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  1. In my previous post, I wrote about incidents where I was fully dressed and the other guy was naked. I have also had opposite experiences where I was the one who was naked and the other guy was fully dressed.

    One day, I worked out at a gym. It was a slow afternoon and there was only one other guy exercising when I was there. He was a white guy, appeared to be in his 40s, and was about the same height as me. He finished his workout earlier than me and left. I spent about 20 more minutes and headed to the locker room to take a shower.

    When I got out of the shower, the guy I saw earlier was getting dressed. He already had his khakis on and was buttoning up his shirt. I think I saw a ring on his left ring finger as well.

    And his locker was very close to mine -- like two lockers away. It was one of those gyms where a gym staff randomly picks a locker and hands you the key to it. And out of literally a hundred lockers, I didn’t understand why he or she had to assign us so closely when there were few customers. Anyway, I moved a little bit farther from him to allow myself some more space. And without thinking much, I undid the towel around my waist and started drying up myself. While doing that, I accidentally glanced at him and noticed that his face was slightly turned toward me although his body was facing the locker. And his gaze was actually on my crotch. He didn’t seem to notice that he got caught, though.

    It was kinda amusing to know that someone was intently checking on me. And it was obvious that he was taking his time -- he was moving from one button to another very slowly. And this amusement soon turned into excitement on my side. There was no one else in the locker room except for him and me. And the guy was obviously interested in my cock. What if I play a little naughty here? Would he catch my sign and go further? What would happen then?

    While I was deep in these thoughts, he got fully dressed. But his lingering continued - he was checking his pockets one by one and then started searching through his gym bag as if he were missing something. But his furtive glance continued throughout.

    I decided to give him what he wanted. So I moved my towel up to my head and started drying off my hair. My entire naked body was in full view of him, and he could safely check on me as my face would be covered by the towel. I think I even slightly turned toward him. And I spent a good 20 to 30 seconds doing that. Although I couldn’t see his face, I could still see his lower body - he was standing still and not moving.

    Then I dropped my towel on the floor, standing completely naked next to him. And I was slowly fetching my items from my locker one by one and putting them on the bench behind me. New underwear, lotion, comb, etc. When I did that, I occasionally checked where he’s looking at -- again his eyes were fixed on my cock and balls. He didn’t even try to be secretive at that time. He didn’t pretend that he was searching for some item, either. He was looking at me purposefully.

    Taking it as a cue, I decided to push it a little further. I casually pulled my balls. And soon after I gave a pull or two on my cock. I think I noticed his eyebrows lifted a little. I was actually enjoying this mild sexual tension between him and me. And the fact that I was teasing a fully clothed stranger while I was buck naked was oddly exciting and sexy. Because of either the pull or the thought (probably both) my cock started getting chubbed. I’m sure he noticed it. His crotch also looked a bit fuller in his pants but maybe that was just my imagination.

    When I was thinking about what to do next to make things more interesting, alas, someone else entered the locker room. My lurker buddy came back to his senses and quickly packed up and left. I chuckled at this sudden change of mood, got dressed, and left as well. I didn’t see him again after that.

    I have also put on shows for one of my jack off buddies. After our session, sometimes I waited for him to fully dressed but remained naked myself. Then I started jacking off myself in front of him, mostly lying down on the bed. He absolutely loved it - often he gently touched or licked my nipples while I was going at it. Sometimes I opened his fly and took his cock out and grabbed it until I came. He used to call it the greatest parting gift ever. Fun memories. :)
  2. I accidentally learned about this acronym, CMNM, while watching porns from some video site. I was mindlessly clicking one after another and eventually landed on a clip, in which a few guys wearing suits undressed a guy, handled him roughly (almost in a torturous way) and made him cum in the end. Initially, I didn’t quite like what I saw, mostly because of that abusive nature of the content. But the idea of seeing someone naked while I’m fully dressed or me being fully exposed in front of a clothed person was weirdly appealing. I guess it is also related to my doctor-patient fantasy I wrote about earlier. And looking back, I have a few interesting CMNM incidents.

    One night I was chatting online with someone named Jess. He introduced himself as an exhibitionist and wanted me to come over to his place and watch him.

    “So, is that all you want? I just watch you?” I asked.
    “Yes.”
    “Can I touch you?”
    “No, I don’t like that.”

    A weird proposition, I thought, but I was curious as well. I agreed to visit him and he gave me his address. He said he’d unlock the door and I could just come in. When I entered his apartment, it was very dark. His bedroom door was open and some light was coming out of the room. I saw him sitting in front of his desk, doing something on his computer.

    I approached Jess and said hello. He looked back at me but didn’t say anything. Instead, he moved his chair back from the desk and turned to me. We were facing each other, him still sitting down and me standing. And I noticed that he was only wearing a t-shirt and a pair of socks, but nothing else. His cock was already hard, pointing upward. He spread his legs wide and his balls were touching the seat. The light from the monitor was the only light in the entire apartment. It was a little too dark for my taste.

    “Can I turn on the light?” I asked.
    “No,” he said curtly.

    I came to him a little closer to see him better. He was wearing glasses and a little nerdy looking, but there was also some level of sexiness in his facial expression. Without saying anything, he started stroking his cock. I was awkwardly standing in front of him, and not quite sure what to do.

    “Do you want me to get naked, too?” I asked.
    “No,” he said.
    “Can I jack off with you?”
    “I don’t care.”

    I didn’t quite like the tone of his voice. He seemed only interested in him. But, out of boredom and horniness, I took out my cock through the fly of my jeans and start stroking myself while watching him. He didn’t look at me at all and was only focusing on his own cock. And after a few minutes or so, he came on his shirt with low grunt. Shortly after, I shot my cum on my hand and wiped my hand with some tissues on his desk.

    He took off the soiled shirt, further cleaned up himself with it, and put on a new one. Then, he simply turned back to his monitor again, without saying anything. I was pretty annoyed with his mannerism and indifference, so I left his apartment without saying anything.

    A few weeks later, I saw a familiar face in one of my classes. It was Jess and it turned out that we were taking the same class. I got extremely uncomfortable about the situation and worried about he noticed me as well and told other people about me. Fortunately, it was a big class and I always tried to sit as far as possible from him throughout the semester.

    If you say that this is not strictly CNMN because Jess was half naked and I exposed myself as well, then the second story is for you. :)

    I don’t quite remember when the second episode happened. Probably a couple of years after Jess. I got to know a guy named Jim through the online chat I was on. We chatted a few times.

    “Do you want to come over?” he asked one night.
    “For what?”
    “Whatever. We can chat. We can have some fun, if you want.”

    He seemed like an ok guy, so I accepted his invitation and visited him late at night. I remember it was a very cold night. However, Jim was quite different from what his profile said -- definitely not guy-next-door looking. To be honest, he was pretty unattractive to me, and I wish I could have checked his photo before coming to his place. He was very friendly, however, so I decided to stay for chat.

    It turned out that Jim was a pretty interesting guy with a lot of experiences. A very good storyteller, too. I actually enjoyed my conversation with him and stayed longer than I initially planned. At some point, however, he changed the topic and asked.

    “So, do you want to do anything else?”
    “Umm… I am not sure.” I hesitated. That physical attraction factor was still not there.
    “It’s okay. Tell me what you want.”

    Hmm.. did he not understand what “I’m not sure” means? I certainly didn’t want to get naked with him, but for some unknown reason, I got a different idea.

    “Can I just watch you jack off?” I asked.
    “You just want to watch?”
    “Yeah, is that okay?”
    “Are you going to jack off. Too?”
    “No. I’ll just watch you. Is it okay?”

    Jim hesitated for a while, then he said, “It’s weird and I have never done that, but whatever, I’ll do it.”
    “Can you be completely naked?” I went one step further.
    “Seriously?”
    “Yes.”
    “Man, this is gonna be really weird, ” he chuckled.

    Jim started undressing in front of me. Soon he was standing completely naked in front of me. His body was not too bad. Average build with a little bit of belly, but overall fine. He had a medium sized cut cock and balls with full brown bush.

    He lay down on some sort of mat on the floor. I sat next to him.

    “I am nervous and I may not be able to cum, though,” he said.
    “That’s okay,” I said.

    He closed his eyes and started massaging his soft cock with one hand. Before long, his cock became fully erect and he started stroking it slowly. He kept his eyes closed and was blushing. And after a few minutes, his breathing became faster and louder. He moved his hand faster as well.

    “I think I’m gonna cum soon. Can you hold my hand?” he asked. I held his free hand. His grip was tight.

    “I’m cumming now,” he whispered. And with that, he shot several times on his stomach. His hand was crushing mine while he was shooting. And he finally my hand go after a while.

    “Whew, I can’t believe I did this,” he said sheepishly.
    “It was great. I enjoyed,” I was actually not lying. Interestingly, it was quite enjoyable, as if I was watching some live porn.

    He cleaned up himself and put on a robe. I think I thanked him and left his place shortly after.
  3. (Spoiler Alert: This post contains some spoilers for several movies. You probably don’t care since these are old ones. :) )

    I like movies. I wouldn’t call myself a movie buff, but I think I have watched a pretty good number of movies. Some of them are memorable to me because I had some interesting episodes when I watched them. For instance, I watched Saving Private Ryan on the opening day at a local theater. It was right after eating a huge amount of food at a birthday dinner, and I had no idea what I was going to see. It was a miracle that I survived the first 20 minutes without throwing up. I also watched Schindler’s list while I was suffering from one of the most extreme hangovers in my life. I was knocked out both physically and emotionally after 3+ hours of watching an extremely realistic depiction of one of the darkest moments in human history. (Interestingly, both were from Steven Spielberg. Hmm…)

    Some of the movies are also special to me because I experienced sexual awakenings with them. One such movie was Amadeus. It is very mild when it comes to nudity to any adult standards, but I was 8 or 9 back then and pretty intrigued by lots of cleavages and sexual flirting between Mozart and the women. It gave me some funny feeling inside my stomach.

    Damage was the first mainstream movie where I saw the full frontal nude of a well-known actor. Back then, in my home country, any frontal nudity was heavily censored, and I was fortunate to watch an uncensored version at some unofficial film festival. The scene itself was very dramatic and sad in a way, but I was so turned on by that split second showing Jeremy Irons’s flopping cock. The shock factor was probably even more because I had remembered him as a pious Jesuit priest from The Mission till then.

    When I came to the States, I rewatched quite a few movies because I knew that the versions I had watched before were censored. They include the sex scene at the end of Wild Orchid, Sharon Stone’s infamous leg crossing scene from The Basic Instinct, Christopher Atkins’s beautiful nude scenes from The Blue Lagoon.

    But if I have to pick one movie that affected me the most, it was The Pillow Book by Peter Greenaway. I watched it alone at a local art theater near my university. Like Greenaway’s other movies, the movie itself was weirdly sensuous and erotic. The ending was pretty grotesque to me, sort of reminding me of William Faulkner’s A Rose For Emily.

    The movie was full of male frontal nudity. I think I even saw an anus in one scene. The most notable nudity belonged to Ewan McGregor, who played the main character. And there was one particular scene, where both McGregor and the female lead were standing fully naked and their entire front side filled the big screen. They were kissing and caressing, but my eye was fixated on McGregor’s seemingly fluffed cock. It even appeared getting somewhat bigger during that scene. My heart was racing.

    Right then a thought hit me hard. “Shit, am I really gay? Really?” Up until then, I had been confused and concerned about my sexuality but had been systemically denying the possibility that I might be a gay. But at that moment, I started thinking that I might really be a gay. The half of the screen was showing a nude figure of a beautiful woman but I didn’t even give a slight look at her. It was the nude body of her counterpart that was making me dizzy. This thinking made me scared. It made me feel like puke. It made me want to run out of the theater right then.

    The movie was over and I came home. And I was miserable for several days. I was concerned, sad, and angry. I even cried a few times. I didn’t have courage to accept myself as I was and I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t eat and sleep well. There was no one I could talk to about this. And after days of agony, I went back into the same shell that I had put on earlier and started denying again.

    After a quarter century after, I still ask myself. “What if I decided to take a different route then? Would I be happier now?” I will never know.
  4. When people are talking about their fetishes and fantasies, I acknowledge each individual’s preferences. But I don’t normally understand why they are into such things, especially anything related to physical pains and humiliations. They simply do not appeal to me. But I have to admit that there was one thing that I’ve been really drawn to -- a doctor examining patients.

    I don’t know when or how it started. Maybe it was from some doctor-patient play I did with my friend when I was young. In one episode I remember, I played a doctor and my friend a patient. I asked him to lower his pants for a shot, but he acted silly and dropped his pants and underwear all the way to his ankles and exposed his entire lower body. I remember I gave him a fake shot on his butt while giggling.

    As I grew up and realized more about my sexuality, I mentally stripped naked so many guys around me. And I fantasized about me being an authority figure who can legitimately ask people to get naked and touch their cock and balls freely… like doctors! Maybe that’s how it started.

    But in real life, I did not become a medical doctor or a nurse. I do know this perverse desire of mine would/should never happen in professional medical fields. But well.. that’s why it’s called a fantasy, right? :)

    I’ve been seeing my primary care physician, Dr. S, for over 10 years now. He recently gained some weight, but he’s still a fairly good looking gentleman. For my annual physicals, he has given me genital and prostate exams. I have been secretly hoping he would say something like “Ok. Your exam is done. Would you like to examine me now?” while lowering his pants, but obviously that never happened and I know it will not happen. :)

    But there was one incident when my desire was kind of fulfilled.

    I met Jake through some online chat. According to his profile, he was in late 30s, a marathon runner, and pretty fit. We talked about what we wanted and agreed to meet in person one evening to see if we were compatible with each other.

    We were supposed to meet at the front entrance of a now-gone Borders bookstore. When I arrived, he was waiting in his car parked near the entrance and waved at me to get into his car. Jake looked older than the age in his profile, maybe in late 40s or early 50s, but he was quite handsome. He was wearing a baseball cap and kept his hair very short. He was also wearing a pair of glasses. I got in his car and we had some conversations.

    “So what do you do for a living?” I asked at some point.
    “I am a medical doctor,” Jake said. His voice was deep and low.
    “That’s very cool. What is your specialty?”
    “Internal medicine.”
    “Wow, you must have seen a lot of cocks,” I said, laughing.
    “Haha, yes. Many of my patients are rather old, though. But I have some young patients as well,” he winked at me.

    Jake and I chat a bit more. Then I asked.

    “So, what do you think?”
    “Yeah, I want to do it with you,” he said. I was glad. He was very attractive.
    “Great! Do you know any place we can go?”
    “Why don’t we get a room? I’ll pay for it.”

    He gave me directions to a nearby motel 6. I got out of his car and drove my car there. When I arrived, he was already checking in. I waited outside. He gave me the room number and I followed him to the room like 20 steps behind him.

    We entered the room and stood in front of each other. Jake was tall. About 6’1”, I think, He took off his cap and I saw his bald head. He smiled awkwardly.

    I started undressing him. I think he was wearing a Hawaiian button-down shirt. As I unbuttoned one by one, more and more of his fit upper body was revealed. Not ripped, but pretty fit. Then I lowered his khakis. He was wearing very tight white briefs and his cock was already hard in them, tilted to one side of his pelvis. I lowered his underwear to free it. He was very well-endowed - his cock was quite long and thick. It was also curved sideways. His balls were tight and looked smaller compared to his cock. His pubes were very short -- he must have shaved them a few days back.

    He started undressing me. After seeing his cock, I got self-conscious and nervous as he was putting his big hand into my boxer briefs. He was fondling my cock gently in them for a while before lowering them completely.

    “Mine looks like a child’s cock compared to yours,” I sheepishly said.
    “It is definitely not a child’s dick,” he said to me while rubbing the head of my cock with his thumb.
    “Well, if a doctor says so, I must believe him,” I chuckled.

    I don’t quite remember what happened after. I think we jacked off each other and he sucked me. I remember we were lying on the bed together and having some more conversation.

    “Can I ask you a favor?” I asked.
    “What is it?”
    “If you are interested in meeting again, do you think you can give me a physical exam for fun?”
    “Sure, why not? Can you remind me?”
    “Of course!”

    A few weeks later, we met again at the same motel 6. I paid for the room this time and was waiting for Jake in the room. He arrived with a gym bag.

    We got naked together. I sat down on the bed and Jake on the desk chair. He opened his bag and took out a stethoscope, a small hammer that is used to test knee-jerk reflex, and some more doctor gadgets.

    “Are you ready for the exam?” Jake asked, grinning.
    “Sure.”

    My naked doctor started to examine me. He listened to my heart and lungs, felt glands under my chin, pressed my belly, checked my reflexes and more. He explained to me what he was doing and sounded very professional. He was standing naked in front of me, and I was so tempted to grab his semi-hard cock while he was checking on me. But I was being a good patient and refrained myself from doing it. :)

    “Ok. I’m going to give you a genital exam. Can you stand up?”

    I stood up immediately. He checked my penis carefully, pressing along the shaft. I got an erection when he did that. Then he started to feel my balls with his fingers. He also checked my pubic hair.

    “Now, I’ll give you a prostate exam. Can you climb on the bed and be on your hands and knees?” he asked.

    Wait. What? A prostate exam? That was not what I was expecting. Is he going to finger me? I had never fingered before. I knew what a prostate exam was, but I thought it was for older men!

    Nervously I followed his order. Suddenly I felt very vulnerable. I heard him putting on a glove.

    “You will feel something cold. Just relax.”

    He spread my ass cheeks with one hand, and then something cold and slippery entered my anus. It was not very enjoyable, but not too bad either. I was rather concerned about any possibility of making a mess when he took out his finger.

    “This is your prostate,” he said.

    And he added some pressure to a certain point inside me. I remember it was quite an interesting feeling. Not sure if I can tell it felt great, but it was a sensation that I hadn’t felt before.

    “Everything looks good,” he said, handing me over a couple of tissues. I wiped out the lube.

    “Thank you so much. It was really good,” I said.
    “My pleasure.”
    “Do you mind teaching me how to give an exam?” I asked.
    “The whole thing?”
    “Just the genital exam part,” I laughed coyly.

    Jake laughed, and then started to give me quite detailed instructions.

    “Try on me,” he said.

    Our roles were reversed. I was sitting on the chair and examining Jake’s cock and balls. His cock got hard as I felt it. I gave him a thorough exam, following his instruction. He explained some skin conditions he had in the area as well. He was a great teacher.

    “Do you want to feel my prostate, too? I brought an extra pair of gloves,” Jake asked.

    Soon, I was putting K-Y jelly on my gloved index finger. Jake was on all fours on the bed. The sight of his butt and spread legs with his balls dangling was very hot. But I had to focus on the exam. :)

    I spread out Jake’s cheeks and slowly pushed my finger into his anus. It felt tight and seemed to push my finger back. I pushed it in harder and it finally slipped in. Jake moaned.

    He told me how I can find his prostate. I was rotating my hand as he instructed. And I felt something fleshy. Is this it?

    “Yes, that is it,” Jake whispered. And I was trying to feel it with my finger. My finger was deep inside him and it felt as if his anus were grabbing it.

    Jake continued to moan. He was very charismatic and confident when he was examining me. However, he was whimpering now and suddenly appeared quite weak.

    “Is this okay?” I asked, half concerned.
    “Don’t stop. Keep touching it,” he said.

    Then I noticed that his hard cock was dripping a lot of precum. It formed a very thin string connecting between the tip of his cock and the bed sheet. With my free hand, I reached his cock from the side and started jerking him off. My finger was still inside him.

    It seemed that he really liked it. He started moaning and panting really loudly as I continued, and soon he came very hard on the sheet. I could feel his inside pulsing on my finger when he came. While he was catching his breath while still on all fours, I retracted my finger from him and threw away the glove to the trash can.

    Jake cleaned him up and the bed sheet and lay down on the bed.

    “You know, next time you can fuck me,” he said, smiling.
    “Umm.. do you actually do that?” I stammered. I didn’t see this coming,
    “Yeah, I have a fuck buddy, too.”
    “Oh, wow.”
    “Only if you want to,” he added.
    “Sure.”

    I don’t remember the rest of the night. After our second meeting, both Jake and I got very busy at work and with family matters. We occasionally chatted, but we didn’t get to see each other for a while. And around that time, I decided to relocate to California for another job.

    A few days before my move, Jake emailed me and asked if I would be available the week after. I told him that I was going to move to a different state and unfortunately I couldn’t see him anymore. He seemed disappointed. I liked him, and I was disappointed as well.

    After my move, we exchanged emails a few more times. But eventually, I lost contact with him. My short fling with Jake is actually one of my fondest memories with guys. It never fails to give me a hardon. :)
  5. During my first year in the States, I lived in a dorm. It was a tiny room, almost inhuman, and I had to share the bathroom with another person. While in the bathroom, I couldn’t lock the door to the other person’s room, so I always had to run the water to let him know that I was in it. I hated it so much, but I had no choice but to stay because I had already paid for the room for one whole year.

    After the term was over, I happily moved out of the dorm and into a studio near the university. It was small but cozy. And I had my own bathroom! How nice! It was actually the first time I lived completely alone. I had all the privacy I wanted.

    Around that time, I got more and more interested in meeting other guys and experiencing more, especially with non-Asian guys, whom I hadn’t been with. I thought about what I would be comfortable doing with them and decided to look for j/o buddies. I was so afraid of getting anything bad and thought mutual j/o would be safe and fun at the same time.

    Back then, there was a site called gay.com where you could chat with local guys. (Anyone remember?) My English was pretty bad back then, but I eagerly chatted to find guys who would be interested in mutual j/o. To my disappointment, however, it was not easy to find one who’s into it. Most of them who showed interest in me wanted much more than just stroking.

    One day I was chatting with a guy named Doug. Doug was a white guy, of the same age as me, and was attending another college 30 minutes from my university. He said he had never been with a guy and would like to try mutual j/o with me. I happily invited him to my place one Saturday morning.

    I met Doug outside of my apartment building. He got out of his old Honda sedan and waved at me, saying “Howdy.” He was a couple of inches taller than me, stocky, and very innocent looking. He was wearing a t-shirt and shorts and I could tell he was a very hairy guy. We shook hands and came to my studio.

    Initially, there was very awkward silence. I think we eventually started talking about everyday things -- schools, movies, whatever. And at some point, I decided to make a move.

    “So, do you want to try… you know... ?” I asked
    “Yeah, I’d like to,” Doug answered shyly.

    I started undressing myself and Doug followed suit. Soon we were standing only with our underwear on. He was indeed hairy. Hair was everywhere except for his back. It was a stark contrast compared to my smooth body

    “I brought some movie. Do you want to watch?” Doug asked.
    “Sure.”

    He took a VHS tape out of his backpack, and I inserted it into the player. It was a straight porn. I turned down the volume so that no one could hear it from outside.

    We sat on my couch. He started touching himself inside his boxers while watching the movie. I did the same. We stroked like that for some time.

    “Would you like to touch mine?” I asked.
    “Yes,” Doug answered. I stretched out the waistband and he put his hand into my briefs. He gently massaged my hard cock and balls.
    “What do you think?”
    “It feels like my cock,” Doug smiled. His smile was weirdly cute.
    “Can I touch yours?”

    Without answering, Doug grabbed my wrist and placed my hand under his boxers. It was my first time to feel a white guy’s cock. And the first thing I noticed was his girth. It was a very thick one. Actually I was quite surprised by that. I tried to feel his balls but they were all the way up to his body.

    I took off my briefs and Doug did his. Doug’s cock was about an inch longer and a lot thicker than mine. The head was big. A lot of pubes. I started stroking him and he stroked mine. I don’t remember if he was actually watching the movie, but I kept watching his cock.

    “Can I suck you?” Doug suddenly asked.
    “... yes,” I was hesitant initially, but agreed. Wasn't I looking for a j/o bud out of fear of getting anything bad? Well, I shouldn't trust myself.

    Doug sucked me for about a minute or two. Unless he had lied, it must have been his first time, but he was very natural. It felt much better than Ben’s teeth-driven sucking. He then sat up again and stroked mine.

    He did not ask me to suck him, but for some reason, I felt like I should reciprocate. And without asking him, I opened my mouth and started sucking him. In my mouth, his cock felt even thicker and I couldn’t go down deep, otherwise I would have gagged. I think it tasted somewhat salty.

    He remained quiet, so I didn’t know if he enjoyed what I did. Not too long after, however, Doug said, “I need to cum.”

    I pulled it out of my mouth and he started cumming on his hairy pubic area. He was blushing. Watching him cumming pushed me over the edge as well and I came on my stomach as well. After the release, however, even more awkward silence than the beginning filled the room. I think I offered some paper towels to him to clean up and probably said something like “it was fun.” And Doug left shortly after.

    Alone in my studio, I replayed what had just happened with Doug. And I couldn’t believe what I had done. Letting him suck me was one thing, but sucking him? What made me do that? What was I thinking? I remember I was actually embarrassed rather than excited about my first experience. I’m a planner and maybe that kind of whimsical decision making bothered me. Worse, the taste of Doug’s cock lingered in my mouth for a while and I spit several times.

    It was twenty something years ago, and now I can laugh about the incident. I didn’t see Doug after that. But if I could meet him today, we would probably have a good conversation about our awkward first experience. :)
  6. Ben

    I took some summer courses when I was a junior in college, and Ben was my roommate for the summer. He was one of the smartest students I’d known - he read a lot of books and could talk about whatever topic you’d bring up for hours. He had an interesting personality - always smiling and bubbly, but occasionally became so serious and focused. Physically, he was not very attractive. Kinda dorky face with medium height. Our dorm had a communal shower and I saw him in the shower a few times. He was not chubby at all but had a soft body with some belly. He had a medium-sized cock and pretty good-sized balls. When we were in the shower, he kept pulling his cock. I think he wanted to make it look bigger.

    Ben and I shared a 2-person room. The college allowed us to rearrange furniture back then, so Ben and I moved all our furniture to one side of the room to create a bigger empty space so that we could host more friends in our room. And as a result, his bed and my bed were placed right next to each other.

    One night we laid down on our beds to sleep. When I was about to fall asleep, I felt Ben’s knee touching my leg. He didn’t move it for a while, so I thought he was sleeping and moved my leg. Shortly after, however, his leg touched mine again and it stayed in that way for a while. I moved my leg again. His leg followed mine again. This time I pretended to be asleep and didn’t move mine.

    I was fully awake by then and started thinking about what was going on. I was closing my eyes but I could sense that he lifted his head. And he turned toward me. Maybe he was checking if I was sleeping? But he didn’t make any moves for quite some time. He was definitely acting weird, but I was too tired and decided to go back to sleep.

    Soon, however, I started to feel my blanket move. And to my big surprise, I felt his hand on my thigh. I was wearing shorts and his fingertips were under a leg opening of them. He must have waited until he thought I was sound asleep.

    “Wow,” I thought to myself. Never expected if he would be doing this. And even though I felt a bit violated, I was also horny and decided to let him do it and see where it led.

    Ben’s hand crept further up on my shorts and I felt his fingers touching the hem of my briefs. And they started to feel my balls over the fabric. First some rubs and then pressing touch. Still in disbelief that this was happening, I was getting an erection. His hand traveled further up, searching for my cock. And without difficulty, he found it. He cupped it with his hand, ran his fingers along the shaft. I think a bit of my cock head was exposed under the waistband. He felt the soft flesh as well.

    Then I felt something on the back of my hand. I realized that it was his crotch pressed against my hand.

    “Man, he’s bold,” I thought.

    His hand was trying to get into my underwear. Was he actually trying to wake me up? Did he really think I’d be still asleep after this? Whatever the situation was, it was unfair that he’s the only one who’s touching. I moved my hand and started rubbing his crotch. He seemed startled and stopped, with his hand still in my shorts. But when I kept rubbing his cock, he took it as a signal. He removed my blanket and tried to lower my shorts and underwear.

    “What the hell…,” I thought. But I didn’t say anything and lifted my butt. He undressed my lower body completely. I was lying down half naked with my hard cock sticking up and he was eagerly exploring it, now with both hands.

    I just couldn’t believe what was happening. I didn’t know what triggered him to act like that. Did he eye on me for a while? I didn’t catch any signals or whatsoever from him, though.

    Ben was gentle with my cock. He grabbed it with his hand and felt the girth. He played with my pubic hairs. And he cupped my balls and rolled them with his fingers.

    I let him play with me for a while, and then I sat up and undressed him. As I lowered his PJ pants, his hard cock sprung up. It was slightly longer than mine and about the same thickness. His balls were full and relaxed. I fondled them for a while and then started stroking his cock. Immediately, he did the same to me.

    We were stroking each other like that for a while -- silently. After a while, he started panting and started cumming. Jay was a shooter, but Ben was a sprayer. He sprayed quite a bit of cum all over his upper body and on my hand. After he’s done, he got up, brought a towel and cleaned up. And then he grabbed my cock again and started stroking really fast. It was too much for my taste, so I had to slow him down by grabbing his hand.

    After a while, I came on my stomach. He offered his towel to me but I didn’t want to use his cum-soaked towel, so I grabbed my own and cleaned up. And I put on my shorts and laid on the bed. He put his hand under my briefs again and fondled my cock. I was too tired and let him do that. And I fell asleep.

    Interestingly, both of us didn’t say any words during the incident. And when we got up the next day, we didn’t talk about it, either. It was super awkward for me to talk to him after that. So we kept quiet to each other for a while.

    But unlike our quiet daytime, our nights were much more active. Almost every night, we jacked off each other. Ben always initiated the move -- as soon as the light was off, he undressed me first and then undressed himself. Then he started jerking me off and I followed suit. We exchanged few words, though.

    One night, Ben was stroking me and his face was close to my cock. And he looked up at me and said, “Do you want me to suck you?” He caught me off guard -- I hadn’t experienced oral sex before, neither giving nor receiving. The idea was too much and I didn’t answer. He took it as a no and stroked me till cum.

    A few nights after, however, he popped the question again. “Can I suck you?” And this time I said, “go ahead.” He lowered his head and put my cock in his mouth. It was obvious that it was his first time sucking as well. He was gagging and I constantly felt his teeth on my cock. It was not very pleasant. I didn’t want to discourage him, so I didn’t say anything to him.

    Pleasant or not, my cock reacted to his sucking and I came really close. And I failed to give him a warning and just started shooting. He didn’t pull away though. He continued to suck while I was cumming. But when he raised his head, he spit out my cum, saying “I couldn’t swallow.” It was my first oral sex.

    He didn’t offer to suck me after that, though. Maybe my shooting in his mouth was a bit too much for him. I didn’t ask him to suck me, either. In fact, I was losing interest in playing with him. He was not attractive to me and I didn’t feel the connection that I had with either Jay or Harry. It was not fun.

    He still wanted to play with my cock, though. Some nights, I just let him touch me. Sometimes, he touched me while I was asleep and woke me up in the middle of the night. I was constantly sleep deprived for quite some time because of him, and I started getting annoyed by that. So one day, I told him we should stop doing that. He seemed disappointed but respected my decision. And it finally ended.

    I lost contact with Ben after that. I heard he became quite successful in his field, which was not a surprise given how smart he was. I wish him well. Regardless of our chemistry, he was the first guy who sucked me. :)
  7. Several years back, I had a chance to visit Sydney, Australia for a few weeks for work. Since it was my first time to visit the city and the country, I eagerly planned sightseeing for the two weekends I was going to spend there, including the famous opera house. And I learned that there were a few nude beaches in Sydney. What a pleasant surprise! :)

    On my first Saturday there, I headed to one of the nude beaches called Lady Jane. I took a ferry from Circular Quay in the city center to get there. The beach was pretty compact - a short and narrow sandy area backed with stone walls. However, it was surprisingly not private - the beach was pretty well visible from the road above. That bothered me a bit at first, but I think the fact that I was too far from home made me bold. Like a seasoned nude beach goer :), I quickly stripped down to nothing and put sunscreen on all over my body (yes, I learned my lessons from my previous mistake). I actually had shaved my pubes completely the night before after my miserable failure to trim them with a razor. I felt even more naked without any hair down there.

    It was a gorgeous afternoon - sunny with cool breeze. Some boats were on the ocean, not too far from the beach. There were a few guys on the beach when I got there. One of them approached me and said hi. He was tall and appeared to be in his late 50s or early 60s. He had a mid-size uncut cock with shaved pubes. He was also very tan without any tan line, so I assumed he frequented nude beaches.

    He was quite friendly and a good conversationalist. He asked me what had brought me to Sydney and we talked about my work and a bunch of other stuff. While I was chatting with him, however, my eyes were actually on the other guy, who was like 10 feet from me. He was young, fairly good looking with a slim build and curly hair. He was lying down on his stomach and I could only see his back side.

    Shortly after, another young guy arrived and joined him. And he finally lifted his body and sat up on his towel. To my surprise, he was sporting a massive hardon. He didn’t bother to hide it, however, and was proudly showing it to everybody. His friend (or partner?) also got naked and sat next to him, and they started chatting.

    There was another guy sitting close to me. He looked probably in his 40s, masculine looking, a little bit of belly but overall fit, and wearing sunglasses. His whole body was glistening with whatever oil he put on his body. He kept looking at me and constantly touching and adjusting his uncut cock. He managed to keep it semi-hard but not fully hard. He was definitely listening in on my conversation, but he remained quiet.

    The older guy I had been talking to also noticed him and kept glancing at his crotch. And at some point during our conversation, he got an erection. I was highly amused. These guys were just nonchalantly getting hard and didn’t really try to hide it. Australians must be very open people. :)

    After a while, I excused myself and started walking toward one end of the beach. It became rocky and some huge boulders and trees offered shades and privacy. When I was exploring the area, I heard someone from behind me.

    “G’day”

    I looked back. It was the quiet guy. He looked much taller standing up.

    “Hey,” I replied.
    “I’m David (forgot what his name actually was, but let’s call him David).”

    And with that, he lifted his right hand. I initially thought he was going to offer his hand for a handshake, but I was dead wrong. He grabbed my cock. Is this an Australian way of greeting?

    He started playing with my cock in his hand. His hand was slippery with the oil he’d been using and my cock quickly grew in his hand. Half embarrassed and half excited, I nervously looked around. We were alone behind some large rocks which provided good privacy.

    “It’s okay, mate. People don’t care.” His accent was very enticing,

    I grabbed his cock as well. It was already hard. Not long but pretty thick. I started stroking it slowly, watching his foreskin move back and forth.

    Suddenly, some guy passed us from behind. I didn’t see him coming and got really startled, but he just passed us with a big grin on his face after a quick glimpse at our crotches, as if it were nothing.

    “See? It’s all right,” he assured me.

    His slippery hand felt good on my cock. I was getting more and more relaxed and started feeling good. However, he started moaning a little soon.

    “Oh… Oh….”

    And with some funny facial expressions, he started shooting. Some of his cum landed on my thigh. I wanted to enjoy his cock more, so I was a little disappointed that it had ended this soon. I kept grabbing his deflating cock and he continued jacking me off. And I came after a few minutes.

    “Thank you, mate. It was great,” he said with a smile.
    “Same here,” I answered.
    “I am usually here on Saturdays. Are you going to come again?”
    “No, I plan to go somewhere next Saturday, and then will go back to the States.”
    “Too bad. I was hoping to see you again.”

    I thanked him again and left.

    I wish I could tell an equally interesting story about other beaches that I visited. However, it turned out to be a total dud for me. The next Saturday, I headed out to another nude beach, called Obelisk. I heard that it is bigger and mostly gay nude beach, so I had high hopes. However, when I got there, it was pretty much empty. Just a couple of uninteresting people with swimsuits on. Was I actually at the wrong part of the beach? I was not sure.

    Disappointed, I headed out to another nude beach nearby called Cobblers. When I got closer to the beach, I saw a young couple (man and woman) heading in the same direction, so I got hopeful. And when I finally got there, there was a pretty good sized crowd on the beach. However, it was very straight - a lot of women were there. And I was not comfortable about being naked in front of women. So I lingered a bit and then left.
  8. Shortly after I moved to California, I learned that there was a clothing optional private beach like an hour from where I lived. I wanted to check out what it was like, so I took a half day off at work and headed there in one sunny afternoon.

    The beach was pretty big. It was a weekday afternoon, so I didn’t expect a lot of people but there were at least 10 people, all naked, walking around various sections of the beach. As I walked along the beach, I saw several square-shaped enclosures made from driftwood. Some people were sunbathing inside them.

    I saw a naked guy reading a book in one of them and asked him what they were. He looked to be in his 20s, wearing glasses and a bit nerdy looking. Average-sized cock and balls with full dark brown pubes. His balls were particularly red and relaxed after soaking a lot of sunlight.

    “Oh, these block winds and also give you some privacy, especially when you want to have some fun.”
    “You mean people are having sex here?”
    “Sure, why not?” He grinned.

    Wow, a new thing I learned that day.

    The weather was very nice. The sun was high and the air was cool. Not too hot, not too cold. Just about right. And I was thinking whether or not to get naked. Up until then, I was never fully nude in the nude beaches I visited. And this one was actually fairly close to where I lived. The possibility of meeting someone I knew here made me hesitant. But at the same time, I felt like I really should have the true nude beach experience. I started stripping in the middle of the beach. Some older guy was watching me undress like 10 feet away, but I didn’t care. When I put my clothes in the backpack and stood up completely naked, that guy gave me a thumb-up. I stretched my cock and balls to make them more presentable. :)

    It felt great and liberating. I was wearing a cap and sunglasses and had a backpack on my back, but other than them, there was nothing else on my body. The feeling of cool air around my genitalia was very refreshing.

    I was walking down the beach some more. I saw some more people in the driftwood structures. All guys and no women, which I didn’t mind at all. Then I finally reached what seemed like the end of the beach, It was rocky and blocked by some cliff. And there were a few Hispanic guys standing, either naked or half naked and stroking their hard dicks. So what that nerdy guy had told me was true -- people were doing stuff out in the public. One of them motioned at me to join them. I got close to them. They were chatting in Spanish while stroking. I didn’t know what to do. Unlike the last time, I actually started meeting guys again, but at the same time I was not comfortable doing anything in such an open place. So I headed back after watching them for a while.

    I was walking through some sandy part of the beach with quite a few driftwood structures. Suddenly I heard some sound not far from me. It was two guys talking and moaning. One guy was complimenting the other guy’s cock and the other guy asked him to keep stroking his.

    I stopped there and eavesdropped on their stroking session. The sound of strangers' intimate moment was very hot. However, I couldn’t see them because that stupid wood thing was blocking the view. I silently walked toward them, hoping to see more. And little by little I started seeing their naked bodies. First, their feet, then their legs, and finally their hard cocks. Even though I wanted to see their faces as well, I didn’t dare to move further. One guy was stroking the other guy, whose body was rhythmically twitching. His belly was rapidly going up and down as he moaned. And suddenly with a rather loud grunting, he came onto his stomach.

    However, I must have made some sound. They noticed I was standing there watching them and quickly sat up. I saw two middle-aged guys in their late 40s or early 50s. The guy who did the stroking glared at me while the other guy kept looking forward as if nothing had happened. I said sorry and walked away.

    I was passing by another structure with a small umbrella set up. I saw a naked guy sitting there and chilling. He was a slim white guy, wearing sunglasses, mustaches, maybe in his 40s. He had a smallish uncut cock and balls.

    “Good afternoon”, he said.
    “Hello.”
    “You came here alone?”
    “Yeah, you?”
    “I am. too. Would you like to sit down?”

    He seemed harmless, so I sat down next to him. I don’t really remember what we talked about - some meaningless chit-chat, I guess. Then from the corner of my eye, I saw his cock was growing. I don’t think we were talking about anything sexual, so it's not clear what made that happen. His cock was erect with the head fully exposed. His shaft was thin. He noticed that I was looking at his cock and smiled sheepishly.

    “Sorry, does this make you uncomfortable?”, he said.
    “No, not at all.”

    Then without hesitation, he started jerking off his cock right in front of me, while he continued smiling at me. He didn’t ask me to do anything, though, I was just watching him silently. And after 30 seconds or so, he started dripping his cum.

    It was so sudden. There was no moaning or whatsoever and he just came like that. And he kept smiling. I was speechless. He didn’t even try to clean up the mess. Maybe he was just a friendly guy who smiled a lot, but his overall mannerism gave me the creeps. So I thanked him for the invitation and left him. When I glanced back after 10 steps or so, he was still looking at me and smiling.
  9. As I wrote earlier, I used to see a lot of naked guys in public baths in my home country. And when I first moved to the States, I had high hopes to see more naked people of diverse races. However, after a few visits to recreational centers in my new university, I discovered the overall prudishness of Americans, especially the younger generation, and was quite disappointed.

    Then a friend of mine from Canada told me about a nude beach next to his university in Vancouver. He said he was a regular there. I remember I was so fascinated by his story. A nude beach next to a university? Really? How come I didn’t hear about that? If I had known earlier, I would have applied there. And I’d see naked guys every day. Should I transfer now? :)

    However, it was years after when I experienced my first nude beach. I was visiting Toronto with my fiancee and learned that there was a nude beach called Hanlan’s Point on Toronto island. Excited, I persuaded her to go to the beach with me. I said, “It is clothing optional, so we can have our swimsuits on.” And she reluctantly agreed.

    As we approached the beach, the first thing we saw was a very nice view of downtown Toronto. Then I saw a sign saying “You are entering a clothing optional area.” My heart started pounding. After years of wait, I was finally going to experience my first nude beach. And there they were.. My first nude beach folks -- One old couple in their 70s lying down and tanning and another naked old man standing in the water. Looks like there were a couple more men sitting far from where we were, who also looked old. I was baffled. “Is this all? And there are no younger people?”

    This was completely different from what we imagined. It looked and felt like a public bath I had visited at 5am in the morning a while ago, where there were several grandpas and I was the only young person. We were discussing whether or not to stay. I suggested that we stay at least 30 mins and see what happens. She agreed and we lay down on our mat, hoping to watch some more naked (and hopefully younger) people. To my delight, a couple of young guys in their 20s soon arrived and were setting up chairs near us. I thought “this is promising.” However, they only took off their shirts but not the shorts. Sigh…

    Next 30 minutes were uneventful -- we saw a quite overweight nude gay couple in 50s or 60s holding hands and walking by and another naked guy with skinny but sagging body wearing a shiny cockring. Did we pick a wrong day and a wrong time? I’m not sure. It was a pretty disappointing experience for me.

    A few years after that, I had an opportunity to visit my second nude beach. This time I was on my business trip to Fort Lauderdale, Florida. From the concierge desk, I heard that there’s a famous nude beach called Haulover beach not far from the hotel. The person whom I talked to told me that I wouldn’t be disappointed. I happened to have an off-day in the middle of my 5 day trip, so I decided to give it a shot.

    I parked my car in a pretty big parking lot across the street. To get to the beach, I had to go through some narrow pathway. When I started walking down the path, I saw another guy walking toward me. He was wearing very skimpy shorts only and when he was passing me I could clearly see the outline of his cock - both the head and the shaft. I was getting excited.

    And when I finally got to the beach, wow, the scene did not disappoint me. A white sandy beach with emerald blue Florida ocean was one thing. But there were hundreds of naked people, men and women, enjoying the sun. My head was spinning. This was indeed the nude beach I was imagining.

    It was a hot day, and I came there rather unprepared. All I packed was a water bottle, some snacks, and a towel from the hotel. I realized that I forgot my sunscreen, so I decided to rent a shade from a rental shop there. One of the guys at the shop was walking with me while carrying a big umbrella.

    “Where do you want me to set it up?”, he asked.

    “Is there a male-only section?”, I looked around and then asked him shyly.

    “This is actually the straight area, and the gay area is the other side. You should rent from another shop there. We only cover this area.”

    “Oh, I’m so sorry. I didn’t know.”

    “No problem, I am a gay guy myself, so I totally understand.” He winked at me. What a nice guy.

    The crowd at the gay area was as big as the straight crowd. Literally hundreds of naked guys around me enjoying themselves. I was so excited. I debated with myself whether or not to get completely naked, but after seeing a bunch of big dicks flopping around, I got self conscious, so I took off my shirt and lay down on my towel with my shorts on.

    I enjoyed every moment of my time there, Initially, it was all those cocks that filled my eyes. Various shapes and colors. Some with piercings. A couple of erections here and there. But after a while, I started seeing how beautiful the beach was -- clear, blue water meeting blue sky dotted with white clouds, sunlight reflecting over the white sand and water. My initial anxiety and excitement was gone and I was getting more and more relaxed.

    Then I noticed that a guy who was like 5 feet from me kept looking at me. He was completely naked, lying down on his stomach, looked to be in late 30s or early 40s, and was wearing sunglasses. I initially ignored his glances, but soon started wondering if he was interested in me. That thought gave me a tingling sensation in my stomach.

    “Where are you from?”, he finally asked me.
    “Midwest, you?”
    “I’m from Toronto.”
    “Oh, I was in Toronto a few years back.”

    We started chit-chatting. He was here for a business trip as well and had been to this beach multiple times. He said this is one of the best beaches he’d been to. I told him about my disappointing experience at Hanlan’s point. He laughed.

    He asked me to watch his stuff while he’s dipping in the water. Then got up and walked to the ocean. He was not a model but had quite a nice body and above average soft cock. When he got out of the water, his cock was shrunk a bit but it was still sizable. I also noticed his face was quite handsome. He thanked me and lay down on his stomach again.

    “How come you don’t take off those shorts?”
    “I’m shy.”
    “Don’t be. No one will judge you.”
    “I will think about it. Maybe later.”
    “Can you put some oil on my back?”
    “Sure.”

    He handed me a bottle of oil and I put it all over his back. I was hoping that he would turn over and ask me to do the front as well, but he didn’t ask that. My silly thought.

    “Are you married?” He must have noticed the ring on my finger.
    “Yes.”
    “To a woman or to a man?”
    “To a woman. How about you?”
    “I’m married to a man.”

    Then out of the blue, “I am hard now.”, he said.

    While I was thinking what to say, he slightly lifted his right hip and showed me his hard cock. It was quite big and thick.

    “Wow. That’s a nice one.”
    “Are you hard, too?”
    “Yeah”
    “Will you show me yours?”

    I hesitated. There were too many eyes around me and I didn’t want to take off my shorts just to reveal my hard cock.

    “I’m sorry, I’m not really comfortable with that.”
    “It’s okay. I just wanted to see your dick.”

    He seemed unfazed by my rejection, though. He wanted to continue our conversation, so we talked about various things for quite some time. And when it was time for me to leave, he decided to leave as well. We packed our stuff and walked together to the parking lot.

    “It was nice talking to you”, I stretched out my hand.
    “Same here. Hey, my hotel is close to here. Do you want to stop by?”, he said while shaking my hand.
    “Umm.. What do you want to do?”
    “Anything you are comfortable with.”

    It was a very tempting offer. And the guy who was offering it was quite attractive. And I had already seen him naked and hard. His body looked good. However, I was newly married and scared about making any moves. I thought I would just watch naked men. I never expected someone would ask me to get intimate with him. So I had to decline his offer,

    “I’m sorry. I have a really early start next morning.”
    “Ugh, I really wanted to get to know you better.”

    He seemed really disappointed this time. He gave me his email address and asked me to contact him if I change my mind. And we parted our ways.

    When I got back to my hotel, I felt really bad. That same old struggle about my sexuality that I suffered from for my entire life was flaring up again. Even after I got married, my body was still craving for men. I wanted to follow him badly, but I just couldn’t do it. I regretted going to the beach that day. And I hated myself.

    The next morning, I learned that I got badly sunburned all over my upper body and my face -- I underestimated Florida sun and thought being under the shade would protect me. I was dead wrong. My coworkers asked me what happened to my face. I just said “I walked around without sunscreen on.”
    Sherwood D. Likelym likes this.
  10. I really wanted to find another opportunity with Jay. On one hand, I was scared of finding myself more and more attracted to a man's body. But at the same time I was so driven by the excitement and pleasure from that night. The image of Jay’s cock dripping cum was etched in my brain for weeks. And I was basically living with the “Fuck it, I’ll see where this is going” mentality. I wanted to see Jay cum again - this time without those stupid tissues blocking. I wanted him to jack me off, too. I wanted us to cum together at the same time. I wanted to experience him more.

    There was one problem, though. It was difficult to find a moment to be alone together. Both of us were busy with coursework and other activities. A bigger problem was to find a private place. I learned that his roommate was pretty much in his room all the time. Moreover, his room was one of the “gathering rooms” where guys gathered and chatted, played cards, smoked, ate, drank, and lingered. Sometimes guys were just hanging out there even without Jay and his roommate in. My room was not that different. Both my roommate and I had quite a few friends and there were frequent visitor traffic. We were older and lying down under the same blanket was not okay anymore.

    Out of desperation, we once got into a bathroom stall, only to be interrupted by other stall users, and gave up the idea quickly even before we got into the real business. I don’t remember if we ever considered renting a room outside the school - but even if we did, it was not really an option. I think there were some “day motels” in those days as well, but two guys in such a place were severely frowned upon back then, and we couldn’t afford to be seen together there. We didn’t have money, either.

    We managed to have one rare chance of privacy after a while. For this one, I don’t remember the whole incident, but only piece by piece. In one scene, both of us were fully naked, he was lying down and I was stroking his cock with one hand and caressing his balls with another. In another scene, he was jerking me off but I got too close too soon so I held his wrist and stopped him. In the last scene, he shot a small amount of cum on his pubic area, but then said, “I don’t think I am done yet”, so I continued to stroke him. After a while, he was grimacing and twitching. My arm was really tired but I was determined to see him cum again. And then it happened. He suddenly shot thick ropes of cum two or three times followed by a few small ones, the first of which hit the headboard of the bed. I remember I was too shocked to say anything, simply watching those wet white lines across his body. He sheepishly boasted, “Have you seen anything like this?”

    I don’t remember if or when I came on that occasion. But one thing was obvious, he had much better stamina than me and he’s a shooter. And the fact that I had a short fuse down there did make me feel a bit inferior to him. I was jealous of his sexual prowess.

    There was another piece of memory with him. I was jacking him off again sitting next to him. He started cumming without any warning and his first couple of squirts hit me in the face directly. That warm goo flowed down on my face while I was desperately searching for some tissues to wipe it out. I was really stunned because I could smell the strong scent of his semen. Somewhat similar to my own smell but different. I didn’t dare to taste it though. I still remember the smell after 30 years. Human memory is amazing.

    Wish I could share more of my experience with Jay. But chemistry between him and me was not like in our high school days anymore. One thing I noticed was his reactiveness. I was the one who always found the time and place and initiated the move. He never visited my room. I had to take time and effort to warm him up and invite him into the action. I started to feel more like I was begging. Sometimes he just refused my proposal, saying that he needed to study or his roommate would be back soon, which made me leave his room with huge disappointment. Maybe I went too far with him? Maybe our “innocent” play was not innocent anymore and it felt more like man-to-man sex to him? Maybe that triggered his fear, the same fear I had been having toward homosexuality? I’m not sure.

    Our interests and friendship circles started to diverge as well. I became more academic and spent a lot of time studying, while he indulged in drinking, smoking and gambling and didn’t really focus on his study. During the rest of our college years, our encounters died down. Our relationship deteriorated. We were back to our freshman year and seldom talked to each other. Was I disappointed? Maybe, but probably not so much. I think I eventually accepted that we grew up to have different interests in life and were not that compatible as friends. Sexually, I had some experiences with a couple of other guys (more stories later), and I think Jay started having sex with girls. We parted our ways like that and moved on.

    I graduated from college and came to the States to continue my study. After a year, I came back home for the break and visited my college for a few days to meet my friends who were still there. From one of my friends, I heard Jay hadn’t graduated yet and was still there too. I thought about Jay and wondered if I should meet him while I was there. Not exactly sure why, but I think I felt like I had some unfinished homework or debt to pay off. I wanted to mend our broken relationship. I just hoped that we would be at least on speaking terms again

    On the last night of my visit, after some hesitation, I headed to his room. And I found him alone in his room. I said hi to him and asked how he had been. To my disappointment, he seemed and sounded aloof. I barely managed to have some meaningless chit-chat with him, but internally I felt like an idiot. I was thinking “This is not going anywhere.” Frustrated, I was going to say bye and leave, when he suddenly said, “You know, I actually slept with a hooker the other day…”. That caught me off guard. He continued, “.., and she gave me a blowjob and I came in her mouth. She then spit it out on some toilet papers.” I was like “Okaaay..? Why is saying this to me?” Then his next words left me totally flabbergasted. “Do you want me to try that on you?”

    To this day, I don’t know what caused him to offer that. For years, I had been wanting him to make moves on me, but not at this magnitude. Next thing I remember, I was kneeling on the floor without my pants on, and Jay was giving me a very earnest blowjob, one hand grabbing the base of my cock and the other hand clutching tissues. It was actually my second time receiving a blowjob, but this was so much better than the first experience. Had he tried it on other guys? I had no idea. But I was in ecstasy with Jay’s mouth around my cock. It was Jay and that made the whole thing so special. I was panting and moaning uncontrollably. I wanted it to last forever, but sadly that inevitable feeling approached me, “Jay, I’m gonna cum soon”. I thought he would pull my dick out of his mouth, but he kept sucking me. “Jay, if you keep doing it, I’m going to cum in your mouth”. He didn't stop. And my whole body trembled and I came in his mouth hard. After my spurts stopped, his mouth let my cock go and he spit my cum mixed with his saliva into the tissues.

    I came back to my senses and thought “Should I suck him too?” I hadn’t sucked anybody until then, and I was not sure if I was ready for that yet. I thought I should offer something to him anyway, so I started touching his crotch. But he said “no, I’m good” curtly. Embarrassed and disappointed, I put my pants back on and left his room.

    Was he just curious about what it felt like? Why did he deny me after that? Was this his way of saying, “I’ve done this much to you. Now leave me alone”? I am not sure. But I did sense at that time that this would be the end of our physical encounters. And that’s exactly what happened. I went back to the States and have been living here since then. Whenever I came back to my home country and met my high school friends, he was not there. I didn’t contact him and he didn’t contact me either. Many years passed like that.

    One day a friend of mine told me that Jay’s father passed away. I initially hesitated but I thought I’d contact him and offer my condolences. So I texted him, “Sorry to hear your loss, Jay. Hope you are coping well. Also, I’m sorry about our past incidents if they made you uncomfortable. Hope you understand.” I didn’t expect to hear from him, but he replied a few days after. “Thanks for your message. Hope you are doing fine.”

    More time had passed since then. A few years back, I had another chance to visit my home country. I contacted some of my high school friends to have dinner together and they invited some other friends as well. When I went to the restaurant, Jay was there. I was so happy to see him again. It had been almost 30 years since we had first met, but it felt like no time passed at all since our high school days. He was married with kids and was working for a mid-sized IT company. He definitely gained some weight and showed some belly, but his mischievous smile was still there. We chatted about many things over beers and liquor. When it was finally time to leave, most of us were rather drunk. Jay told me that he’s going in the same direction as me, so we rode the late night subway together.

    Even though it was late, there were no seats available, so we were standing. I wanted to talk to him more. I wanted to ask what he thought about our time together, if there’s any regret or hard feeling left, and what the blowjob actually meant. However, Jay was dozing off while holding the bar in one hand. And his slouching posture made him look smaller and older. To me, Jay had been remembered with his youthful look and mannerism. That Jay was not there anymore. Instead, I was seeing a middle-aged man, drunk and sleeping in front of me. Seeing my old friend like that, with whom I shared one of the most intimate moments in my life together, and thinking that we are getting older together, made me so emotional. I was on the verge of crying. I just wanted to hug him and cry right there.

    It’s been years since then. I don’t know when I will see Jay again. I wish him well. I hope in his memory I am not a bad person. It would make me a happy man if any memory with me makes him smile. Like those precious moments with him made me smile sometimes.
  11. "Why don't you start a blog and write about yourself?"

    I was dining with a group of friends a couple of years ago, and one of them asked me while we were talking about how to document our lives. I never thought myself as a good writer and brushed off the idea at that time. However, the truth was that I actually had been thinking about it for a while. Well, writing about my private life... or my hidden life, to be more exact.

    I don't know why I was contemplating the idea, though. I have been struggling with my sexuality throughout my life -- outside, I'm a seemingly wholesome straight married guy with a great family. But inside, I'm a tormented soul with unceasing homosexual desire. Far too common a story, right? Then, what could I possibly get by anonymously writing about my sexual life? That won't resolve my issues. So, why should I do that?

    I didn't have the answers back then, and the idea was buried up until recently, until some life-shattering event approached me. That event got me thinking. And for some unknown reason, the idea of blogging my sexual awakenings rekindled. Even though I still don't have the answers to my earlier questions, this time I decided to give it a go.

    I don't know anyone will ever read my stories. Given that English is not my first language, I don't know how fully and thoroughly I can describe nuanced emotions and situations that I experienced here. But I'll just try and see where it goes.
    smoothbodguy likes this.
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