Wife Got Sober...now We Don’t Have Sex!? Any Advice?

[bankrobber777]

It’s been almost 18 months. I’m so happy she’s sober but so sad and desperate for sex. Just wondering if anyone has experience/advice for this situation? Thanks!

 

[Holly Doors]

It’s been almost 18 months. I’m so happy she’s sober but so sad and desperate for sex. Just wondering if anyone has experience/advice for this situation? Thanks!

Not a great deal of information here hunni, do you mean that she just doesn't have any interest in the bedroom since she's quit? What was her libido like before she was drinking, or have you only known her using alcohol?
I'm a heavy drinker myself (quite open about it and not in any way hung up or embarrassed about it) has she had no interest at all the whole 18 months? X

 

[bankrobber777]

Good question. Sorry for being a bit vague. Didn’t want to bore with details in initial post. We’ve been married for 14 years together for 5 before that. Very intense first 16 years with healthy and rampant sex life including openness, sharing and lots of exploring. “She doesn’t have any interest since she quit” nails it. I’ve been supportive and worked hard to improve my overall health since her decision. We have 2 kids. I’m just hoping someone can give me a bit of experiential wisdom

 

[Holly Doors]

Good question. Sorry for being a bit vague. Didn’t want to bore with details in initial post. We’ve been married for 14 years together for 5 before that. Very intense first 16 years with healthy and rampant sex life including openness, sharing and lots of exploring. “She doesn’t have any interest since she quit” nails it. I’ve been supportive and worked hard to improve my overall health since her decision. We have 2 kids. I’m just hoping someone can give me a bit of experiential wisdom

So has your wife always been a drinker all the time you've known her up until she quit hunni? X

 

[bankrobber777]

Yes. She’s 41 now. She’s always been a drinker

 

[Holly Doors]

Yes. She’s 41 now. She’s always been a drinker

Ok hunni and if it's ok to ask, was she dependent like drinking every day? and did she drink to what most people would consider excess? X

 

[bankrobber777]

She did drink to excess. She recognized her problem and decided to handle it by abstinence and support

 

[Holly Doors]

She did drink to excess. She recognized her problem and decided to handle it by abstinence and support

Thanks for your replies hunni and good to hear she took the brave step in finding help and support, as I'm sure you're aware alcohol is a mind altering drug and long term use can shape a person's personality kinda on a sideways tangent, such prolonged drinking can certainly bring out an alter ego in people. Sober me can be boring as hell, I hate sober me to some extent tbh. I'm wondering if now she's quit you may find you have a few things going on, firstly you've never known what you're wife's personality is when truly abstinent before, secondly altho it's been 18 months it can take a long time after years of use for the mind to find itself again and settle into her natural character, thirdly she's also probably well aware that she has a lack of interest in certain things herself and this is probably playing on her mind, she may be suff from low mood as a result hunni.
Have you discussed with her about maybe seeking advice on her mood? Maybe it's worth checking out as there's plenty of support for that also, she's taken a huge life changing step and very successfully but lasting effects can also require some support to help the mind and body settle X

 

[Tight_N_Juicy]

Has she seen a therapist?

 

[MickeyLee]

Al-anon or a similar group.

Secular groups are out there for folks who can't embrace the "let go and let G_d" message.

Find a support group for spouses of recovering alcoholics. Encourage her to seek out support and to continue healing.

 

[ChanelleNo5]

For long time drinkers to quit, I am guessing that she was on the "pink cloud" around month 2, and feeling amazing and motivated and sexy? That lasted a few months and then her old problems didn't necessarily go away just because the booze did. Now maybe she is feeling a lot of emotions because maybe she thinks she isn't as fun sober and it is translating to the bedroom. Quitting a substance is a rough thing to go through. I think she should have some sort of support group. AA is the standard but there are others.

Some people get super high sex drive when they quit and some become recluse. I think you should have a genuine discussion with your wife about this. She may just be in her head too much. I know that when people spend their entire lives having sex while faded, sober sex is an entirely different thing and there is a transition.

I wouldn't worry too much, just tread lightly and support her as best you can. All my best wishes for you and your wife.

 

[Scarletbegonia]

 

[Scarletbegonia]

I see the non woman is gone.

 

[i_ren]

I was a long time drinker/user and I quit after 15+ years of drinking/using. I have been sober for 3 years now. It took my a while to adjust to my new lifestyle--it took 2 years before I started feeling "normal" or better. I remember when I first got sober everything seemed so dreadfully boring and depressing. It took me a while to learn to have fun again being sober. I would suggest being patient, voicing your concerns and couples counseling.

 

[Holly Doors]

I was a long time drinker/user and I quit after 15+ years of drinking/using. I have been sober for 3 years now. It took my a while to adjust to my new lifestyle--it took 2 years before I started feeling "normal" or better. I remember when I first got sober everything seemed so dreadfully boring and depressing. It took me a while to learn to have fun again being sober. I would suggest being patient, voicing your concerns and couples counseling.

My upmost respect on taking the step and dedication hunni X

 

[i_ren]

My upmost respect on taking the step and dedication hunni X

Thank you

 

[Scarletbegonia]

Al-anon or a similar group.

Secular groups are out there for folks who can't embrace the "let go and let G_d" message.

Find a support group for spouses of recovering alcoholics. Encourage her to seek out support and to continue healing.

Also, if your parents drank, see ACA, adult children of alcoholics. The work they do really helps. My housemate has been through a couple times, as needed, and sings their praises.