Gay, 40+ Hung and Black! Let's TALK

[TDJ6]

I wanted to create a thread where Gay Black Men in their 40's can come and chat.

I'm 42, and I gotta say being in your 40's makes you look back on your life differently. (Therapy also helped me personally).
WE have seen so much change in the world... from technology, to media, and most importantly how things have changed as far as what is socially acceptable.

We also came up from a generation that was very openly anti-Gay, and anti-Feelings. It's interesting that in the past decade or so the world has become so accepting of these things, but for US we had to live through a time where we couldn't be ourselves and we kind of internalized a lot of the hateful public opinions about ourselves.

Now that's just MY experience, and ofcourse everybody walks a different road.
But I just thought this would be a cool safe space for us to talk about anything.

How we feel in gay spaces.
How stereotypes in media, and in gay porn, have made us feel.
How we and other POC Gays really had to deal with racist gays, and how other gays would defend their racism.
I mean we got A LOT to talk about so lets get the ball rolling.

 

[deleted16748721]

Morning

 

[TDJ6]

Morning

Hey, welcome!
how's it going today?

 

[brwayne1]

43 here, glad we have a thread!

 

[TDJ6]

43 here, glad we have a thread!

should i post a new topic like once a week.
how should this thread go?

 

[brwayne1]

Writing prompts always help me. I recently have been struggling with the after effects of being treated as a BBC for so many years. Now in a committed relationship, I struggle with any sex that is beyond me sitting back and either my bf riding my cock or getting serviced. I've put so much pressure on myself to perform, I struggle. Anyone else have that struggle or gotten through it?

 

[TDJ6]

Writing prompts always help me. I recently have been struggling with the after effects of being treated as a BBC for so many years. Now in a committed relationship, I struggle with any sex that is beyond me sitting back and either my bf riding my cock or getting serviced. I've put so much pressure on myself to perform, I struggle. Anyone else have that struggle or gotten through it?

YES!!

I was gonna say our first topic should be about feeling used (by white guys) for our dick and basically the feeling of having your humanity stripped away where you are literally JUST A DICK to them.

I definitely struggle with that. Because for so long, I thought that my dick was the only value I had in the gay community.

I'm happy you're in a committed relationship though, that's great to hear!

 

[brwayne1]

YES!!

I was gonna say our first topic should be about feeling used (by white guys) for our dick and basically the feeling of having your humanity stripped away where you are literally JUST A DICK to them.

I definitely struggle with that. Because for so long, I thought that my dick was the only value I had in the gay community.

I'm happy you're in a committed relationship though, that's great to hear!

I really was angry about it for a while, the expectation that I'm some black bull who is insatiable and ravenous. I resented it for a long time but now i'm conditioned to respond to it almost. Its crazy and I'm trying to rewire my brain to not see people seeing me as a piece of meat. The, I've always wanted to be with a black guy, or the requests for a rape fantasy, or race play. Ugh. I'm glad I found someone who realizes I'm not the stereotype although part of me thinks he would prefer that to regular old me haha.

 

[Cum_is_Great]

Well, I'm not 40 yet but in my 30s. This is an interesting topic. I unfortunately have not been able to connect to my fellow black people. I internalized a lot of the homophobia expressed over the years by them. The environment was and still is to some degree hyper-masculine. Anything that was even a hint of being feminine immediately had you called a f slur and made fun of. Like you said, no expressing or showing/talking of feelings other than happiness(and not too much or in the wrong way) and anger(no limit. The angrier the better sometimes. Especially in terms of "respect")

As a result I stayed away from most of my people. Not to mention my being a nerdy guy and having no initerest in sports or music.

As for the gay community and that side. I barely allowed myself to even dive into it. I absorbed the homophobia and hated myself as a result. But even if I did try to connect to the gay community, it wouldn't have worked because I wad and still am obese. So far the two of you who have responded are in great shape. I don't know if you've always been in such shape but you do not get treated well by standard gay guys if not fit. On top of the racial aspect, I found both communities I innately am a part of not accepting of me. It was pretty bad.

Years later and lots of therapy, I'm starting to fix myself and improve my life outlook. I'm still a work in progress. I missed out on many milestones growing up. I still have never been in a relationship, still have feelings of I don't deserve it nor will ever find it unfortunately.

Anyway, I feel like I'm rambling. Just wanted to post something and will check in on the thread later.

 

[TDJ6]

Well, I'm not 40 yet but in my 30s. This is an interesting topic. I unfortunately have not been able to connect to my fellow black people. I internalized a lot of the homophobia expressed over the years by them. The environment was and still is to some degree hyper-masculine. Anything that was even a hint of being feminine immediately had you called a f slur and made fun of. Like you said, no expressing or showing/talking of feelings other than happiness(and not too much or in the wrong way) and anger(no limit. The angrier the better sometimes. Especially in terms of "respect")

As a result I stayed away from most of my people. Not to mention my being a nerdy guy and having no initerest in sports or music.

As for the gay community and that side. I barely allowed myself to even dive into it. I absorbed the homophobia and hated myself as a result. But even if I did try to connect to the gay community, it wouldn't have worked because I wad and still am obese. So far the two of you who have responded are in great shape. I don't know if you've always been in such shape but you do not get treated well by standard gay guys if not fit. On top of the racial aspect, I found both communities I innately am a part of not accepting of me. It was pretty bad.

Years later and lots of therapy, I'm starting to fix myself and improve my life outlook. I'm still a work in progress. I missed out on many milestones growing up. I still have never been in a relationship, still have feelings of I don't deserve it nor will ever find it unfortunately.

Anyway, I feel like I'm rambling. Just wanted to post something and will check in on the thread later.

I've not been in a relationship ever myself. I've always been pretty skinny... and that's why I tend to check myself sometimes when I get into my self-pity. Because I know being skinny is like a gay privilege so I try not to complain too much about feeling alone.

and you are spot on, especially in the 90's... you had to be HARD and follow that whole gangsta look to even be considered BLACK lol! which is really sad.

I know for me, I had two points in my life where I jumped head first into the gay community. When I was 18/19 I was so eager to go to the gay clubs and connect with "MY PEOPLE"... and than again when I was like 30 I wanted to date so I dived back in.
No luck though! but I'm still kinda hopeful.

 

[brwayne1]

Well, I'm not 40 yet but in my 30s. This is an interesting topic. I unfortunately have not been able to connect to my fellow black people. I internalized a lot of the homophobia expressed over the years by them. The environment was and still is to some degree hyper-masculine. Anything that was even a hint of being feminine immediately had you called a f slur and made fun of. Like you said, no expressing or showing/talking of feelings other than happiness(and not too much or in the wrong way) and anger(no limit. The angrier the better sometimes. Especially in terms of "respect")

As a result I stayed away from most of my people. Not to mention my being a nerdy guy and having no initerest in sports or music.

As for the gay community and that side. I barely allowed myself to even dive into it. I absorbed the homophobia and hated myself as a result. But even if I did try to connect to the gay community, it wouldn't have worked because I wad and still am obese. So far the two of you who have responded are in great shape. I don't know if you've always been in such shape but you do not get treated well by standard gay guys if not fit. On top of the racial aspect, I found both communities I innately am a part of not accepting of me. It was pretty bad.

Years later and lots of therapy, I'm starting to fix myself and improve my life outlook. I'm still a work in progress. I missed out on many milestones growing up. I still have never been in a relationship, still have feelings of I don't deserve it nor will ever find it unfortunately.

Anyway, I feel like I'm rambling. Just wanted to post something and will check in on the thread later.

I feel you, so many people have told me in certain and not so certain terms that I'm not enough and that has been the central struggle for me. From the kids at the white school I went to for being black and from the 13 other black kids saying I wasn't black enough. Then to my 20's and 30's with the silence on dating apps aside from the guys proposing what i mentioned in my earlier posts, it was and is still rough. Lately I've been focusing on being comfortable in my own body and to cherish it. I know I have privileges that others don't and really focusing on people to surround myself with who like and love me for me. And tossing away people who want me for my cock or to add a black friend to their circles. Nerdz rule btw

 

[TDJ6]

I thought we would have more participants by this point.
Oh well.

Should we switch topics.

Maybe we can just get to know each other better.

I'm 42, single (never had a boyfriend), I came out when I was 30... but I had basically been OUT for a while. That kinda unspoken thing. I mean I went out to gay clubs and had gay friends.
I grew up in Northern California and 6 years ago moved to Atlanta. Since I been here I haven't really been having sex... but the gay sex scene in Atlanta is a whole different topic.

I've never had a boyfriend. I suppose I've gotten close, but just never fully happened.
Also I've flirted for so long with the idea of getting into porn and I've come close but still never fully happened.
I foolishly thought I would be a great writer by now... so I never went into porn scared that if I did, it would ruin any opportunities I might have as a writer.
Shoulda just did porn. Sigh!

Ok let me stop... tell me more about yourselves please.

 

[Cum_is_Great]

I never like to go into my life because I always become negative.

I'm 34, and haven't officially come out. Though I'm sure everyone knows or suspects by now. You don't get to my age without ever having a girlfriend without people suspecting you being gay. I've also as I said before, never had a boyfriend. I was a virgin until 29. Family is somewhat religious and have said some pretty mean things about gay people growing up.

Lived in the same state and house all my life. Grew up in and still am in poverty. To be honest I know I have so many problems and negative traits I purposefully eliminate myself from the dating pool. I've kind of accepted I will be alone lol. And I kind of prefer it now.

I don't really know what else to say. I always get self conscious talking about myself as I'm not that interesting and negative. Lol

 

[Jeffer2580]

I feel you, so many people have told me in certain and not so certain terms that I'm not enough and that has been the central struggle for me. From the kids at the white school I went to for being black and from the 13 other black kids saying I wasn't black enough. Then to my 20's and 30's with the silence on dating apps aside from the guys proposing what i mentioned in my earlier posts, it was and is still rough. Lately I've been focusing on being comfortable in my own body and to cherish it. I know I have privileges that others don't and really focusing on people to surround myself with who like and love me for me. And tossing away people who want me for my cock or to add a black friend to their circles. Nerdz rule btw

That's the spirit

 

[rd62624]

welcome to the forum

 

[Jeffer2580]

welcome to the forum

Thanks love

 

[Billfromaccounting]

Heyyyy. I’m so happy this thread exists. I’m Black, 41, and gay and truly look forward to getting to know people here (not for sex but for community).

 

[TDJ6]

Heyyyy. I’m so happy this thread exists. I’m Black, 41, and gay and truly look forward to getting to know people here (not for sex but for community).

THanks for joining the convo.
anything you wanna add?

 

[emmyfan]

Hi everyone! Thank you for creating this thread. There is soo much to unpack here from being thought of because your dick size to being ignored because of being black.

 

[Billfromaccounting]

THanks for joining the convo.
anything you wanna add?

Yes, like some of you I have internalized homophobia that I’ve mostly combated successfully I think, but there is also this void of self-acceptance that I haven’t fully embraced.