What do you do when your partner is cheating?

[fuckee]

Hi guys

I think there have been similar questions before but as I think that is important for gay men I would like to know your opinion. Opinions differ and my personal impression is that there is a lot of hypocrisy too. I am sure that there are men who have only sex with their partner or don't have sex at all. But many gay men have an big sex drive. Although they have a partner they like to have sex with other men. And I am one of them.

I have been together with my partner for many years now and still very happy with him. He is older than me and a little bit of a daddy figure, which I like very much. It is probably also because I am younger that I need more sex. When I met him I was in the most active and exciting phase of my sex life. It has been become more quiet since then, but I have continued to meet other men. I think that 80 % had partners too.

I think it is completely normal for gay men to be a little bit promiscuous and for me it is hard to imagine that one man can completely satisfy your needs. One of my favourite sexual games is fucking. I very much of a bottom, although I can top too. My partner is not that much into anal sex, which is no problem at all as long as I can meet other men who can fulfil my needs. I also like kinky games like spanking, pissing or other stuff, but for me it works better with a guy that you don't see every day. Moreover I like a variation of men: older and young, blond and dark, bisexual and gay. At the same I have I have noticed that men who are a great sex partners are not always the ones I would like to share my life with.

I know that many guys say that you always should be open about everything, but I have doubts about that. What should it bring when you tell your partner about little sex adventures if it only would make him jealous? For me in a relationship it is other things that are more important: relying on each other and having a good life together. One thing I would never do is flirting with other men, when my partner is present. I don't mind at all if my partner would have sex with other men too. He did in the beginning of my relationship. He didn't tell my about it, but it was not easy to guess and strangely enough it turned me on. However, in the meantime my sex drive is simply much bigger.

I am curious to hear your point of view!

 

[nixco]

I have a very simple rule about this. If someone is having sex outside the relationship, the partner needs to know about it. Then, they can make a choice as to whether or not they want to be in an open relationship. To deny the partner that choice is immoral and cowardly, in my opinion. In short, yes, I do think that "you always should be open about everything".

 

[Evenflow618]

You got to end it unless you want it open but even then the relationship is done

 

[lapdog2001]

Hi guys

I think there have been similar questions before but as I think that is important for gay men I would like to know your opinion. Opinions differ and my personal impression is that there is a lot of hypocrisy too. I am sure that there are men who have only sex with their partner or don't have sex at all. But many gay men have an big sex drive. Although they have a partner they like to have sex with other men. And I am one of them.

I am curious to hear your point of view!

Since this forum is open to all, men, women, gay, straight bi or whatever, you are probably better off asking in in the Ask A Gay Man section if all you want is feedback from Gay men.

 

[Kudo]

There is only one thing to do: leave. My late grandmother taught me that once a cheater, always a cheater. Cheating and lying are intertwined, making it impossible for me to trust this person.

 

[thatguy142]

I leave. I am old school when it comes to relationships. I believe it should be between the 2 individuals only. Anything other than that it really isn't much of a relationship. I personally don't think open relationships can work. Everyone just thinks everyone is being transparent about what they are doing but i would be willing to bet they hide a fling here and there. Without trust there is nothing.

 

[dreamer20]

*Please note I don't refer to such behavior as "cheating", but secret sex.​

"You discover that your partner is having sex with other guys behind your back. What do you do?"​

^^My actual choice, not listed, would be: "I'd give them my blessing and say I'm going to do the same." If they couldn't cope with that circumstance, they could go their own way.

 

[FrankTO]

I always thought of myself as monogamous, but then one day I traveled to the US, "fooled around and fell in love" like the song says, came back and separated from my husband. Immigration is a long and drawn out affair, so my new love and I had a long distance relationship for several years; he lived six and a half hours away and I would drive down there a couple times a month, and stay there for a week or two. Once, I got there and we started having sex, and he had a large rash all over the crotch area; I never slept around but I'm not an idiot, it was obviously a beard rash. I knew his colourful sex history and decided I didn't care. Once you have enough self-confidence to think, I'm sharing my life with this guy but I'm not dependent on him, then it frees you. We've been together for 18 years now, he left his country and became a Canadian citizen for me. That's love.

 

[WhiteG0DeadeR]

You gotta understand people as individuals. We all have our own personalized needs and wants. I think if a dude wants a legit relationship but they also wanna have fun on the side. I say Live and Let Live. To really love a person unconditionally, you gotta know them fully and you either gotta respect them and how they want to live or just hit the bricks. As long as they are safe and respectful toward me equally then I do not see an issue. Dudes really just want food, a joint a beer, a nice massage and to shoot their load and to sleep peacefully.

 

[chrisrobin]

Its the being able to prove it that's the problem, particularly if they won't admit to being unfaithful. As they say the other half is always the last to know - but they can be suspicious.
I "didn't know" but I suspected because every time he was late in there was always some reason to blame me for something - the reverse guilt bit - punishing me for his sex trip.
And always I'd let him have the benefit of the doubt.
However, when he started to leave for work even earlier, put on aftershave, well then I did wonder. As hs working away got more often then I knew so when he announced that "things weren't working out between us - after 11 years - I was ready. It wasn't till a couple of weeks after we'd moved apart he admitted there was another person, up till then he'd always denied it.

 

[WilliamG]

Just viewing the few results so far...

Interesting trend. To have "Leave him immediately" and "Tell him to be open with me" at equal scores. I think the numbers would be vastly different if asked of straight folks. But perhaps men being on both sides of the equation skews things a bit?

 

[londonredhead]

Cock is just cock. It’s not love. Men are men. Quicker we accept that the better I say.

 

[elklindoxxx]

Hi guys

I think there have been similar questions before but as I think that is important for gay men I would like to know your opinion. Opinions differ and my personal impression is that there is a lot of hypocrisy too. I am sure that there are men who have only sex with their partner or don't have sex at all. But many gay men have an big sex drive. Although they have a partner they like to have sex with other men. And I am one of them.

I have been together with my partner for many years now and still very happy with him. He is older than me and a little bit of a daddy figure, which I like very much. It is probably also because I am younger that I need more sex. When I met him I was in the most active and exciting phase of my sex life. It has been become more quiet since then, but I have continued to meet other men. I think that 80 % had partners too.

I think it is completely normal for gay men to be a little bit promiscuous and for me it is hard to imagine that one man can completely satisfy your needs. One of my favourite sexual games is fucking. I very much of a bottom, although I can top too. My partner is not that much into anal sex, which is no problem at all as long as I can meet other men who can fulfil my needs. I also like kinky games like spanking, pissing or other stuff, but for me it works better with a guy that you don't see every day. Moreover I like a variation of men: older and young, blond and dark, bisexual and gay. At the same I have I have noticed that men who are a great sex partners are not always the ones I would like to share my life with.

I know that many guys say that you always should be open about everything, but I have doubts about that. What should it bring when you tell your partner about little sex adventures if it only would make him jealous? For me in a relationship it is other things that are more important: relying on each other and having a good life together. One thing I would never do is flirting with other men, when my partner is present. I don't mind at all if my partner would have sex with other men too. He did in the beginning of my relationship. He didn't tell my about it, but it was not easy to guess and strangely enough it turned me on. However, in the meantime my sex drive is simply much bigger.

I am curious to hear your point of view!

Consider seeing a therapist who can help you think through the options that you have. I'm not sure if anybody here can help out....

 

[FrankieGuile]

It's interesting that 58.7% of the respondents (out of the first 63) in homosexual relationships have little or no problem with cheating, either on the rather accommodating conditions of "he has to open with me when he is having sex with others," or "Nothing! I think it is completely normal..." Men will be men, no matter their sexual orientation, and it is no wonder that women suspect their intentions and question their loyalty.

 

[Infernal]

Monogamy is a choice, but so is infidelity. Having an open relationship is something entirely different. Either way, it deserves honest conversations.

 

[aheidla]

I think the numbers would be vastly different if asked of straight folks. But perhaps men being on both sides of the equation skews things a bit?

Ask this question of straight men and they break into a cold sweat as visions of a depleting bank account and episodes of Paternity Court invade their psyche. That'd be one hell of a skew disparity. Trust.

Their worst fear is spending the bulk of their lives working themselves half to death to provide for children that turn out to not even be theirs. As it should be. That's terrible.

 

[Sagittarius84]

Just viewing the few results so far...

Interesting trend. To have "Leave him immediately" and "Tell him to be open with me" at equal scores. I think the numbers would be vastly different if asked of straight folks. But perhaps men being on both sides of the equation skews things a bit?

100% agree..men being on both sides of the relationship equation eliminates a lot of the primary concerns(biological, socioeconomic )that straight men have when it comes to their female partner's infidelity, but it's probably fairly aligned with how a lot a straight men project how women should deal with mens infidelity.

 

[Sagittarius84]

Men will be men, no matter their sexual orientation, and it is no wonder that women suspect their intentions and question their loyalty.

Well, it's somewhat nonsensical to primarily positively incentivize a certain demographic of men with mating and dating access, only to question and suspect them later. The high statistical probability of "men being men" is an inevitable consequence of acting on hypergamous attraction.

 

[aheidla]

The high statistical probability of "men being men" is an inevitable consequence of acting on hypergamous attraction.

This makes no sense. This thread clearly demonstrates that a man's status nor sexual orientation stops him from cheating. Straight men just lack opportunity because most women are more picky. And no, it's not mainly about resource acquirement. There are bigger sexual consequences for females such as pregnancy, harsher outcomes from STDs and STIs, the orgasm gap, which lowers the incentive to even bother with most men in the first place, etc...

Men have no such burdens. Therefore, when it's two men, the inevitable consequence is the almost guaranteed likelihood of one of them being cheated on.

 

[Sagittarius84]

This makes no sense. This thread clearly demonstrates that a man's status nor sexual orientation stops him from cheating.

Cheating for men is a function of opportunity. Granted nothing will ever stop any man when cheating is offered as an opportunity, but we can definitely estimate that cheating amongst men is far more likely amongst those that are offered said opportunities than those whom are not.
I've never offered a prescription for a man that doesn't cheat, I'm just playing to probabilities and common sense, no different than a man can get left by the girl next door or the IG model for the baller, but common sense dictates it's much more likely to happen from the IG model.