Advice on discussing chemistry/compatibility with an escort

[Onetaoboy]

Please avoid snark in any response, thanks.

I am exploring my bi side and freeing up how my body makes and takes pleasure. I'm in my 70's, chubby with some post-weight loss loose skin. Good guy, but not worth looking at or considering in the eyes of much of the scene.

I've had not very good experience with the few escorts I've hired [on the DL], feeling like I'm not sure what I'm doing and their responsiveness is hard for me to read. [not talking about hard-ons]. I've done my best to let people know who I am and what I want from an escort before meeting. I've never cum with a man. Slept with a number of women before marriage, in my younger days.

I know I'm definitely not a sub [a vigorous, handsome, and muscled Brazilian top taught me that. I took what he had to give just to please him--long story, no regrets]. I want to explore anal pleasure, and well as topping younger men. But--after a long period of struggling with barriers from long-term parental mistreatment--I am moving forward.

Had a first session yesterday with a very gentle fella, pretty verse from what I can tell, who has a great 30 year old gym-shaped body. I helped him cum, petted and squeezed and licked and held him. Very sweet. And....I think he and I could do a regular thing every few weeks. We talked about him helping me explore stuff. He's affectionate and loves connection, like me.

BUT, I don't think he really wanted to kiss me much at all. He didn't touch my penis. I can ask him softly about these things, as I have a session scheduled next week. I didn't sense any distaste for me from him, or reluctance to hold or be held. If his responses about kissing and dick touch tell me that whatever body I bring is a stretch for him to get past [and I don't think he would ever say so directly], then I don't want to continue past that session. I'm susceptible to subtle social and nonverbal cues and that makes letting go very tricky for me. I know it's my issue to resolve.

My specific advice request: what's the best way to talk about this delicate issue with this younger man? I'm not afraid of getting hurt by what his tastes or preferences are. And I will keep looking for help in my exploration, although it's not easy to find a compatible and fairly kind person. If I could go back and undo my need for a protective fat blanket in earlier days, that's what I'd be doing.

This is a real issue for me and I appreciate any advice, heartfelt preferred. Thanks.

 

[WilliamG]

Well, he is an escort so... There is somewhat of a business side to this. Yes, he surely has preferences, but I'm also sure he's trying to please his clients. I would think kissing and other intimate contact is not his thing to begin with.

Do you prefer younger men? I mean a LOT of us older guys like them younger. But there's a reality to us... We are older. And while some young men gravitate to older men... I would think many prefer their age group. So it may be an uphill battle. Have you considered maybe finding an area where there's cruising? This is how a lot of us older guys exploring their sexuality find others. No, you may not find Mr Right... But maybe Mr Right Now is a good start?

 

[Onetaoboy]

Thanks for your reply. I don't think I mostly prefer younger men. Escort choices are limited in my market, and the one I'm talking about has an on-line vibe that worked well enough for me to consider hiring him. I don't think I'm trying to relive a sexually free life that I closed myself off to when younger. I'm wanting to see what works for me now. I haven't tried cruising, and don't think I will--never something for me, seems a bit too rapidly transactional for me. Happy it works for those who do love the scene.

I'm not looking for Mr. Right. I think I want a good enough, manly and gentle sex guide and lover. It's the lover part that I think depends too much on chemistry that one doesn't 'control'.

Posing the question as I did was deliberate: I want advice on how to talk about chemistry/compatibility and see if some of that grows over time. But just not sure with this guy.

 

[theplayerking]

I find it’s best to be upfront about who you are what you want to do. Escorts are not robots and have personal affinities, even while working.

 

[Onetaoboy]

Thanks for taking the time to reply to me. I feel that I am quite aware that this fella has affinities. And we talked about what he thought would be possible between us. And his body language was fine. His profile promises the BF plus kissing.....and, in addition to our cuddling and my petting and servicing, he had multiple opportunities to kiss me fully [I didn't passively wait to see], touch my dick, etc. How long should I wait for his 'affinities' to align with my desire for the full rental experience?

Thanks for considering this question. It's paramount for me now.

 

[Onetaoboy]

I'm not quite clear on what basis responders assume that I don't sense that escorts are full people with their own sensibilities. That would NOT be my issue.

 

[theplayerking]

Thanks for taking the time to reply to me. I feel that I am quite aware that this fella has affinities. And we talked about what he thought would be possible between us. And his body language was fine. His profile promises the BF plus kissing.....and, in addition to our cuddling and my petting and servicing, he had multiple opportunities to kiss me fully [I didn't passively wait to see], touch my dick, etc. How long should I wait for his 'affinities' to align with my desire for the full rental experience?

Thanks for considering this question. It's paramount for me now.

If I had to speculate based on limited information but some experience with escorts, I would say this particular escort is never going to make out with you. If that’s what you’re looking for, it’s best to move on.

 

[rockmusl1]

I watched a friend (who had been an escort himself) negotiate with an escort he was engaging over the phone.
It was instructive.
He was direct, as in “In order for this to work for me, I need this, this and this. Can you provide that?”
His requests weren’t only about activities, they were also about the tone of the encounter. He didn’t need the boyfriend experience, but he did need the escort to be turned on or at least able to act turned on.
Ask for what you want up front. You are engaging a professional, presumably paying a hefty fee and you deserve to have a good experience.
Some escorts don’t kiss, for instance, because that’s something they save for their partners. They should tell you that going in, then you can decide if that’s a deal-breaker for you.
You are the client. You are paying for a service. You deserve to have your needs met.

 

[Onetaoboy]

I watched a friend (who had been an escort himself) negotiate with an escort he was engaging over the phone.
It was instructive.
He was direct, as in “In order for this to work for me, I need this, this and this. Can you provide that?”
His requests weren’t only about activities, they were also about the tone of the encounter. He didn’t need the boyfriend experience, but he did need the escort to be turned on or at least able to act turned on.
Ask for what you want up front. You are engaging a professional, presumably paying a hefty fee and you deserve to have a good experience.
Some escorts don’t kiss, for instance, because that’s something they save for their partners. They should tell you that going in, then you can decide if that’s a deal-breaker for you.
You are the client. You are paying for a service. You deserve to have your needs met.

Thank you so much for taking the time to recount this story. After much agonizing [maybe that's my thing?] I am sure that I deserve to have my needs met. If anything, after years and years of body shaming, much self-imposed, I am A] game for action, and B] extremely sensitive to what someone is inhibiting or withholding. I completely grok that people have their deep affinities and tastes and am careful enough to take my time deciding if I'm able to get what I feel I want. All that happens inside me. In most areas of my life, I am quite direct and clear in my communication. But I am a 74 year old bisexual novice with men. Now what I think I need is a settled understanding that, in a negotiation with an escort, if what I want--to feel safe, seen, and reasonably 'wanted' as a lover--seems not possible or likely, it's simply a matter of moving on. It is extremely difficult for me to be casual about this, at least at this stage. Thanks again for your consideration.

 

[bigbigdhunter]

In my experience some escorts will agree with what you want and say that’s what’s they like etc and it’s not always true. Kissing is a good example. See if you can find reviews or even contact a reviewer directly to ask. It can be just trial and test. There are some really amazing ones and some more selfish or one dimensional ones