Anxiety around sex.

[Arj1986]

I will probably regret posting this here, don't know why cause I'm not actually embarrassed about it.

I've always had a little bit of anxiety around sex. I'm 38 now and have always been very body conscious (diagnosed body dysmorphia).

I had a proper mental health breakdown in around 2022, but mental health has never been great. In my whole life I've only slept with about 10 people, 3 of them were boyfriends.

ANYWAY - Since early 2021 I've been very reclusive and haven't been with anyone. I'm on Grindr because I'll be honest I like the attention, but I have got in my bio that I'm reclusive and not meeting.

So now I'm at the point where I put about 5 stone on over the last 3 years (always yo-yo'd, and have started losing it now) very rarely go out, and I'm actually scared to have sex or to meet anyone. I feel like when I think about having sex I'm looking into the life of someone else.

So what I want to know is if anyone can relate? Or has been gone through phases like this? And how did they overcome it. Cause I just feel like an absolute weirdo and have never come across anyone going through this.

 

[Talstar]

Don’t know if it will be any help but I think have anxiety around sex happens a lot and is normal. Especially if you have built up those worries.

 

[Beekeeper13]

I will probably regret posting this here, don't know why cause I'm not actually embarrassed about it.

I've always had a little bit of anxiety around sex. I'm 38 now and have always been very body conscious (diagnosed body dysmorphia).

I had a proper mental health breakdown in around 2022, but mental health has never been great. In my whole life I've only slept with about 10 people, 3 of them were boyfriends.

ANYWAY - Since early 2021 I've been very reclusive and haven't been with anyone. I'm on Grindr because I'll be honest I like the attention, but I have got in my bio that I'm reclusive and not meeting.

So now I'm at the point where I put about 5 stone on over the last 3 years (always yo-yo'd, and have started losing it now) very rarely go out, and I'm actually scared to have sex or to meet anyone. I feel like when I think about having sex I'm looking into the life of someone else.

So what I want to know is if anyone can relate? Or has been gone through phases like this? And how did they overcome it. Cause I just feel like an absolute weirdo and have never come across anyone going through this.

I totally get what you are going thru. For myself I have not had sex since 2010. It is really hard for me to want to be that close with someone sexually. After my divorce I got in a bad headspace and gained weight. I refuse to this day to take my shirt off in front of anyone. I have always had issues with my self body image. Never thought I looked right or good enough. I would compare myself to models and sports figures. For me the thing that helps is all the amazing sex toys on the market. Yes I use some porn, I use erotic stories to fill in the romantic feelings. I can imagine myself in a characters part. My family and friends wonder about me. But I was married have two amazing kids. For me not having someone to be with I can’t mentally imagine getting naked and letting someone see me. I have lost weight since then, but i am scared to death of someone seeing me without my shirt. It has gotten to the point I refuse to hug anyone, Covid helped with that one. I just always tell them I am fighting a cold to stand back. I have been doing this for 14 years now and it just feels normal, just me and my dog. I have friends and family for social interaction. I hope you find yourself what makes you happy. Don’t worry what other people think. There are more if us out here than will admit it. In the end it’s your life! Do what you want, have amazing friends and the freedom to do whatever you want without having to worry about someone else’s feelings.

 

[Arj1986]

I totally get what you are going thru. For myself I have not had sex since 2010. It is really hard for me to want to be that close with someone sexually. After my divorce I got in a bad headspace and gained weight. I refuse to this day to take my shirt off in front of anyone. I have always had issues with my self body image. Never thought I looked right or good enough. I would compare myself to models and sports figures. For me the thing that helps is all the amazing sex toys on the market. Yes I use some porn, I use erotic stories to fill in the romantic feelings. I can imagine myself in a characters part. My family and friends wonder about me. But I was married have two amazing kids. For me not having someone to be with I can’t mentally imagine getting naked and letting someone see me. I have lost weight since then, but i am scared to death of someone seeing me without my shirt. It has gotten to the point I refuse to hug anyone, Covid helped with that one. I just always tell them I am fighting a cold to stand back. I have been doing this for 14 years now and it just feels normal, just me and my dog. I have friends and family for social interaction. I hope you find yourself what makes you happy. Don’t worry what other people think. There are more if us out here than will admit it. In the end it’s your life! Do what you want, have amazing friends and the freedom to do whatever you want without having to worry about someone else’s feelings.

Wow, thank you for the honesty. It does make me feel a bit less 'isolated Hunchback Of Notre Damme' (which is how it feels sometimes) to know there are others going through the same thing. Because I don't really engage is society I don't speak to many people and definitely not about this topic.

Can I ask how old you are? And if you are gay/straight?

I really hope you can overcome this one day, if you want to. Maybe you're happy living like this, but sex can be so nice and it's a shame stopping ourselves from having it.

 

[Beekeeper13]

40,
I define myself as Pansexual because it does not matter man or woman I have been with both even a transgender person. Mine has escalated to the point I don’t like being touched, but like you I am seeing help. But yeah SEX is amazing with the for me the right person. One night stands never fulfilled me.
Like today took my dog to the beach had lunch did a little shopping. Talked to my folks. So far the day is going great. Night time is also the test for me, I get horny and well thoughts of another person do drift in. But with my toys and no one to worry if they are close are getting a leg cramp? It leaves all the having to worry about someone else and you get to focus on making yourself feel so freaking good.
I have Topped, Bottomed and just did oral. It took me a while to figure out what was really missing that I was having the hardest time without. Turns out I miss kissing the most, I figured it would be oral.
Glad I could make you feel even a little bit better. I have done online dating, but it got to point they wanted to meet up, I just couldn’t do it yet. Maybe in time.

 

[SilentMajority]

Maybe the solution is to realize that everyone has some anxiety about sex... Even those who don't appear to be and don't seem to have a reason to. None of us is perfect... Even the pretty ones. LOL. Don't you think the big titted girl thinks she's too top heavy? Or that the big dick guy is worried about his lack of abs? No one is perfect. Let yourself enjoy what is there for you, and if you run across an asshole who tries to shame you, realize it's their problem and not yours. Value yourself for who you are, rather than mourning who you are not.

 

[Beekeeper13]

Maybe the solution is to realize that everyone has some anxiety about sex... Even those who don't appear to be and don't seem to have a reason to. None of us is perfect... Even the pretty ones. LOL. Don't you think the big titted girl thinks she's too top heavy? Or that the big dick guy is worried about his lack of abs? No one is perfect. Let yourself enjoy what is there for you, and if you run across an asshole who tries to shame you, realize it's their problem and not yours. Value yourself for who you are, rather than mourning who you are not.

Thank you, now if only more people would understand this the way you do.

 

[delice4]

Hello. I feel very concerned too. I had sexual problems in my childhood and it's very difficult for me to have sex with someone for almost 15 years (I am 40 as well). I mean: I am able to masturbate but I cannot have an erection in front of anyone. I feel very sad about it because I think I wasted my whole young age. I have a lot of desire, but I'm only able to suck guys and they become frustrated soon or late because they cannot suck me and because we can't go far.

 

[delice4]

If any of us finds a key to forget the sexual anxiety, let's share it together.

 

[tps87]

Everyone can have anxiety. I tend to overthink things myself and I'm working on just letting myself go and enjoying the moment when those thoughts pop into my head. Trying to focus on the feeling in the moment rather than "oh, will this or that happen" kind of thing.

As for the body dysmorphia - I can look in the mirror and definitely be unhappy but I don't consider myself as having that condition so I can't offer much advice on that front. Maybe just get a routine going of diet/exercise that makes you feel good and gives you satisfaction you are taking positive steps. It may be hard to overcome but I've realized looking at myself can have some negative thoughts but then I'll get feedback from other people that is positive either directly or indirectly and that makes me realize I'm being overly self critical. If you end up in the sack with some dude and he is having a good time that says a lot - he likes you and is attracted to you to the degree it gets his motor running.

Getting older I'll think back to when I was 20, 30 and think that I really missed the boat. I had the same self doubts back then but, in hindsight, I was really fucking hot in the prime of my youth and could have had almost anyone I wanted with a bit self confidence. Those people that flirted with me I ignored due to lack of self confidence - if I had a do over we would have been getting down to business haha.

At 38 I'm sure you are very much smoking hot even if you have some extra weight here and there. You are at the age when everyone from the 20 somethings up to the 50+ crowd would love to be with you. This may not be easy advice but I've recently read if you act confident (regardless of if you are), people will see you that way and eventually you will feel confident. I've had trouble with this at work so I've been using this there and I see it does help.

BTW At your age I had only slept with 1 person so at 10 you are doing pretty good haha. With 3 longer term situations that tells me you were monogamous with them. Maybe better to keep track of how often you did the deed rather than how many people you did it with. There is no contest to sleep with a ton of different people. Be with who you are attracted to and if that is the same person a lot of times that's great!

 

[Big_a_20]

Anxiety comes from feeling like you’re not enough and you’re not going to deliver on what’s asked of you. You need to be honest with yourself with what your insecurities are and work on them. That means accepting yourself as you are in this moment. “Flaws” and all the great things about yourself all in one. They are what make you “you”.

It’s easy to hop on an app and start comparing yourself to other dudes and tear yourself down because you’re not fit enough or your dick is “small” or ass isn’t big enough etc. but all it does is keep you from living and enjoying life. If you want to make changes, then set up a goal and make a plan and work at it. If you “fail”, own it by figuring out where you went wrong.

No one is perfect so why do you have to be?

At the end of the day we are just meat skeletons, made of stardust, on a rock being thrown through the universe. Everything else is bullshit we put on ourselves. We should just be trying to fill our lives with great memories.

 

[elklindoxxx]

My partner and I go to events for couples. We see people of all sizes and shapes. And I'll tell you something, if you are reasonably decent shape, nobody cares.

You don't need to be the perfect physical specimen to attract attention. Just make sure that you have all the basics down....

1. A sharp looking haircut.
2. Well manicured nails
3. Work out at the gym consistently to get a lean and muscular physique
4. Maintain good hygiene, take a shower every day.
5. Visit your dentist on a regular basis to make sure you have clean teeth. Yes I notice when people bad teeth and bad breath.
6. Be impeccably dressed. Don't look like a fucking slob. My partner and I go to couple events and we always go very well dressed. And so does everybody else. You can only make one first impression.

The above are non negotiables.

 

[AxelRios]

Hi, I'm 30 years old. I I'm from Argentina.
And I can't have sex with anothes men.
The simple chatting is exhausting for my. I force me to meet another men but I juts hate it, and his abs o perfect body or face don't move me. I just feel uncomfortable.
And I love wank me, mi orgasm are so intenses y love touch my dick and watch porn.
But meet others men are impossible for my.
Sorry for my English.