Explaining My Attraction to Men to my Girlfriend

[alexeddl]

Hello—

Looking for advice on how to explain this. Basically

1. My(28) girlfriend (26) knows I’m bisexual (but hetero-romantic). She’s also dated/experimented with women.
2. We are in a closed relationship and pending a conversation otherwise that might stay that way.
3. I love her enormously and want to build a life with her. I also want to continue being super honest with her.
4. I am also deeply sexually attracted to men (as well as women) and love non emotional sex with men and women.

My gf has a preconception, grounded in some personal experience and anecdote that men who are “bisexual” are one step closer to just wanting to only date men. I am hoping to explain to her that 1.) I love her 2.) my attraction to men is purely carnal (I love the thought of fcking the occasional twink and gagging on cock, So arrest me) and I couldn’t imagine long term relationships with men. I am with her wholly.

Any advice from guys who’ve had similar experiences? I really want to stress that there’s no chance of me ever leaving her for a man, I just love dudes for the fun of it.

 

[deleted29181791]

I think at some point it simply becomes a matter of trust. My experience wasn't quite similar but in college I briefly dated a bi woman who had that same generalization about bi men. I remember telling her, "If I wanted to date men, why would I be dating you?" and she'd say, "Maybe you're still questioning or maybe you just haven't met the right guy yet" and I'd reply, "Listen, from the bottom of my heart, I have a better chance of winning the powerball than falling in love with a man. I guarantee you, I'm not built that way. But if you're always going to be living with the irrational fear that Mr. Right Guy is always lurking around the corner ready to snatch me up, this isn't going to work out." Eventually it didn't work out, we broke up, she dated another dude for a while and they broke up and then SHE came out as a lesbian. So there's some irony for you.

 

[Sagittarius84]

My gf has a preconception, grounded in some personal experience and anecdote that men who are “bisexual” are one step closer to just wanting to only date men. I am hoping to explain to her that 1.) I love her 2.) my attraction to men is purely carnal (I love the thought of fcking the occasional twink and gagging on cock, So arrest me) and I couldn’t imagine long term relationships with men. I am with her wholly.

I think this is your wall. She's positiing and projecting this preconception, but I really think she's telling you in a covert way she's probably going to lose respect, admiration, and sexual attraction for you, even though that may be hypocritical to the social ideology she wants to represent. I don't think it's any different than the subconscious TERFiness many straight women have; willing to fight tooth and nail to extend womanhood to transwomen as per their social ideology, but having an inate sexual aversion to men that have previously sexually engaged with trans women.
Maybe you can introduce baby steps, maybe she uses a strap on, or you guys invite a woman who will...but the perspective on bi men says to me the instant she sees or is aware that you have sexually engaged with another man(and not just and aspect of your past) she's going to be out.
I will say, her knowing you've previously engaged with men and being with you now puts her volumes ahead of most women, but the fact that she doesn't seem turned on by the prospect of seeing or knowing you still do is a big indication that she's not going to be ok with you doing it more....
Have you ever discussed in an open sense you interacting with other women while she's there? Is her take on that any different?

 

[elklindoxxx]

Hello—

Looking for advice on how to explain this. Basically

1. My(28) girlfriend (26) knows I’m bisexual (but hetero-romantic). She’s also dated/experimented with women.
2. We are in a closed relationship and pending a conversation otherwise that might stay that way.
3. I love her enormously and want to build a life with her. I also want to continue being super honest with her.
4. I am also deeply sexually attracted to men (as well as women) and love non emotional sex with men and women.

My gf has a preconception, grounded in some personal experience and anecdote that men who are “bisexual” are one step closer to just wanting to only date men. I am hoping to explain to her that 1.) I love her 2.) my attraction to men is purely carnal (I love the thought of fcking the occasional twink and gagging on cock, So arrest me) and I couldn’t imagine long term relationships with men. I am with her wholly.

Any advice from guys who’ve had similar experiences? I really want to stress that there’s no chance of me ever leaving her for a man, I just love dudes for the fun of it.

When I got into a relationship with my current partner. I never enquired into her sexual history and vice versa. That's something really personal and it's none of my business. I only wanted to know is if there was something in her history that would affect our relationship. Contrary to what you have heard from other people, your girlfriend is not entitled to know all of the details of your inner life. Now I assume that you will not go out and cheat on her. So by no means are you obliged to reveal whatever kinks or fantasies that you have with men or whatever it may be.

For my partner and I, it was only when we were more serious. And well into an open relationship until she asked me straight out if I had sex with men before, and I said yes. And she admitted that she had sex with other women. It was not salacious or titillating. But it was a serious discussion about our sexuality and how we could incorporate it into our relationship.

Now if you do intend on going with other men, you need to find some way of explaining it to your girlfriend. I strongly suggest seeking a therapist to get their opinion. My partner and I went to a therapist when we opened up our relationship. It was the best money that we ever spent.

 

[Brodie888]

The problem isn't you, it's her. She is insecure about not being able to compete with someone with a penis.

This is stupid really. There's no difference between you running off with a guy being bisexual and a straight guy who is a breast man running off with another woman with double Ds.

You've told her you are bisexual with a greater heterosexual side. She either accepts it for what it is or you are better off breaking up now than doing it later when you have kids in the picture.

 

[Mushrhoom]

Hello—

Looking for advice on how to explain this. Basically

1. My(28) girlfriend (26) knows I’m bisexual (but hetero-romantic). She’s also dated/experimented with women.
2. We are in a closed relationship and pending a conversation otherwise that might stay that way.
3. I love her enormously and want to build a life with her. I also want to continue being super honest with her.
4. I am also deeply sexually attracted to men (as well as women) and love non emotional sex with men and women.

My gf has a preconception, grounded in some personal experience and anecdote that men who are “bisexual” are one step closer to just wanting to only date men. I am hoping to explain to her that 1.) I love her 2.) my attraction to men is purely carnal (I love the thought of fcking the occasional twink and gagging on cock, So arrest me) and I couldn’t imagine long term relationships with men. I am with her wholly.

Any advice from guys who’ve had similar experiences? I really want to stress that there’s no chance of me ever leaving her for a man, I just love dudes for the fun of it.

I'm 76. Like you, I;m bi, It's good that you two are communicating openly and honestly about this. You may or may not remain strictly hetero-romantic, long-term and and at "only" 28 your feelings may evolve over time. My advice is to either stay single or structure your relationship to allow for ongoing review without acrimony. Good luck.

 

[Sagittarius84]

The problem isn't you, it's her. She is insecure about not being able to compete with someone with a penis.

This is stupid really. There's no difference between you running off with a guy being bisexual and a straight guy who is a breast man running off with another woman with double Ds.

I disagree, the social dynamics of men and women, especially sexually, typically means there's a huge difference(and least in the perception of the female partner), in what extramarital or outside-of-the-relationship dalliances take place. Biologically( even if they don't consciously or ideologically agree) the ability or act of attracting another woman for sex tends to up his partner value in her eyes, preselection being what it is and all. That preselective marker doesn't really apply in homoerotic situations because that which makes a man attractive to another man typically does not serve or satiate a woman's desire in what she wants from a man.
It's definitely a hypocrisy in ideology, but it tracks pretty logically in stark biological terms.

 

[Brodie888]

I disagree, the social dynamics of men and women, especially sexually, typically means there's a huge difference(and least in the perception of the female partner), in what extramarital or outside-of-the-relationship dalliances take place. Biologically( even if they don't consciously or ideologically agree) the ability or act of attracting another woman for sex tends to up his partner value in her eyes, preselection being what it is and all. That preselective marker doesn't really apply in homoerotic situations because that which makes a man attractive to another man typically does not serve or satiate a woman's desire in what she wants from a man.
It's definitely a hypocrisy in ideology, but it tracks pretty logically in stark biological terms.

Well I have to disagree with that in return.

A woman would be thinking "what can I do to keep my partner satisfied so they won't go elsewhere outside the relationship? "

Now if what the guy wants is a cock down his throat, how is she going to satisfy that need?

 

[Sagittarius84]

Well I have to disagree with that in return.

A woman would be thinking "what can I do to keep my partner satisfied so they won't go elsewhere outside the relationship? "

Now if what the guy wants is a cock down his throat, how is she going to satisfy that need?

I don't understand exactly what you disagree with, your point kind of reinforces mine in that that which a man might want from another man is something she both cannot provide nor coexist with. Assuming other relationship parameters are met/exceeded by the man in question I think a far greater number of women would resign to a compete/coexist construct with another woman or multiple women, than to tolerate that when other men are involved, or to augment an existing saying, I think far more women would happily sign up to be one of the King's mistresses than the wife of a bisexual peasant in a throuple.

 

[Sagittarius84]

My gf has a preconception, grounded in some personal experience and anecdote that men who are “bisexual” are one step closer to just wanting to only date men. I am hoping to explain to her that 1.) I love her 2.) my attraction to men is purely carnal (I love the thought of fcking the occasional twink and gagging on cock, So arrest me) and I couldn’t imagine long term relationships with men. I am with her wholly.

I think this preconception is more rooted in a truth of the common sexual dynamics that exist between men and women in a relationship, specifically that of behavioral incentive. I think a lot of the perception of bisexual men only eventually wanting to date men is a subtle acknowledgement that perhaps without the position of sexual gatekeeper, a lot of women would be unable to attain, or retain commitment, or any number of their aims and amicabilities within the relationship itself, at least not in a manner they are comfortable within.

 

[Brodie888]

I don't understand exactly what you disagree with, your point kind of reinforces mine in that that which a man might want from another man is something she both cannot provide nor coexist with. Assuming other relationship parameters are met/exceeded by the man in question I think a far greater number of women would resign to a compete/coexist construct with another woman or multiple women, than to tolerate that when other men are involved, or to augment an existing saying, I think far more women would happily sign up to be one of the King's mistresses than the wife of a bisexual peasant in a throuple.

My point is that it makes no difference if the outside person is male or female if the woman wants a monogamous relationship.

But in this circumstance, we have a man who has admitted that he likes both men ans women, so she is capable of fulfilling the woman needs he has but she can't fulfil the homosexual needs her partner has.

 

[deleted29181791]

I disagree, the social dynamics of men and women, especially sexually, typically means there's a huge difference(and least in the perception of the female partner), in what extramarital or outside-of-the-relationship dalliances take place. Biologically( even if they don't consciously or ideologically agree) the ability or act of attracting another woman for sex tends to up his partner value in her eyes, preselection being what it is and all. That preselective marker doesn't really apply in homoerotic situations because that which makes a man attractive to another man typically does not serve or satiate a woman's desire in what she wants from a man.
It's definitely a hypocrisy in ideology, but it tracks pretty logically in stark biological terms.

But there's a pretty substantial difference between a man in a relationship simply being attractive to other women and the man either cheating with those other women or dumping his gf for them. A woman might like if her partner was seen as desirable by other women but she sure as hell wouldn't like it if he ran off with another one. So at the end of the day, whether she fears he's going to cheat on her with a man or a woman, the root cause is trust issues.

 

[Sagittarius84]

A woman might like if her partner was seen as desirable by other women but she sure as hell wouldn't like it if he ran off with another one. So at the end of the day, whether she fears he's going to cheat on her with a man or a woman, the root cause is trust issues

The idea of "men running off to be with the other woman" is an artificial construct as in it isn't so much a male tendency(we tend to be aggregate in our sexual opportunism), but rather a reconciliation for the societal expectation of monogamy...it's also an inaccurate projection of behaviors thrust upon us by women who themselves are more likely to monkey branch off to other suitors, and so assume we would do the same.
The root cause being identified as trust is a convenient euphemism to not ever have to consider loss of power, a much less flattering concern.

 

[Sagittarius84]

What do women think of bisexual men?
Quite bit of ideological cope and plausible deniability offered here, but at least a couple of the women that answered were starkly honest as to how they and most women would likely respond to their male partners bisexual desires; you should take note OP.

 

[678wsb]

What do women think of bisexual men?
Quite bit of ideological cope and plausible deniability offered here, but at least a couple of the women that answered were starkly honest as to how they and most women would likely respond to their male partners bisexual desires; you should take note OP.

Honestly, I don't see the point in sharing that you're bisexual if you're in a monogamous relationship.

 

[Sagittarius84]

Honestly, I don't see the point in sharing that you're bisexual if you're in a monogamous relationship.

I think there's a fair percentage of the other potential half of said monogamous relationships that would greatly appreciate that information prior to commitment, given how it seems to so often rear its head within relationships after the fact.
Probably not a lot of wives are going to really receptive to their husbands purported dedication to heterosexual monogamy when they find their gay porn stash.

 

[bigboaster]

Honestly, I don't see the point in sharing that you're bisexual if you're in a monogamous relationship.

Well there is such a thing as communication and honesty with your partner. That seems like a pretty standard aspect of a successful relationship. Not sure any partner would appreciate their lover keeping a huge aspect of themselves hidden like that

 

[Voltaire2]

I think there's a fair percentage of the other potential half of said monogamous relationships that would greatly appreciate that information prior to commitment, given how it seems to so often rear its head within relationships after the fact.
Probably not a lot of wives are going to really receptive to their husbands purported dedication to heterosexual monogamy when they find their gay porn stash.

My former wife found my gay porn and showed me a magazine and she said “so you like both” and smiled. We are not together today for other reasons but she was cool with my sexuality. We even looked at some gay porn together once or twice. Most of her close friends were gay men though. She even said to me once during sex it’s ok if you want to think about men. That certainly helped me to come. So you would be surprised that some women are accepting of some level of homosexuality in their husband.

 

[Sagittarius84]

My former wife found my gay porn and showed me a magazine and she said “so you like both” and smiled. We are not together today for other reasons but she was cool with my sexuality. We even looked at some gay porn together once or twice. Most of her close friends were gay men though. She even said to me once during sex it’s ok if you want to think about men. That certainly helped me to come. So you would be surprised that some women are accepting of some level of homosexuality in their husband.

I'm never surprised at there being outliers in any situation, I just don't think it productive, especially as a man dealing with women in relationships, to think of those outliers as realistic outcomes. I also understand that much like sex, women have multitudes more reasons for "acceptance" than we as men do, and that what a lot of men think is acceptance and love, is really civilized tolerance until a better option arises, or as a transactional/socioeconomic finality.
I think the only significant percentage of the microcosm of women whom are genuinely ok and accepting of their husband's homoeroticism went into the relationship with that knowledge; I suspect most of those whom found out after the fact have found other ways to reconcile or simply haven't acted yet.

 

[Voltaire2]

I'm never surprised at there being outliers in any situation, I just don't think it productive, especially as a man dealing with women in relationships, to think of those outliers as realistic outcomes. I also understand that much like sex, women have multitudes more reasons for "acceptance" than we as men do, and that what a lot of men think is acceptance and love, is really civilized tolerance until a better option arises, or as a transactional/socioeconomic finality.
I think the only significant percentage of the microcosm of women whom are genuinely ok and accepting of their husband's homoeroticism went into the relationship with that knowledge; I suspect most of those whom found out after the fact have found other ways to reconcile or simply haven't acted yet.

I should have added this happened when I moved in with her but before we married. She had a lesbian experience when she was in graduate school but the other woman did all the work. (The other woman was a lesbian and went down on her). And most of her friends were gay men.