How To Filter Guys Who Just Want Sex From Those That Might View You As More Than Holes?

[openfall]

Hi, when I used dating apps I sometimes got messages like "You're the first guy who hasn't sent me a dick pic straight after a reply" or "You seem nice and haven't asked me whether I fuck on first dates! hahaha"

I understand you may be a woman who'd like sex and doesn't want any more intimacy than that. But I feel somewhere stuck - actually I'd love so share moments of intimate mutually satisfying sex, I don't want commitments but I do care about people more than just the sex. I'd love to let a woman enjoy my body and please her with it and explore her body too. But I'm also a bit traditional and don't wave my ding around for just anyone. Plus, I'm not turned on by just one type of woman, personality actually arouses me much more. I may sound like a weirdo, I have more female friends than guys, I'm not a total loser, honestly, and I am very male. But do how women discern between those guys who care and those who just will use? How can guys escape objectification of women syndrome and turn on women who want straightforward enjoyable sex?

Really, my question beneath this is please tell me how you actually weigh up guys? I think most societies indoctrinate us into a 'male' heterosexual perspective on everything but as a man I want to appreciate the female gaze. I know every woman will have her own thoughts, please share.

 

[Tactfulgal]

Hi, when I used dating apps I sometimes got messages like "You're the first guy who hasn't sent me a dick pic straight after a reply" or "You seem nice and haven't asked me whether I fuck on first dates! hahaha"

I understand you may be a woman who'd like sex and doesn't want any more intimacy than that. But I feel somewhere stuck - actually I'd love so share moments of intimate mutually satisfying sex, I don't want commitments but I do care about people more than just the sex. I'd love to let a woman enjoy my body and please her with it and explore her body too. But I'm also a bit traditional and don't wave my ding around for just anyone. Plus, I'm not turned on by just one type of woman, personality actually arouses me much more. I may sound like a weirdo, I have more female friends than guys, I'm not a total loser, honestly, and I am very male. But do how women discern between those guys who care and those who just will use? How can guys escape objectification of women syndrome and turn on women who want straightforward enjoyable sex?

Really, my question beneath this is please tell me how you actually weigh up guys? I think most societies indoctrinate us into a 'male' heterosexual perspective on everything but as a man I want to appreciate the female gaze. I know every woman will have her own thoughts, please share.

If you're feeling stuck, it might be you're looking for something that may not exist. It sounds like you're looking for a real connection, except you don't want a commitment. So you want someone who will get to know you and appreciate you but who won't want the relationship to continue to progress. That's an odd contradiction. I might consider thinking about what's underlying the fear of some kind of commitment. If you were more open to finding a real relationship you might find yourself getting unstuck.

 

[openfall]

If you're feeling stuck, it might be you're looking for something that may not exist. It sounds like you're looking for a real connection, except you don't want a commitment. So you want someone who will get to know you and appreciate you but who won't want the relationship to continue to progress. That's an odd contradiction. I might consider thinking about what's underlying the fear of some kind of commitment. If you were more open to finding a real relationship you might find yourself getting unstuck.

Thank you for this thoughtful analysis. You are probably right! I'm a walking contradiction ;-)

But I am genuinely interested too in just hearing and learning more about what a variety of women are really looking for in a man. I guess too, what relationships work. From your reply, it seems that willingness to commit could be important to you. Is that true?

 

[Tactfulgal]

Thank you for this thoughtful analysis. You are probably right! I'm a walking contradiction ;-)

But I am genuinely interested too in just hearing and learning more about what a variety of women are really looking for in a man. I guess too, what relationships work. From your reply, it seems that willingness to commit could be important to you. Is that true?

It's a foolish question. I say that not to be mean, but because every day here some guy starts a thread asking essentially the same question. You're fundamentally misunderstanding how human attraction works. It is not a math equation that can be understood in the way you're trying to. You cannot assign a specific value to one objective quality, another value to another quality, and predict what will happen. Most women like a guy to be confident but unassuming. Beyond that it's about chemistry and the specific person.

 

[Tight_N_Juicy]

One thing I can say I *don't* do when "weighing up" a man: investigate his cock-size.

As Tactful mentioned, there is no equation, no recipe for attraction.. and I've found so many different types of men attractive fit different reasons throughout my life.

I have had casual relationships like the one you describe wanting, but personally I do prefer having the commitment I have now with my man. And he and I haven't been monogamous throughout our entire relationship. For me, what I have now is exponentially more satisfying on every level than casual sex ever was.

 

[Scarletbegonia]

I can’t say I’ve ever “weighed up” a guy.
After something sparked, and it looked like it might be A Thing, I’ve gone through potential outcomes (read, overthinking the damn thing) and on a couple started to imagine what a potential forever might look like...or trying for forever.

none of this was on a physical level, aside from “do our activity levels compliment one another?”
I hike. I handle endurance well but struggle on making time. On a quick morning hike, that’s no biggie. On a solo section hike, it matters not. But something like rim to river in the Grand Canyon? With someone? Yeah, my speed matters.
If he’s someone with no outdoor activity at all, I’m concerned. Fishing (drinking) with his buddies once a year is not outdoor activity.
OTOH, I’m not a great match for someone who lives to cycle. I don’t, at all.
If they do a weekly ride, or it’s their solo exercise and it’s not something I’m expected to do or physically support often (think monthly races versus quarterly races), then it could be ok.

Non readers, TV sleepers, non music people all give me pause.

Beer is a hard limit for me. I can’t abide the smell, and it comes through pores.
I won’t cook meat.

see how none of that is physical?

 

[openfall]

Thank you so much for these responses! This is actually very interesting. I think generally men do what to simplify stuff, reduce the complex down to fixable elements. Some women do this too but men are more inclined to this. It's one of the reasons I prefer female friends, there is less positioning and reductionism. I share your perspectives too about type of partner - I've found myself attracted to women of all types, ages, styles, body shapes, you name it! Clearly, some people don't appeal to me, but there is no rule I can discern to nail that down.

Yes, it is a stupid question. But your responses show us men that. When will we learn to stop asking!

But here's the thing we need help with - if dick pics, bragging rights on bodies beautiful, showing off our style, car, bling aint no good, if bragging about our adventures and successes seems pathetic, how do we reveal the authentic qualities women would like to see?

Aside, I think all of you who have responded here are seriously gorgeous! Honestly, that you can respond to me with patience and thoughtfulness is a big turn on. Thank you!

 

[Scarletbegonia]

We like big brains and we cannot lie

 

[EllieP]

Like Scarlet, it was a spark for me. Our eyes locked, and neither of us could look away. I had a list or requirements for my dream guy. I'm so glad I threw that away before I met him because he wouldn't have checked off too many. Just goes to show that I had no idea what I was looking for.

 

[Scarletbegonia]

EllieP is remembering my story of meeting my guy.

I was lucky. My ex husband and I were struck by lightning and knew we had to be together within two days of getting together. it was my one and only “one night stand.”
Actually it was to be a few week fling.
It lasted 14 years.
My current one was almost as striking, but we are older and more cautious. Or been burned. Or list hope. Depending on the day.

 

[EllieP]

Thanks for this!
But do you think your man (or men generally) continue to work to a checklist about themselves even if their woman has never had one? Could this be why so many become suspicious or start acting weird, because they know they've slipped on their own list?

I fear many guys are a bit lost. I'm not, honestly!

I was celibate for almost two years. I actually had quit looking. After seven years I figured I'd never find a man interested in a long-term relationship with a single mother. He was a couple of years out of a very bitter divorce, and he definitely wasn't looking.

He confessed once that he was afraid to take our relationship further because according to him a woman like me could have any man she wanted. I asked him why he thought I was still single then. I told him that statement was false. I also told him I was afraid to be with him because he probably had a woman at every venue. He just laughed at that and said that may have been true years ago, but not anymore.

We realized that we had to build trust from scratch. And one of the things that cemented that trust was knowing how much we were hurt by cheating spouses before. And we both knew that we could never put someone we loved so much in that much pain. That's not the only thing, but it's a big thing.

 

[Scarletbegonia]

As for doing the work of relationship, and the work of being human, yes we keep doing it. Sometimes consistently, sometimes sporadically.

 

[neutrno]

There are two different situations: looking for a friend who may become a sex partner, or looking for a sex partner who may become a friend.

Both may end up as a long term relationship.

If I'm looking for a man just because I want to fuck, I'll probably use a website that exists for that purpose. Lots of men are going to contact me, just because there are a lot more men than women in these sites, not because I'm something special.

Then I'll answer and it'll be something between their looks naked (not the dick!) and something that made me curious about how they fuck. When I'm looking for sex, I want something out of the ordinary. It's so much bother and risk, I have to think it's worth it. The best men for sex with me are the ones who want to try new things and are good at fingering. Bonus point if they want me to play with their arses and want to play with mine. I love having sex with guys who have fetishes.

In my experience, it's a lot about not saying certain things, too. For instance, if a guy calls me milf, I won't fuck him. Young men looking for older women who'd teach them something... I won't fuck them either. I like men my age who are also somewhat bored with ordinary sex (40s, 50s).

Now, if I'm looking for a friend, it's about good conversation, not a drinker, no drugs, no religion, nice guy. We'll fuck, but it's not just sex.

I don't feel offended by men who just want sex. I feel offended if that's what he wants AND he pretends it is something else.

 

[deleted924715]

When it comes to users I trust my gut

When it comes to who I am attracted to, it's chemistry and how he makes me feel.

I would find someone not looking for commitment off-putting and this is where I'm a hypocrite. I might not be looking for commitment either but I don't want anyone trying to limit me - I want to be free to fall for whoever I want to fall for. No disclaimers.

I think you need to manage your expectations if you think someone is going to share intimacy, rather than just sex, without any commitment on your part. I'm not going to behave like a girlfriend for someone who makes a production about not wanting a girlfriend. Of course that's just me and YMMV