I'm Only Interested in Straight Men, Help

[gan596]

I've recently started to realize that the only men who make my heart beat, the only men who make me feel seen and heard, are straight men.

Gay men want to fuck. I get it. We're all horny. But anymore, I can't stand getting on grindr and dealing with the bad attitudes, the expectations, and the disappointment. I hate getting on tinder or hinge, trying to talk to people and connect, and inevitably realizing that these men just don't do it for me I can't stand people being so desperate to fuck that there's no other possibility of connection.

I'm volunteering in Mexico right now, and have been since Feb 16th. In that time I've met two straight men, both shockingly beautiful outside *as well as within,* and both experiences left me feeling hollow in our community. The current guy is also a volunteer here, and what's worse is there's a vibe. And it's really, really hard to ignore. He wants to travel to the same places, he believes the same things, and he views the world similarly yet different enough from me to be absolutely fascinating to listen to when he speaks. And the problem is, I don't ever get this from other gay men..

I don't want gay men. I don't want to bother. I don't want to denigrate and degrade myself anymore for 20-45 minutes of shallow connections that will never go anywhere. And yet, thats seemingly exactly what I'm chasing. As much as I don't want to be in this place, as much as I don't want to want this man, as much as I WANT to just exist in peace and be friends with him, all I can think about when I see him is how me makes my heart beat out of my chest. He appears from his room and I smile without meaning to. I mean...I feel like I'm in high school again at 30 years old.

Guys...what do I do? How do I stop this? How do I make this go away? Like, I really need some advice here. How can I stop feeling this way? How am I supposed to meet my needs when my needs are not in alignment with 95% of the "community" that is only after dick? What are we supposed to do when the only men who can give us the connection we're seeking from partners, are men who can never and will never be our partners?

 

[theplayerking]

I've recently started to realize that the only men who make my heart beat, the only men who make me feel seen and heard, are straight men.

Gay men want to fuck. I get it. We're all horny. But anymore, I can't stand getting on grindr and dealing with the bad attitudes, the expectations, and the disappointment. I hate getting on tinder or hinge, trying to talk to people and connect, and inevitably realizing that these men just don't do it for me I can't stand people being so desperate to fuck that there's no other possibility of connection.

I'm volunteering in Mexico right now, and have been since Feb 16th. In that time I've met two straight men, both shockingly beautiful outside *as well as within,* and both experiences left me feeling hollow in our community. The current guy is also a volunteer here, and what's worse is there's a vibe. And it's really, really hard to ignore. He wants to travel to the same places, he believes the same things, and he views the world similarly yet different enough from me to be absolutely fascinating to listen to when he speaks. And the problem is, I don't ever get this from other gay men..

I don't want gay men. I don't want to bother. I don't want to denigrate and degrade myself anymore for 20-45 minutes of shallow connections that will never go anywhere. And yet, thats seemingly exactly what I'm chasing. As much as I don't want to be in this place, as much as I don't want to want this man, as much as I WANT to just exist in peace and be friends with him, all I can think about when I see him is how me makes my heart beat out of my chest. He appears from his room and I smile without meaning to. I mean...I feel like I'm in high school again at 30 years old.

Guys...what do I do? How do I stop this? How do I make this go away? Like, I really need some advice here. How can I stop feeling this way? How am I supposed to meet my needs when my needs are not in alignment with 95% of the "community" that is only after dick? What are we supposed to do when the only men who can give us the connection we're seeking from partners, are men who can never and will never be our partners?

It sounds like you’re meeting gay men on the apps and straight men in real life. It’s probably the apps that are the issue, not the sexuality of the guys.

 

[Randomized]

It sounds like you’re meeting gay men on the apps and straight men in real life. It’s probably the apps that are the issue, not the sexuality of the guys.

Im echoing this sentiment. Have you tried going to gay focused social events events (non sexual) or activities that are popular with gays like musicals, concerts, art or fashion shows? Or volunteering at gay focused charities/non profits? LGBTQ centers?

These are the places that have a higher concentration of gays, yet aren't sex focused so you can meet other gay men without them immediately thinking of a sexual encounter.

 

[38long]

It sounds like you’re meeting gay men on the apps and straight men in real life. It’s probably the apps that are the issue, not the sexuality of the guys.

Yeah, that.

My gay friends often tell me that they love me because I treat them like humans, and that their communities are often so dipped into obscenities, memes, politics, they cannot quite have any conversation or get to feel like being part of those communities anymore because it simply feel like a husk of what they were or should stand for.

But this hollow feeling is not really tied to sexuality of the subjects per se. I have another very close friend who used to be the most active lover among us, would have sex with 2 or 3 women daily, record and everything. Really ego-centered guy. Years later, he told me that about this hollowness, that he would find a gal to have some fun, but the feeling for more started to creep in. And I told him, that as an observer, my perception was that he had started to realize he needed something fundamental, truer, not just casual sex. He often thanks me for my point of view, and now he's found a very nice woman by his side and they're planning their future together. It's very nice to watch it blooming that way.

Guys...what do I do? How do I stop this? How do I make this go away? Like, I really need some advice here. How can I stop feeling this way? How am I supposed to meet my needs when my needs are not in alignment with 95% of the "community" that is only after dick? What are we supposed to do when the only men who can give us the connection we're seeking from partners, are men who can never and will never be our partners?

As the post above pointed out some suggestions, and would add that I think there's also no problem having straight men as close friends, even confidants. Don't thrown away a man's friendship if it's valuable to you.

 

[HemmingwayI]

Im echoing this sentiment. Have you tried going to gay focused social events events (non sexual) or activities that are popular with gays like musicals, concerts, art or fashion shows? Or volunteering at gay focused charities/non profits? LGBTQ centers?

These are the places that have a higher concentration of gays, yet aren't sex focused so you can meet other gay men without them immediately thinking of a sexual encounter.

That is very well expressed.

 

[Bojangles78]

I've recently started to realize that the only men who make my heart beat, the only men who make me feel seen and heard, are straight men.

Gay men want to fuck. I get it. We're all horny. But anymore, I can't stand getting on grindr and dealing with the bad attitudes, the expectations, and the disappointment. I hate getting on tinder or hinge, trying to talk to people and connect, and inevitably realizing that these men just don't do it for me I can't stand people being so desperate to fuck that there's no other possibility of connection.

I'm volunteering in Mexico right now, and have been since Feb 16th. In that time I've met two straight men, both shockingly beautiful outside *as well as within,* and both experiences left me feeling hollow in our community. The current guy is also a volunteer here, and what's worse is there's a vibe. And it's really, really hard to ignore. He wants to travel to the same places, he believes the same things, and he views the world similarly yet different enough from me to be absolutely fascinating to listen to when he speaks. And the problem is, I don't ever get this from other gay men..

I don't want gay men. I don't want to bother. I don't want to denigrate and degrade myself anymore for 20-45 minutes of shallow connections that will never go anywhere. And yet, thats seemingly exactly what I'm chasing. As much as I don't want to be in this place, as much as I don't want to want this man, as much as I WANT to just exist in peace and be friends with him, all I can think about when I see him is how me makes my heart beat out of my chest. He appears from his room and I smile without meaning to. I mean...I feel like I'm in high school again at 30 years old.

Guys...what do I do? How do I stop this? How do I make this go away? Like, I really need some advice here. How can I stop feeling this way? How am I supposed to meet my needs when my needs are not in alignment with 95% of the "community" that is only after dick? What are we supposed to do when the only men who can give us the connection we're seeking from partners, are men who can never and will never be our partners?

honestly you are fucked..... you might as well accept the outcome of the world you live in, you can no more change the gay community than you can move mount Everest. I had a friend with Cerebral Palsy who hated that he couldn't find a woman who he was compatible with that would accept his situation. He was always attracted to the women who wouldn't find him attractive or dateable because of his condition and oddly I felt I was in the same situation with being gay and attracted to so many straight men. Gay men that do it for us are just super rare and hard to find, and if you do find them they live in another state or country and long distance just doesn't work out. My only advice is from my own coping mechanism which is I became a Buddhist, and it really did help me cope with the overcoming wanting something you can't have.

 

[Yoy]

trying spiritually is a good advice to deal with obsessions, meditation is a good tool, enjoy what you got around, and also there is a saying that straight men have more gay sex than gays if gay means something concrete. Maybe you are not gay and just homosexual which means that you simply not a typical gay, you just like men, I think people don't need to know you are gay, try talking with both boys and girls, boys will help you be a good partner so you are in touch on what most men expect and girls will help you with your feminine side and let you meet more people. I have been more myself than a 'gay' which mean that I totally accept my homosexuality but I don't fit in stereotypes but also don't need to be considered non binary, just a human being with its own obsessions and that let me have unique experiences though very hurting if may say so.

 

[jhunter88]

I'd like to say I have the answer to this question, but sadly don't. I do think the idea of looking in areas outside the conventional apps is a start as the people you are going to find there are the exact people you aren't looking for. My lifetime curse too has been I'm always making real connections with people but just never ones that would be any possibility for something deeper than just a friendship.

Sadly the culture is what it is and the result is that the people that tend to be most out front are the ones that most fit the culture. Don't get me wrong, I'd like the physical side of something, but if that's all it is, it ends up being empty and meaningless.

 

[nygayguy1]

I've recently started to realize that the only men who make my heart beat, the only men who make me feel seen and heard, are straight men.

Gay men want to fuck. I get it. We're all horny. But anymore, I can't stand getting on grindr and dealing with the bad attitudes, the expectations, and the disappointment. I hate getting on tinder or hinge, trying to talk to people and connect, and inevitably realizing that these men just don't do it for me I can't stand people being so desperate to fuck that there's no other possibility of connection.

I'm volunteering in Mexico right now, and have been since Feb 16th. In that time I've met two straight men, both shockingly beautiful outside *as well as within,* and both experiences left me feeling hollow in our community. The current guy is also a volunteer here, and what's worse is there's a vibe. And it's really, really hard to ignore. He wants to travel to the same places, he believes the same things, and he views the world similarly yet different enough from me to be absolutely fascinating to listen to when he speaks. And the problem is, I don't ever get this from other gay men..

I don't want gay men. I don't want to bother. I don't want to denigrate and degrade myself anymore for 20-45 minutes of shallow connections that will never go anywhere. And yet, thats seemingly exactly what I'm chasing. As much as I don't want to be in this place, as much as I don't want to want this man, as much as I WANT to just exist in peace and be friends with him, all I can think about when I see him is how me makes my heart beat out of my chest. He appears from his room and I smile without meaning to. I mean...I feel like I'm in high school again at 30 years old.

Guys...what do I do? How do I stop this? How do I make this go away? Like, I really need some advice here. How can I stop feeling this way? How am I supposed to meet my needs when my needs are not in alignment with 95% of the "community" that is only after dick? What are we supposed to do when the only men who can give us the connection we're seeking from partners, are men who can never and will never be our partners?

As others have noted, meet gay men in more social situations rather than hookup apps. Maybe volunteer at an LGBT Center or go to events designed to find gay friends. The man I wound up marrying is a big, handsome guy I met in a setting that was specifically for finding friends, not sex. We got around to the sex, but it was friendship first.

And if it's behaviors that attract you--other than sexual aggression, as you saw from the apps--maybe adjust the kind of gay men you're connecting with. Perhaps go be a supporter of the nearest gay rugby team. As someone with lots of experience in gay rugby culture, I'll admit there are very stereotypical gay guys who play, but we also have some very masculine guys on the team, too. Perhaps that would be a better match for you?

 

[alweyland]

I think a lot of guys like me and you who struggle with being attracted to straight men are not always completely "out" or comfortable with their own sexual identities. It took me a LONG time before I started being really attracted to gay guys. Remember there are lots of different kinds of gay guys. People on apps tend to be at their most-base selves, horny and kinda desperate. This is not us at our best. As others have said, seek out gay men in social situations.

 

[rainrise]

there are lots of different kinds of gay guys

Yes.

 

[rawrrowierawr]

How do you even know they're straight?

 

[Jake1973]

I am glad this doesn't seem to be about mannerisms or at least you didn't say that.

I can relate to a lot of what you said. I started going to bars young and really felt like a fish out of water for 20 years. The music, the entertainment , the cattiness, and the predatory behavior didn't do anything for me, and it was mutual... when I talked about the stuff that interested me, I would get weird looks because it wasn't the stuff gay man are "supposed to" like.

I ended up meeting my SO in a non-gay situation and that was about the last time I set foot in a gay bar other than the occasional strip show, my one weakness that can't be indulged anywhere else. My advice would be to keep doing what you're doing, volunteering is wonderful, and you are most attractive when you are doing the things you love. Don't be like me and try to be a square peg for 20 years. People are a lot more open now and if you feel safe having your orientation out there, people make introductions.

 

[Koko17]

I've recently started to realize that the only men who make my heart beat, the only men who make me feel seen and heard, are straight men.

Gay men want to fuck. I get it. We're all horny. But anymore, I can't stand getting on grindr and dealing with the bad attitudes, the expectations, and the disappointment. I hate getting on tinder or hinge, trying to talk to people and connect, and inevitably realizing that these men just don't do it for me I can't stand people being so desperate to fuck that there's no other possibility of connection.

I'm volunteering in Mexico right now, and have been since Feb 16th. In that time I've met two straight men, both shockingly beautiful outside *as well as within,* and both experiences left me feeling hollow in our community. The current guy is also a volunteer here, and what's worse is there's a vibe. And it's really, really hard to ignore. He wants to travel to the same places, he believes the same things, and he views the world similarly yet different enough from me to be absolutely fascinating to listen to when he speaks. And the problem is, I don't ever get this from other gay men..

I don't want gay men. I don't want to bother. I don't want to denigrate and degrade myself anymore for 20-45 minutes of shallow connections that will never go anywhere. And yet, thats seemingly exactly what I'm chasing. As much as I don't want to be in this place, as much as I don't want to want this man, as much as I WANT to just exist in peace and be friends with him, all I can think about when I see him is how me makes my heart beat out of my chest. He appears from his room and I smile without meaning to. I mean...I feel like I'm in high school again at 30 years old.

Guys...what do I do? How do I stop this? How do I make this go away? Like, I really need some advice here. How can I stop feeling this way? How am I supposed to meet my needs when my needs are not in alignment with 95% of the "community" that is only after dick? What are we supposed to do when the only men who can give us the connection we're seeking from partners, are men who can never and will never be our partners?

That is also my curse, I'm attracted to straight men or straight friends (I have a few of gay friends) and don't know why, I even tried to date with gay men but had no interest, they are just good friends, btw I'm also from México

 

[ariesgeorge]

How do you know he's completely straight? Is he aware of your sexuality? Has he shown any signs of being interested in you?

 

[nixco]

It sounds like you’re meeting gay men on the apps and straight men in real life. It’s probably the apps that are the issue, not the sexuality of the guys.

This. Also an element of internalised homophobia?

 

[Bojangles78]

This. Also an element of internalised homophobia?

phobias are irrational fears, I doubt he is scared of homosexuals, he is just attracted to the qualities of straight men that most gay guys don't possess.

 

[PrintsA]

You can be gay and be nothing like the guys you are experiencing on the apps. You have a very narrow view if you believe that's 95% of the community. I know a bunch of guys not on apps. I can get the part about having a connection with straight guys. But you concurrently put down the gay community based on your experience. The truth of the matter is we are all capable of forming non sexual connections with anyone. You go on the apps which are geared toward sex because that is what you want and it's available. And that is what the other guys are there for. If they weren't, it wouldn't be their go-to to meet gay men.

 

[PrintsA]

phobias are irrational fears, I doubt he is scared of homosexuals, he is just attracted to the qualities of straight men that most gay guys don't posses

"Qualities MOST gay guys don't possess"... it's sad the limited view you guys have. You all seem to be working in stereotypes

 

[Boaxy]

I think a lot of guys like me and you who struggle with being attracted to straight men are not always completely "out" or comfortable with their own sexual identities. It took me a LONG time before I started being really attracted to gay guys. Remember there are lots of different kinds of gay guys. People on apps tend to be at their most-base selves, horny and kinda desperate. This is not us at our best. As others have said, seek out gay men in social situations.

NOT FUCKING TRUE.

I'm a very flaming, homosexual, Black gay man in my 30s. I'm very happy being Gay, and I support gay rights. I'm also a published author of many LGBTQ drama/action stories and my protagonists are all Gay/Bisexual men, and I can DM/send you ebooks/audiobooks (I had a friend who's a voice actor narrate my stories) for free if you like.

But I'm very attracted to rugged, rough looking men. and I hate being single and hate being Gay, and the only true response is finding an overpass, and hope in my next life I'm Taylor Swift (a straight Blonde white girl guys fawn over etc.) I'm sorry I'm tired of this Disney "It's going to fine act". Yes I'm gonna be proud and live my life, but I think it's unfair I have to be patient, and wait for this train that's never coming. Smh.

Then the Gay/Bisexual men who are available, are taken or aren't attracted to Black men, or live in a foreign country. Fuck.

So that's total corn field bullshit. Wow.