altered, you're a sad sad person. You just hate men and don't want to see them happy. It's really fucked up. You're one of those pro-alpha bitches who anytime a nerd develops a crush, you want to paint him to be some kind of dangerous monster. You're the real POS here.

 

[Anonymous420]

And let me add that the major problem with feminism, is this new "anti-beta" bullshit. There has been more and more conspiracy against the awkward nerd. We are told that we aren't good enough, to not even talk to women because we're "creepy." That isn't fair and it isn't right. The neo-feminism SAYS that they're pro-equality, but for everyone but socially awkward white men.

Can I get advice from someone who isn't subscribed to all this stupid neofeminist hypocritical bullshit?

 

[AlteredEgo]

I hate how everyone is making me out to be some kind of dangerous stalker who is stalking some girl I met on a subway train in new york and fell in love with her because she glanced over at me. I am talking about a person I knew a while, and was friends with, and started mainly falling for them because of their personality (I might be a demisexual as I don't care to date someone until I've formed a connection).


So stop it with your demisexiphobia.

Anyway, I ran into her at a concert for a pretty big band she is a fan of. I work with said band. We talked a while and I got her back stage. If she truly thought I'm a strange stalker, she wouldn't have accepted my invitation.

Altered, you're a sad sad person. You just hate men and don't want to see them happy. It's really fucked up. You're one of those pro-alpha bitches who anytime a nerd develops a crush, you want to paint him to be some kind of dangerous monster. You're the real POS here.

You are such a loser. Want to know how I know? I never said you were dangerous. All I wanted to make you understand is that it is painfully obvious to anyone with halfway decent social skills that she doesn't want to know you anymore. Maybe you offended her, maybe she kust wants distance from anyone who was close to her during the early stages of her recovery, maybe the reason is technicolor unicorns, but whatever the reason she's done with you, and does not feel comfortable saying the hard words. This idea me calling you dangerous is a pitiful projection of your own concerns. I may have called you and your behavior creepy. If I didn't, I sure meant to. But creepy just means you signal red flags, and should be handled with caution.

People who want you around accept your invitations, both those of a personal nature, and those unique to social media. For example, a few years back a friend invited me to see the Watch the Throne concert in Miami with him and his wife. I already had tickets and a date, but agreed to meet before the show for a beer, and to text about whether we wanted to do something as a group after, which is what we did. I didn't just ignore his invitation, and he didn't ignore my texts after the show. Who cares how long or how well you used to know her? She hasn't shown the slightest interest in remaining in contact since April or May, and here it is February. You asked for opinions. They were given. If all you want is your own ideas parroted back to you, there is an echo chamber you can speak into on Second Life.

My exes were all programmers, game testers, IT professionals, a post production quality checker for a manga importer, a newspaper editor, a geology professor, a park ranger (trust me, forestry is shockingly nerdy) and my current dude is a grown man who is STILL a band geek. I didn't know you could still be a marching band geek in your 30's, but apparently you can, and he's gotten me into it too. The LEAST nerdy dude I ever laid with used to tell me things I didn't know about philosophy, theology, math, and physics while bringing me to climax. I went to The Bronx High School of Science. Exactly what kind of dating preferences do you think get set there? So don't you invent some version of me that makes you feel better about the fact that you can neither stomach the risk of having your love and affection spurned, nor cope with the loss of the opportunity to know what she would have said either way. Your poorly conceived version of me is further evidence that you couldn't read another person if he or she was a book. I mean, I have almost 15k posts here. If you really wanted to read me like a book, you could!

Again, I don't know of you are a dangerous stalker or not (though this post has you looking entirely unhinged). I do know exactly how long some dude could keep contacting me after I began ignoring him before I told all of our mutual acquaintances and tried to get a restraining order. You're coming up on about the amount of time I'd wait for a guy to get the hint.

I do want you to be happy. That's why I originally advised you to just speak honestly with her, and after you clarified, I advised you to move on. There is no happiness for you there.

 

[AlteredEgo]

And let me add that the major problem with feminism, is this new "anti-beta" bullshit. There has been more and more conspiracy against the awkward nerd. We are told that we aren't good enough, to not even talk to women because we're "creepy." That isn't fair and it isn't right. The neo-feminism SAYS that they're pro-equality, but for everyone but socially awkward white men.

Can I get advice from someone who isn't subscribed to all this stupid neofeminist hypocritical bullshit?

I don't believe in alphas and betas unless we are testing software or discussing wolves. This is your own invention. YOU are projecting. YOU believe you are too "beta" , whatever that means to you, to get what you want out of a relationship with a woman, and you would rather wish and whine than actually try.

And this latest round of bellyaching is really just because she didn't even give you the courtesy of a reply when you invited her to the show so she could see how cool you are now that you work for that band. Dude. Were you not the same guy those dudes hired, the man you are right now, when she was still talking to you? If you are cool, you have been all along and she isn't interested anyway.

Who is next to be blamed for your personal failures? Your parents?

 

[Tattooed Goddess]

I had a guy who was similarly a fan boy. I had to ghost him and then he started showing up several times a week at my job. When that wasn't good enough he started parking across the street watching me work from his car. Eventually my husband had to tell him to leave me alone. That guy tried so hard and never got the hint. Hands down one of the creepiest guys I have had to deal with.

At one time I initiated contact because things weren't as awkward but it got worse and worse. I should have listened to my gut right off the bat. She probably wised up and started listening to that inner voice that was telling her to abandon the relationship.

The fact you mention soul mate makes you sound all the crazier. She isn't your soul mate if she doesn't want to be. Now grow up, move on and find a good therapist to help you figure out why you scare women away.