Western Europe vs USA Gay Life

[lostinspace94]

I lived in London. Gay life was a struggle there because culturally people are very conservative and dating was basically non-exitent. Hookups were fairly easy to come by especially pre-Brexit but I left the country so I don't know how it is now.

< post covid>

I lived SF. Gay life was a struggle there because the pool was dramatically smaller (also much older men or coupled mostly) and tbh I didn't vibe with the city at all. I also felt it was very surface level.

I did spend time in LA. Things seemed too distributed and based on looks (which was fine for initial interactions but not much else) and very IG / social status focused vs deeper authentic connection driven.

I lived NYC. Gay life was better there but the pool was incredibly shallow/flakey/cliquey/transactional and everything was so fast paced nothing ever 'connected' to a deeper level. Years went by and there was barely any progress, it felt like I was a hamster in a wheel. I also find people very cold in general.

I've lived in a couple of other US states and generally find the gay men problematic (especially mentally). The sex has been unpassionate / very transactional, and relationship building skills are poor at best here.

I don't have any issues being single, but I am fed up of hooking up with complete strangers all the time, and want to get further with guys and have something deeper, even if it doesn't mean a partner. So I am debating where to go.

I'm leaning towards Spain (Barcelona specifically). But I'm wondering if its a myth things are better there, or if I will just run into the same issues, and be poorer lol. The trade off would be wealth, so I'm wondering if I stay in the US and just accept this culture and be rich, or move, and have a shot at more. But I want to be reasonably sure there is a shot at more before I move, as the States has been disappointing so far.

 

[Cumbob]

I think it depends on where you’re looking. For example if you’re on Grinder they’re gonna expect sex, if it’s Tinder than 80/20 percent of the time they’re looking for sex, you’ll just have to ask them first and make it clear that you aren’t just looking for a hookup. OkCupid is more of a balance but there’s a lot of people that will call friends with benefits the same as a relationship (I had to learn that). If you go out to bars, most of the time it’s just people looking to hookup too. Unfortunately US has a very strong Christian culture even though we are becoming more secular so a lot of guys are still in the closet, or still plan on marrying a woman/bisexual (largest group of all) so you end up with more hookups and transactional sex instead of relationships. Maybe try finding a gay man’s group like in some cities there are gay sports groups like bowling or soccer, gay gym classes etc that’s usually how people meet other out gay guys, drag shows, etc.

Also Philadelphia has a pretty large lgbt culture if you haven’t been there before might be worth a try, I grew up there.

 

[lostinspace94]

I think it depends on where you’re looking. For example if you’re on Grinder they’re gonna expect sex, if it’s Tinder than 80/20 percent of the time they’re looking for sex, you’ll just have to ask them first and make it clear that you aren’t just looking for a hookup. OkCupid is more of a balance but there’s a lot of people that will call friends with benefits the same as a relationship (I had to learn that). If you go out to bars, most of the time it’s just people looking to hookup too. Unfortunately US has a very strong Christian culture even though we are becoming more secular so a lot of guys are still in the closet, or still plan on marrying a woman/bisexual (largest group of all) so you end up with more hookups and transactional sex instead of relationships. Maybe try finding a gay man’s group like in some cities there are gay sports groups like bowling or soccer, gay gym classes etc that’s usually how people meet other out gay guys, drag shows, etc.

Also Philadelphia has a pretty large lgbt culture if you haven’t been there before might be worth a try, I grew up there.

The issue with 'groups' is a lot of the guys there are 1) taken 2) much older or younger so for dating its hard 3) not looking (out of a relationship, simply happy single etc) 4) inconsistent (visiting, moving areas, etc). So its still a needle in a haystack to find even a consistent friend via that method. As you wrote, apps and bars and parties etc all lead to hookups and nothing more, which is okay for short term, but doesn't help long term. Thats why I thought maybe I just need to leave the 'west' entirely.

 

[halcyondays]

I don't have any issues being single, but I am fed up of hooking up with complete strangers all the time, and want to get further with guys and have something deeper, even if it doesn't mean a partner.

Sounds like you want a partner with whom you have something deeper. Am I wrong?

 

[lostinspace94]

Sounds like you want a partner with whom you have something deeper. Am I wrong?

Yes, but its next to impossible to find here.