How much is sexual compatability important?

[MoeMood]

I am currently in a relationship with a man (been so far exactly one year and 2 months) and while everything I could ever want in a partner are there, I could discover as we progressed some issues with our sexual desires.

He is very little romantic, hates kissing and cuddling, his sex act is thr basic routine… i would suck him, he would barely touch me and then he just goes on to fuck and it all lasts for less than 30 mnts.
And he always needs to watch porn while we do it.

He has convinced me that he doesnt like to have sex all the time (which yes i do agree a relationship isnt always about sex) so we have sex like 2-3 times a month.

Aside from the incompatability in sex, I dif sacrifice most of the things i enjoy doing in a sexual activity because of love and attachment to him and because he is a good man too.

However the last 3 months I discovered that he does watch porn and masturbate by himself, almost daily.
I confronted him once and I told him: heck man, tell me you wanna do this, I will join.
We had a conversation about it and
While he promised to do so and not do that since we r together, I discovered he kept masturbating alone and watching porn

This has started to frustrate me and put me under stress.

I need advice

 

[Evenflow618]

Very important if that is not clicking then the relationship is doomed

 

[MoeMood]

Very important if that is not clicking then the relationship is doomed

With the basic things he does, I do enjoy the moment. But like i said I did sacrifice many things i like for the sake of having a stable partner.

However what I discovered lately is turning my head upside down

 

[halcyondays]

Porn isn't sex. It's voyeurism. Sexual fantasyland. Would you have the same concern if he was jacking to his own private sexual fantasies which he doesn't share with you?

To rejuvenate your sex life maybe ask what you can do to make his fantasies come true in your real world sex life. Find out what's acceptable to you both. Role play? Bondage? Costumes? Cuck? Dom? Multiple partners? Take your ordinary sex life to the next level. Experiment. Take it slow - a step at a time. See where it goes.

Counseling may be in order if you're not communicating. Sex counseling is available too.

 

[10cubsallguys]

He won't kiss. He won't cuddle. He's not romantic. He barely touches you. And he's getting his rocks off every day while only having sex with you only 2 or 3 times a month? And even on those 2 or 3 times, he has to watch porn to do it? My apologies to be the one to tell you this, but he's not sexually attracted to you. End of story.

That doesn't mean he doesn't love you, though his lying to you is a big red flag on its own. But it sounds like he's addicted to porn, and that it has warped his view of sex and/or his ability to become sexually attracted and connected to others.

If you love him and want to work things out, the two of you need to get some counseling immediately. If he refuses to go, then go by yourself so the therapist can help you decide whether this is a relationship you want to stay in and, when you decide it's not, can help you work on yourself to give you the ability to leave him.

I'm sorry you are going through this and wish you the best.

 

[nhguy78]

Sexual compatibility is often defined as attraction or no attraction. It may come down to willingness, libido, and timing. Sexuality is about attraction and not about behavior or action. I often thought my husband and I were not compatible. I was often horny and so was he. Later I realized when my libido started to dip I just wasn't interested. My.libido covered up my complete lack of interest in anyone. Yes, people can be beautiful to me and some downright amazing. Yes, it doesn't do anything for me sexually.

Perhaps, more people are on the asexual spectrum than we realize. This includes demisexuality which is not being at all sexually attracted to someone unless a deep emotional bond.

 

[MoeMood]

Thanks alot for the comments

For strange reason quoting and replying to you keeps giving me an error.


Concerning fulfilling his sexual fanasies, i am a very flexible man who can be into all, willing to try and experiment to which I aways told him that I am ready to try anything with him no matter what, except threeesomes and orgies which I dont think are things he want.
Heck I even agrees with him for some bondage, soft bdsm, pissplay… but none of it ever happenned.
I really find myself trying hard with him like I said, I sacrifices most things I enjoy or would look to be doing in a physical contact.

Update:

I confronted him yesterday about his last night where he was masturbating and he confessed and he said:

Well, I do love women and I need the time alone to just let go of that…

However, on that night in which he masturbated I took him out for dinner with my family.

I felt torn apart, I told him that he is confused and nkt ready yet to be committed

 

[10cubsallguys]

If he's bisexual and needs an OCCASIONAL porn video to get some release, that's fine. But he's doing it EVERY. DAMN. DAY. And ignoring your needs in the process. That's just downright selfish and shows a lack of caring.

I stand by my previous statement that he's not sexually attracted to you. He may love you, but right now his focus is solely on women. His actions of refusing to cuddle with you, kiss you, and more proves it. And if he hasn't cheated on you yet, he will.

You need to tell him that the two of you need couples counseling. If he refuses, then you need to leave him. If you need help to do that, or to help with you rebuild anything he's torn down about yourself, then you should go to counseling on your own.

 

[MoeMood]

If he's bisexual and needs an OCCASIONAL porn video to get some release, that's fine. But he's doing it EVERY. DAMN. DAY. And ignoring your needs in the process. That's just downright selfish and shows a lack of caring.

I stand by my previous statement that he's not sexually attracted to you. He may love you, but right now his focus is solely on women. His actions of refusing to cuddle with you, kiss you, and more proves it. And if he hasn't cheated on you yet, he will.

You need to tell him that the two of you need couples counseling. If he refuses, then you need to leave him. If you need help to do that, or to help with you rebuild anything he's torn down about yourself, then you should go to counseling on your own.

thanks alot for this

I did tell him that he is confused and not ready perhaps.

I will see how things turn. I already made my points clear.

I am very aware of my situation and I don't have high hopes that he is suddenly going to change and quit.

I can be understanding, but I don't need to be putting myself under stress just because of attachment.

I will hope for the best.

It is really disappointing to end a good relationship for such selfish motives from a partner.

 

[pretzelslut]

I agree with the others; counseling is your wisest option.

Speaking from experience; I was in a two year long deep relationship with my ex and I often would bounce between being hypersexual some days of the month or week and not having any sexual interest in him at all. I would question myself alot if I jumped into the relationship too soon as my physical attraction to him seemed extremely inconsistent. After we split and I faced the brunt of my depression I realized that it was my own mental health making my libido jump all over the place and I indeed was in fact always physically attracted to him (we would still hook up here and there and were keeping up with eachother).

I'm not saying your partner is me, but sex is a very intimate act, regardless of what people may preach otherwise. Untimately you two are just out of sync and counseling may get you two back on the same page, or at least give you better insight about yourselves and the relationship.

As for the masturbation, it is important that you communicate that you're willing to participate and that you also have sexual needs you feel are unfulfilled, but also take it with a grain of salt; timing is another factor as sometimes you just need to blow off steam and you should respect the time he may want to himself. You can't force the intimacy, has to happen naturally.

 

[notthatguy]

I have a group of girls who I have sex regularly. I wanted to add two others but they were only interested in having sex once a week. Obviously, they were not sexually compatible with me

 

[marriedasian]

It's only as important as you want it to be within your own value system that defines what kind of relationship you want, and is positively or negatively affected by your partners view on it as well.

The only reason why people keep saying "you need to be sexually compatible" is because society has an obsession with sex. Instead, you should be saying "how compatible are we as a whole". Only after that can you then begin to weigh in on the importance of any "compatibility" whether it be sex, money, child rearing, morals, ethics, politics, and/or whatever else.

If sex is your #1 and to your partner, it's #10, then there's gonna be some friction ONLY when it comes to sex however your #2 thru #9 could line up perfectly with your partner's and life is very, very good minus the sex. I can't tell you how many women I've talked to who always says "he's perfect but the bedroom is dead"... meaning they're not willing to give up the rest for the lack of sex. Most will just tolerate it while others will share a bed with me and my wife when the itch comes to past whether their hubby knows it or not.

My point is that life is more than just sex unless sex is your ultimate #1 above all else (money, family, career, etc.); in which case, start with that as you approach all relationships. Put it in all your dating profiles and lead with it.

Personally, sex is in my top 3 for my marriage. It's #2 for my wife. Part of our deal for marriage was that we never say no to each other when sex is asked for NO MATTER WHAT. To this day, my wife has never turned me down and nor I to her. We fuck when we're hungry, we fuck when we're sad, we fuck when we're mad at each other, and we fuck even when we don't want to fuck.

 

[ILoveGames48]

Sounds to me like he is extremely addicted to porn.. he watches it .. strokes his dick the way he wants cum when he wants.. it’s a cycle he gets used to..

Just sit down without yelling and tell him he needs help ..

I watch a lot of porn but whenever someone is there wanting sex I am all for it ..

People being addicted to porn is growing more day after day ..

A friend of mine is 49 years old and has never had a blowjob.. sucked a dick or been fucked .. he uses toys to satisfy all his needs ..


Porn is supposed to be a form of entertainment to spicen things up in the bedroom .. not to become addicted to it and kill what was going on to stop in bedroom..


And if he isn’t willing to realize it and get help and all.. tell him it’s over.. and find you someone that’s wanting the same things. As you do ..

We only live one life .. make the best of it

 

[bravesoldier]

I am currently in a relationship with a man (been so far exactly one year and 2 months) and while everything I could ever want in a partner are there, I could discover as we progressed some issues with our sexual desires.

He is very little romantic, hates kissing and cuddling, his sex act is thr basic routine… i would suck him, he would barely touch me and then he just goes on to fuck and it all lasts for less than 30 mnts.
And he always needs to watch porn while we do it.

He has convinced me that he doesnt like to have sex all the time (which yes i do agree a relationship isnt always about sex) so we have sex like 2-3 times a month.

Aside from the incompatability in sex, I dif sacrifice most of the things i enjoy doing in a sexual activity because of love and attachment to him and because he is a good man too.

However the last 3 months I discovered that he does watch porn and masturbate by himself, almost daily.
I confronted him once and I told him: heck man, tell me you wanna do this, I will join.
We had a conversation about it and
While he promised to do so and not do that since we r together, I discovered he kept masturbating alone and watching porn

This has started to frustrate me and put me under stress.

I need advice

As you've heard I'm sure porn can make real sex seem minimal. If he's watching porn and masturbating every day that's the problem. Nothing will measure up to the porn. Male or female porn actors are chosen for their large size and looks. There's some awful, cheap porn but there's some mind-blowing porn too. I believe he knows he's addicted, and addiction (to anything) is a monumental statement. It rules you. Sex is addictive and can do a lot of damage to a relationship. I broke it off with my BF because of his addiction to outside sex that ruined our relationship. He did things like fuck his brother-in-law's husband and even his son's best friend who is gay. The last straw was when he didn't visit me for nine months but came over when a hot stud was available where I live. The kicker was when I backed off (slowly that is) he never asked me the first question. When he finally got the hint, he just left. If he'd pursued the relationship and wanted to talk, he might could have saved the relationship. I was done with him when I began backing off but as said, if he'd come after the relationship, he might could have saved it. Not the case though.

No need for further explanation.

 

[dreamer20]

I've a relationship (~14 months) with sexual desire issues. He hates kissing & cuddling. His basic sex routine = I suck him, he barely touches me, GOTO fuck And watches porn while we do it. He doesnt like sex all the time, so we have sex ~2-3 times a month. Aside from the incompatability in sex, I sacrificed what I enjoyed in a sexual activity because I love him - he' is a good man..3 months ago I discovered that he watches porn & masturbates alone, almost daily. Once I confronted him <& said I wanted to join in>. While he promised to stop..I discovered he kept masturbating alone and watching porn..This has frustrated me and put me under stress. I need advice

I advise you accept the fact he enjoys watching porn and masturbating alone without blowing your top. Let him have his alone time. But you need not sacrifice any sexual activity you enjoy for his sake. Ask him to spend more time with you and do what is needed to make the MoeMood basic sex routine an enjoyable reality. If he can't help you - find someone else to kiss, cuddle and have sex with.

 

[ILoveGames48]

If it’s just sex.. then none..

 

[MoeMood]

Everyone here is being helpful.

I am ok with giving him his own space; I have been doing this. Every weekend, I leave to visit my parents for two days. We give each other space to connect with others. That is why, I am frustrated for what he does when we are together.

I am very loyal; I even stopped masturbating because hell, I started this relationship because why would I want to masturbate when I have the person I love right over there???


However, he promised me he will help himself; as I try to tell him that things need time, but he needs to train his mind that his pleasure should not come from his hand touching his dick, but from the bonding and contact he is having with me.

I have learned from experience that giving people time and more chances mostly ends up to be a very stupid idea because people do not easily change or give up what they like no matter what...

I will wait a little and see how honest he is.
What do you think?

 

[DerAntichrist666]

No sexual compatibility no relationship at all

 

[dreamer20]

I am very loyal; I even stopped masturbating because hell, I started this relationship because why would I want to masturbate when I have the person I love right over there??? ... He needs to train his mind that his pleasure should not come from his hand touching his dick, but from the bonding and contact he is having with me.
What do you think?

I think you didn't read my post for starters. I'll to refer to your friend as Goodman. Please discard the weird, ridiculous notion either you or Goodman must suddenly give up the pleasure of alone time masturbation because you are in a relationship. Although you found pleasure in this too, MoeMood, you arbitrarily decided to abstain and make a big issue of this non issue for Goodman - willfully choosing discord instead of happily endorsing and indulging in a practice you both liked. Let him know this is no longer an issue for you and stop rowing about it. You need to discuss the enjoyable sexual activities that you claim to have "sacrificed" and see what he is willing to indulge in.

 

[MisterB]

I find sexual compatibility comparable to test driving a car. I will not purchase a car I've not test driven and decided hey, this is the vehicle for me. Sure, there are other cars out there, but the one I bought is the one for me.

Just I would have to test drive a potential romantic partner.

I would not ever enter into a romantic relationship in which we'd not had physical relations to make sure that we both are compatible. Nor could I consider remaining in said relationship if my partner is no longer interested in sex with me but prefers himself. Because for ME, sexual compatibility is a cornerstone of a romantic relationship.

And if we are not sexually compatible but compatible in other areas, that's what friends are for.

Now, I realize that there are a lot of people in relationships that no longer involve sex between those in said relationship. And if that works for them, YAY!

But not normally just a bit after being together for a year. As to the OP's dilemma, if your partner is not willing to meet your sexual needs, then you have some decisions to make.

Do you talk with him and work on improving your sex life? Do you continue the status quo in which you are clearly not happy?

I ask because one thing I learned is that I'd rather be unhappy by myself than stuck in a miserable relationship.

Good luck with everything you are dealing with. I hope it works out for both of you, whatever the end result may be.