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Part I
I close my eyes—the acrid taste of bitter drinks lingers on the back of my tongue. I didn’t want to be here. Another party—another endless night where everyone else seems to be having fun, but I feel incorrigibly alone.
My roommate led me here—as he always does. I don’t like him going out alone. I worry about him when he’s at these sort of things and doesn’t have anyone to look out for him. I guess you could say that I’m paranoid and possessive—I just like to think of it as strong paternal instincts. I look out for my friend.
The concrete of the balustrade feels cool through my jeans—I enjoy sitting on the edge of this brownstone roof and letting my legs dangle into the air below. I observe the fleeting, careening arrangement of air molecules dashing about below—completely oblivious to my figure above. And were I to fall, they would all get out of my way—they wouldn’t band together to support me, delay my descent.
I may have had too many drinks—I really shouldn’t be sitting on a fourth-story ledge like this, tipsy as I am. I really ought to get down onto less precarious plateaus.
But it is such a beautiful night. I can see clear across the city, sitting like this. A few stars even twinkle through the orange abyss of light pollution to smile down on me.
I know it’s cheesy—but ever since I was a kid, I used to think that the stars watched back. Unlike the uncaring air molecules swirling around us—I always felt like the starlight cared. Our lives mean something to them. I’ve watched them wink back at me as if they could understand, as if they are in on the cosmic joke—they’re aware of the abstruseness of this mortal coil. The moratorium regarding the seriousness we’re supposed to maintain on human life gets lifted when you interact with the celestial spheres. After all, they’ve seen it all throughout those millennia shining above us. No human impropriety phases them. They know a good mortal joke when they see one—the absurdity of men.
We are all living a mortal joke—impressed with our own incandescent importance. That’s the greatest joke of all, believing that we matter. We are just dots on a green continent floating in a blue ocean on a swirling ball in the middle of nowhere. A little solar system at the butt-end of a galaxy on the edge of a universe that was created for Gods-know what purpose. Perhaps beings in other universes matter more—but not here. Here, we are just ants marching in straight lines from cradle to grave. One following the other. Thoughtless.
Whoa—I am waxing philosophical tonight, aren’t I? There must have been something in that last drink they gave me. Maybe whatever made it electric green also had neurotropic qualities. Absinthe, maybe? I really should get off the wall before I tumble over my own grandiosity.
The door swoops open behind a few paces me. I swivel my head, keeping a tight grip on the balustrade, to see who else has found their way up onto the roof. A mop of dark hair steps into the shadowy lamp-light. He glances around and catches my eyes.
“Hey, sorry,” he growls. “I thought this empty.”
“No,” I say. “But I can share—you’re welcome to stay.”
“No. It’s alright. We were looking for some privacy.”
That’s when I notice the willowy blond huddled behind him. The scrap of silver that deigns to pass itself off as a dress would not keep her warm enough in this autumn air. Even from this distance, I can see her skin pimpling. Her arms cross themselves below her untethered breasts—her nipples stand sentry on metallic ramparts.
He wraps his arm around her waist, pulling her close as they turn and descend back into the pulsing void, the heavy door clunking closed behind them. I remember that guy from earlier—I had seen him standing at a urinal in the men’s room. He wasn’t easy to forget. He was planted more than a foot away from the porcelain, but he was holding the longest cock I had ever seen. It easily spanned the distance to the urine receptacle like a rope bridge crossing a great divide. He seemed to get-off on the fact that the two other guys in there (besides me) were watching him, gawking—he reveled in their disbelief on his freakishly endowed manhood.
Frankly, I’m surprised he had his arm around a woman, up here—I would have posited that such exhibitionist tendencies in front of men would have suggested another sexual persuasion. But perhaps it’s just a big-dick thing—liking to flaunt it and show it off, regardless of who is looking. He’s a universal acceptor when it comes to having his prodigious phallus appreciated.
My mind rolls down through my shirt collar toward the buckle of my jeans and my pelvis—my own thoroughly adequate member coming into view. I love my cock—in some ways, he’s my best friend. He is alert, always does his job—and I’ve never gotten any complaints. But still, I wonder what it’d be like to possess a prolific manhood similar to that of the guy I’d just seen. What would it be like to be so hung and swaggering, a pendulum of sexual energy descending nearly to my knee? How would it feel to live like that, I muse? Powerful? Embarrassed? Perpetually eroticized?
As I study these possibilities—I notice my own phallus stiffening—and discover a swelling orb of longing erupt inside my belly. Perhaps its the alcohol and not having enough to eat—but I suddenly feel as if this is the greatest need I’ve ever felt. I absolutely must become as fantastically endowed as this guy. I’ve never wanted anything so much.
My eyes turn back to the horizon, and I notice one star in particular blinking seductively at me. It seems to be cooing, whispering sweet exhortations, inviting me to supplicate my desires to this pulsing celestial sphere. Breathing into that pit of desire congealing inside of me, I whisper to my new astral friend, “Star in the sky...I wish on you tonight. Make me as monstrously well-endowed as that guy. Bigger, even. Make me the most hugely hung man in the nation. Make others quiver in awe before my mammoth phallus.”
I don’t know where these words are coming from—again, perhaps it is my inebriation—but the words are ballooning within me like an enchanter’s spell. They float on the oxygen molecules like dirigibles—bouncing from one cloud to the next. I imagine my entreaties bobbing their way towards my celestial friend. And he is winking back—his blinking has become nearly salacious. Then, all so suddenly, he disappears. A light out of the night sky—a fallen angel. Maybe he took my wish and ran—because he is definitely gone. Perhaps the orange smog ate him.
I feel suddenly empty—as if that wish had taken up part of me and now was free-floating out amongst the ether. Staggering off the concrete wall, I sway back towards the door to the downstairs. What time is it, I wonder? We can’t be that far off from dawn. It’s time to go home. My roommate can fend for himself from this point on. I am suddenly tired—as if the departure of that wish had dropped me into thick mud. I can barely keep my eyes open. I hope there are no nefarious neighbors on the subway tonight—I probably will fall asleep on the ride home.
Cautiously, holding firm to the railing, I descend the rickety stairwell painted black numerous times over to coat the insipid pieces of gum careless attached to the floorboards and rails. The undulating, neon glow of the raging party continues to burn below. It feels too bright for my eyes. Part of me wants to find Bryan—tell him that I’m leaving and heading back to our place—but I can’t stomach the thought of traveling back into that milieu. I head as quickly as I can for the exit—and swiftly, I am back into the cool night air. It’s three blocks to the subway station. I should be able to make it there and, hopefully, remain awake for the duration of the train ride back home.
* * *
I awake in a fog. Sunlight is streaming through my window—and my face feels sticky and overheated. My tongue is glued to the roof of my mouth with some sort of pasty sediment leftover from last night’s revelries. I am still fully dressed, I notice—shoes and everything. I must have incoherently collapsed onto my mattress when I got to my room.
The memories of last night mull about in my skull like a jigger full of convoluted spirits. I wish I could drain them. The color of the daylight seems too-orange—it feels late in the day. Pawing the dresser top beside my bed, I uncover a disbanded watch face shining three pm up at me. Ugh. I’ve slept all day—too long. Thank goodness I had nothing of importance to get done this Saturday. I really should get out of bed and take a hot shower. Clear up the mugginess inside my brain with a steam bath.
I peel off last night’s garb like a stale, second skin that needs shedding. I toss it into the hamper—boots and all—and stretch nakedly up towards the ceiling. My limbs are long, and I nearly touch the fan blades twirling dedicatedly overhead. I scratch the patch of hair in the middle of my chest and then my right buttock. Stumbling forward, I peel out from behind my door into the hallway. Bryan’s door is slightly ajar—so I peek in and see him still sleeping. Good for him—he made it home.
He and I have an interesting relationship. Friends, mostly—but there has always been a spark of something extra that only rears its head when one of us has become been drunk, lonely, and sex-deprived. Nothing sexual has ever happened between us—but it always felt like it might. Regardless, I am grateful that he and I have such ease with our bodies around one another. It’s nice to live with a roommate and not feel like I have to keep my appendages covered at all times. He and I hang out naked sometimes—not as often as I would like, but sometimes.
I tenderly shut his door and move towards the kitchen. I have to pass through it, stopping to turning on the coffee pot, to make my way to the shower. I enter the black-and-white checkered room, my eyes scanning the counters and floors. It’s neat and organized but in need of a clean. I will try to work on that today. I am halfway toward the coffee pot when I notice an unexpected silhouette piled onto one of the diner chairs that Bryan and I rescued from a recently liquidated cafe. At first my mind assumes that it must be a package or a pile of clothes—but then I realize what it is. It’s a man—a short, bright-eyed man in a metallic coat smiling at me.
I nearly fall out of my skin as I tumble backward. I don’t shout, but as I careen back, the man smiles wider and extends a hand out to me.
“Sorry to startle you,” he whispers in a dusky voice. “I’ve been waiting here for some time—I had thought you’d be up long ago. Sir Astrelous, at your service.”
He keeps his hand extended as if waiting for me to shake it. I am still in shock—and suddenly awkward to realizing my own lack of clothing. I place one hand over my genitals and reach the other out to meet his. I am not sure if he is a deranged individual who has wandered in, an abandoned friend of Bryan’s, or merely a personal hallucination. Whatever I took last night should be strong enough to make the third possibility real. This peculiar man doesn’t seem homeless—his clothing is neat and orderly with a three-button suit under his silvery jacket and a smartly-tied necktie in a knot so elaborate that I could not have managed in my most cognitively alert state.
“Uh, Chris. Nice to meet you.”
“A pleasure, Chris,” he replied, shaking my hand firmly. I notice that his eyes haven’t once darted downward to examine my disrobed frame—it was as if he was accustomed to seeing naked, hungover men staggering around all the time. “We really must get going—I have other places to be before it gets dark again.”
“Sorry, what?” I say, shaking my head. He speaks as if this were a continuation of a previous conversation—as if I should know why he’s here and his reasons for conversing with me.
“Your wish, of course. We need to get started if we are going to make any progress before I have to be back up for nightfall.”
He stands and brushes imaginary dust off of his holographic coat. I realize now that his outer garment is truly opalescent—it glows like star shine.
“My...my wish?” I ask doubtfully.
“Yes, the wish you made last night. Don’t you remember? You spoke to me—quite specifically, I might add. I am so flattered when anyone chooses me out of the trillions of other stars in the night sky. You’d be surprised how seldom it happens nowadays. People are so consumed with their iPhones and earphones and iPads and WhatsApp’s that they hardly notice me—talk to me—the way you did. Well, I was just so plumb flattered that I had to hurry down here once I got off my shift and offer to help you out right away.”
My mind is reeling. This man is a star? Like, a real, heavenly body? This entirely defies my knowledge of cosmology and solar operations. This is not what was taught to me in my elementary, high school, or collegiate astronomy classes. Heavenly bodies aren’t supposed to have, well...corporal bodies. They are supposed to be giant, erupting balls of burning gas millions of light-years away. They certainly shouldn’t be sitting in my kitchen granting wishes.
“Now then,” the man says, stepping forward and brushing my hand away from my nether-regions, “what have we got here? Don’t be so shy, Christopher. I’ve seen lots of naked humans galumphing about over the many millennia I’ve sat watching—there’s nothing to be ashamed of with me.”
I feel my cheeks reddening as he picks up my member and weighs my testicles consideringly.
“Ah, yes. A little larger than average, I think. Girthy, some might even say. But definitely not the pendulous, prodigious phallic specimen you so emphatically wished for last night.
“I have to say, Christopher, the potency of your wish was truly remarkable. I don’t know how you summoned such fervor when you cast it out to me—but it sounded like a bright siren echoing over the quiet cacophony of other protestations. We stars heard your wish clear as a bell—it’s another reason why I rushed down here. You sounded so desperate—so insistent. You seemed to truly need an enormous penis.”
He lets go of my dick, and it swings freely between my thighs. I am beginning to wonder if I should shout to wake up Bryan. I need confirmation if I am hallucinating or not—is this just a dream? Am I still in bed? Or do I really have an odd, little man in my house professing to be a star and manhandling my junk?
“Well, I will need to take you down to Serena’s place for starters. And then maybe Orion’s boutique on Seventh. Yes...and if you really want to get that large, then we will definitely need to stop at Sarin’s demesnes for a final fitting.” He picks up a bowler hat and swiftly turns toward the door. He unlatches the three bolts screwed onto the white doorframe and swings the vestibule open. He is halfway out the door when he turns back to me. “Well, hurry up! Time is wasting.”
I take a hesitant step forward, my cock swaying in the crisp afternoon air—there’s a draft from an open window somewhere.
“Wait—what? Where are we going?”
“I just told you,” he says, sounding exasperated. “Weren’t you listening?”
“I, uh. Oh—okay. Let me—let me go get some clothes on.”
“Well, hurry! We haven’t got time for lollygagging—we’ve got places to be! Penises to grow!”
I rush to my room and hurriedly don a wool sweater, a pair of blue jeans (skipping the underwear), and a beat-up set of old sneakers. Still sticking my heal into one of them, I rush to the door. Should I leave Bryan a note? It is positively bonkers of me to go with this guy—I really should alert someone to my whereabouts. But what would I write to him? Hi, Bryan. A star showed up in our apartment and wanted to take me on an adventure to grow my cock. I’ll be back in time for dinner. Hugs, C? No, not likely.
Following him through the doorway, I feel the thick, oaken door blow closed behind me of its own accord. Sir Astrelous is already racing down the vintage stairwell towards our neighbors below. I race to catch up with him.
“So, where are we going first?” I call out.
“We’ll start with Serena—she has a shop set up in this city, so we haven’t far to go. She’ll be able to increase your size a fair some—and she’ll be the easiest to get to grant the change amongst the three. Plus, she’s always hungry for new visitors. We should be able to catch a cab to get to her.”
We are escaping my apartment building’s front entrance—Sir Astrelous is already hailing a taxi. Before I can get my bearings, we are in a tattered backseat of a yellow cab headed out of the “transitional” neighborhood I live in toward the pencil-thin towers of downtown.
I stare out the window and again wonder what on earth I must have drunk last night to give me these unearthly visitations today. I press the coolness of the glass against my forehead and feel myself begin to doze.