Great Article On Male Sexuality

[RamblingCock]

As some of you know, I write a blog on my own sexual experiences and attitudes, particularly when it comes to being a late-50s male who suddenly, and through no fault of my wife's, was forced into a relative celibacy after a youth that was highly sexualized. Not only that, but I'm dealing with a number of medical issues of my own - varicocele, kidney stones, testosterone scar tissues - and that seem to be concentrated in my lower left groin and abdomen. The last six years have been a roller coaster. So I've been dealing a lot with the mental aspects.

This morning I found this article on male sexuality that puts a lot of my personal wants and desires into clearer focus, and I found to be reassuring. (Circumstances being what they are, my sexual world is a bit weird.) Hoping it helps some of you as well, since the topics it brings up are often discussed on these forums.

 

[51arledge]

As some of you know, I write a blog on my own sexual experiences and attitudes, particularly when it comes to being a late-50s male who suddenly, and through no fault of my wife's, was forced into a relative celibacy after a youth that was highly sexualized. Not only that, but I'm dealing with a number of medical issues of my own - varicocele, kidney stones, testosterone scar tissues - and that seem to be concentrated in my lower left groin and abdomen. The last six years have been a roller coaster. So I've been dealing a lot with the mental aspects.

This morning I found this article on male sexuality that puts a lot of my personal wants and desires into clearer focus, and I found to be reassuring. (Circumstances being what they are, my sexual world is a bit weird.) Hoping it helps some of you as well, since the topics it brings up are often discussed on these forums.

It's a wonderful blog you're writing (I responded there as well, albeit anonymously) and the linked article is also valuable. Thank you!

 

[amazzzed2]

As some of you know, I write a blog on my own sexual experiences and attitudes, particularly when it comes to being a late-50s male who suddenly, and through no fault of my wife's, was forced into a relative celibacy after a youth that was highly sexualized. Not only that, but I'm dealing with a number of medical issues of my own - varicocele, kidney stones, testosterone scar tissues - and that seem to be concentrated in my lower left groin and abdomen. The last six years have been a roller coaster. So I've been dealing a lot with the mental aspects.

This morning I found this article on male sexuality that puts a lot of my personal wants and desires into clearer focus, and I found to be reassuring. (Circumstances being what they are, my sexual world is a bit weird.) Hoping it helps some of you as well, since the topics it brings up are often discussed on these forums.

Thank you for sharing this article and also for your blog.

 

[ItsAll4Kim]

While I like some of what he wrote, I can't agree with his opinion that supposedly straight men who have MM sex regularly and don't think they're bi are not "necessarily" bi. Bisexuality isn't about being "connected to gay culture" or necessarily having MM relationships beyond sex. It can be just the sex. Sexual orientation is quite often defined as pervasive sexual OR romantic interest. It is not necessary to have both.

There are people...male and female, who have zero desire to have a relationship. They seek and find partners for sex, nothing more. This is not uncommon with older widowed spouses who have had their share of romance, are fine living alone, but still have sexual desires. Using the author's odd logic, they are asexual...they aren't seeking a relationship or connection with the "culture" of a sexual orientation...just sex. Does that make sense? Of course not. One can be bisexual and only seek romance...no sex...with either or both sexes. And one can be bisexual and seek only sex...no romance...with either or both sexes.

The author's opinion looks a whole lot like an attempt to allow men to avoid the inconvenience of actually understanding and then accepting their sexuality. It's so much easier to simply keep denying you might be bisexual.

 

[622675]

While I like some of what he wrote, I can't agree with his opinion that supposedly straight men who have MM sex regularly and don't think they're bi are not "necessarily" bi. Bisexuality isn't about being "connected to gay culture" or necessarily having MM relationships beyond sex. It can be just the sex. Sexual orientation is quite often defined as pervasive sexual OR romantic interest. It is not necessary to have both.

There are people...male and female, who have zero desire to have a relationship. They seek and find partners for sex, nothing more. This is not uncommon with older widowed spouses who have had their share of romance, are fine living alone, but still have sexual desires. Using the author's odd logic, they are asexual...they aren't seeking a relationship or connection with the "culture" of a sexual orientation...just sex. Does that make sense? Of course not. One can be bisexual and only seek romance...no sex...with either or both sexes. And one can be bisexual and seek only sex...no romance...with either or both sexes.

The author's opinion looks a whole lot like an attempt to allow men to avoid the inconvenience of actually understanding and then accepting their sexuality. It's so much easier to simply keep denying you might be bisexual.

Have you had a chance to look through Not Gay: Sex Between Straight White Men 2015 book by Jane Ward (Not Gay - Wikipedia

 

[Player_01]

Maybe this just wasn't well spoken but "some men have no desire whatsoever to be connected with gay culture" uh ok, so if someone doesn't have any desire for black culture they become white?

Being gay, or Bi is just what you are. It's not a "culture" Heck most LGBT aren't that connected to gay identity or culture.

I can understand the bisexual but hetero-romantic arguments I've heard. I think you can separate sexual interests from who you want a relationship with. There are more bisexual men than want to admit it and it's fine to have sexual interests in more than one gender. It's fine to have sex with someone when it's just fun but this trying to hold onto the straight identity shouldn't be encouraged by a therapist. They should be coming to terms with not needing to be called "straight"

Just say guys like sex, sometimes with other guys because labels are for canned goods.

 

[Sagittarius84]

While I like some of what he wrote, I can't agree with his opinion that supposedly straight men who have MM sex regularly and don't think they're bi are not "necessarily" bi. Bisexuality isn't about being "connected to gay culture" or necessarily having MM relationships beyond sex. It can be just the sex. Sexual orientation is quite often defined as pervasive sexual OR romantic interest. It is not necessary to have both.

There are people...male and female, who have zero desire to have a relationship. They seek and find partners for sex, nothing more. This is not uncommon with older widowed spouses who have had their share of romance, are fine living alone, but still have sexual desires. Using the author's odd logic, they are asexual...they aren't seeking a relationship or connection with the "culture" of a sexual orientation...just sex. Does that make sense? Of course not. One can be bisexual and only seek romance...no sex...with either or both sexes. And one can be bisexual and seek only sex...no romance...with either or both sexes.

The author's opinion looks a whole lot like an attempt to allow men to avoid the inconvenience of actually understanding and then accepting their sexuality. It's so much easier to simply keep denying you might be bisexual.

I definitely agree with this take. I've said it before, when I see posts and articles insisting heterosexuality remains intact in lieu of bi-homosexual actions and encounters, I think it is more of an overzealous response to what are specific and generally unfair biases primarily cis het women project upon men.
I think men's energy would be better served speaking out against the biases and expectations imposed upon our respective sexualities, then practicing the mental gymnastics explaining why sucking a dick isnt gay or bi because you dont want to buy it dinner before or afterwards

 

[ItsAll4Kim]

Have you had a chance to look through Not Gay: Sex Between Straight White Men 2015 book by Jane Ward (Not Gay - Wikipedia

I have.

 

[ItsAll4Kim]

Maybe this just wasn't well spoken but "some men have no desire whatsoever to be connected with gay culture" uh ok, so if someone doesn't have any desire for black culture they become white?

Being gay, or Bi is just what you are. It's not a "culture" Heck most LGBT aren't that connected to gay identity or culture.

I can understand the bisexual but hetero-romantic arguments I've heard. I think you can separate sexual interests from who you want a relationship with. There are more bisexual men than want to admit it and it's fine to have sexual interests in more than one gender. It's fine to have sex with someone when it's just fun but this trying to hold onto the straight identity shouldn't be encouraged by a therapist. They should be coming to terms with not needing to be called "straight"

Just say guys like sex, sometimes with other guys because labels are for canned goods.

Or just say that maybe they're bisexual. It's sadly ironic that bi-erasure exists, and that some homosexuals can be as guilty of it as some heterosexuals.

And while I think I understand your sentiment, "guys like sex", unfortunately implies that guys will have sex with anyone or anything and at any time, which simply isn't true. We can decide who and when. The example often cited of prison or military service is not one of free will. Those are situations that are examples of duress and peer group pressure.
I firmly believe that far more men would admit to the possibility of bisexuality if there was no stigma. Fear of rejection by a female partner often under the typically mistaken assumption that the guy is either gay, or will absolutely have to cheat with a man at some point, is an enormous deterrent to honesty.

And to be clear, we aren't discussing instances or occasional experimentation, but pervasive behaviors. And even then, feelings can and do change. But for those who know for certain, it shouldn't have to be so hard to come out.

 

[Player_01]

Or just say that maybe they're bisexual. It's sadly ironic that bi-erasure exists, and that some homosexuals can be as guilty of it as some heterosexuals.

Hence I said "I can understand the bisexual but hetero-romantic arguments I've heard. I think you can separate sexual interests from who you want a relationship with. There are more bisexual men than want to admit it and it's fine to have sexual interests in more than one gender. "

And while I think I understand your sentiment, "guys like sex", unfortunately implies that guys will have sex with anyone or anything and at any time, which simply isn't true.

Fine, human beings sometimes just like sex. There are guys who have separate sexual interest from romantic interest. They are openly to bisexual sex but have a preference for romantic partners.

I would say they are bi-sexual, but hetero-romantic, or homo-romantic. There can also be bisexual, biromantics.

 

[Player_01]

This woman explains her separation of sexual and romantic interest

"I have a tough time with this. I'm certainly bisexual- I enjoy sex with both genders just as equally, and while I logically have nothing against being in a relationship with a woman, I've really never been head-over-heels for a woman like I have with a man.

I've dated women, but have never been in a relationship with one, and yes I've had many crushes on women, but they're largely sexual. I guess, I've just never fallen for a woman like I have for my long-term boyfriends.

Is this common? Do you think it's possible I'm (mostly) heteroromantic?"


How many of you are biromantic as well as bisexual? : bisexual

 

[RamblingCock]

It's a wonderful blog you're writing (I responded there as well, albeit anonymously) and the linked article is also valuable. Thank you!

Thank you for participating. Not a whole lot of people moving this forward.

 

[RamblingCock]

Thanks to everyone who posted above. It's not an easy answer.

But it's an important topic, at least to me if not a lot of other guys.

 

[Sagittarius84]

But there is an easy answer, a lot of these men seem to want to conflate "heteroamory" with heterosexuality to avoid the unfortunate societal consequences of being cis male but engaging in homo or bisexual behaviors.
Instead of trying to avoid the moniker, the concentration should be those unfair societal consequences.

 

[ItsAll4Kim]

Hence I said "I can understand the bisexual but hetero-romantic arguments I've heard. I think you can separate sexual interests from who you want a relationship with. There are more bisexual men than want to admit it and it's fine to have sexual interests in more than one gender. "


Fine, human beings sometimes just like sex. There are guys who have separate sexual interest from romantic interest. They are openly to bisexual sex but have a preference for romantic partners.

I would say they are bi-sexual, but hetero-romantic, or homo-romantic. There can also be bisexual, biromantics.

I don't disagree with any of this, and don't think my posts implied it. At least that was not my intention. The primary point most of us seem to embrace is that the problem only becomes what to call any of this because of stigma. If there was no stigma attached to orientation, nobody would deny any association with any identity. That needs to change.

 

[NCbear]

I don't disagree with any of this, and don't think my posts implied it. At least that was not my intention. The primary point most of us seem to embrace is that the problem only becomes what to call any of this because of stigma. If there was no stigma attached to orientation, nobody would deny any association with any identity. That needs to change.

In college, a woman in my dorm who had been raised very much "Christian evangelical" (but was actively trying to open her mindset further) asked me what my sexual orientation was. I was already out at the time, so I inwardly rolled my eyes and answered very matter-of-factly in an even tone of voice.

Interestingly, her next step was to praise me for not sounding either tentative, apologetic, or ashamed. My eyebrows hit my hairline and I said, essentially, "Why should I feel any of those emotions? I'm gay, as people have been in every era and nearly every culture since the beginning of recorded history. I've got a lot of company."

And it's true: Learning when I hit puberty that my feelings meant that I was "homosexual" or "gay" meant also that there was a word for me--that there were enough people who were similar to me that the language had expanded to accommodate my difference.

That was a huge relief, I don't mind telling you. If instead my sexual orientation was shared by only a tiny percentage of the population, or (worse) if no one else shared my orientation, then I would have felt both alone and strange. Realizing that what I was was so common that a word for it existed in the dictionary validated my existence in a tremendously affirming way. Finding out later that there had been historical figures who were gay or had gay sex, that there had been activists clamoring for equal rights for LGBTQ people (and that their efforts were the reason why I enjoy the rights I have), and that there were opportunities to go to gay pride festivals and parades, only put the icing on the cake.

So these days, the only times I feel the stigma of being gay are (1) when I'm surrounded by people who don't wish to extend the definition of "fellow human being" to LGBTQ people and/or (2) when I'm in the process of losing some status, job, etc., because of being gay (which, yes, has happened).

NCbear (who tends to use "gay," "lesbian," or "bisexual" as adjectives that describe people, rather than as nouns that place people into neat little categories)

 

[twoton]

1. Not a myth. Straight men don't have sex with other men. My wife and I disagree with each other on this. She mistakenly believes that 'experimentation' doesn't make a man gay. I correctly state that it makes a man not-straight.
2. --
3. This is sort of a counter-cultural take on it because we know from #MeToo that all men are always looking for sex.
4.I think this isn't entirely a myth. I think porn has ruined a lot of relationships. Porn is like alcohol.
5. Maybe he's not gay or bi, but it is a little suspect
6. I agree with the author
7, 8, 9, 10. I have no opinion.

 

[3956]

1. Not a myth. Straight men don't have sex with other men. My wife and I disagree with each other on this. She mistakenly believes that 'experimentation' doesn't make a man gay. I correctly state that it makes a man not-straight.

So, just to clarify, by this same thought, a gay man who had sex with a woman would be considered "not-gay"?
I don't buy this.

 

[BIGBULL29]

There is no inherent value to our sexualities. They don't exist "independently" frozen forever in time. There are no absolutes, even if it appears that way in the present moment. It's not even logical to think otherwise. Our cultures have us believing in illusions about about ultimate reality.

There are people who have more or less "fixed" sexualities over the long haul; but, again, there are no absolutes. It's not even logical.

 

[auncut10in]

1. Not a myth. Straight men don't have sex with other men. My wife and I disagree with each other on this. She mistakenly believes that 'experimentation' doesn't make a man gay. I correctly state that it makes a man not-straight.
2. --
3. This is sort of a counter-cultural take on it because we know from #MeToo that all men are always looking for sex.
4.I think this isn't entirely a myth. I think porn has ruined a lot of relationships. Porn is like alcohol.
5. Maybe he's not gay or bi, but it is a little suspect
6. I agree with the author
7, 8, 9, 10. I have no opinion.

Really is all your post is saying is how you feel, not how others feel or what is true. I think everyone is a bit different on how they view themselves and others. I was married to a woman for quite some time, yet I was never straight nor was I every bi. It was more pretending to fit into a society and a religion that told me how I felt since I was 12 was unacceptable.

What was really unacceptable was me listening to others to determine what choices I made. Since then, I have more than made up for that mistake. (I only post true experiences i have had.)

I have had sex with a bunch of straight guys. They are still straight. They may have found out that playing around with another guy can be fun and even sexually exciting, but they have absolutely no interest in being with another man. There is an old saying, "Just because you are in a garage doesn't mean you are a car."