nar·cis·sism [naárssə sìzzəm]
1. self-admiration: excessive self-admiration and self-centeredness
2. personality disorder: in psychiatry, a personality disorder characterized by the patient's overestimation of his or her own appearance and abilities and an excessive need for admiration.
In psychoanalytic theory, emphasis is placed on the element of self-directed sexual desire in the condition.
(Microsoft® Encarta® 2008. © 1993-2007 Microsoft Corporation).
Been above all, it's possible? The distance -between the world and us- it's a display of strength or weakness? Modernity has sold us individualism as a virtue. Lone wolves? Please. Every man for himself! To the boats!
Aristotle said that humans are "political animals": outside of life in society, there are only two types: beasts and gods. Let me tell you friend, you are no god ... therefore you are a _________ -
Self dedication, or self consumption? When does the journey ends? When we start the ride -that very first time- did we knew, deep inside us, that it has no external end? When we pause, stop, and relapse, do we still fool our selfs? Or we just pretend, and go along? Been superficial makes things easier, I know!.
What is the "contribution" of this underworld to that false truth? My role? Is this sind kind of diversion from a real thing?
Im not going to torture you, my dear reader, with the answear, because we all know it. That's the point of all. The answears were always inside, but the tension aproachead to us by the meer reflect -of ur hide side- is sometimes to hard to adress.
This does apply for you and for me!
Too much lecture? Maybe.
I wish I could keep writting this chapter, but my Skype is stocking with requests. So im gonna go and get some wolf-milk drained fresh. Bye!
Short chapter, to philosophize about time - precisely. Likewise, who am I, for my counterpart? Is there the objectification of my person / role? Are we used, and discarded? Do I have the right to be unavailable? Or be a human?
Do you know where I live, what is my time zone? Do you know if I study, or if I work?
I don't like people who complain. But neither of those who live in the ether ... asetically, as if there were no context of our interaction. I demand nothing beyond good manners, and for me, that includes asking about the availability of each part. Not everyone gets it. Many people call as if this were 911. Or if because of my "role" I should be available to others.
I receive between ten and twenty messages a day, requesting a "time" for a session. Naturally I do not allow everyone, it is not physically possible. But the externalities are equally misunderstood. Many boys get angry or sad because I can't attend them, or I put them off.
I do not judge them, I understand that when one is excited, little thinks about trifles like the humanity of who is in front of me milking me. After all, am I not the one who puts "the body"? Am I not the one doing everything they tell you to? The one who sweats? The one that is exposed? Also do I have to consider the wanker who controls me? Well, you should. Because otherwise there will be no sequel.
I don't want friends, where they shouldn't come naturally. I hate false pretenses, or appearances. But I just hope for an understanding of my short times. I work, study, I have a social life, I get tired !, I get bored !, of you, or of everything in general. Sometimes I'm more or less willing. Sometimes I am sad, or very excited.
The one who is one way, will not change. This text is simply to "slow down" the rush of some folks.
Some write at dawn, when there are 4 hours before I wake up. Others at the end of the day, when I fall asleep while sitting. Others while I work, from homeoffice, asking me to "disconnect for a while", as if my work had no importance...
Self-criticism: one of my rules is "do not contact anyone back".
Even if I had the best session in months. I do not write back. Not a "hello", nothing.
Coldness? Egocentrism? Egotism? No, it's Justice!
Writing back to someone, whoever, means that I have to reply back to everyone. As this is it not possible for me, I don't even do it with those I should. I'm leveling "down", I know. But if my goal from day one is not to make this something selective - it is not the raising of any kind of slave, student, submissive, friend, stud, etc - it is an experience shared with everyone equally. So another motive to be missunderstood Lucky me!
Hey! Yes, you! Wellcome back!. Today's topic: "C&C: Commitment and Comunication".
I have always been distant from the idea of "long-term ties" -both personally and in this underworld. Why? Well ... I guess it makes things easier. Continually receiving new guys, one after the other, means a new experience every time. Also, I don't have to remember. Just be caring, and make it interesting, but that was all. So when I was asked to do regular stuff like: set an "appointment" to do the same guy, like 2/3/4 times a week, I used to say no. Something that many did, was contact me as "random sessions" but they wrote to me every day. If I had time, thou, I did took them
Whenever someone asked me why I didnt wanted to make "regulars" or at least only them , I replied that: "the commitment required for regular sessions was beyond what I was looking for when interacting with people here on Skype, and maybe they dont understand the overwellming effort I will have to put on this, if I was to still edge another guys."
Actually I was trying to adress the issue from an equality perspective: Why you over another mate? What would be the difference to receive you, before someone else? But dont missunderstand my point, I was not impliying them to higher their "bet" and do more, just saying what would ever make me set preferences over the guys I interact with.
That was my rule, and I love it. Of course... until I meet Him.
PIPPO [JUN 2020]Hello .
EDGER [+ 3hs]Sorry I've been off. Had a lot of college papers to present, im getting close to the end of the semester.
PIPPO [+2 min]Thats totally fine, but can u atleast respond to messages. I left you a couple messages on whatsapp but you never responded.
Context: been playing randomly with this guy for some time. All good, great chemistry. He asked me, since the beginning to make some kind of diferent interaction, rather than a superficial tie. I gave him the standar answear. Inspite of that, he bet on me. He did keep coming back, when he felt the need to. At the end, I gave him my phone number to be more in contact, cuz I was taking a break from daily edging. I did come back to skype for him, and another randoms.
EDGER [+9 days]I hate when my lack of attendance, makes me a rude person. The truth,I saw ur messege, and leave it unanswered cuz i forget. Sorry. And here... on skype i have lots of messeges daily, so it was buried. Sorry. Hope you are doing great. Im still struggling with lots of papers.
PIPPO [+4min]But if u are not interested in me, or if I am a bad performer on cam you can be honest though. Plus it looks like u have alot of subs already. So you seem very busy already with others lol.
EDGERU cant seriously believe you are a guy "not to be interested". I mean, you are one of the hottest.
I play everyone... and maybe that's my problem. I give 10/10 guys, like u, the same amount of time that I do to 3/10 or 5/10... But I think that, at the end, anyone needs it. Plus im not always online.
PIPPOMaybe you should be more selective then and spend your time with a few that you are really enjoying, not everyone lol. I like you, And would like to chat and cam with you more often. But this way we cant develop a good friendship or relationship I think.
EDGERWow... I.. never saw it this way. im really sorry if I "let u down". I cant find words. Ehh. Im thinking many things now...
1) Im dumb, in 1-1 relations. So I need more punctuality. I explain: As I sayed, i play with many... so I dont "relate" with them: Hi - Edge - Cum - Bye. I care for all, i wont be able to follow your request, to let some go, I didnt came here to rise an pure animal, im here to have a nice, and hot time with anyone that wants to share. I also understand how you feel... Ive been there. Maybe we are in this point, when you ask ¿where is all my effort going?... Maybe we can agree, from now on, that ( I ) will compromise more in our games, and find a way that suites us all.
PIPPOYea i didnt say u should let others go for me. But maybe dont accept more new ones for now lol. So u are not overwhelmed with so many subs and messages. Thats all lol. But yes kinda i feld like all that effort i put in our cam session was not appreciated. Was indeed kinda like: hi , edge , cum , bye. Makes me feel like a object lol.
Those "lol" when no one is laughing. That broke my heart.
EDGERIt can be different, maybe not perfect, but less superficial. I can change, now that i know what kind of aproach you like.
Many guys came here not because they want to share something, rather to have sensations (been controlled, been guided) by an anon person or dick So, maybe I tend to lose some conection with them at some point. No one (before) asked for more deepness in the experience, just time or peridiocity.
PIPPOYou can still controll and guide me ofcourse. You will still be in charge over me during the sessions. I just mean i would like to stay in touch better. And be respected as a person, and develop a better friendship and communication. Thats all.
Doesn't this melt anyone? Humanity at its finest, even in this underworld. Like a flower in the swamp, of the purest kind.
Of course we tried it: I changed, and I loved it. For months and months we had daily sessions. The last session was after Christmas in 2020.
Now we are both with busy lives, but we chat on WhatsApp and our dialogue is not reduced to sexual things. Soon we will meet again!
I guess las post brings many coments, in inspite there is none Today post topics: "privacy", "equality", "fairness", "respect". I will try to get to the subject of how do we present to the other, both literal and metaphorical.
Nothing is aseptic. Things, postures, attitudes, etc., imply meanings. To edge another person it implies an imbalance of power, because: one says, the other does. Period.
Now, there are degrees between which this asymmetric relationship varies. Starting with this journey, I should have quickly learned them. Not everyone loves categories, or even wants to be categorized. But to make things easier - as humans we are - we produce Manichean standards to interact without much explanation.
However, I always try to avoid them and ask what is the experience that - the one in front of me - wants to have? For this reason, I am always surprised by those boys who come so "formatted" in attitudes and expressions that, although they generate some attractiveness and curiosity, they tend to limit the previous parity between the two when setting the session.
"SLAVE XXX" (SXXX)Hi Sir I saw ur posts in LPSG.
I will be so gratefull if I would be alowed to serve you my edges, as you use me in any way you want.
EDGERHi! How are you?
SXXXHi Sir, im fine thanks.
EDGER Cool! Im fine too.
SXXXSir, Im ready if you want to inspect me.
EDGERInspect? Im not a doctor...
SXXXLol. Sir, for you to see if im adecuate for you.
EDGERYou have a dick?
EDGERDo you have a penis, to wank?
SXXXYes Sir, I have one.
EDGERCool. Are you in between 18-35, as my post sayed?
SXXXYes Sir, im 33.
EDGERSo, I dont need more.
SXXXMaybe, Sir, to check my bod?
EDGERI give one chance to everyone, it's not about that.
SXXXOk, Sir. If you want, I can be inspected, when you decide.
EDGERGot it... Why don't you talk about your likes and dont, better?
No lists of kinks, just tell me what you want here...
So, yeah. Like I might "desrespect" some "truthly" sub-slave, wich says "this is not a character" I do conceve myself as a servant... etc. Well, I cant play like that. I need to put some pause to that, and talk directly and agree all the terms as equals before we jump in.
This brings a second, but more important topic: Exposure
"WANKER-MATE 2001" (WM01)Hello! I just read your post, and I got a hard on lol. Im doing my first steps here, can you edge me some time?
EDGERSup mate. Sure. Tell me what have you done so far?
WM01Well, I did some messure comepetitions, on sites. And been edged on Skype two times.
EDGERWell cool, so you know the deal! ahahaha
WM01Yeah, but like those been brief, not a propper sessions. How long do you make boys go?
EDGERWell, with experienced guys I do 45-60min, even more. But I have a life too! I cant be here that long.
WM01No way, I would end in 15min. lol ahhaha
EDGEREveryone stars in some place
WM01Cool! Can I ask something?
EDGERSure, all questions, and requests.
WM01Could I not show my face?
WM01Nothing, forgot it. Im ready if you are.
EDGERWho made you believe that showing your whole self is something requiered or mandatory?! I mean, fuck them! wtf?
WM01Oh, hmmm. My last edger sayed that he will only edge me if i was fully exposed.
EDGERNever, again, do that to yourself. Unless your kink is exhib, dont agree in that kind of terms. Let me guess, he was out of cam, and only typing.
WM01The first one yes, the second was speaking thou.
EDGERAgain, never. Unless it turns you on to be that much exposed, to a unknown, don't accept those terms.
Advantage? Profesionalism? To much into the character? Style? I dont care, this is my blog, and those practices -demanding full exposure of 22 yo guys and been a blank typing screen- not cool, at all.
Finally I always post this formula to the guys that ask for the exposure thing:
To be clear:
1) You are not "requiered" to do anything you dont want. I do love to see, but things like that are earn. Strictly I only need ur "lower half". If u want to show anything else, up to you.
2) Never engage with anyone that "demands" exposure they dont give, or respect (unless ur kink is that).
3) I never record noone. I simply dont know how. I dont want to know. The guys that upload content with me, make the records, and only cuz they have interest to share.
| WARNING! |
|NOT A FUNNY |
| SUBJECT |
In this chapter, we will not have a discussion on light topics. I will present this extreme case, to try to measure how complex it can be to be "on this side of the screen" in front of ... in short, humans. What you are going to read has the sole purpose of discussing concepts such as: "responsibility", "lightness", "emotions", "fear", among others.
FEB 2020: (First contact)
BRITISH MATE (B-M)You want subs?
EDGERHello! Its a really amateur stuff. And it seems ur (becoming) a pro
He had a "porn-twitter account", but kind of serious, like trying to find a way to become a professional. Cool, but i was starting so I felt a little unprepared to go on record, or do anything with someone that was maybe looking for some "high standar", even he never say so! But you know, reader, one's likes to think always something to downsize ourselfs.
APR 2020: (First cam/cum)
46min. 11secs - Ended session
EDGERWell... I guess I'll see you arrownd. Bye
B-MYes, sorry. I was really hunger.
EDGEROk. ahhah. You are an odd fella, but I like that.
After he came, we end up the call, and didnt say "bye", so I always write something to force the other at least to say bye! I just gave u 3/4 of an hr of my life, at least pretend! We eventually play a second time that month (13min 12secs), at the end o that one:
EDGERThanks for playing! You enjoyed?
[+30 min] Bye... I gues...
B-M[+2 days] Hey.
EDGERUntil you develop some -even pretending- manners, I wont play with you.
I dont like to take that role, been bossy -out of the games. But I wanted some at least, a proffesional feedback. If u are a little considerated, u can gave a nice "thanks, bye". Well i wasn't having neether.
B-MHi Sir. Are u avaible?
EDGERMate, hi. You dont need to "sir" me. I just meant a simple hello, and goodbye. Been sayed that, of course I wanna play.
No cam, or conversation till July. I was "following" his carrer on Twitter. Not much to see actually, but i have not a professional eye, so how could I've know if it was a normal growth. The thing is that we had a small OnlyFans and see seemed to be publishing contect regulary. Even he had interactions with another "models" or guys into the same. Of course I wasnt interested at all in that side, I always stopped in the brief post that descrived his "normal" life, like work, studies, cooking and so . I had to know him in a rare way, so I was not impress, but certainlly turned on, but the other size.
When I say, rare, I mean that since day 1, even he never saw me at all, he showed his face, or even fully naked display. Why? He knew that I would be trust worthy? Imposible, no one can see that over a cold screen. So I dont romantize trust, or bet's on trust, always be sure who is in the other side. But he did his bet, and Ive payed good, cuz I have never fail his trust, in all this year i know him, and will never, as with none.
B-MWould you like to use me? Please.
EDGERNothing to thanks for! See you.
Yeah I know, when they dont say "Thanks", I play "hurt" and objectify. Now when he says "ty" I play humble
Sessions went along (MUCH): Only in JULY:
54min 12 secs
Everything was cool. Then I had my first challange, as he asked me to "level up". I could play my cards differently, but Im not here for "winning", Im here to share and play:
B-MAre un into toys of any kind, or another kinks?
EDGERMaybe it's easier for me, if you tell me directly what you want so I can tell u if i can play along. Because u know, maybe im not thaaaaat inmerse in the kink world you like to play. Im not saying I dont like it, I just saying that maybe my simple-tasks edge/milk games are a little lame for u.
B-MMaybe if you just tell me what turns you on?
EDGERWell, im a basic guy. I'm turned on by seen guys "been turned on". Does it make sense? I mean, i can play along with much. And better if they are hot!
Regarding the "objects"... i would say ... not invasive, like external stuff, some cockring, fleshlight, some stuff like that. naturally in the back, i imagine some dildo or so.
EDGERSo, Im not trying to save my case. Im been honest, if u need some more "experienced" or other guy that is more into ur kinks, i believe u should go for it.
B-MI like you. Cuz we work well.
So, recap: we were super. We never talked other than kink-session related, but we always get along. I was sawing his day to day stuff in twitter, we were playing regulary on Skype.
All was super! Untill I saw them. Now, I can see that it started slighty. Then a little more precise. After, on the night of JUL 26 2020, he posted a explicit suicidal post on his Twitter.
I remember it, maybe Ive been lucky enaugh to never have been related to that stuff, in any way. But I was shocked. I was in my bed, before going to sleep, scrolling on twitter and it appeard. I saw it maybe at 1AM. I didnt sleep til 5AM. Thinking, just thinking.
What should I do/say? Im not a specialist. What if I screw it, even worst?
It's for me to say something? Im not a real some in his life, im an anon guy that plays in a kink version of his sexuality.
At least I knew I wont be runing away of the "trouble" cuz, I already been touched by him, in an odd way, since the first time Ive sayed "Your an odd fella, but I like you". I could not run away.
EDGERI know that I might be ranked, in ur life, as another anon guy that briefly shares this odd and deep kink.
But i cant help myself to think about ur recent post on Twitter.
Im not stupid. Things are more transparent that they seem. The only think that came to my mind when I read that, was my reply to you when you one's wrote me for a call: And I sayed "want to banish some thoughts by wanking?"
Maybe im pretentious and should mind my own business. Now is 4.40 and I felt the need to wrote this.
I was so sad about the situation, I end up blameming myself, cuz maybe I, by playing in this way (so frequent and without any other talk) I was deepen any unhealthy behavour in him.
[We talk about it. He send me an audio, explaining himself. His posts were not necesarly a declaration of "intentions" rather than a speaking out loaud about his problems, as a proffesional had told him to do so.]
EDGERI DO APRECIATE U MADE THAT COMENT. MAINLY CUZ U DONT NEED TO CLARIFY, IM NOT A FRIEND OR SO. BUT U DID, SO THANKS.
B-MA diversion was never the needed. I dont use this to escaped my problems.
Well.. I was releaved. First because -inspite all our communication problems, we did understand each other, in the full extend of the meaning.
We dindt play again, small chat only. Unltil DIC 2020. 54min 13secs
EDGERHope there's less than 3 months till next.
B-MYou know you can contact me anytime.
EDGERAwwww, no i didnt!
B-MYeha I don't have to always aks you.
EDGERDamn, we missed much fun.-
All cool. We sayed merry christmas and happy new year.
At the end, hes back on track. Like, there's a perfect track when "normal" people goes by? No, of course. But he has been making new arregments in his life, and trying to work along things. I dont like to bring the topic, but i do my best to be a good company if we ever chat And we do it! We have much talking recently.
Confession: Ive been begging him to let me be on cam with him since christmas, but he never wants Maybe I just want to let him see that im as human as him, in my twenty some, trying to take something out of this mad world.
In this Chapter im exploring how my journey began.
I was intrigued by the idea of "sharing" a wank. I don't really know where the feeling came from. But I had it, and it was enough to mobilize me to do something about it.
As a newbie to the subject, I started googling some forum or general place to see ... and be seen. ♂️ I quickly ended up on Omegle, and was soon banned for exposing myself to random people - who wasn't necessarily there to see penises. Days passed without finding a truly interesting place, or one that -in short- allows you to share a wank, with people looking for the same thing. Obviously some experienced reader, or myself at this point, will say that they do exist and will give good references. But at that time, and with the rush, it was not so immediate.
I finally discovered the "dirtyroulette" website, and I saw the light! A light with few moral precepts, but with a lot of activity. Basically the site is a random loop of one-to-one webcam connections with strangers around the world. It has premium service, but I never needed it, not even logging in is essential. The only "filter" possible in the basic version is to select your country, as a measure of the webcams you want to see. I keep using it from time to time ... and found out that they have put "tags" to find people with "common interests" like "dom", "sub" etc.
I quickly adapted to the rhythm of the site. It was not a lot of science, passing and passing until finding someone interesting ... obviously the physical factor is predominant, because in the seconds in which you interact - sometimes less - you have to make the decision to continue or stay.
Now, where did the turn take place? One normal day, at night, when I was jumping from camera to camera I fell into one, in which there was an American. Since I know English - not being my native language - we communicate well. Perhaps he mistook my normal distance, seriousness, or attitude, as if he was trying to give a signal to be or like a particular type of contact.
In short, and without wasting time, he asks me "tell me what to do, please." My first reaction, coming from absolute innocence, would have been to ask: What? What for? With what sense? But as a human, I don't want to be seen as ignorant or exposed in my ignorance of the world, even if it is the most normal thing, or if descending to the underworld does not always have its first time.
So, I said "sure".
The dude started wanking. Normal wank: up and down. He was sitting in the desk chair, exposing his body from neck to knees. Sensing that it was not just telling him to initiate the only thing expected of me, I began to "read" his movements and signals.
He was sweating. His white body was flushed around his hands, chest, neck, and cock. His breathing was erratic. It seemed like he was carrying a weight a long time ago, and had found the opportunity to ... unload.
He stopped, just after two minutes.
EDGERWe... end up?
WANKERIf I go on, I will cum. Perhaps... something more irregular allows me to continue without quickly reaching the edge.
EDGEROk. Let me see. Restart, slowly.
He started to wank slowly. Soon, his balls - which had relaxed and hung loose - tensed and shrunk. First bell.
As if it were the order of the orphanage governess, he immediately released his penis, placing his hands at his sides. He sighed. And, even if I could only see his chin, I knew that he noded.
In that very act, I was baptized. In a way that could be thought of as opposed to common sense, but I quickly understood that "domination" - or simply being in charge - does not mean setting rules, times, or rhythms, but rather being the taker of an attitude.
He settled into his chair. We both knew that we reached the understanding necessary to get what we were looking for.
I felt something strange: responsibility. I was being expected.
There were expectations about me, in such a private matter, that I was partly overwhelmed. It had to be up to the task.
First blog entry in which I plan to tell a bit about the underworld i live in (partially).
My name does not matter, nor do the names of my counterparts. Stories do matter.
I am a person, so I tend to be wrong. I'm not interested in wasting time analyzing how I could have done the things I did. I hope you understand.
As I like movies, I present an original script, based on a true story, from my underworld.
INT. HELEN'S BEDROOM. PAST MIDDAY
Two people lie resting on the bed, side by side. [As modernity imposes it "they identify themselves as":] a man and a woman, a young (20-22) couple.
CHADAnd ... did it sell many copies?
HELENI guess ... I said it was a total hit, not just the song but the whole album
Chad checks the time on his cell phone. He thinks looking at the ceiling. The conversation had already been prolonged beyond the true interest of both parties.
CHADI think I'll go, I have to practice a bit, before Friday.
HELENOh, come on! You know that I can't see you tomorrow, and the day after tomorrow you have your game, so we won't see you until Saturday.
Chad thinks quickly as he checks the time again. Timing had become very important to Chad.
CHADAs much as 15 min.
HELENI understand. At least let me show you what I did at my charity.
Helen brings her laptop to bed. As smiling, white and bourgeois faces, during solemn charitable acts, parade in a presentation, Chad remains elusive, checking the time every five minutes. When the presentation ends, he retires.
EXT. SUBURB STREET. AFTERNOON
Chad's mind relaxes, but he doesn't wander lost, instead he focuses. He walks steady; He heads home. Life is simple for Chad: girlfriend, work, study, family. Simple things that don't arouse suspicion.
INT. CHAD'S HOME - KITCHEN
CHAD'S MOM... and for you Chad ... what was it? one or two jars of "BCCA"?
CHADFor the fifth time ma, B-C-A-A. I've been taking this since I was 18! You should have learned it by now ...
Chad always finds it uncomfortable to talk about his proteins, or workout schemes, in front of his parents. Many things make Chad uncomfortable, especially those related to his privacy. The step from a normal body to that of a small tank(short in stature, but large muscles, somewhat defined), although it brought him happiness, it generates mixed feelings over him.
The sound of the car driving away, understood as an empty house just for him, let him sigh. Shortly, a glance at the kitchen clock catapulted him into his room.
CHAD...bad timing, for losing them...
He was rummaging through a large trunk of sportswear. Little by little he assembled his complete uniform on the floor. Then, he looked at himself in the mirror, all in uniform. His heart, which had been racing since he was alone, had reached its maximum speed.
He turned on his desktop computer. He moved his legs while he waited.
Finally, he was online.
CHADHi SIR. Im ready.