Why Use They/them Pronouns Instead Of Choosing The Gender You Identify With More?

BussyPhilipps

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I’ve always wondered why some trans and genderqueer (is that the correct term?) people use they/them pronouns instead of using the pronouns associated with whichever gender they identify with more. I’m assuming most, if not all, trans and genderqueer people don’t identify as a perfect 50/50 split between male and female. That seems highly unlikely. Wouldn’t it be easier to just use the pronouns associated with the gender you lean towards? I imagine it would mean not having to explain things to strangers as much, and less confusion regarding the use of they/them to identify gender vs the use of they/them to denote plural. I admit that when I read articles about people who use they/them pronouns, or when I’m in conversations regarding people who use they/them pronouns, I often think a group of people is being referred to at first. And I know other people who have the same confusion. So wouldn’t it be easier to just use he/him or she/her pronouns depending on which gender you leans towards? Why make life more complicated for yourself than it already is? I wouldn’t want to have to constantly explain to people that I use they/them pronouns, and then constantly correct people when they screw up or clear up confusion that may occur since they/them is also used to denote plural.

I’m genuinely curious about this and trying to understand. I hope no one takes offense to anything I’ve said because no offense is meant.
 

cherryboom66

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The concept of someone not belonging to one particular gender shouldn’t be this mind blowing. The confusion of others is irrelevant - it’s about how the person feels. How someone identifies isn’t about the people around them, it’s about them. This is the scary part - how society feels they own people. Why should others be confused about it and question it? Why not let people live their own authentic existence? It doesn’t concern anyone else.
 
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BussyPhilipps

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The concept of someone not belonging to one particular gender shouldn’t be this mind blowing. The confusion of others is irrelevant - it’s about how the person feels. How someone identifies isn’t about the people around them, it’s about them. This is the scary part - how society feels they own people. Why should others be confused about it and question it? Why not let people live their own authentic existence? It doesn’t concern anyone else.
First of all, you could have made your point without insulting me. By saying it “shouldn’t be this mind blowing,” you’re insinuating that I’m stupid or narrow-minded when I’m genuinely trying to understand something. You should apologize. People will stop trying to understand if you insult them anytime they have a question, especially if they’re well-meaning like I made clear in the last two sentences of my original post. When people have questions about being gay, I don’t insult them by telling them that it shouldn’t be so difficult for them to understand.

But more importantly, the concept of someone not belonging to a particular gender isn’t mind-blowing to me, as I sometimes question my own gender and whether I completely identify with being male. What I’m trying to understand is why not identify as the gender you MOST identify with. Life is difficult enough as it is, so why not make life easier for yourself? As I said before, I wouldn’t want to have to constantly explain to people that my pronouns are they/them, and correct people when they inevitably mess up or get it confused with the plural. It’s not about the other people. I wouldn’t want to identify as they/them because it would make life harder FOR ME. But that’s just me. Maybe some people don’t care about making life harder for themselves. That’s why I’m trying to understand why others would want to go through all of the trouble of using they/them pronouns.

This was my first time asking something in the trans forum, and unfortunately, it will be my last. I was extremely respectful in the way I asked my question, yet you were very obnoxious and insulting in how you tried to answer it. You insinuated that I’m somehow dumb and/or narrow-minded, and in doing so you also misrepresented what I’m trying to understand about this issue.

Understanding is a two-way street. If you continue to respond to people who are trying to understand trans and genderqueer issues in the insulting manner in which you responded to me, you will see that people will start tuning you out and will stop trying to understand. And that is a real shame, as I genuinely support trans people in their fight for equal rights and treatment.

@Mr. LPSG I think you need to address how people respond to questions in these “Ask Someone” forums, whether it’s “Ask a Transgender Person,” “Ask a Gay Man,” “Ask a Woman,” “Ask an Asexual Person,” etc. People should be able to ask questions in a respectful manner like I did without others responding in an obnoxious manner and insulting the person asking the question by insinuating that they’re somehow stupid or narrow-minded for not already understanding the issue they’re asking about. No one wants to be insulted and deal with someone being obnoxious and/or rude when they’re genuinely curious about something and trying to come from a place of understanding.
 

cherryboom66

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Again, you’re turning everything into how YOU feel when you’re not trans or gender neutral.

So, I’m english. I tend to find we are more direct, forthright and honest. Not being “happy clappy” doesn’t scream rude and offensive to me. Put it back into context, you asked a general question, I gave a general answer. YOU were not the question. So you, are not the answer. You are not the confusion, which is what I was answering.
 

cherryboom66

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First of all, you could have made your point without insulting me. By saying it “shouldn’t be this mind blowing,” you’re insinuating that I’m stupid or narrow-minded when I’m genuinely trying to understand something. You should apologize. People will stop trying to understand if you insult them anytime they have a question, especially if they’re well-meaning like I made clear in the last two sentences of my original post. When people have questions about being gay, I don’t insult them by telling them that it shouldn’t be so difficult for them to understand.

But more importantly, the concept of someone not belonging to a particular gender isn’t mind-blowing to me, as I sometimes question my own gender and whether I completely identify with being male. What I’m trying to understand is why not identify as the gender you MOST identify with. Life is difficult enough as it is, so why not make life easier for yourself? As I said before, I wouldn’t want to have to constantly explain to people that my pronouns are they/them, and correct people when they inevitably mess up or get it confused with the plural. It’s not about the other people. I wouldn’t want to identify as they/them because it would make life harder FOR ME. But that’s just me. Maybe some people don’t care about making life harder for themselves. That’s why I’m trying to understand why others would want to go through all of the trouble of using they/them pronouns.

This was my first time asking something in the trans forum, and unfortunately, it will be my last. I was extremely respectful in the way I asked my question, yet you were very obnoxious and insulting in how you tried to answer it. You insinuated that I’m somehow dumb and/or narrow-minded, and in doing so you also misrepresented what I’m trying to understand about this issue.

Understanding is a two-way street. If you continue to respond to people who are trying to understand trans and genderqueer issues in the insulting manner in which you responded to me, you will see that people will start tuning you out and will stop trying to understand. And that is a real shame, as I genuinely support trans people in their fight for equal rights and treatment.

@Mr. LPSG I think you need to address how people respond to questions in these “Ask Someone” forums, whether it’s “Ask a Transgender Person,” “Ask a Gay Man,” “Ask a Woman,” “Ask an Asexual Person,” etc. People should be able to ask questions in a respectful manner like I did without others responding in an obnoxious manner and insulting the person asking the question by insinuating that they’re somehow stupid or narrow-minded for not already understanding the issue they’re asking about. No one wants to be insulted and deal with someone being obnoxious and/or rude when they’re genuinely curious about something and trying to come from a place of understanding.
Maybe some people don’t care about making life harder for themselves.

This was my whole point. This has always been the societal pressure from everyone else when someone decides they should be free and “come out”, whether that’s sexuality or gender expression. It’s always about OTHER people... how is being free making your own life more difficult... it’s not. Society is about fitting it and following rules, so when someone steps out of line... it makes life difficult for everyone else, and why should one person who is living their authentic life care about everyone around them “needing” to “understand”. Does this make sense? I don’t need people to understand my trans existence. They just need to know I’m here.
 

Renegade83

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The answer to the question posed in the thread title seems quite straight forward:

"Why Use They/them Pronouns Instead Of Choosing The Gender You Identify With More?"

Answer: Because they don’t feel that either he/him or she/her identifies them at all. Current society presents two options (male or female) and some people just don't feel either is appropriate for them. I think that's the fundamental starting block to approach from.

It's like walking into a straight/cis wedding of two people you know equally well and being asked to join either the bride or the grooms side of seating. If you're they/them you may just say "neither thanks" and maybe watch from the bar with cocktail.

 
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deleted6505551

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Please do not judge us all by the aggressive reaction from a single person. The vast majority of us, I think anyway, would find your question perfectly acceptable. Sadly some are just confrontational by nature to the point of making all of us look bad. Please don't let this keep you from asking things. I, for one, find questions like yours often help me look into my own feelings more than I might on a subject.
 
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deleted6505551

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I'm likely going to get some hate for this but oh well. I feel that the obsession with a long list of pronouns stems from the unexplainable need so many people feel to have a label they can easily apply to themselves. Anyone who takes a minute and considers sexuality and what it really is will know that it is a spectrum. And as people, like myself, become more able to transition into the gender we are most suited for, gender too becomes more and more like a spectrum. And these same people so enamored of labels create new pronouns to try and describe all the various points of that spectrum. In the end it is simply too much. And it's my opinion that is the motive. By making the task so complex that it's virtually impossible for society to successfully refer to each little niche accurately, failure is assured and that allows the militant types to continue raging. And raging is the real goal for so many.