When Someone 'fetishises' Transgender People - Can You Tell?

[Haggard_Wisdom]

I had a rough night. I was at a bar I don't usually drink at and met a male to female transgender girl. I thought we were doing okay, well enough to start flirting anyway. I got emboldened then I crashed and I burned. I'm still kind of drunk writing this at quarter to nine on Saturday morning but think I know where I went wrong.

I said I enjoyed being with transgender people as in my experience they seemed to have higher than the average drive for sex. I like that in a person.

"That's what you assumed when I came over to you was it?" She rounded on me and told me I was festishising her. I tried to explain that I meant nothing negative by it but she wouldn't have a bar of it. She ended up leaving and I don't feel good about ruining her night to be honest.

Is this situation common? Am I festishising transexuals because I want to be with people with high sex drives? Or was the 'I enjoy being with transexuals' the wrong bit to say while the rest of it was sound?

To be honest it's the first time I've been approached by a transgender person in a bar. I'm a bit rough around the edges actually, and I guess assumptions will be made by everyone. Me included. Maybe that's the wrong bit. I've been with two male to female transgender people before but they were friends of friends and we actually knew each other beforehand and were confortable with each other.

Maybe sober me should stop by the bar, see it she's a regular there and if so apologise. I really do feel quite shit about it.

 

[1951441]

Generally, those of us who are transgender prefer NOT to be told we are liked BECAUSE we are transgender. That comes across as being fetishized. We prefer to be liked because we are appreciated as an individual, as a person, as a human being.

 

[Haggard_Wisdom]

Generally, those of us who are transgender prefer NOT to be told we are liked BECAUSE we are transgender. That comes across as being fetishized. We prefer to be liked because we are appreciated as an individual, as a person, as a human being.

Yeah. That's about what I thought. It was completely the wrong thing to say on my part now that I can reflect on it. Thanks for replying!

 

[1951441]

Yeah. That's about what I thought. It was completely the wrong thing to say on my part now that I can reflect on it. Thanks for replying!

You're welcome. Just keep in mind that being transgender is isn't what we want to hear attracts you to us. Be attracted to who we are, and we'll be happy to find out eventually that you're A-OK with the fact that our body might be a bit different than someone who was born with their body matching their gender.

 

[Haggard_Wisdom]

Rock solid advice. THIS is what I needed to hear. I think I still need to apologise if I see her at that bar again. Right move?

 

[1951441]

Rock solid advice. THIS is what I needed to hear. I think I still need to apologise if I see her at that bar again. Right move?

If she'll let you talk to her again, an appology would be nice.

 

[Haggard_Wisdom]

Yeah. If I get the cold shoulder I'll just leave it at that and just consider it another lesson in what not to do!

 

[michael_3165]

Oops big fuck up here all round on two points.

Firstly did she teell you she was trans or what? Going up to a trans person and mentioning their trans-ness basically tells them they can't pass. That's never what onee wants to hear from experience!

Then the fuck up on thee potential fetishisation. Big oops. Treating people like meat because they are trans isn't cool. I teell people this all the time and they still don't get it.

Just my thoughts though

 

[Haggard_Wisdom]

Oops big fuck up here all round on two points.

Firstly did she teell you she was trans or what? Going up to a trans person and mentioning their trans-ness basically tells them they can't pass. That's never what onee wants to hear from experience!

Then the fuck up on thee potential fetishisation. Big oops. Treating people like meat because they are trans isn't cool. I teell people this all the time and they still don't get it.

Just my thoughts though

And you are dead right. I went back to the bar again looking to make some kind of amends but never saw her again. Even though I have always thought of myself as accepting of every kind of preference and lifestyle under the sun this incident only went to prove that I still have quite a bit to work on to get to where I want to be.

I'm grateful for the feedback.

 

[michael_3165]

We all fuck up occasionally. I tend to own it and just say to people that I may fuck up but its never intentional!

 

[SizeQueenLola]

i struggle with this too, because i think i do fetishize just as i fetishizze big cocks etc

 

[Haggard_Wisdom]

i struggle with this too, because i think i do fetishize just as i fetishizze big cocks etc

A lot of it seems to be 'eye of the beholder' kind of thing. Some people love being fetishised. Some don't. Alot of it is the way you come across to the other person or people as well. Being in a crowded pub seems like a distant memory now but I can freely admit I was probably well past the point of eloquent speech and whispering sweet nothings into someone's ear when I met that girl. I would have actually come across as more disrespectful than I thought I was in my own mind.

But yeah. I live and I learn.

 

[pretzelslut]

I think it's whatever floats your boat and a matter of the person in a case by case kind of thing. In my opinion it comes down to whether or not the gesture/comment is coming off as condescending or shallow, and how you've established yourself with the person

I've been in both instances where I don't mind it, but other times also find it highly insulting.

First example;
Me and someone are hitting it off really well, seem to connect and reciprocate a lot of similar vibes and there is an obvious attraction also I clearly have a very physical attraction to him and the feeling is mutual. I can't very much justify getting upset at him pursuing me sexually because of my gender when I'm clearly attracted to him because of his build/appearance.

Second example;
Someone who I have had no previous engagement approaches me and states his interest in me because of my gender.

I'm not saying all instances, but in a lot of cases if you condense all of the engagements we have with potential partners, it's due to a lot of physical aspects. The main thing is recognizing self desires and connecting them to the human element of attraction, because it's not just gender fetishizing, it could be anything really that someone may fetishize others for. It's a really empty feeling when someone can't see past more than a big dick, nice abs, or nice ass. In my opinion, what makes connections stronger is them being multifaceted, rather than being monocentric.

 

[salemmoon]

Something I think maybe hasn't been mentioned (I skimmed) is that due to all of the outrageous porn of trans women with giant throbbing cocks and gushing fountains of cum, there's a really big unrealistic expectation for trans women who aren't in the sex industry to be like the ones who are in those niches. That stuff isn't the reality most of the time!

Estrogen can cause penile shrinkage, trouble maintaining or achieving erections, and definitely not a lot of semen production (if at all, it's usually clear and a very little bit)*. The women in "t-r-a-n-n-y" (not a word I'm down with, but using it because it encompasses the genre) porn often pause their chemical transition to be able to create these scenes again and fit the demand. Someone who's blindly going out to look for a trans woman to hook up with from a point of fantasy isn't going to know this. That's a dangerous person to be talking to (you never know how they'll react and life can be really scary for trans women, they're huge targets of violence unfortunately).

Also, as a trans guy, it just feels downright gross for someone to target me specifically because they know I'm trans. It just sets a bad precedent and feels dehumanizing. It also bothers me that they can decide they know how I feel and what I'm into just because they know I'm trans. Discussions about that kind of stuff can happen later on, not within seconds of talking to one another.

* I didn't want to interrupt the flow of the point but. What I say there is not solely what happens on E. It's different for different people, and those aren't even necessarily negatives, I've had amazing sex with a trans woman on a few occasions and damn was she good lol. There are tons of pros as well, including different sensations and increased sensitivity, and I'm sure a load of stuff I don't know a damn thing about. But I point out those "cons" because those are what fetishists aren't necessarily going to expect, especially if they're uneducated.

 

[iamjustme65]

Just my opinion.
Trans people need to understand they are going to be used/abused just like everyone else.
It is a basic fact, like it or not, people will use people for sex. They will "see them for meat". 100%.
And that fact knows no sexuality. In other words, guys do it, girls do it and so do trans. Especially when folks are young.
So some horny guy wanting trans sex, and goes after one for that reason is only doing what people do. He isn't any better or worse than straight people doing the same.

 

[Haggard_Wisdom]

Just my opinion.
Trans people need to understand they are going to be used/abused just like everyone else.
It is a basic fact, like it or not, people will use people for sex. They will "see them for meat". 100%.
And that fact knows no sexuality. In other words, guys do it, girls do it and so do trans. Especially when folks are young.
So some horny guy wanting trans sex, and goes after one for that reason is only doing what people do. He isn't any better or worse than straight people doing the same.

Yeah, there's nothing wrong with a 100 percent physical, sexual hookup between two or more consenting adults. Everyone can enjoy using each others bodies as well as their own. I guess its how you go about hooking up. Being as soft as a sledgehammer with regard to your own needs might work with some. Fetishising will actually work, but only with some. A bit of respect in conversation probably goes a long way when you're breaking ice in the beginning.

Being shitfaced tends to take away my ability to read a person and a situation and I end up either saying the wrong thing or being too cocky for my own good and assuming I'm gonna get laid when I am nowhere near it. There's that too.

Melbourne is now coming out from under the long shadow of a four month covid lockdown and there is going to be a serious amount of horny people of all persuasions hitting the pub circuit again. Time to limber up and see if I have learned anything!

 

[Bittydrew]

To me we are just women wanting a man to accept us for who we are and love us ......

 

[Athena Kolva]

I guess I'm a bit different about it. I accept that straight men go for women because they're female, and vise versa. I've been exposed to it enough to expect it. Just kind of people's expression of sexuality I guess.

I know where others are coming from when they feel fetishised, I feel you all on that, and I'm sorry you have to go through that.

Personally I don't mind that people pursue me because I'm trans. However, it really only happens on dating apps, online spaces etc, since otherwise, the person's not going to know, until I tell them.

I guess personally, if someone pursues me because I'm trans, I'm fine with it and I feel flattered by it, I just see it as boys like girls, etc. and those people like us kind of girls more. Of course, if it's purely for sex, yeahhh that's definitely fetishising, and I don't wish that on others. But towards me, sure, bring it on!

 

[woodyq]

Just my opinion.
Trans people need to understand they are going to be used/abused just like everyone else.
It is a basic fact, like it or not, people will use people for sex. They will "see them for meat". 100%.
And that fact knows no sexuality. In other words, guys do it, girls do it and so do trans. Especially when folks are young.
So some horny guy wanting trans sex, and goes after one for that reason is only doing what people do. He isn't any better or worse than straight people doing the same.

yeah this may not be a popular comment in 2021 but trans aren't the only ones.
my neighborhood borders a neighborhood that is heavily Colombian and men fetishsize them as well. white men surely festishize asian women, etc.