Help Coming Out To My Buddy/homies

[Brianhalim]

im 24 years old men, single, im gay / bisexual (still confuse) and majority all of my buddies already got a girlfriends.

My relationship with my buddies is very close, like shower together, sleeping together, pissing next to the other, teasing each other(like touching each other ass, etc ). I like what it is, but i feels like i lying to them, idont want to seems like i take advantage on them , and feels like i want to confess (i do attracted to men), but im afraid they will not accept that, eventho i believe they will accept me, but im afraid their respond or reaction will be different like afraid to shower with me anymore or afraid of sleeping together anymore.(doesnt mean iwant to take advantage but i dont want to be treated differently and i dont want my relationship with my buddy to be different after i coming out)

Any of u had this kind experience? How do you guys clear this problem?

Ps: im live in the country which LGBT is still taboo, and sorry if my english was bad

 

[SpeedThePlow]

Don't necessarily take my advice: everyone is different, and I am not in your country or familiar with your culture. That said:

1. Look after yourself first. Coming out is a personal thing. Work out why you want to come out. Work out whether now is when you want to come out. Do you have a boyfriend? Do you feel the pressure of concealing your sexuality is hurting your mental health? Etc. Some people find a good time to come out is when they are "naturally" changing their circle of acquaintances (moving, starting a new job, or whatever). Don't feel pressurised into coming out (or staying in the closet): you do this for yourself, when and how you are ready for it. It's fine to be scared.

Totally forgive yourself for any lies you have told in the past, any homophobic comments you have made to deflect from your sexuality, anyone you have allowed to assume you are straight, and so on. These are things forced on you by the society you live in. No guilt for that.

2. Accept the risk, and think it through. Be optimistic, but not stupid. Work out what the worst things you think could happen are, and plan for them. You will almost certainly find out things are easier and better than you think, but if you are ready for the worst, you are prepared. If you have a homophobic and bigoted family, you may have to accept that coming out will mean a rift, which you hope to repair in time. I hope not. But be sensible. And don't have unrealistic fantasies: you may wish that the close friend you crush on is going to react to you coming out by jumping into bed with you, but it's almost certainly not so!

3. Accept the fact that coming out will change your relationship with your friends. But bear in mind it is likely to change anyway. That sort of relationship you describe is going to change anyway as people marry, have families, do all the things people growing up do. Thirty year olds don't mostly hang around sleeping in each other's rooms and spanking each other's butts. Think how coming out will strengthen friendships as well as testing them. Good relationships change all the time anyway.

4. Pick ONE person to come out to first. Someone you trust. Know that you cannot guarantee secrecy: whoever you tell may tell (probably WILL tell) others. Sometimes that's a good thing: you tell one person and that person spreads the word. That saves you a lot of trouble. This one person is NOT necessarily your "closest friend": ideally someone you trust but don't depend upon critically, someone perhaps a little way outside the group.

5. If you haven't already, consider developing a circle of gay friends too. Like any other group of people, gay people are flawed. But we can provide good emotional support. If you have gay friends, and do "gay things" (hang out with gay guys, go to bars and clubs if you have such things, join a gay organisation) you have something to fall back on and to validate you. Know that generally speaking gay guys, however "in your face" we may seem are highly respectful of people's decisions and do NOT out people, so in this journey gay people are mostly people you can trust (not stupid trust, of course, but you don't need to be paranoid that if you go into a gay bar and meet someone from work they are going to be spreading it round the office the next day, that really is not how gay guys mostly operate).

6. Try coming out to strangers. I know that sounds weird, but just acknowledging to someone who owes you nothing, doesn't know you, won't see you again can be a good experience. You will find plenty of opportunities: someone asks about a wife of girlfriend, and you just say "no, i'm gay actually". You get to see how it feels to say that.

7. Consider, alongside your friends, the other important relationships in your life, especially with your family. Decide if/when you are going to come out to them. Remember people often come out to siblings or grandparents before they come out to parents.

8. Expect to be surprised. There will be people you thought would be cool with it, who aren't. And people you thought would be troublesome, who are supportive. Don't expect rainbows and unicorns all the time.

Above all, look after yourself. I don't think there are many gay men (those of us who live in places where we have the luxury to come out, earned often by the sweat and tears of earlier generations) who are not happier for having done it. But it isn't easy at first. Best of luck!

 

[cedarizzo]

Excellent advice from @SpeedThePlow you should read it carefully and decide what is best for you.

A lot of us have all been through the coming out process. And it is something we have to do constantly when there is new friends, neighbors, coworkers, etc. The hardest times are always the first time and family members/close friends. So you are doing double hard time if you tell your close friends.

• For the first time, pick somebody you are close to and trust.
• Know that your relationship with that person is going to change. It might be a good change or it might be a bad change, but it will change.
• You most likely will have to give them some time to come to terms with your sexuality.
• Don't force it on them. I would recommend sitting down, telling them and then asking if they have any questions. Try to answer any questions honestly, but let them decided how they want to continue.
• Let them know that you are still the same person as before, they just know one secret about you.
• And don't be upset if they tell people. You can tell them not to tell anybody, but it will happen. Just hope they tell other people who will be accepting.

You can do this, but always have an escape plan for if things go wrong. Nobody knows how it will work out. You might lose your friends. I've lost a few. There are new friends, new adventures for you. Hopefully with more understanding people.

My first time was nerve-racking. It was a close friend/co-worker. I felt I had to tell her because she was developing feelings for me that I obviously didn't have for her. She was cool, we talked a little bit about it and she didn't have any problems.

The next day I realized I would have to tell my sister who used to be roommates with my close friend/co-worker. My sister acted like it was okay, she had no problems. The next day, my sister called me and she was crying wanting to know how I could do that to my family. We talked some more about it but it was never about me, it was always about her. She agreed not to tell anybody about it, but a few weeks later I found out she had told my entire family. Luckily, I didn't have any of the problems with them that I had with my sister. Needless to say, my relationship with my sister has never been good. And I don't ever see it getting better.

But after that, things worked out okay. I've lost some friends when they found out. They weren't close friends, but it still hurt when they wouldn't talk to me anymore. But I have made some new friends, that from the beginning knew I was gay.

Each time you come out, you will feel a huge weight lifted off your shoulders. But remember to do it on your own terms. Don't let anybody dictate it for you. It is your life, you control it! Good luck!

 

[Brianhalim]

Don't necessarily take my advice: everyone is different, and I am not in your country or familiar with your culture. That said:

1. Look after yourself first. Coming out is a personal thing. Work out why you want to come out. Work out whether now is when you want to come out. Do you have a boyfriend? Do you feel the pressure of concealing your sexuality is hurting your mental health? Etc. Some people find a good time to come out is when they are "naturally" changing their circle of acquaintances (moving, starting a new job, or whatever). Don't feel pressurised into coming out (or staying in the closet): you do this for yourself, when and how you are ready for it. It's fine to be scared.

Totally forgive yourself for any lies you have told in the past, any homophobic comments you have made to deflect from your sexuality, anyone you have allowed to assume you are straight, and so on. These are things forced on you by the society you live in. No guilt for that.

2. Accept the risk, and think it through. Be optimistic, but not stupid. Work out what the worst things you think could happen are, and plan for them. You will almost certainly find out things are easier and better than you think, but if you are ready for the worst, you are prepared. If you have a homophobic and bigoted family, you may have to accept that coming out will mean a rift, which you hope to repair in time. I hope not. But be sensible. And don't have unrealistic fantasies: you may wish that the close friend you crush on is going to react to you coming out by jumping into bed with you, but it's almost certainly not so!

3. Accept the fact that coming out will change your relationship with your friends. But bear in mind it is likely to change anyway. That sort of relationship you describe is going to change anyway as people marry, have families, do all the things people growing up do. Thirty year olds don't mostly hang around sleeping in each other's rooms and spanking each other's butts. Think how coming out will strengthen friendships as well as testing them. Good relationships change all the time anyway.

4. Pick ONE person to come out to first. Someone you trust. Know that you cannot guarantee secrecy: whoever you tell may tell (probably WILL tell) others. Sometimes that's a good thing: you tell one person and that person spreads the word. That saves you a lot of trouble. This one person is NOT necessarily your "closest friend": ideally someone you trust but don't depend upon critically, someone perhaps a little way outside the group.

5. If you haven't already, consider developing a circle of gay friends too. Like any other group of people, gay people are flawed. But we can provide good emotional support. If you have gay friends, and do "gay things" (hang out with gay guys, go to bars and clubs if you have such things, join a gay organisation) you have something to fall back on and to validate you. Know that generally speaking gay guys, however "in your face" we may seem are highly respectful of people's decisions and do NOT out people, so in this journey gay people are mostly people you can trust (not stupid trust, of course, but you don't need to be paranoid that if you go into a gay bar and meet someone from work they are going to be spreading it round the office the next day, that really is not how gay guys mostly operate).

6. Try coming out to strangers. I know that sounds weird, but just acknowledging to someone who owes you nothing, doesn't know you, won't see you again can be a good experience. You will find plenty of opportunities: someone asks about a wife of girlfriend, and you just say "no, i'm gay actually". You get to see how it feels to say that.

7. Consider, alongside your friends, the other important relationships in your life, especially with your family. Decide if/when you are going to come out to them. Remember people often come out to siblings or grandparents before they come out to parents.

8. Expect to be surprised. There will be people you thought would be cool with it, who aren't. And people you thought would be troublesome, who are supportive. Don't expect rainbows and unicorns all the time.

Above all, look after yourself. I don't think there are many gay men (those of us who live in places where we have the luxury to come out, earned often by the sweat and tears of earlier generations) who are not happier for having done it. But it isn't easy at first. Best of luck!

Wow ur answer trully blew my mind, its so eye opening, thankyou very much, now i must think carefully all the advice you gave. And im totally agreed with point 3 and i already do point 4, cus i think i select one of my friends that im not afraid to lose him.

 

[Brianhalim]

Excellent advice from @SpeedThePlow you should read it carefully and decide what is best for you.

A lot of us have all been through the coming out process. And it is something we have to do constantly when there is new friends, neighbors, coworkers, etc. The hardest times are always the first time and family members/close friends. So you are doing double hard time if you tell your close friends.

• For the first time, pick somebody you are close to and trust.
• Know that your relationship with that person is going to change. It might be a good change or it might be a bad change, but it will change.
• You most likely will have to give them some time to come to terms with your sexuality.
• Don't force it on them. I would recommend sitting down, telling them and then asking if they have any questions. Try to answer any questions honestly, but let them decided how they want to continue.
• Let them know that you are still the same person as before, they just know one secret about you.
• And don't be upset if they tell people. You can tell them not to tell anybody, but it will happen. Just hope they tell other people who will be accepting.

You can do this, but always have an escape plan for if things go wrong. Nobody knows how it will work out. You might lose your friends. I've lost a few. There are new friends, new adventures for you. Hopefully with more understanding people.

My first time was nerve-racking. It was a close friend/co-worker. I felt I had to tell her because she was developing feelings for me that I obviously didn't have for her. She was cool, we talked a little bit about it and she didn't have any problems.

The next day I realized I would have to tell my sister who used to be roommates with my close friend/co-worker. My sister acted like it was okay, she had no problems. The next day, my sister called me and she was crying wanting to know how I could do that to my family. We talked some more about it but it was never about me, it was always about her. She agreed not to tell anybody about it, but a few weeks later I found out she had told my entire family. Luckily, I didn't have any of the problems with them that I had with my sister. Needless to say, my relationship with my sister has never been good. And I don't ever see it getting better.

But after that, things worked out okay. I've lost some friends when they found out. They weren't close friends, but it still hurt when they wouldn't talk to me anymore. But I have made some new friends, that from the beginning knew I was gay.

Each time you come out, you will feel a huge weight lifted off your shoulders. But remember to do it on your own terms. Don't let anybody dictate it for you. It is your life, you control it! Good luck!

Yeah i though so too, i must be realistic, it cant be the same anymore just hoping it is a good change, wish me luck and thankyou somuch for the answer!

 

[Jason]

How is you coming out going to help your friends? It sounds as if they are straight, which is easy: they haven't had to think much about their own sexuality. You coming out presents them with a problem. They may solve the problem by rejecting you. Maybe social pressure will force them to do this. Or it may be that you will just give them a headache. They have probably given no thought to what it is like to be gay or bi, and they really don't want to think about this. If they accept you will one of their friends reject them? One of their girlfriends?

It's actually possible that they guess you are gay/bi and are not bothered by this all the time it is not public. But make it public and it becomes what they will see as their problem. Much the same goes for your family: if it is just something they guess then it is fine, if it is something that is public it is seen as a problem.

I suggest there has to be a very good reason to come out. If you are moving in with a man as a couple then you probably do need to tell people. Anything less than this and I suggest not needed.

 

[9038421]

My boyfriend is from Bulgaria and he never came out in his home country due to being gay was not accepted. Just be careful in such countries. He now lives here so his parents no, but they have kinda disowned him. So kinda me and him against the world, but he’s happy and his mates know and work all fine. Come out when you are ready.