Gay friend questioning my sexuality

[deleted28504631]

So one of my best friends is gay and he's one of the very, very few people I've come out to as bi. Well, we were talking about the trailer of the new Gladiator movie and how all the women and the gays on tiktok and twitter were going nuts for Paul Mescal and Pedro Pascal (and even Joseph Quinn??). I said, to my friend's utter shock, that none of those guys were hot for me. He was like, "What? Not even Pedro?!" and I was like, nah.

So he was like, "Listen, I say this with love, but you rarely find any guys attractive, and when you do they're always perfect 10s, gorgeous, muscled af, etc. Basically, a straight guy's idea of a hot guy. Are you sure you're really bi and not just a very, very curious hetero?"

And I mean, all of that is true and we've had that conversation before, like in gay bars he'd point out guys like "would you fuck that one?" and very, very rarely the answer is yes. So sure, I find a very small percentage of men attractive, definitely way less than the average gay man does. And it's the opposite for women, because I do find many women attractive all the time, at the gym, walking down the street, etc. I mean, I sat through the entire Madame Web because Sydney Sweeney, Isabela Merced and Celeste O'Connor are all a bunch of baddies.

But the handful of men I do find hot turn me on more than almost any woman. Like, if it was a choice between fucking a hot woman and a man I find hot, I know I'd choose the man 90% of the time.

So where does that leave me? I would think that should mean I'm at least bi, if not outright gay, when roughly 95% of my sex fantasies, 75% of the porn I watch and 80% of the times I jerk off are all about men. I can jerk off to just pics of the face of a hot guy or pics of him fully clothed, whereas with women I can only jerk off to really sexy pics/video or porn. And with men, my dick gets harder, the orgasm is more intense and I cum faster than with women.

I don't know, but I think that says "gay af."

 

[briacon429]

So one of my best friends is gay and he's one of the very, very few people I've come out to as bi. Well, we were talking about the trailer of the new Gladiator movie and how all the women and the gays on tiktok and twitter were going nuts for Paul Mescal and Pedro Pascal (and even Joseph Quinn??). I said, to my friend's utter shock, that none of those guys were hot for me. He was like, "What? Not even Pedro?!" and I was like, nah.

So he was like, "Listen, I say this with love, but you rarely find any guys attractive, and when you do they're always perfect 10s, gorgeous, muscled af, etc. Basically, a straight guy's idea of a hot guy. Are you sure you're really bi and not just a very, very curious hetero?"

And I mean, all of that is true and we've had that conversation before, like in gay bars he'd point out guys like "would you fuck that one?" and very, very rarely the answer is yes. So sure, I find a very small percentage of men attractive, definitely way less than the average gay man does. And it's the opposite for women, because I do find many women attractive all the time, at the gym, walking down the street, etc. I mean, I sat through the entire Madame Web because Sydney Sweeney, Isabela Merced and Celeste O'Connor are all a bunch of baddies.

But the handful of men I do find hot turn me on more than almost any woman. Like, if it was a choice between fucking a hot woman and a man I find hot, I know I'd choose the man 90% of the time.

So where does that leave me? I would think that should mean I'm at least bi, if not outright gay, when roughly 95% of my sex fantasies, 75% of the porn I watch and 80% of the times I jerk off are all about men. I can jerk off to just pics of the face of a hot guy or pics of him fully clothed, whereas with women I can only jerk off to really sexy pics/video or porn. And with men, my dick gets harder, the orgasm is more intense and I cum faster than with women.

I don't know, but I think that says "gay af."

It sounds like he’s expecting you to conform to a stereotype. You can call yourself whatever you want, regardless of what his preconceived notions might be.

I don’t necessarily believe in labels, so I wouldn’t get hung up on the distinction between gay vs. bi vs. curious vs. any other category. Imho, the only thing that matters is being true to yourself, and giving yourself permission to enjoy whatever you like. And I agree that your fantasies and jackoff habits are a good indicator of what you’re really into!

In other words, if your thoughts are mostly about guys, then that’s reason enough to call yourself gay, or bi, or whatever else you prefer. That’s entirely your call, not anyone else’s!!!

 

[marriedasian]

I would say you simply have a preference. In your case, a very specific, and even narrow preference but a "preference" nonetheless. As I've gotten older, I'm very specific about which woman I fuck; sometimes down to the way she moves and/or speaks (I know, it's super-shallow). I've been around the block and inside enough pussies where I just know what I like and don't like and really don't have the patience or want to "not be picky" when being picky and waiting for the "right one" is of no consequence to me and I can be patient for it without care. My wife, on the other hand, will fuck any good-looking guy with a decent cock that can stay hard for a long time but that's a story for another thread.

When I'm out with the guys, my buddies will point out a hard 7 or 8 and I'll just say "meh" because there's something about her that just doesn't complete the package for me so I don't approach. 2 minutes later I'm approaching the other 7 across the room and trying my best to bring her home.

To the OP, you sound bi enough to me. Seems like you hold men to a higher standard than women therefore when it comes to getting in bed with one, you expect "quality". Kinda like how my wife will eat any type or kind of ice cream while I will only touch one or two specific brands/flavors and willing to pay $50 a pint while she pays $3.

Good luck, don't overthink it. Keep being picky. At least you will get what you want when you get it.

 

[Topher the Gopher]

I think your friend is overstepping his bounds a bit. I don't doubt that it comes from a place of love and/or friendship, but it's not his place to make you doubt yourself, at least not on such a surface level.

While labels are overused, I think they're useful in knowing what things are, or what a person is like. I think how you call yourself is your own business; if you're zeroing in on men, then be gay. I would wonder, though, if you met a woman who attracted you in all of the important ways, would you tell her that you're also attracted to men?

These are long-term issues, but I don't think it's anything to worry about. Just be yourself and take things as they come. Labels and others' opinions be damned.

I know you said in another thread that you can't afford therapy, but I would look into if I were you. I don't know what New York is like, but I know that my insurance did fully cover my sessions with a psychologist, and still cover the meds I need. I don't think you necessarily have a psychological problem, but a counselor could help you figure out what it is you're feeling and how to resolve yourself to it.

 

[deleted28504631]

I would wonder, though, if you met a woman who attracted you in all of the important ways, would you tell her that you're also attracted to men?

I think I would, if I saw a future with her. But my biggest fear is that I'll fall in love with a woman and I won't be able to satisfy her (or me) sexually. I suppose that anxiety is enough reason for me to seriously consider going to therapy, for real.

 

[jerome602]

Have you ever hooked up with a guy? It sounds like it's a fantasy to you so that's why your standards are so high. If you started doing it or looked at men as a long term sexual outlet, your feelings would probably change and more average men might be hotter to you. I don't doubt you like both men and women though.

 

[deleted28504631]

I would say you simply have a preference. In your case, a very specific, and even narrow preference but a "preference" nonetheless. As I've gotten older, I'm very specific about which woman I fuck; sometimes down to the way she moves and/or speaks (I know, it's super-shallow). I've been around the block and inside enough pussies where I just know what I like and don't like and really don't have the patience or want to "not be picky" when being picky and waiting for the "right one" is of no consequence to me and I can be patient for it without care. My wife, on the other hand, will fuck any good-looking guy with a decent cock that can stay hard for a long time but that's a story for another thread.

When I'm out with the guys, my buddies will point out a hard 7 or 8 and I'll just say "meh" because there's something about her that just doesn't complete the package for me so I don't approach. 2 minutes later I'm approaching the other 7 across the room and trying my best to bring her home.

To the OP, you sound bi enough to me. Seems like you hold men to a higher standard than women therefore when it comes to getting in bed with one, you expect "quality". Kinda like how my wife will eat any type or kind of ice cream while I will only touch one or two specific brands/flavors and willing to pay $50 a pint while she pays $3.

Good luck, don't overthink it. Keep being picky. At least you will get what you want when you get it.

You're right, it is a very narrow preference. And for a while I was fine with that but lately I've been seeing it as a kind of roadblock. Like, I want to experiment with guys, see if I can expand my horizons or whatever, but I find it pretty difficult when I'm not attracted to 95% of the men and the 5% I am attracted to are out of my league. In that sense I think I've started to feeling it limiting.

 

[deleted28504631]

Have you ever hooked up with a guy? It sounds like it's a fantasy to you so that's why your standards are so high. If you started doing it or looked at men as a long term sexual outlet, your feelings would probably change and more average men might be hotter to you. I don't doubt you like both men and women though.

No, I've just made out with guys a few times, jerked each other off and let one blow me, but I've stopped just shy of sex precisely because I haven't been attracted to them, and if I'm not even at least a little bit attracted to the person I can't go through with it.

I think you hit the nail on the head with my standards being so high because it's a fantasy. I've tried to consciously make myself let go of that notion but sometimes I feel like it could be some sort of coping mechanism borne out of my internalized homophobia, like if I were to find regular guys attractive then there'd be nothing stopping me from being GAY from now on and it's like my brain is resisting that, so I'm hiding behind unattainable fantasies. Either that or I really do have very high standards when it comes to men, which I suppose it's also possible.

 

[Topher the Gopher]

I think I would, if I saw a future with her. But my biggest fear is that I'll fall in love with a woman and I won't be able to satisfy her (or me) sexually. I suppose that anxiety is enough reason for me to seriously consider going to therapy, for real.

It really does sound to me like you have some kind of anxiety. Again, I am not a psychologist, but I do recommend seeing if you can get some counseling. I was always afraid to, and it took me a while to find the right one, but talking does help. In my experience, it's better to talk to a professional than strangers on the internet.

 

[Brodie888]

Only you can figure out what is going on in your head.

Also, just because you don't like penetration, doesn't mean you are any less gay. Some gays are "sides" and all they do are handjobs or blowjobs.

I would suggest your percentage porn consumption would be a good indication of your bisexual ratio.

It is possible that you have this impossible standard as a self defence mechanism to keep you in control or within your comfort zone.

Most guys in porn are lucky to be 7/10. But they still get you off. So a 7/10 guy in real life should be the same.

Perhaps it's best to focus on making more gay friends and find someone to experiment with rather than just a hookup?

 

[halcyondays]

IMO you know who you are.

Don't let a friend questioning your sexuality make you question your own.

 

[TheMeatyProfessor]

No, I've just made out with guys a few times, jerked each other off and let one blow me, but I've stopped just shy of sex precisely because I haven't been attracted to them, and if I'm not even at least a little bit attracted to the person I can't go through with it.

I think you hit the nail on the head with my standards being so high because it's a fantasy. I've tried to consciously make myself let go of that notion but sometimes I feel like it could be some sort of coping mechanism borne out of my internalized homophobia, like if I were to find regular guys attractive then there'd be nothing stopping me from being GAY from now on and it's like my brain is resisting that, so I'm hiding behind unattainable fantasies. Either that or I really do have very high standards when it comes to men, which I suppose it's also possible.

Hey OP, thanks for sharing your perspective. Like other posters have said, it's not up to your friend to judge or ascertain your "correct" sexuality. Only you can do that; it's no one else's business.

I quoted this post because it shows the degree you're struggling to figure this out. Again, your friend might have been more than a jerk for giving you shit about not liking guys "enough." Yet, what we're watching is you struggle to quantify how and in what ways you like them. That sucks, man; you're allowed to like who you like and how you like them.

I look at the second paragraph you've posted in a couple ways. First, there's the obvious take: being bisexual is fine, but gay might be a bridge crossed too far mentally. But sexuality isn't a pie. I don't get the sense that you like women any less because some guys turn you on. Your attractions read differently and that's all. Your sexual attractions to guys might be more intense than those you share for women. You also seem sexually attracted to a broader spectrum of women and being attracted to them doesn't cause you any grief. And your grief manifests as fear, to a degree, about guys: that somehow your world would fall apart if you indulged any further in exploring sexually with them. Cloud-person-in-the-sky forbid that you have to broach this topic with a serious girlfriend. The fix for the second situation is simple: Biphobia is awful too, so if a partner can't accept this facet of you, then they don't deserve you.

I think of sexuality like those older school stereos with all the adjustments for bass, treble, mix, volume, and what not on the face plate. Substitute those terms for romantic attraction, intimacy, companionship, sex, openness to experiment, and more, and that's how you form really rich experiences understanding one's own orientations. At best, you're not heteronormative. No big deal in 2024.

More to the point, younger generations are challenging how people categorize their sexual interests, and that's a good thing. The fact that some guys-into-guys call themselves sides validates that it's okay to have sexual interests in guys that have nothing to do with penetrative sex (giving or receiving). News flash: not all heterosexual people equally enjoy penetrative sex either, despite how normalized that is. I'd be more worried about internalized homophobia if you felt guilty for your previous experiences or loathe yourself after getting off. You seem worried about "not liking guys" enough, which makes me feel for you, pal, but it hasn't hit internalized homophobia yet. So, your line might be at oral sex; okay, that's fine.

I'll throw one more word at you. It's called spectatoring. This refers to a tendency to start mentally analyzing and obsessing about whether you are able to please a partner or to feel pleasure from them. The trap is in the stress that happens when you begin fixating on what, how, and am I good enough -- which blocks out your partner, kills your libido, and worsens whatever stress you had about sex before you started it. Doubting attractions takes your head out of the game too.

However you move forward from this, tell your friend to be less of a jerk. And tell yourself to get out of your head. You've got several years of emerging adulthood ahead of you to figure out your sexual needs and interests. They may change or they may not. You're okay.

 

[art]

I would say, "You be you", and don't worry about what others call it. Find a guy who's sexy AF to you, and enjoy each other, body, mind, and spirit. That's what sex is supposed to be about, IMHO, not matching up with someone else's idea of what Gay (or any other sexual variant) "should be like."

 

[deleted28504631]

Only you can figure out what is going on in your head.

Also, just because you don't like penetration, doesn't mean you are any less gay. Some gays are "sides" and all they do are handjobs or blowjobs.

I would suggest your percentage porn consumption would be a good indication of your bisexual ratio.

It is possible that you have this impossible standard as a self defence mechanism to keep you in control or within your comfort zone.

Most guys in porn are lucky to be 7/10. But they still get you off. So a 7/10 guy in real life should be the same.

Perhaps it's best to focus on making more gay friends and find someone to experiment with rather than just a hookup?

It's not that I don't like penetration, I would like to try it with a hot guy.

And I don't like most guys in porn either, I only get off to a consistent handful of dudes, mostly. My taste in men really is ridiculously narrow

 

[Brodie888]

It's not that I don't like penetration, I would like to try it with a hot guy.

And I don't like most guys in porn either, I only get off to a consistent handful of dudes, mostly. My taste in men really is ridiculously narrow

Ok that's fine. Can you describe or post photos of examples of your type? I assume Chris Hemsworth is one?

 

[deleted28504631]

Ok that's fine. Can you describe or post photos of examples of your type? I assume Chris Hemsworth is one?

Yeah, I suppose I'd say muscles and a "traditionally" handsome face. So yeah, Chris Hemsworth, obviously lol. Chris Evans, Henry Cavill, Alan Ritchson, Lucien Laviscount, Richard Madden, Kit Harington, Rege-Jean Page, Zane Phillips, Brenton Thwaites, Colin O'Donoghue, etc. Some random influencers like Nathan Webb, Gerardo Sacco, James Denton.

LMAO, seeing them together they really do look like a list of guys that straight reddit dudebros think are hot. Only one that's missing is Ryan Reynolds.

As far as gay porn stars, it's pretty narrow. Let's see. Malik, Brandon and Brodie from Sean Cody, Connor from Corbin Fisher, Chris Rockway, Solomon Aspen. That's off the top of my head. I feel like I'm nowhere near up to date on the gay porn community to even know enough hot actors, like there's probably loads of dudes I'd consider hot working right now but I don't even know about them.

 

[marriedasian]

No, I've just made out with guys a few times, jerked each other off and let one blow me, but I've stopped just shy of sex precisely because I haven't been attracted to them, and if I'm not even at least a little bit attracted to the person I can't go through with it.

This is sex as far as I'm concerned... unless you are saying penis penetration = sex?

I think you hit the nail on the head with my standards being so high because it's a fantasy. I've tried to consciously make myself let go of that notion but sometimes I feel like it could be some sort of coping mechanism borne out of my internalized homophobia, like if I were to find regular guys attractive then there'd be nothing stopping me from being GAY from now on and it's like my brain is resisting that, so I'm hiding behind unattainable fantasies. Either that or I really do have very high standards when it comes to men, which I suppose it's also possible.

Ever thought I hiring a high-class escort? This way, all your boxes will be checked, and you can go "all the way" in having sex with this person. This way, you will know for sure where you stand.

Just in case, no shame in going the escort route. I've paid for quality escorts in my youth and prime before marriage. Even in marriage, my wife and I would play for escorts when we go on vacation if we can't find a suitable third in the open wild.

Just a suggestion. You won't know until you try. Good luck!

 

[deleted28504631]

This is sex as far as I'm concerned... unless you are saying penis penetration = sex?


Ever thought I hiring a high-class escort? This way, all your boxes will be checked, and you can go "all the way" in having sex with this person. This way, you will know for sure where you stand.

Just in case, no shame in going the escort route. I've paid for quality escorts in my youth and prime before marriage. Even in marriage, my wife and I would play for escorts when we go on vacation if we can't find a suitable third in the open wild.

Just a suggestion. You won't know until you try. Good luck!

Yeah, I don't know, for some reason I thought the person who asked me meant penetrative sex. I don't know.

To be honest, I've been seriously considering the escort option for a while now, even if money's tight right now. I was browsing one escort site and found a guy with a 2-for-1 package deal with his friend that caught my eye. What's stopping me is the fear that they're going to be noticeably not into it and it'll be a bad lay and super awkward and I would've wasted my money, but I guess that's always a risk and the only way to know is going for it.

 

[FrankieGuile]

So one of my best friends is gay and he's one of the very, very few people I've come out to as bi. Well, we were talking about the trailer of the new Gladiator movie and how all the women and the gays on tiktok and twitter were going nuts for Paul Mescal and Pedro Pascal (and even Joseph Quinn??). I said, to my friend's utter shock, that none of those guys were hot for me. He was like, "What? Not even Pedro?!" and I was like, nah.

So he was like, "Listen, I say this with love, but you rarely find any guys attractive, and when you do they're always perfect 10s, gorgeous, muscled af, etc. Basically, a straight guy's idea of a hot guy. Are you sure you're really bi and not just a very, very curious hetero?"

And I mean, all of that is true and we've had that conversation before, like in gay bars he'd point out guys like "would you fuck that one?" and very, very rarely the answer is yes. So sure, I find a very small percentage of men attractive, definitely way less than the average gay man does. And it's the opposite for women, because I do find many women attractive all the time, at the gym, walking down the street, etc. I mean, I sat through the entire Madame Web because Sydney Sweeney, Isabela Merced and Celeste O'Connor are all a bunch of baddies.

But the handful of men I do find hot turn me on more than almost any woman. Like, if it was a choice between fucking a hot woman and a man I find hot, I know I'd choose the man 90% of the time.

So where does that leave me? I would think that should mean I'm at least bi, if not outright gay, when roughly 95% of my sex fantasies, 75% of the porn I watch and 80% of the times I jerk off are all about men. I can jerk off to just pics of the face of a hot guy or pics of him fully clothed, whereas with women I can only jerk off to really sexy pics/video or porn. And with men, my dick gets harder, the orgasm is more intense and I cum faster than with women.

I don't know, but I think that says "gay af."

First, your gay friend is hardly qualified to know "a straight guy's idea of a hot guy" so he has no credible basis to suggest your sexual identification. You should have told him as much because he deserved the obvious correction.

Second, it is ironic your friend would critique your agency to claim your own sexual identification; after all, is that not what homosexuals struggled to gain? You should have accused him of hypocrisy and intolerance because he displayed both.

Third, only you can define your sexual preference, so don't ask us. Rather, embrace who you are as an individual and be proud of it because you should be your own man.

P.S. You also need better friends.

 

[Brodie888]

Yeah, I suppose I'd say muscles and a "traditionally" handsome face. So yeah, Chris Hemsworth, obviously lol. Chris Evans, Henry Cavill, Alan Ritchson, Lucien Laviscount, Richard Madden, Kit Harington, Rege-Jean Page, Zane Phillips, Brenton Thwaites, Colin O'Donoghue, etc. Some random influencers like Nathan Webb, Gerardo Sacco, James Denton.

LMAO, seeing them together they really do look like a list of guys that straight reddit dudebros think are hot. Only one that's missing is Ryan Reynolds.

As far as gay porn stars, it's pretty narrow. Let's see. Malik, Brandon and Brodie from Sean Cody, Connor from Corbin Fisher, Chris Rockway, Solomon Aspen. That's off the top of my head. I feel like I'm nowhere near up to date on the gay porn community to even know enough hot actors, like there's probably loads of dudes I'd consider hot working right now but I don't even know about them.

Ok, so that's your standard. Which is is fine.

For arguments sake, let's say these guys are a 9/10. How would you rate yourself against them?