Progress

Published by T_Lurch in the blog T_Lurch's blog. Views: 68

I have been searching for a counselor that my insurance will cover. This is difficult as most doctors offices have to stifle wild laughter upon hearing the carrier; Aetna Medpremier is beyond pathetic.

Despite that roadblock, I have located a few prospective counselors. I chose a male counselor (as men are more empathetic and understanding, or at least closest to being understanding) and made sure they are covered by my risible excuse for an insurance plan.

In a thread on here, I brought up this very thing; the difficulty in seeking help.

There are several barriers to this.

1) I don't feel like I deserve help. And who would give a shit?

2) I am paralyzed with fear at exposing vulnerability around others. Other humans gleefully mock or take advantage of those who are weak and exposed. We live in a predatory world; as I ruminated on before, humans are savages, pitiless and brutal. Showing that you need help displays that you are vulnerable and is a recipe for being attacked by the rest of the group.
As the song goes, people love to:
"Kick 'em when they're up, kick 'em when they're down. Kick 'em when they're sick, kick 'em all around."
--Don Henley

3) My distrust of doctors in general. Let's face it: they care only for the money. I go into this knowing they don't care in the slightest, but I'm willing to accept their advice.

4) Pills are a hard limit. I will not allow myself to be lobotomized by pharmaceutical drugs.

5) I am a very independent, DYI person by nature. It goes against my nature to ask for help from another human being. I am on my own in life.

The medicine the other doctor prescribed, the metyrapone, seems to be helping. The pains in my body are fading and I'm no longer flushed in the face. Thankfully, no side effects.

My wife is unaware of my stress problems; the metyrapone is hidden so she won't know my body is breaking down. She mustn't know; she would fall apart further and I need to support and be there for her. She deserves support and health; I do not. I only seek help for her sake, not mine. If I die from stress, she will be alone and with no caregiver. This is my only purpose
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