Am I the asshole if...?

[NicHalliwell]

This thread is only for the purpose of letting off some steam; nothing written here should be construed as enacting hostile acts toward oneself or other people.
I'll start

Am I the asshole if sometimes I fantasize about smashing my father's face?

I explain: I have an authoritarian father who demands that the only viable way of doing things is exclusively his own, and all other views and ways of doing things make him go berserk, to me this attitude bothers me and I suffer from rabies attacks (anger that I tend to hide and suppress in public) when I am alone I vent my anger by fantasizing about punching and slapping him. It's not something I would do in reality, but fantasizing those things makes me feel pretty damn good (for a minute at least!) and afterwards I feel like shit.

 

[Sagittarius84]

This thread is only for the purpose of letting off some steam; nothing written here should be construed as enacting hostile acts toward oneself or other people.
I'll start

Am I the asshole if sometimes I fantasize about smashing my father's face?

I explain: I have an authoritarian father who demands that the only viable way of doing things is exclusively his own, and all other views and ways of doing things make him go berserk, to me this attitude bothers me and I suffer from rabies attacks (anger that I tend to hide and suppress in public) when I am alone I vent my anger by fantasizing about punching and slapping him. It's not something I would do in reality, but fantasizing those things makes me feel pretty damn good (for a minute at least!) and afterwards I feel like shit.

NTA. I had to be out of my home prior to 18, not because I was being kicked out, but because I knew another yr with my abusive grandmother would have me landed me in jail for something I couldn't undo. As long as you don't act on it, and get proper help to mitigate your anger or at least channel it into something productive, I don't think your thoughts make you an AH, nor abnormal.

 

[Aphradight]

This thread is only for the purpose of letting off some steam; nothing written here should be construed as enacting hostile acts toward oneself or other people.
I'll start

Am I the asshole if sometimes I fantasize about smashing my father's face?

I explain: I have an authoritarian father who demands that the only viable way of doing things is exclusively his own, and all other views and ways of doing things make him go berserk, to me this attitude bothers me and I suffer from rabies attacks (anger that I tend to hide and suppress in public) when I am alone I vent my anger by fantasizing about punching and slapping him. It's not something I would do in reality, but fantasizing those things makes me feel pretty damn good (for a minute at least!) and afterwards I feel like shit.

Sounds like your dad could be narcissistic not to be too technical. And it’s not abnormal for you to have fantasies like that at all. Most men when they feel either sad, anxious, or feel powerless they tend to express that as anger in order to feel powerful Instead of the other negative emotions they are really feeling. You can always channel your anger into things like working out and or martial arts. A lot of dudes that practice martial arts end up fighting a lot of calm and inner peace.

 

[NicHalliwell]

Sounds like your dad could be narcissistic not to be too technical. And it’s not abnormal for you to have fantasies like that at all. Most men when they feel either sad, anxious, or feel powerless they tend to express that as anger in order to feel powerful Instead of the other negative emotions they are really feeling. You can always channel your anger into things like working out and or martial arts. A lot of dudes that practice martial arts end up fighting a lot of calm and inner peace.

thanks for your contribution

 

[Brodie888]

While I can understand your frustration, I don't think it's a healthy way to digest your feelings.

A healthier alternative would be to take away the power your father's opinions have over you. It's the moment when you actually become your own man.

ie understand that he is a flawed human like everyone else and to not give a shit what his opinions may be if they are unreasonable. It only makes you angry because you engage and place value in what he says.

Take back your personal power. You give him too much space in your head if you allow him to affect you in that way.

If anything, take it as a lesson of how not to be as you get older.

 

[Aphradight]

thanks for your contribution

If you have a sexy as your profile pic, you can always move out of his house and into anyone else’s.

 

[dr_bator]

Most people probably shouldn't be parents.

 

[Stephenmass]

I don't know many guys who haven't at one time or another wanted to smash their father's face in. Not in reality, but that is what the anger feels like. I think it's a completely normal emotion as long as you don't carry it thru, short of abuse, or things in that area.

 

[NicHalliwell]

Most people probably shouldn't be parents.

I think so too unfortunately

 

[NicHalliwell]

I don't know many guys who haven't at one time or another wanted to smash their father's face in. Not in reality, but that is what the anger feels like. I think it's a completely normal emotion as long as you don't carry it thru, short of abuse, or things in that area.

I use all my energy to not give in to the temptation to hurt not only him but others as well, only that the consequence is that I have to vent on someone and that someone is myself.

 

[Stephenmass]

Sounds like you have something and it sound like pent-up rage. Now it seems directed at anyone. At first I thought it was the authority figure of your father which didn't line up with your own perceptions which is normal, but you seem to have taken that another step. Why do you think you feel that way?

 

[NicHalliwell]

Sounds like you have something and it sound like pent-up rage. Now it seems directed at anyone. At first I thought it was the authority figure of your father which didn't line up with your own perceptions which is normal, but you seem to have taken that another step. Why do you think you feel that way?

that I am repressed (not just anger), this is more than certain

but I must have expressed myself badly, there is no fear that I will go around causing harm

I feel this way because of impotence, I feel very uncomfortable with authority, not being able to avoid it at home (for various reasons) I avoid it outside

 

[chrisrobin]

That you recognise this as being a problem is good, finding a way to vent your anger is also desirable
I am presuming you live at home, not good for a guy who craves independance, but also he has no idea of your sexual preferences - could this, from you, be part of what gives you the anger, fear of his anger should he make this discovery?

 

[NicHalliwell]

That you recognise this as being a problem is good, finding a way to vent your anger is also desirable
I am presuming you live at home, not good for a guy who craves independance, but also he has no idea of your sexual preferences - could this, from you, be part of what gives you the anger, fear of his anger should he make this discovery?

that my father does not know that I like boys, for me it is both an advantage and a misfortune

two main factors trigger my anger
1) I do not have control of my life (for various reasons including that I am the only one who has to take care of a parent who is often sick)
2) my father demands to control my life (I always have to account for what I do, how I do it and why I do it)

 

[Sagittarius84]

two main factors trigger my anger
1) I do not have control of my life (for various reasons including that I am the only one who has to take care of a parent who is often sick)
2) my father demands to control my life (I always have to account for what I do, how I do it and why I do it)

I empathize with why you do so, but as an adult you can't simultaneously surrender your independence then resent the control the other party asserts in their presumable domain. You don't have to take care of a parent who's sick, that is a task you have assigned yourself, and it seems a consequence of doing so is ceding some aspects of your independence to whomever holds dominion over that space. What's stopping you from acquiring your own space and taking care of the sick parent there, or informing the sick parent you cannot exist under those conditions and that they are going to have to establish boundaries with your father if they would like the benefit of your care? I'm not saying your father is right, but presumably it's his home, his rules, don't think you would be any different simply because your "rules" are less stringent.
You have agency here, assuming the oft sick parent is lucid, they too have agency. I can imagine as you are caring for them you might be "protecting" them from this side of your father, but you're doing yourself a disservice, and not holding them to any accountability. There's absolutely nothing with telling Mom(?), she needs to have a conversation with Dad because the environment he's providing is not conducive to allowing you to be as helpful as you'd like to be...and as hard and sad as I know it would be, there's also nothing wrong with stopping the care of a sick parent if they are unwilling to advocate on your behalf to make their care situation more stable and productive.

 

[NicHalliwell]

I empathize with why you do so, but as an adult you can't simultaneously surrender your independence then resent the control the other party asserts in their presumable domain. You don't have to take care of a parent who's sick, that is a task you have assigned yourself, and it seems a consequence of doing so is ceding some aspects of your independence to whomever holds dominion over that space. What's stopping you from acquiring your own space and taking care of the sick parent there, or informing the sick parent you cannot exist under those conditions and that they are going to have to establish boundaries with your father if they would like the benefit of your care? I'm not saying your father is right, but presumably it's his home, his rules, don't think you would be any different simply because your "rules" are less stringent.
You have agency here, assuming the oft sick parent is lucid, they too have agency. I can imagine as you are caring for them you might be "protecting" them from this side of your father, but you're doing yourself a disservice, and not holding them to any accountability. There's absolutely nothing with telling Mom(?), she needs to have a conversation with Dad because the environment he's providing is not conducive to allowing you to be as helpful as you'd like to be...and as hard and sad as I know it would be, there's also nothing wrong with stopping the care of a sick parent if they are unwilling to advocate on your behalf to make their care situation more stable and productive.

I feel obliged to take care of my mother (who suffers from various pathologies and spends most of the summer bedridden and dazed), if I don't do it, no one will (my father, although overbearing, is at an age that could put him at risk, I am an only child, we have no relationships with other family members and my father would never ask for outside help.

Just to give you a better idea of who my father and I are

Father: Authoritarian and Despotic, who firmly believes in his superiority and in his right to control every aspect of family life. Any deviation from his point of view and to do things is seen as a threat. He has a grandiose image of himself and little empathy for others. He uses insults, humiliation and manipulation to maintain power, my mother gets the worst of it, with me he uses more "subtle" ways). He has a deep fear of losing control and being seen as weak.

He imposes rigid and unreasonable rules. He constantly criticizes and devalues others. Isolates the family from the outside world to increase control. Alternates moments of apparent calm with outbursts of anger.

Let's talk about me: I am an introvert, I tend to internalize emotions and to be easily overwhelmed. I internally resist paternal authority, but I have difficulty expressing anger openly. I live in a constant state of alert, fearing my father's reactions. I always feel helpless and inadequate because of his criticism. I suppress emotions, which can manifest as sudden outbursts of anger and this often throws me into depressive states (consequences: anger attacks, emotional burnout and eating disorders).

 

[dr_bator]

The most problematic malady seems to be his behavior.

As far as the other health concerns, regardless if terminal or temporary, you need to establish and maintain boundaries.

Seek assistance. It doesn't matter if he resists. The world (and these agencies ) go through this - a lot. By seeking help you will look like a concerned and loving son. Not getting sufficient help can cast you adversely.

I got called to assist my three sisters. They found mother in need to medical assistance but refused to go. They could drive her or get an ambulance as they were besieged with emotions. When I arrived, I agreed that she needed to go. They wanted me to argue the facts and prove the logic to mother. Fuck that. I went into another room and called an ambulance, warning them she may resist. She concentrated all her abuse on her children. When the ambulance arrived she was pleasant to them... and away she went. Had her conditions worsened we could have been held in neglect.

You're an adult. You will need to act like one.

Set boundaries. And you don't have to second guess or explain otherwise. Within your capacity, offer what help you can. Beyond that, you will need assistance.

His anger, cruelty, harsh words.... these are now irrelevant. Do the right thing. Get him help. The right thing will also give you distance and time. These caring agencies will explain this. They know. They deal with all sorts of anger and family strife. By you seeking help, you will appear noble, caring, and loving.

Will it be easy? Finding the care may take time. Will he lash out? Probably. But let the agencies deal with that. He is not the first irritable senior. He won't be the last. You may need to thicken your skin, ignoring the angry, hateful statements. You have boundaries, respect yourself.

Sometimes when properly caring for others you must be seemingly strict. Children may not wants shots or other treatments. As adults, we must look beyond their anguish of the moment and insist they get care. Though he is no longer a child, if outside assistance is required, a same set of strictness is required.

If he cannot be left alone, what happens when you work? These agencies will help assess the situation. If he needs 24/7 care, it is likely they'll insist on some sort of nursing home facility, which would provide more care than you can give.

Once these agencies start giving him supervision, I bet he will actually grow to like the attention. Even if he doesn't, that is irrelevant.

Having your own insecurities, you may elicit a friend or cousin to stand by your side.

He needs care. You need care, too. I strong suggest seeking a support group or counseling for yourself.

Best wishes to you.

 

[NicHalliwell]

The most problematic malady seems to be his behavior.

As far as the other health concerns, regardless if terminal or temporary, you need to establish and maintain boundaries.

Seek assistance. It doesn't matter if he resists. The world (and these agencies ) go through this - a lot. By seeking help you will look like a concerned and loving son. Not getting sufficient help can cast you adversely.

I got called to assist my three sisters. They found mother in need to medical assistance but refused to go. They could drive her or get an ambulance as they were besieged with emotions. When I arrived, I agreed that she needed to go. They wanted me to argue the facts and prove the logic to mother. Fuck that. I went into another room and called an ambulance, warning them she may resist. She concentrated all her abuse on her children. When the ambulance arrived she was pleasant to them... and away she went. Had her conditions worsened we could have been held in neglect.

You're an adult. You will need to act like one.

Set boundaries. And you don't have to second guess or explain otherwise. Within your capacity, offer what help you can. Beyond that, you will need assistance.

His anger, cruelty, harsh words.... these are now irrelevant. Do the right thing. Get him help. The right thing will also give you distance and time. These caring agencies will explain this. They know. They deal with all sorts of anger and family strife. By you seeking help, you will appear noble, caring, and loving.

Will it be easy? Finding the care may take time. Will he lash out? Probably. But let the agencies deal with that. He is not the first irritable senior. He won't be the last. You may need to thicken your skin, ignoring the angry, hateful statements. You have boundaries, respect yourself.

Sometimes when properly caring for others you must be seemingly strict. Children may not wants shots or other treatments. As adults, we must look beyond their anguish of the moment and insist they get care. Though he is no longer a child, if outside assistance is required, a same set of strictness is required.

If he cannot be left alone, what happens when you work? These agencies will help assess the situation. If he needs 24/7 care, it is likely they'll insist on some sort of nursing home facility, which would provide more care than you can give.

Once these agencies start giving him supervision, I bet he will actually grow to like the attention. Even if he doesn't, that is irrelevant.

Having your own insecurities, you may elicit a friend or cousin to stand by your side.

He needs care. You need care, too. I strong suggest seeking a support group or counseling for yourself.

Best wishes to you.

Thanks for your interest, I have a lot to think about

 

[Sagittarius84]

I feel obliged to take care of my mother (who suffers from various pathologies and spends most of the summer bedridden and dazed), if I don't do it, no one will (my father, although overbearing, is at an age that could put him at risk, I am an only child, we have no relationships with other family members and my father would never ask for outside help.

Just to give you a better idea of who my father and I are

Father: Authoritarian and Despotic, who firmly believes in his superiority and in his right to control every aspect of family life. Any deviation from his point of view and to do things is seen as a threat. He has a grandiose image of himself and little empathy for others. He uses insults, humiliation and manipulation to maintain power, my mother gets the worst of it, with me he uses more "subtle" ways). He has a deep fear of losing control and being seen as weak.

He imposes rigid and unreasonable rules. He constantly criticizes and devalues others. Isolates the family from the outside world to increase control. Alternates moments of apparent calm with outbursts of anger.

Let's talk about me: I am an introvert, I tend to internalize emotions and to be easily overwhelmed. I internally resist paternal authority, but I have difficulty expressing anger openly. I live in a constant state of alert, fearing my father's reactions. I always feel helpless and inadequate because of his criticism. I suppress emotions, which can manifest as sudden outbursts of anger and this often throws me into depressive states (consequences: anger attacks, emotional burnout and eating disorders).

You're preaching to the choir man, we get it your Dad is a certified piece of shit...the problem still remains is that we generally are allowed to be as shitty as we want in our own space, adding to the fact a woman willingly chose to attach herself to that shittiness presumably until death do them part.
We all have the hero fantasies of going back and thwarting our childhood bullies, but reality dictates you can't thwart him in his own home even if you're only there to take of your mother.
There are a lot of attitudes and actions that will make you feel temporarily "better", but you don't win this unless: your father has some family sitcom derived reaction to your confrontation, complete with studio audience....or you establish your own space where you can take care of your mother and he has no power. And during her more lucid periods you need to let your mother know that is your intention and for her to continue to glean benefit from your care, she either needs to establish boundaries with your father, or extricate herself from the situation.

I wish I had more feel-good solutions, but I don't see an amicable resolution coming out of you and your father's competing world views and values being debated in his home.

 

[NicHalliwell]

You're preaching to the choir man, we get it your Dad is a certified piece of shit...the problem still remains is that we generally are allowed to be as shitty as we want in our own space, adding to the fact a woman willingly chose to attach herself to that shittiness presumably until death do them part.
We all have the hero fantasies of going back and thwarting our childhood bullies, but reality dictates you can't thwart him in his own home even if you're only there to take of your mother.
There are a lot of attitudes and actions that will make you feel temporarily "better", but you don't win this unless: your father has some family sitcom derived reaction to your confrontation, complete with studio audience....or you establish your own space where you can take care of your mother and he has no power. And during her more lucid periods you need to let your mother know that is your intention and for her to continue to glean benefit from your care, she either needs to establish boundaries with your father, or extricate herself from the situation.

I wish I had more feel-good solutions, but I don't see an amicable resolution coming out of you and your father's competing world views and values being debated in his home.

thanks for your honest opinion