Don’t Know What to do With Straight Friend

[justfor_me]

This won’t be a short explanation because there’s a lot to it.

I’ve known this guy (I’ll call him Thomas) for years but only as someone I frequently crossed paths with. He is a straight(?) jock which is my type.

About a year ago was the first time I saw Thomas since the beginning of the pandemic. He does fit the straight jock stereotype but we actually got along really well. For a few months everything was great between us, we worked together and just enjoyed being around each other. The whole time, though, people were spreading rumors that we were hooking up or dating. I was attracted to him but he claimed to be straight and I respected that so I never told him or tried to initiate anything.

Those rumors caused a lot of tension between us, and not the good kind. We would still be around each other but Thomas became more distant. A couple weeks later he got a girlfriend. That is when we basically stopped communicating, partially because his girlfriend was toxic and didn’t like me around him. He was kind of trapped and unhappy in that relationship.

Fast forward to this year, we still cross paths daily but instead of him not engaging with me it’s the other way around. I know he didn’t mean to but he hurt me and I decided to not give him an opportunity to do it again. There was also the part where I was still attracted to him and didn’t want to be a homewrecker. We interacted a few times at the beginning of the year but I acted uninterested and eventually he got the point.

In these last two weeks things have changed. He broke up with his girlfriend and has been talking to me more. I fought it for a long time but I can feel the straight boy charm pulling me back in. It was obvious that I liked him a year ago and I had a feeling he also liked me but I didn’t know how to approach the topic with him then. Now I notice him flirting with me in the same ways he used to and I don’t know what to do or how to read the signals. I can’t tell if he’s just back to his normal self after finally leaving that girl or if he is trying to get my attention.

Speaking of getting my attention, something he does is stretch with his back over the back of a chair and his lower abdomen gets exposed. He did it again a few days ago for an oddly extended period of time, at least 30 seconds. I tried not to look but couldn’t help seeing his happy trail through the side of my eye. I also noticed him turning his head to the side a few times, checking if I was looking, and continuing to stretch when I wasn’t. It seemed as if he wanted me to look but gave up because it was getting weird and I wasn’t the only person around.

In the weeks prior to his breakup he wore grey sweatpants a lot. There were a few times when I could tell he had a semi because his bulge was bigger than normal. That’s one detail I left out about Thomas. He has a big dick and I know this through one of my other friends.

Anyways, getting back to what’s going on, things between Thomas and I are starting to feel like they did at the beginning of our friendship a year ago. The difference is that this time I want more than friendship. I still haven’t told him that, and a year ago I would have said there’s no way I would tell him, but now it doesn’t seem like such a bad idea. I just can’t tell if I’m being delusional and reading too far into things or if he really is sending the signals that I think he is. I don’t want to miss an opportunity but I also don’t want to ruin what’s going well. I was never shy about discussing my skills around him so it’s possible that he wants to test them.

As you can probably tell, my thoughts about this are scattered. I’m usually great at reading people and knowing what to do in these situations. I mostly wrote this for me to process things and reflect but I would also like to get input from others. What should I do? Let things stay the way they are or take the risk? I’ve also thought of the possibility that he might approach me and tell me what I want to tell him but it doesn’t seem very likely given the fact that everyone knows him as straight.

I’ll post updates if there are any developments.

 

[nekowhizz]

I have a straight friend who I've done things with, he likes the attention I give him, and he teases me a lot... but he's not attracted to me, and he won't ever love me, or reciprocate. If you want something from him, be ready for nothing in return. He may just like the attention, most guys do, it validates to him that he's still attractive.

 

[CUBE]

This is gonna be harsh but it’s in your best interest. I’ve been there. Your straight friend is gay baiting you. He gets attention from you on his terms and he knows you like him already. You give. He takes. It’s unfair to you and he will do this forever. Oh, he cares about you but it’s not like how you care about him. You love him on many levels. Yes. You do. You need to get with gay men. You need to feel what positive attention feels like. You need someone that is gay and wants to love you back and fuck the hell out of you because you fucking turn his crank. You go out. Date! When you have a real social life with good gay men, this other guy will be in put in perspective. Otherwise, you are going to twist in the wind with pain and he won’t really even notice.

 

[justfor_me]

I have a straight friend who I've done things with, he likes the attention I give him, and he teases me a lot... but he's not attracted to me, and he won't ever love me, or reciprocate. If you want something from him, be ready for nothing in return. He may just like the attention, most guys do, it validates to him that he's still attractive.

I realize that if anything happened it probably wouldn’t be emotional and we wouldn’t fall in love. It would be purely sexual and I think I’m ok with that, even though it’s not everything I want. I don’t need him to reciprocate anything I would love to just suck him.

This is gonna be harsh but it’s in your best interest. I’ve been there. Your straight friend is gay baiting you. He gets attention from you on his terms and he knows you like him already. You give. He takes. It’s unfair to you and he will do this forever. Oh, he cares about you but it’s not like how you care about him. You love him on many levels. Yes. You do. You need to get with gay men. You need to feel what positive attention feels like. You need someone that is gay and wants to love you back and fuck the hell out of you because you fucking turn his crank. You go out. Date! When you have a real social life with good gay men, this other guy will be in put in perspective. Otherwise, you are going to twist in the wind with pain and he won’t really even notice.

You’re right, what he does is kind of gay baiting. The thing is I’m not sure he is fully straight. He fits the profile and has had girlfriends so I doubt he’s 100% gay but I’m not the only person to question it.

He took advantage of me in the beginning of our friendship and that’s something I recognized when he stopped talking to me. This time it feels different though because he doesn’t seem to want anything from me besides interaction. I think he seeks validation from me now and that’s something I really like. Him wanting my attention is hot and I’m ok with giving it to him.

I see him every weekday and I’m thinking about talking to him tomorrow (probably won’t happen because I’m too scared). Of course I’ll see if I’m still getting the same vibes before that. I might just be delusional but with how things have been I could really see us being in a private relationship.

When it comes to the part where you say I need positive attention from gay men, that’s also true. Unfortunately the gay guys I’m friends with are all bottoms like me and I have no attraction to them. I agree that I need to be in a relationship with a gay guy but it’s difficult for me to find one that isn’t a feminine bottom (that seems to be the majority of us), let alone a masculine jock. This is why most of the guys I’m attracted to are straight.

 

[halcyondays]

BTW it happens to straight guys too. How many times has it happened to me? A male friend gets a new girlfriend who doesn't approve of his male friends and he disappears.

Be honest with him. Tell him what you've told us. You want to be more than friends.

 

[dreamer20]

Thomas is a straight? jock /my type. Pre-pandemic: people spread rumors we were hooking up or dating. Those rumors caused tension between us. Thomas's girlfriend didn't like me around him. That's when we stopped communicating. His girlfriend was toxic, he was unhappy. This year he broke up with his girlfriend and talked to me again. I felt he liked me but didn’t know how to approach the topic with him then. Now I notice him flirting with me in the same ways he used to.. this time I want more than friendship.... What should I do?

Tell him you're glad he's out of that toxic relationship and happy to be friends again. Address his flirting with you. Find out the truth about his feelings with regard to possibly dating you. Would he like that situation or not? Is he just playing with you or would he seriously have a sexual relationship with you?

 

[oliverKj]

I think there’s def something there, I thought I was crazy cause my straight married bud had some mixed signals that I couldn’t understand for years, and I was always worried about making a move and fucking things up.
Well, recently I found out I wasn’t crazy or imagining things lol if u feel some type of way about how the way he is towards u, I’m sure there’s something there, especially if there’s history and u know the person’s behaviour. the only thing tho is that if u really want to do things u need to accept it may be according to his terms and his own time plus the outcome will be mostly sexual and attention seeking, which is totally fine if u r okay with that. I think if there’s feelings involved, mostly from ur side, u need to lower ur expectations and protect urself cause u gonna get hurt.
Establishing rules and boundaries from the start is def key. Mostly ask what he expects from this and make an arrangement.
Even if he comes out as bi eventually and says he’s ready to jump into something with a dude, he’s gonna take time to understand and navigate this whole new phase of his life. That being said, go for it and enjoy the sexual side of things, careful about mixing ur emotions and expectations from him.

 

[NakedBuddy]

My advice is to play hard to get. Be friendly and open, but at the same time, a little distant - that is, when he flirts, don’t flirt back. When he touches you (say, an affectionate pat on the back), accept it, but don’t touch back. Clearly, he wants something…make him work to get it. Make him tell you what it is that he wants…don’t make it easy. My bet is that he’ll eventually take the bait, and you can reel him in if you want. This approach allows you to call the shots.

 

[Johnsmithabcd]

I have a similar situation so very interested in hearing points of view and updates.

 

[hockeydick]

I am in my early 30's, a rural gay who has never had a gay friend in his life. Most of my friends have been straight men. With just about every one of them I can recall a time when I thought they might be interested. I was always too scared to make a move. As I got older I stopped giving a fuck and made a move/told them how I felt at every opportunity. I've had at least 7 straight friends politely reject me, 2 that said "someday when I'm ready", and 1 that rejected me at first but then eventually came out as bi to me in private and we have been fooling around ever since. I know that sounds like a lot but there's dozens more guys I regret not making a move on, including one who I caught looking at my dick once who has since passed away (that one hurts the most cause maybe I could have fixed him). It's a small chance you will get your desired outcome but I would rather try and fail than spend my life wondering what could have happened if I was a little more brave at the time. Tell him, anyone who is advising you not is speaking from the pain of being rejected or hurt by guys like this, and it's more likely than not he will hurt you too, but it's worth the risk I promise. I would rather live with the pain of rejection than the torture of wondering what if. Keep us updated.

 

[Jkloppa]

Unless he initiates anything if it were me I wouldn't be doing anything. You said you notice his semi. If he's trying to grab your attention, you could be doing the same.

 

[al1011]

Bring him to a Korean Spa and see how he reacts.

 

[AustinZauce]

This is my first ever comment in this site, but I wanted to chime in. -clears throat- Hello? Wow. Is this what I sound like? It’s good to have a voice!

As someone else said, he’s gay baiting. I’ve had my share of hot straight jock best friends do this to me - but I din’t want to project their decisions onto your friendship. However, the likely truth is that he doesn’t romantically love you and never will. There’s a chance he’d be willing to hook up with you *once* - with extreme criteria for the circumstance. After that most straight guys would be internally devastated (even more so if it rocked his world) and likely ghost you. :/

You will most likely not be able to get that far.

You deserve to have healthy relationships in your social circle. This guy is a self-sabotaging tease. It’s poor boundaries you have for yourself. In the unfortunately small chance that it could be something healthy (don’t get your hopes up for more than an occasional platonic hook up), the only realistic scenario is that you find a moment where you are alone and bonded and casually slip in that you’d always be down to mess around if he ever was curious. He’d just have to make that first move since you respect his boundaries. Then quickly dip out of that subject and into the next one.

If he flakes at that point, good riddance. If not, it’ll simmer for a while. Now he knows. Now you’ve communicated. The balls’ in his court. He probably won’t ever go for it, and that’s ok. You guys can have a life-long platonic friendship with a bit of friendly teasing like you’ve had. :’) <3

Don’t expect him to ‘like you’ in any other way. *That* is what will ruin your friendship. Having that hope in the back of your mind will subconsciously alter your perception of his reactions, choices, and emotions. Remember that ‘bromances’ are real. In the way that you can lock eyes deeply with your female best friend who you know *so well* and trust whole-heartedly - without ever wanting to fuck her - is the same way a straight guy can feel about another dude. It’s actually healthy and beautiful!

I hope I didn’t sound rude. And I do hope it goes extremely well for you! We need an update eventually.

My recommendation is to let him know you’re down to mess around whenever he decides to, and that you’ll be respectful aside from that. Respect means not lingering in the hope of sex or romance. Although, there is still a very small chance that friendship could root into mind-blowing sex, which could blossom into romance and a huge growth-phase for him. It’s possible. It happens. But it doesn’t need to.

My experience I’m pulling from? Well, I study psychology and sociology as a hobby. Lol Also, I’ve had this scenario with 7 different straight jocks over the years. It got messy with all of them. All of them fell in love with me - and part of the blame was my own! I needed them to love me. So my actions enticed them closer to me, and that made things messy. Some of them came close to making that huge growth-phase step, but none of them did. All of them eventually were no longer a part of my life - and every single one left me broken.

What do I do now? I don’t allow myself to fall in love with straight guys. Boundaries are boundaries. I watch myself so I know I’m not directing the flow of the dynamic in that direction. If they have some private epiphany, they will have to share it with me because I’ll be innocent and oblivious! And now I only look for guys who are confidently into guys. It’s dramatically less messy, and I get the worship I DESERVE without any of the drama or questioning if I’m good enough.

Good luck!

 

[thongboy]

Why don't you just value his friendship and enjoy it on that level? It's enough that you like each other as people, so stop assuming that it will lead to a fuck

 

[deleted22286771]

I can only speak from my experience in my two cent and it's very limited because I'm not attracted to st8 guys like everyone else.

But my first crush I was head over hills for a st8 or st8ish guy. Was last year of HS and I'd ignored all these attractions to this point. I couldn't for this guy. The moe I knew, the more I wanted to know. It drove me crazy. I couldn't speak around, had panic attacks. Eventually I asked a friend of a friend, rejected and I could finally move on. I asked for me, I didn't want to regret not asking.

Your sorta asking can I just say how I feel or do I have to wait for the stars align or the one drank night he finally realizes he was in love with you the whole time. My answer would be how do you wanna live your life. If you want him, go get him and show him how much you care, love, or want him. If he rejects you then you can let your heart move on. If your good friends it'll stick no matter what, if your not it last until his next girl friend.

I was afraid of my gay side until I found a loving partner and then I didn't care what anyone thought.

 

[Beefderky]

First of all, address how he was a dick to you by growing distant bc of rumors and then all together ignoring you bc of his gf. Take charge and demand an apology for being a horrible friend.

Second, ask him why he wants to reconnect. Wasn't he happy knowing there weren't rumors anymore about you two? Wasn't his gf worth throwing a friendship out the window for?

I would then just admit to him that you've had a crush on him for awhile because he was this great guy who was fun to be around but you didn't realize how weak of a person he was when it came to how others viewed him. Then state that now that the secrets out that you don't really expect him to stick around now that the truth is out.

Ask him why he seems to be baiting you. Baiting for looks and attention, baiting for your attention. If he wants you to look then he should just say it. If he wants more, then just be upfront. Tell him how you always found him to be an attractive guy and how he use to be a good friend, that you would still be comfortable exploring with him if he was curious. But that offers only on the table if he can stop being such a jerk and be honest.

Haha that's how I would kind of go about it. Anyways, good luck to you. I would definitely say something since it feels like he could genuinely be curious being with a guy but also scared. Just talk it out with him but point out that you aren't a friend of convenience and will not be their beck and call.

 

[SilentButDeadly]

Why don't you just value his friendship and enjoy it on that level? It's enough that you like each other as people, so stop assuming that it will lead to a fuck

They think this is a porno and not real life

 

[lilcamel]

Had a "straight" friend back in the day. Once he pulled it out, it was over.

 

[PlatonicHardOn]

How about saying something like, "Look, I feel like sometimes you're doing things to stir up sexual interest on my part. And here's what they are:

• . Now, are you doing this on purpose? If you want something from me, it's better to tell me directly. I don't hit on dudes who say they are straight because that's exhausting and I don't have the time for all the drama that can entail."

 

[deleted22066121]

OK, like a few others above me, I have never joined into this kind of discussion on here, or made a comment before, but here goes: I'm a lot older than you I think. I am also straight, married even though I have played around on occasion when I was younger and with my wife joining in during our marriage. Not a lot, but enough. And I worked in show business and many, many close friends of mine are gay, bi, or fluid. My thoughts:

Is he "gay baiting?" Maybe. Are you sending out signals that encourage or enable that? Seems like it. Hey, try just being friends. Be friends. Two human beings who like and respect each other and hopefully have the same interests, hobbies or passions. It's not always about sex, someone's sexual drive or hormones.

Be friends. If anything else is meant to happen it will happen. Kind of simple, straightforward and a bit blunt, but my experience is that's the deal. If you're friends be friends. If you can't just do that, find other people and things to spend your time with and let it evolve naturally. Good luck.