Does my sexual orientation still matter in this situation?

[JiaFei_Dai]

In the past, a person was either heterosexual, homosexual or bisexual.

And everyone seems to be born knowing what they like and what they have sexual desire for.

But I don’t know which one I am, I've never had a crush on anyone,what I like or what my sexual fetishes are. I'm confused about this.

So I started trying in that order in high school, pursuing girls and boys even though I didn't like them at all, just to experience what being in love was so I could figure out what was wrong with me (getting along fine though, but emotionally I'm sorry , I thought I took advantage of them, so I broke up with them nicely and didn't have sex with them.I had no interest in romantic relationships. (I really don’t feel it, I don’t think about it unless someone else mentions it)

Then I thought I might be bisexual...but it didn't seem to fit the definition. Bisexuality is supposed to mean liking both men and women on a romantic, but I'm just not disgusted

After a few relationships, I decided that I might be emotionally deficient and not suitable for a romantic relationship.

Then I got to college and I felt like I needed sex to explore my sexual preference.

I planned to experiment with a range of sexual behaviors and fetishes, not out of lust but just in a scientific spirit to figure out what I liked.

Regarding physical attraction,Idk maybe it’s out of a comparison mentality that I care about other people’s dicks, so I guess I might be more interested in boys’ bodies?

I'll like people and I'll get horny.
But I don’t have that “I really want to have sex with him/her” sexual desire towards others.

Sex comes naturally to other people, but to me it just imitates porn.

Like about oral sex, because people licking in porn are very pleasurable.

At first, I had some expectations about giving oral sex to others.

Let me lick their pussy or dick, I will lick it seriously, and the reviews are also good. After I actually did it, I felt so inexplicable. I sucked and licked it, and let a foreign object enter my mouth. What fun there is in getting in and out, I can't understand.

So that one time when someone gave me a blowjob, I was thinking, "Are you really happy?"

But they seem happy enough to have a cock in their mouth.

Although I don't understand it, I respect and bless him. Thank you for your selfless service.

I have no problem having sex with both men and women. If anyone wants to have sex with me, I will be happy to cooperate. However, I don’t feel that I have a strong desire to have sex with someone. I even feel that it is better to jerk off with my hands. It's convenient.

Overall I enjoy friendship but am not interested in romance. I like to watch porn and often jerk off, but I have little interest in having sex with others. (But I will also be happy if someone contacts me)

I often jerk off but I don’t really want to have sex with anyone. Is this considered low sexual desire?
So I think I'm asexual or……?

By the way, talk to me more, I'd love to make some friends, and tell interesting stories about your explorations of sexual orientation and kink, or first loves, or something like that. There may be many unexpected experiences due to cultural differences, which makes it interesting. I originally wrote about my experiences exploring sexual fetishes in more detail, but it felt too much like a Erotic Stories.

 

[halcyondays]

You have described asexuality perfectly!

Asexual is either an orientation or a lack of orientation. Your call.

 

[JiaFei_Dai]

You have described asexuality perfectly!

Asexual is either an orientation or a lack of orientation. Your call.

thank you, I actually don’t care too much in recent years, but sometimes I get confused.
Maybe I'm romantically insensitive and my actions and words have no boundaries and I'm not aware of it.
Growing up, everyone in various friend groups doted on me and treated me like a younger brother (even though I was not the youngest). As a result, I used to be a person who liked to act coquettishly and make physical contact (no lust, just natural). I also liked hugging others and even kissing on the cheek, putting my head on other people’s shoulders, holding other people’s hands, looking at palm prints, etc.
Moreover, I have always expressed my love generously and often told others that I love you and like you. I am the kind of person who keeps saying I love you in other people's ears for no reason, and I never feel that it is too intimate. Yes, I just think that everyone is friends, which is normal.
Until some of them like me for it. They thought my behavior was too flirtatious and seductive, that my behavior was something a couple would do, and that I was fishing.
I consider them friends, but they tried to fuck me, which shocked me. (Although I think sex can be done between friends. But many people are more conservative and prefer to have sex in a romantic relationship.)
I have said that I am someone who enjoys friendship but has no interest in romantic relationships, so I am very afraid of people misunderstanding that I am flirting and want to pursue them.
Being liked also feels very troublesome to me.
After realizing this, I felt that my previous behavior was ridiculous, and since then I have become very distant from others. (And now that I am getting older, it is no longer suitable to be like a child)
I would be more distant from women but more comfortable with men. Because it’s easier for women to think I like them and fall in love with me.
But there are still people who like me, and I would think, "Are you sick? I'm trying to be as unlikable as possible." This has made me more restrictive in my thoughts and actions. In fact, I prefer the old me. But now I can't go back to my old self. I always think too much before socializing and hope that I will remain unattractive to others.

 

[Rooker]

Just be you.

 

[AllieHeidi]

I don’t feel that I have a strong desire to have sex with someone. I even feel that it is better to jerk off with my hands. It's convenient.

This, and most of your post, describes asexuality with a hint of autoeroticism. I'll start by saying this: Asexuality =/= low libido

It is possible to have a high libido but not actually have a desire or need to "resolve it" with another person and prefer to self-serve.

I am the same way and went through similar phases before I learned that there was a difference between sexual attraction and romantic attraction. Because I don't desire sex with males or females nor experience sexual attraction to either (I'm sex indifferent), for a while, I was sort of on "autopilot" trying to figure myself out. Long story short, I'm homoromantic and asexual. This just means I prefer romantic relationships with women only but am not sexually attracted to men or women. I have experienced sex with both, and sex with women is more physically enjoyable when there is an emotional connection and I don't feel "out of place" when with a woman. Without an emotional connection, sex is empty and lonely for me, though.

With men, not only did it feel empty and lonely, but it actually caused severe emotional distress and pain because it was like trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. Figuratively and literally. I'm not romantically/emotionally or sexually attracted to men. So, being with them was still going against my nature, regardless of that nature not including the ability to experience sexual attraction, in general.

All in all, I'm against "experimenting" now, because most of my experiments didn't end too well due to the others involved being very sexual people, especially the men. One of them actually resulted in a lot of toxicity and drama because of how much I flip flopped with him due to my own inner confusion. He was bisexual and closeted and only told me because I told him from the beginning that I was experimenting and was at least "99.9% sure I'm a lesbian." I made it clear that I wasn't sexually attracted to him and was trying to figure my shit out. He seemed fine to experiment at first, but I ended up losing control of the situation somehow and things got quite messy.

Needless to say, it did not end well, at all. I don't want to say it was a nightmare but...it was a fucking nightmare. He turned into a fucking nightmare. And I take partial responsibility for it because looking back, I definitely played games with his mind (unintentionally, I was just all over the place). I stopped "experimenting" with people after that because I realized that people can end up getting very hurt and in spite of many of my character flaws, I have no intentions of hurting anyone.

I say all this to say that if you don't have a desire to have sex with anyone, that's fine. More than likely you're asexual and it's best to let people know this upfront if you ever feel a need or desire for any sort of companionship. At the same time, if you tell them you're asexual, they don't take you seriously, engage with you and you decide to take things physical to explore your own sexuality only to realize it's not for you or you're mostly indifferent to sex in general, I don't think they can get upset with you that you're clearly "not into it" and it makes them feel "unwanted/undesired," because you told them from day one. If they choose to be with you anyway, that's on them. So, don't worry about it too much. People like that aren't being fair and it's their own fault for not taking asexuality seriously.

 

[JiaFei_Dai]

This, and most of your post, describes asexuality with a hint of autoeroticism. I'll start by saying this: Asexuality =/= low libido

It is possible to have a high libido but not actually have a desire or need to "resolve it" with another person and prefer to self-serve.

I am the same way and went through similar phases before I learned that there was a difference between sexual attraction and romantic attraction. Because I don't desire sex with males or females nor experience sexual attraction to either (I'm sex indifferent), for a while, I was sort of on "autopilot" trying to figure myself out. Long story short, I'm homoromantic and asexual. This just means I prefer romantic relationships with women only but am not sexually attracted to men or women. I have experienced sex with both, and sex with women is more physically enjoyable when there is an emotional connection and I don't feel "out of place" when with a woman. Without an emotional connection, sex is empty and lonely for me, though.

With men, not only did it feel empty and lonely, but it actually caused severe emotional distress and pain because it was like trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. Figuratively and literally. I'm not romantically/emotionally or sexually attracted to men. So, being with them was still going against my nature, regardless of that nature not including the ability to experience sexual attraction, in general.

All in all, I'm against "experimenting" now, because most of my experiments didn't end too well due to the others involved being very sexual people, especially the men. One of them actually resulted in a lot of toxicity and drama because of how much I flip flopped with him due to my own inner confusion. He was bisexual and closeted and only told me because I told him from the beginning that I was experimenting and was at least "99.9% sure I'm a lesbian." I made it clear that I wasn't sexually attracted to him and was trying to figure my shit out. He seemed fine to experiment at first, but I ended up losing control of the situation somehow and things got quite messy.

Needless to say, it did not end well, at all. I don't want to say it was a nightmare but...it was a fucking nightmare. He turned into a fucking nightmare. And I take partial responsibility for it because looking back, I definitely played games with his mind (unintentionally, I was just all over the place). I stopped "experimenting" with people after that because I realized that people can end up getting very hurt and in spite of many of my character flaws, I have no intentions of hurting anyone.

I say all this to say that if you don't have a desire to have sex with anyone, that's fine. More than likely you're asexual and it's best to let people know this upfront if you ever feel a need or desire for any sort of companionship. At the same time, if you tell them you're asexual, they don't take you seriously, engage with you and you decide to take things physical to explore your own sexuality only to realize it's not for you or you're mostly indifferent to sex in general, I don't think they can get upset with you that you're clearly "not into it" and it makes them feel "unwanted/undesired," because you told them from day one. If they choose to be with you anyway, that's on them. So, don't worry about it too much. People like that aren't being fair and it's their own fault for not taking asexuality seriously.

Thanks for sharing, it helps me a lot.

After I experimented and discovered that I wasn't sexually attracted to other people, I stopped having sex with other people and it didn't affect me that much.It's easy not to have sex with others. I can take charge of my own body.

But the emotional impact will be greater, because social interaction is always inevitable. In the past, when I was young, communication was always very simple. Everyone just made friends and had no other ideas.But when I grew up, everyone always had a lot of thoughts about seeking mates when communicating, but I didn't have such thoughts, which led to many misunderstandings in getting along with others.

Not being romantically inclined is always out of place and people are always discussing relationships and being interested.

When asked if I had a crush on a boy or girl, I said no. People always made fun of me, saying that I was too shy to admit it, and they speculated about my sexual orientation.

Say "asexual," which is too foreign to them to get a confused look.

Establishing a true romantic relationship, I don’t know how to describe it... Even if I occasionally want to find a partner, I always ask myself, do I really need it? The answer is always no.

Even if I officially enter a romantic relationship, I still feel a sense of alienation and feel like I'm just playing "boyfriend."Although Gf/Bf are essentially friends, they always feel different.

It's too painful to force myself to seek a mate, and I don't really plan to find a partner, so it's not a big problem.

In the end, loving myself is the most important thing

 

[AllieHeidi]

In the end, loving myself is the most important thing

This is the only real solution/answer.

In my experience being asexual, to avoid any potential heartache that may spawn as a byproduct of the complexity of the social landscape, I found it easy to just not play the game. I, quite purposefully, keep people at arm's length.

I'm, admittedly, not friendly. I'm not approachable. My fashion choices are lowkey and unremarkable. And as of the last couple of months, I'm no longer interested in adding more souls to my social calendar and my aura definitely reflects this when I'm amongst other people. I have learned to be content with myself and stick with the few friends I've had for years and will see them on occasion, with their spouses and partners, for some wholesome, non-complicated, yet brief, friend time. Partners are out of the question. It is too much of a hassle and I'm not particularly interested in twisting myself in knots to accommodate anyone else because I'm the one who is different in the relationship. It's not worth my time, and certainly not worth my peace.

I have learned to enjoy my own company because when you're asexual you understand that you don't function like 99% of the human population when it comes to interpersonal relationships. It is far too easy for non-verbal communication to be misinterpreted by others and for situations to devolve into awkwardness over time, and I no longer have the patience for it. I have my hobbies. I have my cats. I have my peace (finally). I'm chillin.' I suggest you do the same.

 

[JiaFei_Dai]

I found it easy to just not play the game. I, quite purposefully, keep people at arm's length.

I'm, admittedly, not friendly. I'm not approachable. My fashion choices are lowkey and unremarkable.

I totally feel the same way. This may be the first time I communicate with other asexuals, and your insights make me feel very connected!
I rarely join social games now. I also think this has an impact on my fashion style. No offense, but I think many people dress up to please others, but it doesn’t matter to me anymore. my current choices are more true to myself.

It is too much of a hassle and I'm not particularly interested in twisting myself in knots to accommodate anyone else because I'm the one who is different in the relationship. It's not worth my time, and certainly not worth my peace.

I have learned to enjoy my own company because when you're asexual you understand that you don't function like 99% of the human population when it comes to interpersonal relationships.

Totally agree! Maybe it's because I'm very self-centered and I don't want to change myself just to conform to the crowd. It's a little weird, but I think because I don't love other people, I've become more loving and comfortable with myself.

 

[thickcockjames]

I don’t think we need labels about sexuality but in society it seems to be pretty important to know what’s “bucket” you fall into.

By your description, I’d lean toward asexual for you. But maybe you find something not typically considered sexual to be sexy. Maybe you’re Demi-Sexual and you need a deep emotional connection with someone to feel sexually attracted to them.

Honestly, I wish we lived in a world where none of this mattered but we do. Best of luck to you, and regardless of what label you fall under, just be you and be true to yourself.

 

[AllieHeidi]

I think many people dress up to please others

Funny. I started dressing like a hobo to displease others (mainly men) and draw attention away from myself. If I had my way and knew I'd be left alone when walking in public by myself, I'd dress a lot differently because I used to do so for myself.

I actually like playing around with fashion, accessorizing, and experimenting with different colors. But learned I can't indulge in it because too many men don't know how to act. Oh well. At least I'm saving money.

 

[Rooker]

I spent a couple of years making myself as unattractive as possible on the surface.

 

[JiaFei_Dai]

Funny. I started dressing like a hobo to displease others (mainly men) and draw attention away from myself. If I had my way and knew I'd be left alone when walking in public by myself, I'd dress a lot differently because I used to do so for myself.

I actually like playing around with fashion, accessorizing, and experimenting with different colors. But learned I can't indulge in it because too many men don't know how to act. Oh well. At least I'm saving money.

I'm the same as you. My current dressing style is like hobo. My purpose is somewhat similar to yours. I also try my best not to attract the opposite sex.
I understand you. Being "Male gazed" is always very uncomfortable. Women's situation is always more difficult. The safe environment is compressed and they are prone to massive sexual harassment even on the Internet.
Nowadays, AI is prevalent, and many wretched men are replacing the faces of ordinary women of all ages into pornographic films on a large scale and spreading them. It is really disgusting. (I saw this news recently)
It is easier for pornographic rumors to be spread, and the impact will be more serious. (It is illegal to spread pornographic rumors in our country)
However, the process of safeguarding rights is difficult and long, and it is difficult to achieve good results. I really feel that women are much stronger inside.
Respect all women.

 

[JiaFei_Dai]

I spent a couple of years making myself as unattractive as possible on the surface.

Then why did you do this?Did something happen?

 

[Ready2AddMore]

Most interesting posts I've read in a while. Wow is my reaction so far, Wow! Life is not supposed to be complicated in my opinion. Enjoy it for the gift that it is and relaaaaaaxxxxxx.

 

[Rooker]

Then why did you do this?Did something happen?

Overly sexualized, partially as a result of upbringing. I pursued relationships based on physical attractiveness almost exclusively. I wasn’t “hooking up”. I preferred dating and being bf/gf, even if the relationships moved very fast and we had nothing to talk about.

An attractive woman doesn’t seem cool at all but complimented my eyes? Well let’s turn this into a six-month relationship!

A cute woman connects with me and has a good sense of humor? Bahhh, I’ll just fuck her for a week (if at all) break it off at the first sign of any disagreement.

I used sex as affection. A common tale.

It led to me having sex with a woman while I said no multiple times and never said yes. Very drunk, I said no multiple times and she still blew me and rode me. I always hesitate to deem it rape or even assault because of mixed messages I sent. I could have physically fought her off. It wouldn’t have even been a fight. I gave her an impression I was that kind of guy and it was near the bottom of my spiral.

A silly anecdote kind of sums it up: I was out with a group of mostly women. One of those nights when you’re all over campus and college bars. Just a whirlwind. I met two people. One, I thought she was gorgeous. Ana de Armas like. And she was very into me, but I got the sense it was very flingy for her and we barely even talked, just danced and kissed. When we did talk, it was boring, probably for her too.

The other was super cool. I was not insta-bonered toward her like the brunette, but she legit set my stomach into butterflies with our conversation. After an hour of hanging out, I thought she was absolutely adorable in every way.

I’ll spare you all even more of the rambling details, but I ended the night asking the brunette out to an actual date when she invited me back to her dorm, that led to a shitty three-week “relationship” where we argued more than we fucked.

The blonde and I made out that night and did finger and hand stuff. Then I made sure to be as arrogant a prick as possible until she was thoroughly disgusted with me.

Around that time, I said fuck it. I am going to make myself as unattractive as possible. In retrospect, it was an obvious way for me to see if anyone would truly love me.

The upside is I grew up a lot during that time.

 

[Rooker]

Sorry to hijack the thread.

 

[Meisme]

The best answer has already been said : just enjoy life, don't feel sorry or guilty for being the way you are.
Society is saling labels and categories that all are artificially created, we're free to be the way we are or we want.

 

[celestialone]

I'd say it seems you made a lot of assumptions about how other people think about sex, which, not surprisingly, seems influenced by pornography.

When you watch porn, is it for dick, pussy, or both? That's your answer.

 

[heinz.friedrich]

I often jerk off but I don’t really want to have sex with anyone. Is this considered low sexual desire?
So I think I'm asexual or……?

I dont think this is asexual. In my opinion, you have to distinguish between love/kindness and sexual arousal. You can love somebody without being sexually aroused.

By the way, talk to me more, I'd love to make some friends, and tell interesting stories about your explorations of sexual orientation and kink, or first loves, or something like that. There may be many unexpected experiences due to cultural differences, which makes it interesting. I originally wrote about my experiences exploring sexual fetishes in more detail, but it felt too much like a Erotic Stories.

I asked people from all around the world. They dont differ much. Most of them think sexual arousal is love. If you love someone, you are sexually aroused. But that contradicts the teaching of universal love.

If you read spiritual teachings they nearly all say that you have to love universally, if you want to follow the positive path. But nobody of those spiritual teachers was constantly sexually aroused.

That is also what I think. You can love people, but not be aroused at the same time.

 

[heinz.friedrich]

In the past, a person was either heterosexual, homosexual or bisexual.

And everyone seems to be born knowing what they like and what they have sexual desire for.

But I don’t know which one I am, I've never had a crush on anyone,what I like or what my sexual fetishes are. I'm confused about this.

People are only guessing that you are born this way. But the conversion therapies also dont work most of the time. That is why it is logical to assume that. Otherwise you have to assume the people that make conversion therapy have no clue how to do it.

If you read this forum there are people that changed. But that is not intentional. Only if it is intentional it is worth anything.