Advice on juggling a gay relationship and living with 'anti-gay' parents

[Aracus]

http://www.ct.gov/shp/lib/shp/pdf/Read_This_Before_coming_out_to_your_parents.pdf

 

[yikes]

Yeh shoot one through

LoL , that has double entrede (sp?) all over it.

 

[AussieJackson]

There's a saying that says your sins will find you out if you love with your parents that will find out, one day you'll be eagerly to tell them if they ask a bunch of questions.

One day, I hope, I'll be able to tell them, but I suppose we'll see what happens.

Heya, how's it going in the land down under where nightmares are born? Lol

Anyways, you sir are in quite a pickle and I am here to offer you advice.

- For your well being, stay in the closet a little bit longer. As much as you may want to just be yourself to them, don't. You need to have a place of your own before coming out to your parents. When it comes to religious families raised on traditional values, you never know how they will react. I want to ensure that your safety comes first in case the worse happens. As much as I want to be optimistic for you, I rather not give you false hope but rather be a realist if it means protecting you from any possible harm. Having a place of your own will give you a safety net in case your parents kick you out. You won't have to be scared and wander around trying to figure out a housing situation. You wouldn't need to worry about food, clothes or shelter. You also wouldn't want to be sleeping in a household that makes you feel unsafe, unwanted or unloved. For you and your mental health, please find an alternative living situation before coming out to your parents.

- How long have you and your partner been officially together? I am only asking because people have mentioned that you both should buy a house together. I say no to that notion. I suggest that one person buys while the other person rents from them. This would make it easier on you both in case you two weren't meant to be. Having one person buy the house, they will be financed at their debt to income ratio to ensure they are able to afford the house by themselves. You both won't feel tied down if, and that's a big IF, if you two don't work out and then feeling trapped because of a mutual investment in a house together. But in the end, you know yourself and your partner best. Don't let me persuade you otherwise if you know it would be a good thing together.

- As you are trying to figure out what the best course of action is, just communicate with your partner. Tell them that you plan to move forward with them towards a future together but first you just need a little more time. Your living situation currently isn't ideal to inform your parents about your sexual orientation when they uphold such a strong belief towards biggotry. Btw, you stated "I respect their views and they are entitled to them, regardless if I disagree with them". Please don't.... That's just making excuses for them to look down upon anyone that's different. Anyone that doesn't follow their beliefs, or their cherry picked verses from the bible that's meant to single others out. Religion is meant to accept others for our differences, not to hate them because of it. But for some reason, it's just being used as weapons against anyone and everyone who doesn't follow their path.

- I hope your parents automatically choose you over what some book says about you. I hope that you and your family can connect better than before, without the lies and you being able to be your true self. But, blood doesn't necessarily make a family. Family are those that love one another. That will be there in a heartbeat for each other when in need. That will love each other unconditionally. Many people in your shoes learned that the hard way. Why love someone who won't love you back? Regardless of what happens, just know this. You have done absolutely nothing wrong by just being yourself. You shouldn't have had to hide who you are to begin with. Once you are able to tell your family, you will finally be able to breathe. You will be scared shitless just as you burst out of the closet but that weight will be lifted soon after. It's up to them if they want to keep their son in their lives. If they don't treat you right, they don't deserve you. You deserve to be happy and if you aren't happy, something needs to change, otherwise if it doesn't, years can go by without you realizing it. That's a sad truth.

Alrighty, I tried my best to proof read but I just gotten done with an overnight shift and was dozing in and out of this response to you lol. Almost fell asleep 5 times typing as I apparently held down onto keys for far too long as my eyes were shut resulting in a jumble mess lol. Also, welcome to lpsg! I can finally sleep! Yay! Lol

Hey! We're coping here, barely, but we're still coping lol.

I tend to agree and a few people have said that here and in DMs. Believe me, I'm working six, sometimes seven days to save for a place, but apprentice plumber wages are crap - though not for much longer - and house prices keep going up here. I love my partner more than anything, but we're both young and realistic, so buying a house together might seem good now, but who knows how much longer we might be together. Don't get me wrong, I'd marry him tomorrow, but we are also realistic. As strict and as strong willed as my parents are, I would hope their love - if any - for me would keep them from kicking me out. I can't see it happening, but it's nothing something I want to risk. But yes, you are right, living in a house with that 'cloud' hanging over everyone would be very uncomfortable.

We've been together, seriously, for the best part of a year. I share the same thoughts as you. As I said, we're realistic, and if it isn't meant to be and we split, it will be an unnecessary burden. I had never thought of doing that, but, if I bought the house, I haven't got it in me to charge him rent, but I like the idea.

I've considered speaking to him about this, but I don't want to dump all my burdens on his shoulders. Yes, couples should be open and share their issues, but he has enough going on in his life, and it almost seems unfair to add to it. That's part of the reason I turned here. I've told him snippets, but not the whole picture. Although he's not an idiot and he knows how to read the room. You're probably right, but I've always been taught to respect others' views and beliefs. It's fair to object, but you must respect. Ironically, my parents would hate mine lol. Idk man, religion is one of those things I don't understand completely. As it is, I'm not a great religious subject, but I do like to believe there is something higher than us, but idk it's strange. I do agree, regardless of one's religious beliefs, they should be able to put them aside, look past them, and respect someone for who they are.

I hope my parents and family choose me, but it's remains to be seen. We've always been close, but I have noticed that as my brother and I have grown, we've all slowly drifted. Mum and dad are close, deeply in love with teacher other, and I feel the distance growing between them and myself. My brother will always be the apple of their eyes, so he has nothing to worry about. Some days I feel if I were to come out it wouldn't be so bad, but others, I feel as though it would be the worst day of their lives. In reality, though, it'll be a shitty day for them regardless of what I think. The more I think about it, the deeper the hole becomes. Knowing people like you offer the help you do fills me with a comforting sense of reassurance. As you have said, years go by without realizing. Those are very true words, and, whilst I've been superficially happy, I'm deeply unhappy and time is marching forward and not stopping. You know something's not right when you'd rather spend time at work than at home lol.

Don't sweat about the proofreading, I'm sure mine is full of mistakes. Thank you so much for your help, advice, and welcome. I appreciate every bit of it and I'm sorry for the late reply. Thank you mate xx

What an excellent from the heart advice.

I learned very early that its ok for one of my parent to "slightly" prefer my brother over me. I accepted he was harder working, talked less back etc. I learned to be ok with it. It was a good lesson for life that we might not always be everyone's cup of coffee but we might be someone else Margherita

My parents grew up in a small city in eastern Europe and there was zero reference to any positive gay character. The only "positive" ones we learned about were the ones on TV dying of AIDS at that time...(sorry)

I got good advice back then. To ask myself 3 questions:

1. are you financially dependent on your parents (and for example if you are in school or university and they will not accept you and will cancel your school tuition) Finish your education first.

2. Will you be not ok and not suffer if they choose to never to speak to you

3. If you become homeless and you have no safe place to live because you depend on housing with them.
If any of these answers are Yes, then wait a little bit with coming out and communicate your situation with your partner.

Then I was told to thing of the parent that might be more receptive or accepting that you are gay and plan on first to tell that parent and also discuss what would be the best way to deliver the news to the other one.

I learned that our parents might never completely accept what they believe its "a choice or a lifestyle" which it took me little time to educate my parents that its not. But I still love them and funny thing 20 year later my mom told me on the phone that considering "my situation" I am the more "normal" of her 3 kids...lol

Another lesson I learned was that in general our parents just really want us to have a safe and happy life, and they have zero reference to any other gay people in their lives and what that life looks like. So be that good reference for them

Once in a while I throw in a gay themed joke about myself just to make them giggle and see that I am completely comfortable about this topic and that they can relax and not walk around like hot fire..

This was big decision for me to make. My dad brough up a bible and Adam and Eve and was trying to explain "God wanted this" So I asked him "if he finds more morally acceptable for me to have sexual relation with my sister or my mother then a man hat is not related to our family" He never mentioned bible again. All being said today I am happy I found the courage and was able to live my true life and introduce my boyfriends over the year etc...

I really like paragraph 3 from Beefderky. My parents had different views but over the years I was able to help them understand more inclusive and accepting way of life and today my mom speaks out if anyone is talking shit about gays in front of her

I hope this helps.

(I also found this really good link on Wiki: How to Come Out to Your Parents (with Pictures) - wikiHow )

I agree mate and there is always favouritism, it's unavoidable. Oh yes, and by "slightly" you must me "completely favour". But yes, there is a lesson to be learned and it's true, but perhaps I'm more a cup of spoilt milk.

I think that's a reason my parents feel the way they do. They were born in the 60s and grew up throughout the 70s and 80s, so you can imagine the general attitudes towards gay people. Obviously I wasn't alive then, but I reckon the attitudes of people in Australia would have been pretty ruthless, and yes, the only "positive" thing would have been people dying from AIDS. Don't apologize bro, we've all got to go one day and it'll probably get me.

They're good questions to ask. I'm not financially dependent on them any more, I'm pretty sure I won't end up homeless, but it would destroy me if they were to never speak with me again over something I caused. They're my parents and I love them. You only have one set of parents and I couldn't imagine life without them, despite they way the view me. It has never crossed my mind to tell one parent, but if I were, it would have to be mum. Mum puts up a strong, brave facade, but I know she has a soft heart. Dad is an incredibly (and admirably) strong man and an unbreakable heart.

I'm so glad you were able to open up and be yourself to your parents. Haha, well, it seems as though everything is 'normal' between your parents. Can I ask, how did you come out to them? DM me if you'd rather not share here, but I am curious if that's okay.

I'll likely never be a parent, but I couldn't agree with you more. As a parent, your job is to ensure your kids have a safe, happy, and healthy life until they are old enough to look after themselves and make their own decisions. That's what a parent is to me, anyway. I'm trying to be that reference for them, but so far I've failed. Their dreams of me entering some academic field have been shattered, and now I'm a plumber, working in mud, shit, and anything else you can think of. Oh well.

That is amazing and I'm so happy for you. It must be so reassuring and comforting to know you can be yourself, make a joke, laugh together, and everything is fine. Hopefully they get in on it too.

I admire your courage and strength, and they can finally know their real son. I hope that any doubt they may have had has disappeared, and they can get on with the rest of their lives loving their son (and other kids), the way it should be. I dream of that day.

Your mum is amazing! She's backing up her son, just as any parent should do. And yes, Beefderky offered some wonderful help and advice, as has you.

Of course it help. Thank you so much for sharing your stories and offering help. I appreciate it more than you know xx

Ah yes, old Wikihow to the rescue. It solves everything

http://www.ct.gov/shp/lib/shp/pdf/Read_This_Before_coming_out_to_your_parents.pdf

Thanks for the link, I'll check it out. I'm surprised to see how old it is!

LoL , that has double entrede (sp?) all over it.

HAHAHA, that one went over my head

 

[HorseHung40's]

You live your life; you only have one.

As soon as you are able, move from your parents' home to your own place. While they are entitled to their values, however lacking in value that they are, that line of thought is NOT healthy for you in the long term.

Good luck to you!

 

[Overboard23]

Stop Living with them

 

[Overboard23]

Y

Hey everyone. I’m a new member here and I’m after some advice.

I grew up in a traditional, ‘old fashioned’ household, and as such my parents have pretty strong views regarding ‘gay issues’. They’ve never been forced on us, but they have been made known. I respect their views and they are entitled to them, regardless if I disagree with them. As far as I’m aware, my parents don’t know I’m gay. I went to a strict school and was pushed to paths I never liked, enjoyed, or wanted to do – I had to play AFL football, work on cars, study ‘real’ subjects, and so on. My whole life has been shaped into what a man should be and the things men do. Now, as an adult (24), I look back and reflect on all the experiences I have missed and look at the person I was, compared to the person I should have been. The only reprise was a relationship with another guy during school. I went to an all boys school, so there was plenty of choice. That lasted a few years, but, unfortunately, some things aren’t meant to be and we split up a year after graduating. I’m still shattered about it.

I’ve always known that, deep down, I hold myself back from doing ‘non manly’ things just to please my parents and keep them happy – I studied languages and music, instead of performing arts. The fact that my brother can do no wrong in their view only makes matters worse, but it is what it is. Now I find I’m in a difficult situation. Over the past year I’ve developed a relationship with a guy from work. At the five month mark we made it official and we’re now a couple; his family know, but mine don’t.

At this point, I’ll say that I still live at home with my family and he lives at home with his family. I’m working on saving for a house, but it is outrageously expensive here in Australia. Most people would introduce their partner to their family, invite them over for dinner, and spend time with each other. However, I find I’m holding back, as usual, and I fear I will damage our relationship.

Don’t get me wrong, I get it when people say ‘who cares what they think, just do what you want to do and be yourself’. I would, but I still live at home and my relationship with my parents has been shaky, to say the least; being myself would only make it worse.

Hopefully I have made sense. Any advice is

You Shouldn’t be respecting their views at all, FUCK YOUR STUPID PARENTS

 

[Overboard23]

hi mate - welcome to the lpsg team & thanks for sharing your story - im sorry to hear that the issues you faced grownng up were very similar to mine & im a few years older than you - i too grew up in religious family - older parents - private boys school - needing to always portray a masculine image & effectively fittng in to work, study, career etc - good luck with your journey- keep saving those $$ and keep focused on your goal! i did not discuss my sexuality with my parents - i never dated & moved interstate for a bit more freedom - if you feel like chatting to another mate in adelaide let me know! cheers buddy dx

Fuck your idiots for parents

 

[SilentMajority]

Reading through all of this, I think the first action, as others have said, is to find an apartment. Get out of your parents' house. If you're unable to afford the apartment on your own or really want to move in with your boyfriend, tell your parents you have a "roommate" to share expenses. They will easily understand that.

Then, live your life. Your "roommate" can begin to join you in visits to your parents' home as your friend. Let them get to know him slowly as your friend. There is no pressure to come out to your parents. In your parents' eyes, your friend just becomes a bigger presence in your life until he is a permanent presence. This gives your parents the ability to silently accept you and him without anyone actually vocalizing your relationship, at least initially. Sort of like: don't ask, don't tell.

Eventually i think you're need to come out. It's unfair for your partner to carry on the charade forever. He'll eventually become weary of watching everything he does or says around your family and become a bit resentful. I certainly did. My husband and i had both been married to when before we met and had kids. When we got together, he felt his kids were to young to understand. (He was actually afraid to tell them.) So for a number of years we lived in places where we had a separate bedroom fully furnished including his clothes in the closet that was referred to as his bedroom.

The situation got much worse when his kids, by then in high school, moved in with us into our 3rd bedroom, and he actually moved into what was called his bedroom. Now, I'm not sure why i allowed this to happen. But i can assure you I was resentful. So don't expect him to carry the burden forever. He need to know your plan and to be fully on board. And, he needs to be your first priority and but your parents.

Good luck.

 

[AussieJackson]

You live your life; you only have one.

As soon as you are able, move from your parents' home to your own place. While they are entitled to their values, however lacking in value that they are, that line of thought is NOT healthy for you in the long term.

Good luck to you!

Thanks brother, that's the plan. I know being emerged in such an environment isn't good, but it's a small price to pay for a lifetime of happiness, I hope. I appreciate it xx

Stop Living with them

Y

You Shouldn’t be respecting their views at all, FUCK YOUR STUPID PARENTS

Fuck your idiots for parents

Come on mate, no need to be like that. Yeah, their views are distasteful and outdated, but they're my parents. They have given me everything I've asked for, gave me a great education, and have always been there. I can't erase their existence from my life.

Reading through all of this, I think the first action, as others have said, is to find an apartment. Get out of your parents' house. If you're unable to afford the apartment on your own or really want to move in with your boyfriend, tell your parents you have a "roommate" to share expenses. They will easily understand that.

Then, live your life. Your "roommate" can begin to join you in visits to your parents' home as your friend. Let them get to know him slowly as your friend. There is no pressure to come out to your parents. In your parents' eyes, your friend just becomes a bigger presence in your life until he is a permanent presence. This gives your parents the ability to silently accept you and him without anyone actually vocalizing your relationship, at least initially. Sort of like: don't ask, don't tell.

Eventually i think you're need to come out. It's unfair for your partner to carry on the charade forever. He'll eventually become weary of watching everything he does or says around your family and become a bit resentful. I certainly did. My husband and i had both been married to when before we met and had kids. When we got together, he felt his kids were to young to understand. (He was actually afraid to tell them.) So for a number of years we lived in places where we had a separate bedroom fully furnished including his clothes in the closet that was referred to as his bedroom.

The situation got much worse when his kids, by then in high school, moved in with us into our 3rd bedroom, and he actually moved into what was called his bedroom. Now, I'm not sure why i allowed this to happen. But i can assure you I was resentful. So don't expect him to carry the burden forever. He need to know your plan and to be fully on board. And, he needs to be your first priority and but your parents.

Good luck.

An apartment is a great idea, but I'm close to being in a position where I can buy a house. I do like the idea of renting a place together and sharing expenses.

The good thing is they already know him, have met him, and know he's a mate of mine. They even get along pretty well. I'm slowly working on having him around more, as a friend, but it's taking more time than I thought. As far as they know, he's a mate of mine and nothing more.

I understand and I agree. It's one thing for me to hide myself from my parents, but it's not fair for him. Wow, that must have been a difficult time. You're a good person and a better husband for making him feel at ease, but I agree, it must wear you down after a while. Him moving into another bedroom, sleeping there, must have been torture for you. Do you mind if I send you a DM?

Thank you for your advice ans thank you for sharing your story xx

 

[SilentMajority]

Thanks brother, that's the plan. I know being emerged in such an environment isn't good, but it's a small price to pay for a lifetime of happiness, I hope. I appreciate it xx



Come on mate, no need to be like that. Yeah, their views are distasteful and outdated, but they're my parents. They have given me everything I've asked for, gave me a great education, and have always been there. I can't erase their existence from my life.

An apartment is a great idea, but I'm close to being in a position where I can buy a house. I do like the idea of renting a place together and sharing expenses.

The good thing is they already know him, have met him, and know he's a mate of mine. They even get along pretty well. I'm slowly working on having him around more, as a friend, but it's taking more time than I thought. As far as they know, he's a mate of mine and nothing more.

I understand and I agree. It's one thing for me to hide myself from my parents, but it's not fair for him. Wow, that must have been a difficult time. You're a good person and a better husband for making him feel at ease, but I agree, it must wear you down after a while. Him moving into another bedroom, sleeping there, must have been torture for you. Do you mind if I send you a DM?

Thank you for your advice ans thank you for sharing your story xx

DM? Sure.

 

[AussieJackson]

DM? Sure.

Thanks brother x

 

[6798491]

At some time you will have to cut the ties that bind you to your family. As you've managed to exist for so long with their restrictions a short time more isn't going to hurt things - but you have to move out, and the sooner the better. Get something rented, move in with your guy - to whom you have told about your family - and then look to buy. The worst that could happen then is they cut you out of their lives, but at least you'll be independent of them. Currently you are trying to live the life they want you to live knowing it's not the true you, so, be true to yourself.

I too, can relate to the ties that bind.
I'm 27, have always lived with my mom (who is a single widow) - and she's so abusive that I can never bring up anything LGBT (unless it's about LGBT YouTubers or social media stars, since she gets triggered by her son being pansexual & by her son having trans friends - and the thought of trans women being women creeps my mom out & she enjoys misgendering trans people).
Anyway - I literally have to ask my mom for her permission to leave the house whenever I want.
If she says no, then I'm stuck unless I have a doctor's appointment or something that requires both of us be there together.
I only scheduled a therapy appointment to have personal time away from my mom; I need a break from her, and since I can't physically leave, confiding in a therapist who can help me leave is my only option.

And of course, my mom's homophobia and transphobia will be brought up - at some point.
And my inability to find true love (which eats at me), will also be discussed.
When?
I've not an idea.

 

[AussieJackson]

I too, can relate to the ties that bind.
I'm 27, have always lived with my mom (who is a single widow) - and she's so abusive that I can never bring up anything LGBT (unless it's about LGBT YouTubers or social media stars, since she gets triggered by her son being pansexual & by her son having trans friends - and the thought of trans women being women creeps my mom out & she enjoys misgendering trans people).
Anyway - I literally have to ask my mom for her permission to leave the house whenever I want.
If she says no, then I'm stuck unless I have a doctor's appointment or something that requires both of us be there together.
I only scheduled a therapy appointment to have personal time away from my mom; I need a break from her, and since I can't physically leave, confiding in a therapist who can help me leave is my only option.

And of course, my mom's homophobia and transphobia will be brought up - at some point.
And my inability to find true love (which eats at me), will also be discussed.
When?
I've not an idea.

Oh brother I am so sorry to hear. I also sympathize for your mum, losing her husband must've been the biggest hurt she has experienced. Still, the way she abuses and controls you is inexcusable. Being emerged in such an environment will take its toll on you. It would be ideal to find a place of your own, or with friends, but I understand that isn't an easy thing to do. Keep your therapist close. It's important to have that connection and to have the ability to express your emotions freely and openly.

It may be a good thing that it's brought up, but cross that bridge when you're ready to. Come on now, that's not true. It may seem like it now, but you come across as a great guy and I know you'll make the perfection other half one day x. Be kind to yourself x

 

[Beefderky]

@thebussyinvader

This is going to sound horrible but your mother doesn't love you. That's not love. She can't even be labeled as a mother. You pointed out the abusive situation you are in and yet you do nothing. You will never have a life of your own nor find a lover if you remain by her side. You owe your mother nothing if this is how she's treating you. You deserve a better life.

Here's some advice. You need to escape that prison you're in. If you have the money to do so, you need to get out. Pack your valuables and crash at a friend's place until you can establish a place to rent from. Or crash there, get a job until you can get a place of your own.

Do no tell your mother you are planning on moving out nor moving out at all. You have to sneak out and never come back. She will never let you go. You know why? She sees you as an abomination and will not let an abomination out into the world. If what you say is true then you really need to go no contact. It sounds horrible but what she's doing is not acceptable by anyone. Unless you want to live a pitiful life, you need to leave. Otherwise the emotional damage she is causing you will be permanent. She sounds like the type that will never change.

Imagine a life with her until the day she dies. How many years do you think that will be? How old will you be until you can live your life to the fullest? By then I think the damage by your mother will be extreme that you won't be able to recover. That you won't be able to have a healthy relationship with anyone. You will never find true happiness while by her side. Even if you found a lover, your mother would chase them away. You have to do things for yourself. Fight for your happiness. Don't let it be stripped away. This is the harsh truth I'll give you because someone should have told you by now.

Here's the thing. I pity no one that doesn't fight for themselves. If you don't want to seek a change from your hell hole then why should anyone care? There are other people out there that could use the advice we give and it shouldn't be wasted on people who have given up on all hope. Are you even happy with your situation? Does your mother make you second guess if it's okay to be pan or if trans people are real people? Is she influencing your thoughts so you can be exactly like her on the future? I just hope you want to escape and find a world beyond your current life. Please do what's best for yourself.

 

[6798491]

@thebussyinvader

This is going to sound horrible but your mother doesn't love you. That's not love. She can't even be labeled as a mother. You pointed out the abusive situation you are in and yet you do nothing. You will never have a life of your own nor find a lover if you remain by her side. You owe your mother nothing if this is how she's treating you. You deserve a better life.

Here's some advice. You need to escape that prison you're in. If you have the money to do so, you need to get out. Pack your valuables and crash at a friend's place until you can establish a place to rent from. Or crash there, get a job until you can get a place of your own.

Do no tell your mother you are planning on moving out nor moving out at all. You have to sneak out and never come back. She will never let you go. You know why? She sees you as an abomination and will not let an abomination out into the world. If what you say is true then you really need to go no contact. It sounds horrible but what she's doing is not acceptable by anyone. Unless you want to live a pitiful life, you need to leave. Otherwise the emotional damage she is causing you will be permanent. She sounds like the type that will never change.

Imagine a life with her until the day she dies. How many years do you think that will be? How old will you be until you can live your life to the fullest? By then I think the damage by your mother will be extreme that you won't be able to recover. That you won't be able to have a healthy relationship with anyone. You will never find true happiness while by her side. Even if you found a lover, your mother would chase them away. You have to do things for yourself. Fight for your happiness. Don't let it be stripped away. This is the harsh truth I'll give you because someone should have told you by now.

Here's the thing. I pity no one that doesn't fight for themselves. If you don't want to seek a change from your hell hole then why should anyone care? There are other people out there that could use the advice we give and it shouldn't be wasted on people who have given up on all hope. Are you even happy with your situation? Does your mother make you second guess if it's okay to be pan or if trans people are real people? Is she influencing your thoughts so you can be exactly like her on the future? I just hope you want to escape and find a world beyond your current life. Please do what's best for yourself.

You're 100% right.
I've said a lot of what you also said here.
I was all set to move on the 6th of June - I paid for my Uber, flight and AirBnB (over $1,000) - and my family found out I was planning a move to Nebraska.
They were angry, and immediately demanded I stay.
Everybody in my family calls me "crazy" for trying to leave - but moving is what I need to do (and I've said that multiple times).

I do plan on sneaking out again, and moving in the near future.
I just started a new job, and I'm looking for a second part-time job as well, to make ends meet.
I'm 26, young and resilient - surely one to two years of waiting to move beats almost 27, any day.

I also scheduled a meeting in 2 weeks with a therapist who specializes in narcissistic abuse, and she's helping me with ways to cope with my narc mom until I'm able to go no contact (which is my saving grace right now).

I've tried moving out 10 times - and was even homeless out of state for 5 days once - and ended up back at home with her, without my consent.
So I told the therapist I want to work on ways to move forward in life, in order to be self-reliant, and independent of my mom; I'm learning that occasionally, it's not selfish to put yourself first.

 

[6798491]

Oh brother I am so sorry to hear. I also sympathize for your mum, losing her husband must've been the biggest hurt she has experienced. Still, the way she abuses and controls you is inexcusable. Being emerged in such an environment will take its toll on you. It would be ideal to find a place of your own, or with friends, but I understand that isn't an easy thing to do. Keep your therapist close. It's important to have that connection and to have the ability to express your emotions freely and openly.

It may be a good thing that it's brought up, but cross that bridge when you're ready to. Come on now, that's not true. It may seem like it now, but you come across as a great guy and I know you'll make the perfection other half one day x. Be kind to yourself x

Thank you for the kind words & honesty.
I think you summed up exactly how I feel about our mother-son dynamic - "The way she abuses and controls you is inexcusable" and I agree, 100%.

My parents were married for 16 years; we grew up impoverished and my mom was the breadwinner.
She has lied about too many scenarios in my parents' marriage, lied about things I went through (saying "That never happened" when, indeed, all those things did happen and she witnessed many a said event), and way too much more.
The only thing she's never lied about is our family history - which is great, since I've spent the last 5 years tracing our family history.

Doing my genealogy is one of the things that's keeping me going and in high spirits right now.
I've found so many family secrets on both sides - my great-grandmother was a successful photographer (and many people say I look exactly like her, from the nose, upward - so apparently, I have a very British face?), my dad was part Dutch and part American (which I never knew, and he didn't know either - I always thought he was just a simple, self made man from Bermuda), and there were just too many interesting things I discovered.

Lastly, my lifelong dream has always been to become a father and raise a family.
In order to do that, I have to move, and it's obvious.
My dad was never able to free himself from my mom's abuse - he died at my grandma's house - but I made the decision that I will be moving out again.
It might take six months, or one to two years, but I just have to.
Something's got to give.

 

[Beefderky]

@thebussyinvader

I am glad to hear you have thought it through and have a goal. Just make sure to hide your money so your family can't steal it and set you back years. I was afraid you weren't going to do anything in your situation. The only changes that will ever take place are the ones you are willing to make. Otherwise they will never happen.

If you need someone to chat with, feel free to dm me. Remember what your true worth is. No one else can put a price on it. Seeing a therapist is is great. Many people should see one because we all need someone to talk to.

 

[6798491]

@thebussyinvader

I am glad to hear you have thought it through and have a goal. Just make sure to hide your money so your family can't steal it and set you back years. I was afraid you weren't going to do anything in your situation. The only changes that will ever take place are the ones you are willing to make. Otherwise they will never happen.

If you need someone to chat with, feel free to dm me. Remember what your true worth is. No one else can put a price on it. Seeing a therapist is is great. Many people should see one because we all need someone to talk to.

My mom controls my money - I have to ask her for permission to access my own money.
So my workaround was getting a few prepaid cards she doesn't know about; the one problem is, I've been unemployed for 2 years, so I'm still trying to find steady work.
I even thought about getting back into temp jobs again, but I don't know.

 

[Beefderky]

My mom controls my money - I have to ask her for permission to access my own money.
So my workaround was getting a few prepaid cards she doesn't know about; the one problem is, I've been unemployed for 2 years, so I'm still trying to find steady work.
I even thought about getting back into temp jobs again, but I don't know.

How does your mom control your money? Who's name is the account under? If it's yours, I'm pretty sure you can just waltz right in with you driver's license and take anything out. But if she is putting your money under her name then you aren't getting that back. If that's the case, find a bank that doesn't require a min balance and such. Keep it from your mom and deposit whatever money you make through there. Direct deposit can be sent right to it. Don't let your mom have any of the info or your cards. I think it would be easier if you had a friend you could crash with until you got back on your feet. You can return the favor by doing the cleaning and house duties for them until you find a job. Then you can slowly contribute to paying rent with them. If you have money under your name at a bank go in and withdraw it all and deposit into your new account. If it's under your name it's yours. But your mom has you by the balls. I can't see you escaping unless you make drastic changes.

 

[6798491]

How does your mom control your money? Who's name is the account under? If it's yours, I'm pretty sure you can just waltz right in with you driver's license and take anything out. But if she is putting your money under her name then you aren't getting that back. If that's the case, find a bank that doesn't require a min balance and such. Keep it from your mom and deposit whatever money you make through there. Direct deposit can be sent right to it. Don't let your mom have any of the info or your cards. I think it would be easier if you had a friend you could crash with until you got back on your feet. You can return the favor by doing the cleaning and house duties for them until you find a job. Then you can slowly contribute to paying rent with them. If you have money under your name at a bank go in and withdraw it all and deposit into your new account. If it's under your name it's yours. But your mom has you by the balls. I can't see you escaping unless you make drastic changes.

Yes, I am the account owner. And I was told to only open a new account after I move (which is the big issue here), since I am moving first, opening a new account second, and then filing a no contact order. And unfortunately, all my friends live out of state (several hours away), and all of them are either abuse survivors themselves, or married with children, and I'm not one to intrude on their personal space.
I just feel my smartest move right now would be get a job, save and invest everything consistently, and use my savings to move.
And unfortunately, I won't be able to invest until after I move.
But, here is some good news - I have an acquaintance in Nebraska who told me he charges $100 rent monthly, given his tenants and he are on good terms.
So I am planning to live with him until I get on my feet.
The problem is, getting to Nebraska now - especially after I had to cancel my entire trip the day before - is going to be financially difficult; and I spent more than $1,000 just on transportation alone, in order to leave.
So, just like when I was brought back home from New York State, I still feel like I haven't changed anything.
When I left NY with a relative (in 2020), I cried the entire trip, while this relative was drunk driving, and was drunk off 2 full bottles of Hennessy (and I dated an alcoholic - my ex used to harass me while he was drunk - not a good relationship & I'm thankful I left him in 2020, with that crazy relative).

I am already well aware I need to make drastic changes; I have a plan in motion for after I move.
The problem is, planning my actual leave - for the eleventh time - is the hardest part.
The only way out for me, is finding a job; I was in such dire straits that I applied for 3 positions at my mom's company - one where I'm from, one in Oklahoma, and another in Ohio (since it's a remote job and I can't afford to commute).