How did you do it?

[nudeyorker]

I think you need to try to put a dividing line between people you want to have sex with and people you want to develop a friendship with... having said that; I'm very very very picky about real friends; most have taken years to develop. I have a lot of acquaintances and when I was single I slept with quite a few of them. I'm happy to say that my husband is my best friend but he did not start out that way (we met each other in a department store and a year later on a blind date) But back to your problem... I personally deal with people better face to face then on the computer (there is something about vocal tone and eye contact that can not be replicated in the cyber-world even with a camera and a microphone)
I have friends who belong to some gay social and sports clubs (skiing, softball, poker etc) and I have gone to a few events and ski trips with them and met some fun people and have become friends (ish) with a few. Put yourself out there in the real world doing something that you really enjoy and I think over time things will fall into place. Developing a real lasting friendship is a very exacting recipe that takes the ingredients that you both bring together but when you add sexual innuendo and/or ambivalence I think it makes it more confusing and perhaps more difficult.
I met my best friend on a flight from LA to Hawaii a long time ago but it took time to get from I met this cool guy on a flight and we started hanging out to becoming best friends who have been through thick and thin and sick and sin with each other.

PS I don't know what your major is but take a walk over to the theatre department... and maybe work as a crew member on a show; from my personal experience there are some nice and fun people over there (I used to be one of them).

 

[crescendo69]

I seem to have trouble making lots of friends, even though I play music in various venues. I am fortunate, however to have a local gay men's talk group that meets weekly to discuss gay-related topics. The leader is a trained counselor, so the members are usually very respectful of each other's differences. Anyone over 18 is welcome. Many of the group eat at a local restaurant afterwards, and get together during the week. We also keep informed on local happenings about town, and I have invited them to several of my musical events through the meetings and Facebook.

My shyness has always hampered me in making close friends and business connections. I find that one has to really "work at" overcoming shyness in approaching others, holding interesting conversations, inviting people to do things, and establishing/keeping relationships.

Of course, at 59, I have a different set of problems in making friends socially/sexually, but that is another thread topic.

 

[danjs584]

The volunteer organization Gay For Good has groups in various cities around the US. The website gayforgood.org has links to their local facebook pages.

 

[Catharsis]

I should emphasize in my previous post that there are indeed gay bars in cities like Hartford and New London, but none that I would go to. The ones in New Haven, according to reviews, are more "hip" and modern and attract the younger crowd, which is of course something I'd be interested in. I guess I'll have to stick to other venues until I turn 21 haha.

With that said, I would like to make a couple replies:

Nudeyorker, I guess it seems to come up over and again that the best things that happen to us often are unexpected. I guess I take the stance that you have to work for something like that but apparently it's not always like that for other people! (And I'm not necessarily looking for sex, really just friends). Anyway, I realize that participating in interest groups is the best way to meet new people who share similar hobbies. My problem is that I don't really have any of any particular passion for something. Helping out in theater is an interesting suggestion although one I have heard before. It's not exactly relevant to my life, although I suppose a general appreciation for the arts couldn't hurt. I just participate in community service so I guess I'm interested in some sort of humanistic cause.

That being said, danjs584 brings up an interesting post regarding "gay for good" which sounds interesting to me and it's something I haven't heard of. I'll have to look into it, maybe it's a relatively recent project and has a group somewhere (hopefully close to me) in CT.

And crescendo69, I can empathize! But if you meet the right people who are outgoing and want to get to know you, they'll get to know you. One girl at work is one of the most friendliest people I've met and she loves getting to know new people. Her reason is because she was always very shy and never had friends and was upset that no one would talk to her, so she doesn't want others to feel the same and always strives to talk to new people. I'm surprised because she's such a nice person. Anyway - I guess you do have to work at it, especially with maintaining friendships, but I don't think it's too difficult as long as you check in on them every now and then and maintain communication. Good luck to you, though. The group sounds like a great way to make friendships!

 

[D_22]

I find it a bit interesting seeing your search for queer friends. While ive a few queerest buds, closest ones ive befriended in theatre, but ive always connected more with my straight friends. While I was always excited to meet people like me in the sexuality department, I connected more to straight friends as a whole and didn't really feel like I was missing anything or being disconnected. I suppose it helps having friends who are very open minded, supportive, and willing to listen and treat you the same as all the other guys and not be afraid to open up and actually talk about things.

 

[Catharsis]

It's not that I don't connect with my straight friends, which locally are the only friends I have, but like I said earlier - I want to make gay connections. Not that I want to use them for ulterior motives, meeting them solely to meet other people through them. I mean, I do want to make new friends I can connect with on a whole new level. But I can't help but feel that I'm really missing out on something by hanging out in a totally heterocentric (although homo-friendly) surrounding. It doesn't really give me a chance to explore my sexuality. And I seem to fail at any attempts I try to make on my own.

I suppose I should expand on what I mean by exploring my sexuality. If a hookup comes my way with a guy I find attractive, I may take it, but it's not what I'm looking for in the long term. I would like dating to find out what guys I'm attracted to - not just physically but also personality wise. I want to find out what type of guys I seem to attract, because clearly I must be missing out on them. Mostly though I want a gay social life! Not completely gay, mind you, but it'd be something new for me.

 

[Q Vee]

Have sex with guys then get to know them

Sad thing is, that's how some of my friendships with other queeelr guys start out.

Lol, that's how a lot of my friendships started

...Requests "interview" for potential friendship(s).... LOL!!

Actually, I have had this experience/phenomenon also.

I do not believe any of us are saying this is the best or only way but it can be one way to develop friends with the same sexuality. When I was your age I had the same question/desire. When I read your post the first thing that came to mind is: It just takes time.

Also, perhaps some of your straight friends have other gay/bi friends they could introduce to you. In any case, enjoy this time of your life as best you can and with all the gusto that your youth, safely, allows. It makes for some of the best and fondest memories.

 

[elshgaser24]

Where would we be without the Internet and gay networking websites?

 

[Catharsis]

Q_Vee, I wish that were the case, but as it is I am the gay friend of all my friends, it seems. I'm not going to ask them if they know any other cute gay guys they could introduce me to, but no one ever mentions they know another gay guy. Being introduced to someone, apparently, is the best way you can meet someone if you can't find him (or her) on your own. I've seen that success story on here a lot of times and I've heard it in person, too. Doesn't help my cause, lol. That is a minor reason why I want to get to know other gay guys but I suppose befriending any new person (gay or otherwise) can result in that, too. I just figured gay guys would know other gay guys best.

Elshgaser, what sites are you thinking of?

 

[funnyguy]

Cath, Have you tried OK Cupid? ( Yu have to answer lots of questions and write a profile page) But at least you know location and common interests.

 

[Catharsis]

Yup! I certainly do have an okcupid profile. It's gotten me nowhere though. A couple dates when I first joined it a year ago but literally nothing since. I've deleted all the questions recently because I felt it isn't actually much use, but I kept the rest of my profile.

I haven't been on it as much in the past couple weeks, but it is one of the online sources I've attempted to use to get to know local gay men.

 

[ScotRandom]

Ok read this too. Will reply in private again tomorrow.

 

[erratic]

Have you had people critique your profile for you? I thought my first profile was wittier than a whole season of Monty Python, but it got me nowhere - and when my friends looked at it for me, they politely pointed out that I came across as a douche. Not saying that you're coming across as a douche, but that some friendly pointers can help. They sure did for me.

Also, some of my gay friends who live in more rural areas use Grindr to meet people. Friends, hook-ups, the whole gamut. They're just very explicit (pardon the pun) about what it is they're looking for. But they find it more helpful than websites because you know who is around in real time.

I get how you feel, though. Straight friends are wonderful, but when I'm not around other gay people for extended periods I get lonely in a whole different way.

 

[theplayerking]

Go to coffeehouses and cafes rather then bars. The guys there are more likely to want to hang out and chat.

Join a gym and take a few group classes, especially yoga.

Find a fag hag. No, seriously. I’m not trying to demean women, but there are certain girls who know all of the gay boys within a 10-mile radius.

Look for guys a little older, say 28 to 32. Not necessarily for sex, but they will have a larger social circle the guys under 21.

 

[Catharsis]

No erratic, I haven't had my profile critiqued. But as far as Grindr goes, there's not much you can put on there besides whatever picture you use. Even on Scruff, you can have a bit of a profile. But I didn't put a lot on there, and its pretty inviting.

I just took a second look at my okcupid profile and I suppose I can come across as a little... brash. I wouldn't know though, because that's where I've had people actually talk to me. Granted, just a few and not for a while, but its something right?

I wish Grindr worked to my advantage, honestly. Because you're right, it does show locals in real time. I tried out an experiment to have a blank profile and, as I expected, loads of people messaged me. But once the face pic is shared they're not interested. What would happen is what always happened, though. Mostly I was ignored, with them simply not responding, and some of them blocked me. I don't know if its me or them, but the variables in that experiment seem to be split up into those two categories.

Theplayerking - I've never been to bars lol. Only ever been to clubs, but I suppose I could take a drive and go to the nearest cafe now and then. The suggestion to take a group class is interesting but... I've already done that, and only because my gym membership is paid for in my housing fees for college. Most of the people there just go to work out, no one sticks around afterward except for friends of the class instructor.

Also, a fag hag (or fruit fly, as I like to call them) is a rare gem. Since I'm friends with basically just straight guys, a fruit fly isn't exactly a fit to my social circle. But I do believe that about them!

 

[dylz]

i'm amazed that your face picture would shut down interest, cath! really, you're very attractive! but yes, it seems online people are very... fickle. i've chatted with people i got in touch with over a website and begun perfectly good conversations, and then as soon as face pictures are introduced into the mix... conversation over, apparently. like, damn, am i that ugly?

anyway. so unsurprisingly, the "making gay friends" thing through online avenues has basically never worked for me ever (with the exception of a small number of friends i got to know through an online forum -- no, not this one). but honestly, i've made a decent number of gay friends in real life without trying particularly hard. like, i would meet them just as i would any other person (through classes, social events and whatnot that tend to put people with mutual interests together), and then we'd become friends. in a number of cases, i didn't know they were gay at first, and only found out later (in some cases years later). in others, i knew they were, and that became another thing we could talk about together basically immediately.

sometimes i'd also be introduced to more gay people through friends who are more connected to that crowd ("fag hags" as they are often called if female). so yeah, i don't know, it just kind of happened. i will say that it didn't happen everywhere i've lived, though -- in one city, for some reason, i made basically zero gay friends, and not out of lack of trying.

two things that didn't work for me: going to gay-themed social events and going to bars. with the former, it just seemed that the whole "oh, i'm gay and you're gay, how nice" thing never seemed like enough to actually catalyze a friendship, probably because it's hard to actually have an in-depth conversation with people at these events and really find out more about what they're like. in maybe one case, i did end up becoming friends with someone i had initially met at such an event, but it was somewhere else that we actually started talking properly and legitimately struck up a decent rapport.

bars have never worked for me at all -- though, honestly, i rarely go. for one thing, a lot of them are loud as hell and difficult to have a decent conversation in, no matter how tipsy everyone is. people who do approach you tend to be very sexually forward and not really interested in what you actually have to say, nor really in saying anything interesting themselves. i've found hot guys to go home with at bars, but nearly without exception i don't find there's any chemistry between us beyond the sexual, and so it basically ends as a one-night stand.

 

[Infernal]

I keep my friends and sex separate. I have friends that are gay and straight, and then I have people I fuck with. They don't mix and it keeps things from getting out of hand. There aren't any issues with jealousy, or people chatting behind my back. Sometimes sex partners become friends, and then the sex stops. It works for me.

 

[pizauk]

Clubs, uni and online

 

[theplayerking]

Now that I think about it, ninety percent of my gay friends (and all of the close ones) were either (a) colleagues (b) introduced by another friend or (c) hookups who became fuck buddies who became friends.

Either I suck at meeting gay men or it happens less that one might think.

It’s probably a little of both.

 

[B_Elinvlad]

i slept with him first... lol