I have a dilemma

[Monmagna]

Long read. I’ll appreciate it if you take the time;

I’m in a homosexual relationship for 10 years now and I have always said I don’t want kids. I also didn’t think I’ve ever get married or be with anyone. I’ve always been curious about women but I am well aware I am aware I’ve always liked men.
My thing is, I can’t just do hook ups. Even though I can be sexual, I have to know the person before gettin intimate. I have only been in my current relationships aside from my high school fling and some friends I messed around here and there with teasing and flirting (before getting in my current relationship.
Truth be told, I love my partner but I don’t think I love him like head over heels for him. Not anymore. Things have been very rocky and at first I would always chase and apologize for things. I honestly don’t know why I did. I have grown accustomed to his presence and he is actually a great, loving and caring person.
We had almost broke up a few years ago but ended up working things out and moving in together. At some point, I was determined to call it quits and it’s like every time I make up my mind he starts doing all these nice things and I honestly do not want to hurt him. He doesn’t deserve it. Yet, I also want to be honest with him and tell him I no longer want to be with him because I am not happy and I don’t feel like I can express or be as open as I want to be with him as I am with those I’m close with.
Even if it means having him and anything to do with him completely out of my life. I love his family and we get along very well ( on that note, only his sister and some/maybe a cousin knows we are more than just roommates/friends). Although I am sure his family knows we are a couple, he has NOT come out and he hasn’t even told his parents.
We both kinda don’t believe in marriage, he used to at one point but I pretty much told him I don’t. It’s just a paper and it’s for benefits. He comes from money and I don’t. I never cared about his social class or his money. I genuinely loved him for him. But over time, it kinda faded. I suggested therapy but he refused. We kinda just live together and whatnot. Lately he’s been initiating the intimacy but I’ve kinda just keeping my distance as I feel bad because I know my feelings have changed. (We still get intimate as when the fire gets started it need to be put out)
I don’t know if there’s fixing it or if I even want to fix things. I know it won’t be the same as that ship has sailed.
On another note, a straight girl-friend mine, my age, wants to have kids but she’s single and in multiple occasions has told me and our other friends she’s serious about having children with me. She knows I am gay and that I am in a relationship… and that my partner does not want kids and that I don’t want/believe in marriage.
The main reason I did not want to have kids is because I know my sexuality and I believe a child needs a mom and I am not just going to have a child and not be there for them. She was okay with us raising the child and share custody and help each other like single parents but with mutual understanding. Like when she has to work or hang with her friends I can stay with the child and when I work or have to travel she can be with them. We’re both professionals and I have really been considering.
There’s another thing though. I had some adverse childhood experiences to put it in better terms. I was taken advantage of as a kid and I wouldn’t want someone else to raise my child. Plus the way the world is it’s kind of messed up to even want to bring another person who will eventually become a person who’ll have to live in this world with a very unpredictable future. Things aren’t looking good for future generations.

Back to this mess; I also have a male friend who’s straight and whom I met in college and we became real close but not in a sexual way. Like family close. He’s younger and I care about him but like a nephew or a best friend. Hs here with a student visa which is about to expire in the upcoming years. Him and his girlfriend did not work out and well he’s asked me to think about the possibility of us getting married…

I don’t know what to do. He’s a man and I like men. He’s not ugly and we are very close and open with each other. It could work but idk.. I know it wouldn’t be for the right reasons. I have considered it to help him. but I’ve kinda also been seeing him as a man. Now that he’s older and we don’t see each other as much. I know he’s straight and considering the last straw. But if I were to actually marry him I may actually end up liking him. Yet, I know he’s not into men. We are close enough to have talk about these things and I believe he was honest. He’s actually had a few girlfriends and some booty calls. I mean, he’s comfortable in his skin and his sexuality and from the start he knew I am gay and in a relationship and assured him I wasn’t into him like that.. he was an adult but too young when we met. He’s in his mid 20s now(a mature looking adult) and I’m in my early 30s. What do you guys think? What would you do in my situation?

 

[Kazimir]

That's...a lot of questions.
I'm going to boil it down to three:

1) Should I stay with my boyfriend?
Without knowing anything about the two of you, it's impossible to give you meaningful advice. It sounds like the relationship doesn't feel the way you want, or the way it used to. Feeling head over heels about someone 100% of the time is not a requirement for a good relationship. Relationships can last an entire lifetime on comfort rather than passion. But you have to be alright with that sort of ambivalent feeling, and from the way you talk about it — "I no longer want to be with him because I am not happy" "I don’t know if there’s fixing it or if I even want to fix things" — I don't think you are. It sounds like deep down you've already decided to move on, but are nervous to take that leap. Is that fair to say?

2) Should I have a baby with my friend?
Sure, if you want to. I will say, it's kind of creepy of her to tell your friends how she wants your sperm, but whatever — girls are weird...
Again, this is too personal of a question to really advise you. But I will say don't let anxieties about the future decide for you; not even the wisest can really know the future.
If you do want to have a child, I think that's a great way of going about it. That way, the kid still has a mother, your friend gets a child fathered by someone she knows and trusts, and you don't get stuck in an unfulfilling romance with someone you're not attracted to. Wins all around. So, if you do want to have a kid, I'd seriously consider it.
That said, as someone who works in family law, I say get your agreement in writing. Preferably notarized. These things can get ugly if you have disagreements down the road.

3) Should I green-card my friend?
I probably would, in your shoes. You would need to A) go though the laws and see what exactly the state would expect of you, and B) have a completely 100% candid conversation about all of this. Nothing can be left out. Boundaries need to be drawn with absolute clarity. If you're worried you'll catch feelings, you can't spring that on him down the line. If that's a deal-breaker for him, you deserve to know. There are too many unknowns now to say anything for sure, but if you can come to an agreement that suits both of you, why not? Just bear in mind he might not be interested in being your husband in any way other than on paper. This may well be more of a "permanent platonic roommate" situation. Since you guys sound so close, maybe that's something you'd be amenable to. But if that upsets you, it's good to air that concern now, not later on when it's too late for him to make other decisions.

That's my two cents.

 

[kakaf]

I hate to tell you the bullshit everyone else says that "follow your heart", cause there isn't a "heart" to follow, everyone changes.

Ask yourself the question why you and your partner were together in the first place. Was it because of apperance, personality, money (you said money wasn't one of the matters, I believe you but "having money" and "loving money" are two different things), background, or perhaps sexual satisfaction? But if you think about it, none of these will last forever - you will get old and become ugly, your personality may alter a lot after years, and background/environment keeps changing too, finally you will have a lower hormones and show less interest in the sex life.

You said your partner refuses to see a therapist, that's fine. But at least try having a regular candid conversation whenever you both feel fine and are ready to talk. And don't just talk, you need solutions and actions - for instance, if you feel bored staying with him, then advise him what you and him will do for next, ask his opinion, he may want to give a shot. You tell him your future plans (if you don't have a plan, that's also fine, you can tell him your agenda for the next week), ask him is there any activities he wants to be invloved.

Next: Raise a pet with him if you don't own one yet. Cook together. Travel together. Watch movie together. Make everything looks like a date.

 

[Monmagna]

That's...a lot of questions.
I'm going to boil it down to three:

1) Should I stay with my boyfriend?
Without knowing anything about the two of you, it's impossible to give you meaningful advice. It sounds like the relationship doesn't feel the way you want, or the way it used to. Feeling head over heels about someone 100% of the time is not a requirement for a good relationship. Relationships can last an entire lifetime on comfort rather than passion. But you have to be alright with that sort of ambivalent feeling, and from the way you talk about it — "I no longer want to be with him because I am not happy" "I don’t know if there’s fixing it or if I even want to fix things" — I don't think you are. It sounds like deep down you've already decided to move on, but are nervous to take that leap. Is that fair to say?

2) Should I have a baby with my friend?
Sure, if you want to. I will say, it's kind of creepy of her to tell your friends how she wants your sperm, but whatever — girls are weird...
Again, this is too personal of a question to really advise you. But I will say don't let anxieties about the future decide for you; not even the wisest can really know the future.
If you do want to have a child, I think that's a great way of going about it. That way, the kid still has a mother, your friend gets a child fathered by someone she knows and trusts, and you don't get stuck in an unfulfilling romance with someone you're not attracted to. Wins all around. So, if you do want to have a kid, I'd seriously consider it.
That said, as someone who works in family law, I say get your agreement in writing. Preferably notarized. These things can get ugly if you have disagreements down the road.

3) Should I green-card my friend?
I probably would, in your shoes. You would need to A) go though the laws and see what exactly the state would expect of you, and B) have a completely 100% candid conversation about all of this. Nothing can be left out. Boundaries need to be drawn with absolute clarity. If you're worried you'll catch feelings, you can't spring that on him down the line. If that's a deal-breaker for him, you deserve to know. There are too many unknowns now to say anything for sure, but if you can come to an agreement that suits both of you, why not? Just bear in mind he might not be interested in being your husband in any way other than on paper. This may well be more of a "permanent platonic roommate" situation. Since you guys sound so close, maybe that's something you'd be amenable to. But if that upsets you, it's good to air that concern now, not later on when it's too late for him to make other decisions.

That's my two cents.

Thank you so much for your two cents. Really appreciate it.
1) Absolutely the position I am in. Definitely do not know how to go about it. I don’t want to hurt him but I also feel bad because I no longer love him or see a future with him.. sometimes I feel like I rather just be alone. I know his reaction won’t be the best due to past experiences. He tends so isolate and even though I may not be in love with him I still love and care about him and his well-being. He tends to shut out everyone and suppress his feelings.
2) I have been thinking about it a lot. It’s the only way that’d it would be fair for the child. I definitely want to be present and be a part of their upbringing. Teach them languages and take them on trips and events of things they may be interested in. I am not much of a material person and appreciate more the experiences one can have in life. Would also like to plan or at least come up with a parenting strategy.. not just have a child to have a child. Eventually they’ll grow up and be their own person. I am totally on board with some type of notarized document. Change is the only thing constant in life and being a parent can bring about a lot of changes in one’s view of things.
3) I am aware and do not expect anything other than a friendship. I wouldn’t want to mess anything up for either of us. I told him to try to just go about life to and maybe he’ll find someone whom he can actually be with and get to stay here without having to come to that last resort. We communicate very openly and we have a pretty good idea of each other’s limits are. I wouldn’t want to mess our friendship either. Plus, I feel like I am comfortable enough to say whatever without being judge. The worst that can happen is the other person doesn’t feel the same way and well, c’est la vie. Life goes on. I don’t know if I want to be dealing with actual feelings. I am aware it it a possible though but with time everything passes.
Thank you, again.

 

[Monmagna]

I hate to tell you the bullshit everyone else says that "follow your heart", cause there isn't a "heart" to follow, everyone changes.

Ask yourself the question why you and your partner were together in the first place. Was it because of apperance, personality, money (you said money wasn't one of the matters, I believe you but "having money" and "loving money" are two different things), background, or perhaps sexual satisfaction? But if you think about it, none of these will last forever - you will get old and become ugly, your personality may alter a lot after years, and background/environment keeps changing too, finally you will have a lower hormones and show less interest in the sex life.

You said your partner refuses to see a therapist, that's fine. But at least try having a regular candid conversation whenever you both feel fine and are ready to talk. And don't just talk, you need solutions and actions - for instance, if you feel bored staying with him, then advise him what you and him will do for next, ask his opinion, he may want to give a shot. You tell him your future plans (if you don't have a plan, that's also fine, you can tell him your agenda for the next week), ask him is there any activities he wants to be invloved.

Next: Raise a pet with him if you don't own one yet. Cook together. Travel together. Watch movie together. Make everything looks like a date.

Thank you for your input!
I appreciate it.
We got together because of our views and similarities in culture and pretty much being in similar situations. He wanted to be with someone for life and I though I wanted that, too. Not just a random good moment here and there. I admire his smarts and caring nature and also very genuine. I was his first everything. I feel like he’s giving me more than I could ever ask for but I am not reciprocating. Like I am not good enough for him. The cliche way of saying he deserves better. I know my worth, don’t get me wrong but he kinda wants someone to be his everything in one package. I’m very extroverted and he’s the complete opposite.
sexual satisfaction perhaps not the best. I feel like I satisfy him as I know what he likes. But it’s gotten so blah and routine. I like trying new things and he is not too open to that. I like oral but he’s like not too fond of it. He does it occasionally. And I can’t say I enjoy it too much. I’d do it to him whenever in the mood but lately not even that. I try to tell him and show him what feels best but idk. Doesn’t do it for me.
The communication with him has always been an issue. He’s very conservative and there are many things that are off the table. He’d go days without talking when upset and would want to just message but when it comes to talking in person he wouldn’t even mention it.
we used to travel together when we first got together. We used to have a distance relationship for years.. I’d always come over to his place and he’d come for like my birthday or on a holiday briefly. He’d stay once or twice.
We do have some pets together aside from that he doesn’t like going on dates or eating at restaurants. He’s too comfortable in his safe zone and I want to try new things and do more new things rather then repetition.
I mean here and there doing the same ting is fine.. but every time.. I like more spontaneities. He’s too by the book.
I can’t help but feel like I am at fault because when he did try to do more spontaneous things he’d say I’d make him feel left out. Like going to events he’d want me to just stay at a table with him and if I got up and spend time with my friends he’d say I just abandon him. And the times we traveled together I can’t say I got to enjoy it much.

 

[1373263]

I can relate to the female friend wanting to start a family part...
A FB who I have known since I was 28 asked me if I would be a father to her children in the normal way. We get along really well an dhave lived together at various points in the past, but neither of us have wanted strings attached as she has been a career girl and I've waxed and waned regarding my sexuality at times.
I've thought long and hard about it and she has agreed to come back to me in 6 months for an answer. I really want to have a family and she would be one to do so with, but my sexuality is such that I have had long periods where I have been interested in women exclusively, both men and women, and more recently a BF has provided me with something to think about in terms of cock size and sexual energy. I have questioned if this interest indicates that I'm gay or tending that way, but it really doesn't matter to me if I am "gay" or "bisexual".
FB knows about BF and understands that I need to try "being gay" (as she puts it) for now, but is clear in her own mind that I am the person she wants to father her family. I have told her that being a sperm donor only is not an option as I believe children need a father who is at least part of their lives, and she accepts that.

 

[Samshung2022]

I hate to say this, but you received bad advise on #3. Reason: Immigration does not play when it comes to marrying foreigners. You will need to live together for a good 3 years. They will check for photos, social media for evidence of being a married couple. If none of these things exist, they will see it as an arranged marriage involving money. The fines involved is no laughing matter. As for the other parts of your life you are questioning, it’s due to the lack of experience with being with just one relationship. The other side is not always greener. Think about what you have now and what life will be like without him.

 

[Monmagna]

I can relate to the female friend wanting to start a family part...
A FB who I have known since I was 28 asked me if I would be a father to her children in the normal way. We get along really well an dhave lived together at various points in the past, but neither of us have wanted strings attached as she has been a career girl and I've waxed and waned regarding my sexuality at times.
I've thought long and hard about it and she has agreed to come back to me in 6 months for an answer. I really want to have a family and she would be one to do so with, but my sexuality is such that I have had long periods where I have been interested in women exclusively, both men and women, and more recently a BF has provided me with something to think about in terms of cock size and sexual energy. I have questioned if this interest indicates that I'm gay or tending that way, but it really doesn't matter to me if I am "gay" or "bisexual".
FB knows about BF and understands that I need to try "being gay" (as she puts it) for now, but is clear in her own mind that I am the person she wants to father her family. I have told her that being a sperm donor only is not an option as I believe children need a father who is at least part of their lives, and she accepts that.

Thanks for your reply.
What is FB? Sorry I’m not too familiar with the abbreviations. is that FwB(friend with benefits)
I believe with my situation, and my friend who wants me to father her child, is like she believes she can turn me lol I have told her I’ve always been curious of being with a woman. I’ve only got first maybe second base with women. No actual intercourse. I am not the feminine type. I have been an athlete since I can remember. Always played sports with family and friends and throughout college. I like to stay active and in shape. However, I am in touch with my femininity one can say. I used to be a dancer which is how I met my guy friend who’s visa is expiring soon. Even yoga which my female friend and I have gone to together quite often. Sometimes people think we are a couple. A lot of the people I meet, especially women I tell them I am gay and I have a boyfriend they think I’m joking and for some reason as they become attracted as if I’m playing some type of reverse psychology trick to get with them. I don’t go announcing to everyone I am gay though as I feel whomever I prefer to love is not anybody’s business. I have a partner and those close to me know and that’s all that matters to me.
It’s most likely because of the culture I’m part of and how I was raised. That’s is something between one and their partner. We don’t even do the PDA as it can be looked down upon. That I don’t believe in it does not mean I am against it. I can only control what I do or don’t.
I automatically friend zone new people I meet and I tell them upfront I’m not interested. Even if there is some physical attraction at first I don’t like to cross lines. Yet, I find it’s harder to resist the men I get attracted to. But they pass. I know it’s only temporary.
Back to the procreation, I told her In about a year and a half. If she hasn’t found someone we can perhaps come to an arrangement. The only thing is she fears her oven won’t bake as well the longer she waits. She’s single and dates occasionally but I guess no “partner” material.
My advice to you would be, don’t worry much about label just live your live and love whom you love. Also fuck whomever you want to fuck. The only person you have to please is yourself and well, your sexual partner.

 

[Monmagna]

I hate to say this, but you received bad advise on #3. Reason: Immigration does not play when it comes to marrying foreigners. You will need to live together for a good 3 years. They will check for photos, social media for evidence of being a married couple. If none of these things exist, they will see it as an arranged marriage involving money. The fines involved is no laughing matter. As for the other parts of your life you are questioning, it’s due to the lack of experience with being with just one relationship. The other side is not always greener. Think about what you have now and what life will be like without him.

Thank you for your input. I am aware. Technically it’d be a civil union. But like you said it’s no laughing matter. However, being in a relationship for the past 10 years you can’t tell by my social media. When it comes being with someone it’s not something I advertise just like my sexuality. I guess because of my culture and upbringings. I would think they would consider one’s culture and beliefs when deciding whether or not one’s social media shows one is married or not. I will definitely need to do more research. We can totally live together and if it comes down to it even sleep in the same bed. At this day and age, open relationships are a thing. I’d be the husband who let’s him sleep with women.
but on a more serious note. I will have to really look at the whole picture and consider everything.

 

[AllDixNeedLuv69]

i commend you and your boyfriend for working things out--alot of relationships end because they dont want to work it out--they just use it as an excuse to leave each other--

you said be the husband who let’s him sleep with women.----i know a man and woman--he is bisexual and she is straight--- they are married and time to time he goes out finds a man to be with--her attitude was as long as he came home to her she was happy with it--then he founda guy he fell in love with andhe moved in to the spare bedroom-and the guy and the woman told the bisexual guy this would work out as long as they were the only people he was with--so for the last 20 yrs when he wants to fuck a guy he is there--if he wants a woman she is there and they dont consider him cheating on them and they all love each other

someone posted Next: Raise a pet with him if you don't own one yet. Cook together. Travel together. Watch movie together. Make everything looks like a date.--- the love for one anoher fades when dont do stuff together--- you get used to the same old dull routine to the point it puts a strain not just on relationship but how you act and treat those around you--if you dont think you love him anymore--then how hard is it going to be for you to move out and start a new life?

i kne a guy--reason why i said knew him is he is no longer with us--he was with his boyfriend for 56 years and he tells everyone straight and gay is it takes alot of work and effort to make it work---he got married to his bf and passed away about 2 months later--thats why it sucks that gay marriage wasnt legal until recently and he was glad to do so before he passed away

 

[Monmagna]

i commend you and your boyfriend for working things out--alot of relationships end because they dont want to work it out--they just use it as an excuse to leave each other--

you said be the husband who let’s him sleep with women.----i know a man and woman--he is bisexual and she is straight--- they are married and time to time he goes out finds a man to be with--her attitude was as long as he came home to her she was happy with it--then he founda guy he fell in love with andhe moved in to the spare bedroom-and the guy and the woman told the bisexual guy this would work out as long as they were the only people he was with--so for the last 20 yrs when he wants to fuck a guy he is there--if he wants a woman she is there and they dont consider him cheating on them and they all love each other

someone posted Next: Raise a pet with him if you don't own one yet. Cook together. Travel together. Watch movie together. Make everything looks like a date.--- the love for one anoher fades when dont do stuff together--- you get used to the same old dull routine to the point it puts a strain not just on relationship but how you act and treat those around you--if you dont think you love him anymore--then how hard is it going to be for you to move out and start a new life?

i kne a guy--reason why i said knew him is he is no longer with us--he was with his boyfriend for 56 years and he tells everyone straight and gay is it takes alot of work and effort to make it work---he got married to his bf and passed away about 2 months later--thats why it sucks that gay marriage wasnt legal until recently and he was glad to do so before he passed away

Thank you for taking your time and replying.
I suggested it(therapy) to him but like I said he is not for it. Even before we moved in together or got our pets.. he was not having it. I really care about him and I do not want to hurt him. I just don’t feel like I love him anymore. At some point I would’ve liked to work it now.. but after all this time, I feel like I am ready to move on but do not know how to go about it.
I do not think I would like to be in another relationship. I fantasize about doing things with other men possible a woman at least once.. I have even browsed though pages but never contacted anyone nor do I know how I would go about it. I am not afraid of being single but more worried of becoming a hoe. I am confident in my skin and I can be a bit flirty which can get me in troubled. All these years it has helped me I have been with someone so I haven’t been with anyone else because I do not want to hurt him and I know he will not be okay with being open or “explore” much. Also the times I almost did a hook up (before getting together with him) I would not feel right and wasn’t able to orgasm. My mind did not let me and I felt kind of filthy.
I often feel like I am messed up when it comes to relationships. Perhaps the lack of experiences and or maybe experiencing sex at such an early age. I do not get that connection. I like sex and I like pleasing my partner sexually. It’s the emotional connection that is lacking and the possibility of me feeling like I am not being satisfied how I’d want.
he does have movements where he’d play with my cock and that gets me really turned on.. But his technique isn’t the best. I’ve told him how I like it and when I tell him to suck it he doesn’t do it for a long or as I’d like it done.
[sorry went on a little rant there]
My current boyfriend is not bisexual nor is he open to the idea of polygamy. Ideally, a man and a woman who are open enough to have a relationship like you describe would be interesting lol. Maybe all share a home and each other(Now I’m just fantasizing). But that would be quite hot. They can fuck when they want I can fuck either of them when we want all hove a good old fucking time.
this May sound off and off topic but having each other’s room and a “fuck” room would be ideal too. I rather sleep alone. And when I want to sleep I don’t want to be interrupted. Yet, it’s pretty hot to get one’s morning wood serviced or a nice fuck session before bed.
(I obviously do not know what it is exactly that I want.) but I do know I do not fear being alone or not having a partner.
It is not very hard for me to start anew when I need to. I feel like I am very adaptable and I do not require much. I can be very minimalist and as long as I have the essential to survive (shelter food and water) I can pretty move on.
marriage for me is just a paper and It’s really all for some for of benefit. Reason I wouldn’t mind “marrying” (civil union) my friend as I’d be helping him he would still have his girls whenever and if he ever wanted to explore a man and wanted me to be the candidate I’d be okay with that too. But we are friends before anything and I don’t think that’s going to change whether we do get married or not. I know and respect he is straight and even if he were to be bi or curious, I doubt I’d feel any type of way as I know that does not mean I have to be the one he likes or would want to let out any curiosity with. We have that communication where we can be open with each other. Something I have a hard time doing with my actual friend.
that’s another thing. My boyfriend has never met my friend and actually refused to. He would be all jealous of him even though we haven’t never done anything sexual and our relationship is totally platonic. He would get the wrong idea and would be crushed is he were to find out I do end up “marrying” him and would think we actually were more than just friends this whole time.
It’s all a complicated mess. I kinda just want to move the sea and burry my head in sand.. but that won’t solve anything. Life’s too short to be worrying about all these things and trying to make just one person happy. People are too complicated and we compromise ourselves too much.. for what?
Rant over for now

 

[AllDixNeedLuv69]

its not ranting to say whats on your mind--so yoou are ok there---in your recent post you made comments that kind ofhas me thinking about whats going on---you say he sucks you sometimes but not all the way-that he stops--then you said you tell him how you like to be sucked-- which if it were me if someone told me that i would say whats wrong--isnt the way i do it ok with you

how much of a sexual past did you have before meeting him?--

you say you arent scared of living alone that you just dont know how to go about it-----first look for a place to have an idea where you are going then sit down and talk with him and be honest about it but dont be sarcastic and cold hearted about it when tell him--just tell him that you think you two have falling apart from each other and feel like you need to move out and move on with your lives going in seperate paths -- see what he says--then just tell him you all hardly cuddle anymore or do anything sexual but if do its not for long like he isnt interested in you--

just be calm and dont make it hateful as it would make it become just an arguement and thats not what you want

 

[Monmagna]

its not ranting to say whats on your mind--so yoou are ok there---in your recent post you made comments that kind ofhas me thinking about whats going on---you say he sucks you sometimes but not all the way-that he stops--then you said you tell him how you like to be sucked-- which if it were me if someone told me that i would say whats wrong--isnt the way i do it ok with you

how much of a sexual past did you have before meeting him?--

you say you arent scared of living alone that you just dont know how to go about it-----first look for a place to have an idea where you are going then sit down and talk with him and be honest about it but dont be sarcastic and cold hearted about it when tell him--just tell him that you think you two have falling apart from each other and feel like you need to move out and move on with your lives going in seperate paths -- see what he says--then just tell him you all hardly cuddle anymore or do anything sexual but if do its not for long like he isnt interested in you--

just be calm and dont make it hateful as it would make it become just an arguement and thats not what you want

very true.. just speaking my mind; It’s not like anyone here knows me nor do I post anything that would I.d. me.

I feel like he(boyfriend) can get uncomfortable giving me oral. I am a bit thick with a bit of a curve when I’m fully erect. (Between 7”-8” about) it’s hard for him to get the whole thing or go at it for too long. If it were me my jaw would ache too. When I notice he gets tired I suggest going in him which he’s never turn me down for. He can take it so well out the other end and I can make him orgasm since he says I hit “the spot” and I like to stroke his as I’m in him. He’s even orgasm a few time without being touched just me giving it to him. Getting him turned on and knowing I make him that hard gets me me even more turned on as well. I do like to please him and make him cum.

Before him, I had never been in a relationship before.(for about +2yrs) Only a tease here and there in my late teens while in college; since High School where I had a short lived fling with a well endowed sophomore who was the same height as me. But that only lasted a few months and it too was a bit complicated. Even though he was younger, he liked to get high and drunk which I wasn’t too fond off. plus the more I got to know about him the less attracted to him I became. He was my first (consensual) sexual partner and I was starting to get feelings which kinda scared me a bit, I must admit. Not to mention he had got a “girlfriend” and still wanted to mess around and I was not having that. He had even suggested a 3some(on a separate occasion with another guy) which at that moment I was just getting comfortable with my sexuality and I was not ready for it [We did what we did on the DL]

I have been thinking about it(3some) pretty much ever since, though. Not with him. But the thought of it. I’m not quite sure if I’d rather be part of a mfm or mmm. Maybe both but definitely with another man.

before him(the fling), I had experienced sex.. but I didn’t know what it was at the time. I knew it was wrong as I was told not to tell anyone. I was a child and I was made to think I was the one doing something wrong when in reality I was just being taken advantage of. Throughout my childhood I had oral with a few men and sex with a woman... again, as a child which later-on when I found out what sex was I kind of felt disgust every time I would masturbate or think about having sex with someone. (until my HS senior year which is when the short lived fling happened. even then after every time we fucked I kinda felt quite filthy for having sex)

I have been looking for places and have been offered to move in with some friends who know my situation. And even one of my siblings who lives near by. Finding a place is not the hard part.. it’s the actual talk that terrifies me. My boyfriend has given me everything and would give me a kidney if I were to need it. I feel like I would be repaying him by crushing his heart and that breaks me.

 

[Mlsne]

Long read. I’ll appreciate it if you take the time;

I’m in a homosexual relationship for 10 years now and I have always said I don’t want kids. I also didn’t think I’ve ever get married or be with anyone. I’ve always been curious about women but I am well aware I am aware I’ve always liked men.
My thing is, I can’t just do hook ups. Even though I can be sexual, I have to know the person before gettin intimate. I have only been in my current relationships aside from my high school fling and some friends I messed around here and there with teasing and flirting (before getting in my current relationship.
Truth be told, I love my partner but I don’t think I love him like head over heels for him. Not anymore. Things have been very rocky and at first I would always chase and apologize for things. I honestly don’t know why I did. I have grown accustomed to his presence and he is actually a great, loving and caring person.
We had almost broke up a few years ago but ended up working things out and moving in together. At some point, I was determined to call it quits and it’s like every time I make up my mind he starts doing all these nice things and I honestly do not want to hurt him. He doesn’t deserve it. Yet, I also want to be honest with him and tell him I no longer want to be with him because I am not happy and I don’t feel like I can express or be as open as I want to be with him as I am with those I’m close with.
Even if it means having him and anything to do with him completely out of my life. I love his family and we get along very well ( on that note, only his sister and some/maybe a cousin knows we are more than just roommates/friends). Although I am sure his family knows we are a couple, he has NOT come out and he hasn’t even told his parents.
We both kinda don’t believe in marriage, he used to at one point but I pretty much told him I don’t. It’s just a paper and it’s for benefits. He comes from money and I don’t. I never cared about his social class or his money. I genuinely loved him for him. But over time, it kinda faded. I suggested therapy but he refused. We kinda just live together and whatnot. Lately he’s been initiating the intimacy but I’ve kinda just keeping my distance as I feel bad because I know my feelings have changed. (We still get intimate as when the fire gets started it need to be put out)
I don’t know if there’s fixing it or if I even want to fix things. I know it won’t be the same as that ship has sailed.
On another note, a straight girl-friend mine, my age, wants to have kids but she’s single and in multiple occasions has told me and our other friends she’s serious about having children with me. She knows I am gay and that I am in a relationship… and that my partner does not want kids and that I don’t want/believe in marriage.
The main reason I did not want to have kids is because I know my sexuality and I believe a child needs a mom and I am not just going to have a child and not be there for them. She was okay with us raising the child and share custody and help each other like single parents but with mutual understanding. Like when she has to work or hang with her friends I can stay with the child and when I work or have to travel she can be with them. We’re both professionals and I have really been considering.
There’s another thing though. I had some adverse childhood experiences to put it in better terms. I was taken advantage of as a kid and I wouldn’t want someone else to raise my child. Plus the way the world is it’s kind of messed up to even want to bring another person who will eventually become a person who’ll have to live in this world with a very unpredictable future. Things aren’t looking good for future generations.

Back to this mess; I also have a male friend who’s straight and whom I met in college and we became real close but not in a sexual way. Like family close. He’s younger and I care about him but like a nephew or a best friend. Hs here with a student visa which is about to expire in the upcoming years. Him and his girlfriend did not work out and well he’s asked me to think about the possibility of us getting married…

I don’t know what to do. He’s a man and I like men. He’s not ugly and we are very close and open with each other. It could work but idk.. I know it wouldn’t be for the right reasons. I have considered it to help him. but I’ve kinda also been seeing him as a man. Now that he’s older and we don’t see each other as much. I know he’s straight and considering the last straw. But if I were to actually marry him I may actually end up liking him. Yet, I know he’s not into men. We are close enough to have talk about these things and I believe he was honest. He’s actually had a few girlfriends and some booty calls. I mean, he’s comfortable in his skin and his sexuality and from the start he knew I am gay and in a relationship and assured him I wasn’t into him like that.. he was an adult but too young when we met. He’s in his mid 20s now(a mature looking adult) and I’m in my early 30s. What do you guys think? What would you do in my situation?

It’s been abit since your last post so I’m unsure if you already decided to call it off with your relationship. But a lot of factors can arise that will eventually make the relationship become very stale. Culture, race, beliefs, hobbies, religion, etc. Are any of those above a factor? So far it seems you gave some information regarding your relationship, with one being more conservative minded (your bf) and you being more open minded? Another is you being extroverted, him being introverted, that’s certainly a killer because you’re complete polar opposites in how you want to socialize, and it will affect the relationship dramatically unless either one of you adapts. “Adaptation” a big must for relationships! If you both are unwilling to adapt to one another’s differences, then why force attachment? However, that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s over and done with, you can still save your relationship if you both put the effort.

Effort from both sides is certainly a chore, but even if you aren’t an expert on relationships, your parents somewhat are. You alone also can learn something if you venture alone into therapy to see what can be helped. No doubt others feel the same way as you, but the Internet is not always kind or best to get an answer. That being said I would consider finding help with the two things I said above. Maybe your bf will eventually be open to joining you if you’re willing to show him that lengths you will go stay with him. You gotta essentially be his guiding light, because it certainly seems he doesn’t trust you enough to believe you “take a bullet for him”. But that’s my assumption. Not to say you must always be the one to take the first plunge, your bf must also pull his own weight, because a relationship requires both parties to make it work. Your bf definitely needs to be more open to things if he wants to satisfy your wants, while simultaneously you need to be more conservative to satisfy his wants. Relationships are certainly a wicked bitch, especially if you’re both rather different, but if you do want to put the effort, then do so.

Regarding the child situation….hmm quite a difficult one, because on one hand you are correct that a child does in fact need a mother. It’s biological, and I know a lot of the homosexual crowd will certainly be angered by that view, but biologically a woman is different from a man and will care for a child far differently then a man could. Not to say a man couldn’t, but having two different sexes to tend to a child is better then one. Anyways, it seems your bf doesn’t want a child, no? Well I’d say that pretty much solves that? Both of you don’t want one for a reason, but it seems you might want one for a possible future descendent, which is normal. Obviously as humans we grow old and we want others to take care of and pass on our knowledge. It’s a big way to distract people who don’t comprehend the full extent of relationships which you both will have to maintain until death. Children are more or less a coping mechanism. Ironic given how obnoxious and tedious they are haha. Still, I think the reason male and women tend to be happier and willing to go for children, is because it’s obviously going to be an easy creation given that one of those humans is able to procreate whenever they decide to. Another thing, is that the baby will be their creation, their flesh and blood, while I’d say it would be rather depressing knowing that in a homosexual relationship that baby isn’t technically yours, but from a woman the both you would hardly know or even sexually care about. This merely my own opinionated perspective, but I will certainly feel depressed knowing that. I certainly wouldn’t feel accomplished, I’d feel I was living a lie. Apologies, I obviously have my own demons lol. Again, it seems your bf could potentially have some issue with children, I can’t say for certain given the lack of context, but even then you’ve only given us some context about you. Who knows if you have more you’re not comfortable in sharing.

Now regarding your sexual desires. Forgive me for being blunt, but I will. I understand you don’t want to be whorish? But insisting you find pleasure in committing a threesome, is indeed that. If disgusted by the First relationship who wanted pursue doing that, then you shouldn’t turn into the same man you were disgusted by. If sex seems to be a problem, then you must take to your partner to resolve that. But the major thing about relationships is that sexual behavior is not what the relationship should encompass around, which is why hobbies and adapting to each is necessary, otherwise it seems as you described that the sex seems to be the only thing that’s keeping you there. I will say that there will be no happiness for you if you simply pursue pleasure. Again, rather controversial among this “community”, but it’s the truth! A hard truth, no coping here, that lustful pleasure only brings brief euphoria. Like a drug or bottle, only momentary salvation until you want more. Because another whore isn’t going to be there when you cry, when you want to cherish a heart filled moment, when you simply want to converse, or a simple date. A whore will certainly do these things, but there is no “attachment” in their mind, only desire. No matter your age, no matter if you are the staunch believer that you “only live once, might as well make the most of it”, you still must maintain some morals. You must be mature enough to maintain some semblance of a relationship, not only because I’m telling you, but because for own personal happiness! Some of the biggest whores out there may tell you that they are “fulfilled”, they are “happy”, but I don’t buy it….I strongly am more in favor of one person being your guardian, your rock, your listener. It’s like friends, your true friends never surpass one hand…This was certainly more blunt, I do apologize if I offend. Sometimes certain things need a bit of push, in order for others to understand.

Now…given the little context (no fault of your own, you’re only going to give what you’re comfortable to share), I’d say you need to talk about what you’re feeling with your partner. “Communication is key” as the experts say. If he still refuses to listen, removes himself and shuts himself away, as you say he does when he’s upset, then an ultimatum must be given! Either he agrees to adapting, or you will leave him. Of course you must also do your share as I discussed above. Don’t overdue it by making him think that it’s all his fault or he must do all the effort, it will certainly scare him off, but there’s an equal attempt effort that the both of you will have to do! If he tries to weaken you, because it may happen given the possibility he may be depressed, you must keep your resolve. You must maintain yourself if you truly want things to change, and he will have no choice but to either accept it or be left alone. It sounds harsh, but you can’t force yourself to become depressed as he possibly is. If you want to be more tender, you can, but you must also be blunt. You essentially must be the man of the relationship (as corny as that sounds) and save the relationship by putting all the effort to show your partner that you still want to be with him! I’m being a broken record here, but you mustn’t allow him to bring you down, emotionally guilt trip you, because nothing will change if neither of you are not going to use a forceful hand (metaphorically speaking).

Ok. Lastly regarding those other two problems. Absolutely not with the green card marriage thing. I get you have a close friendship, but there are extreme consequences if you’re using a legal contract to benefit someone else! The government isn’t stupid, they will figure it out, no matter how positive you think the both of you will get away with it, the government no doubt has gone through this song and dance with many others before. Let alone your emotions will certainly get the better of you to easily divorce when there isn’t any sexual connection to begin with. Especially when that friend is very much into woman. Something will slip and the both of you will get in heeps of trouble. Honestly, I wouldn’t bother, it’s too much of hassle mentally to deal with.

Now with the relationship with the woman and wanting children. Is there consideration of future marriage? Cause yikes…I don’t know if this a smart thing to do. You and her may think it’s a good idea now, but 10 more years from then? 30? What if she completely wants to be in a relationship with a man who knows actually loves her? Not to say you may end up developing feelings for her, but you will be playing a dangerous game if you end up going out to sleep with other men if it comes to where she actually cares for you. You may end up becoming the whore you wanted to avoid being. It will also hurt the child if knowing that his/her real father merely never loved their mother and instead had to move out because mommy decided to be with another man. It will also hurt if daddy was doing things with other men, while mommy is all upset all the time. These things may happen. It may work for you if you really wanted to give it an attempt, but in the end you will have to seriously maintain that relationship. You cannot unfortunately be gay and straight, no matter how many tell you that being “bisexual is good”, you must chose in the end who you want to be with. The child at the end of that is your highest responsibility! By my own philosophy, your child is 99% of your life, while the 1% is yours. Until that child is able to take take of themselves, then you are able to relax knowing your child is safe and happy.

So, what’s the biggest takeaway from all this? Life sucks, life is a cruel bitch, and life is not as simple as your average rom com. Tough decisions are fucking tough, what seem like smart decisions aren’t always smart, and your own personal happiness sometimes must be a priority otherwise you can’t maintain a good life. I wish you luck, but I would try to maintain the first relationship because the other two will lead to more disaster. One absolutely because it’s just benefiting one party, the other (though benefiting the woman) will certainly may have the potential to grow into a more meaningful relationship, but it also has the risk to become a nasty one. Essentially it’s a game of chance with the woman, a 50/50 split. Up to you if you’re willing to take that risk. Again, good luck.

 

[Mlsne]

Long read. I’ll appreciate it if you take the time;

I’m in a homosexual relationship for 10 years now and I have always said I don’t want kids. I also didn’t think I’ve ever get married or be with anyone. I’ve always been curious about women but I am well aware I am aware I’ve always liked men.
My thing is, I can’t just do hook ups. Even though I can be sexual, I have to know the person before gettin intimate. I have only been in my current relationships aside from my high school fling and some friends I messed around here and there with teasing and flirting (before getting in my current relationship.
Truth be told, I love my partner but I don’t think I love him like head over heels for him. Not anymore. Things have been very rocky and at first I would always chase and apologize for things. I honestly don’t know why I did. I have grown accustomed to his presence and he is actually a great, loving and caring person.
We had almost broke up a few years ago but ended up working things out and moving in together. At some point, I was determined to call it quits and it’s like every time I make up my mind he starts doing all these nice things and I honestly do not want to hurt him. He doesn’t deserve it. Yet, I also want to be honest with him and tell him I no longer want to be with him because I am not happy and I don’t feel like I can express or be as open as I want to be with him as I am with those I’m close with.
Even if it means having him and anything to do with him completely out of my life. I love his family and we get along very well ( on that note, only his sister and some/maybe a cousin knows we are more than just roommates/friends). Although I am sure his family knows we are a couple, he has NOT come out and he hasn’t even told his parents.
We both kinda don’t believe in marriage, he used to at one point but I pretty much told him I don’t. It’s just a paper and it’s for benefits. He comes from money and I don’t. I never cared about his social class or his money. I genuinely loved him for him. But over time, it kinda faded. I suggested therapy but he refused. We kinda just live together and whatnot. Lately he’s been initiating the intimacy but I’ve kinda just keeping my distance as I feel bad because I know my feelings have changed. (We still get intimate as when the fire gets started it need to be put out)
I don’t know if there’s fixing it or if I even want to fix things. I know it won’t be the same as that ship has sailed.
On another note, a straight girl-friend mine, my age, wants to have kids but she’s single and in multiple occasions has told me and our other friends she’s serious about having children with me. She knows I am gay and that I am in a relationship… and that my partner does not want kids and that I don’t want/believe in marriage.
The main reason I did not want to have kids is because I know my sexuality and I believe a child needs a mom and I am not just going to have a child and not be there for them. She was okay with us raising the child and share custody and help each other like single parents but with mutual understanding. Like when she has to work or hang with her friends I can stay with the child and when I work or have to travel she can be with them. We’re both professionals and I have really been considering.
There’s another thing though. I had some adverse childhood experiences to put it in better terms. I was taken advantage of as a kid and I wouldn’t want someone else to raise my child. Plus the way the world is it’s kind of messed up to even want to bring another person who will eventually become a person who’ll have to live in this world with a very unpredictable future. Things aren’t looking good for future generations.

Back to this mess; I also have a male friend who’s straight and whom I met in college and we became real close but not in a sexual way. Like family close. He’s younger and I care about him but like a nephew or a best friend. Hs here with a student visa which is about to expire in the upcoming years. Him and his girlfriend did not work out and well he’s asked me to think about the possibility of us getting married…

I don’t know what to do. He’s a man and I like men. He’s not ugly and we are very close and open with each other. It could work but idk.. I know it wouldn’t be for the right reasons. I have considered it to help him. but I’ve kinda also been seeing him as a man. Now that he’s older and we don’t see each other as much. I know he’s straight and considering the last straw. But if I were to actually marry him I may actually end up liking him. Yet, I know he’s not into men. We are close enough to have talk about these things and I believe he was honest. He’s actually had a few girlfriends and some booty calls. I mean, he’s comfortable in his skin and his sexuality and from the start he knew I am gay and in a relationship and assured him I wasn’t into him like that.. he was an adult but too young when we met. He’s in his mid 20s now(a mature looking adult) and I’m in my early 30s. What do you guys think? What would you do in my situation?

Oh. I don’t think I gave a good response to the child situation. That’s something the both of you will have to discuss amongst one another. Maybe find a replacement, like an animal, though I don't think that won’t work forever because animals live less longer then human, and also children can actually communicate with you. It’s bit messy there, but I’m sorry to tell you this, there’s no good answer for you…
if you are the same belief as I am when it comes to mothers and babies, and your bf doesn’t even want one, then getting one will not be good for the child’s mental health. It possible your bf probably holds the same belief or even things he’s not capable of ever raising one. If both of you think this, then this discussion will unfortunately have to close. To be honest, no matter how “progressive” the world can get, homosexuals will never come to the same level as heterosexual ones, especially in terms of happiness or normativity.

Sorry….but I personally believe in this, which is why I do not pursue, and rather be alone. I personally believe I was not fit or incapable to live in this world, I was the unlucky ones to hold this burden…I will still maintain a healthy heart, but I don’t think I’ll ever be as happy as your average man. Apologies, but I do not follow the same nonsensical reality that so many others of the so called “lgbt community”. They see nothing but fairytale, I see the gritty reality by what biology and psychology tell you. So much lies we’re filled with, it only hurts people like us. Which is why I ever associated myself with anything of that “community”.

Honestly…. you can do what you will, maybe have your bf for that emotional luggage we both probably have, I think it’s best for those like us….
Once you lose him, it’s over. You will spiral into the same trap of this pretend happiness by lustful means. Again, it’s like drugs or alcohol.

 

[Monmagna]

It’s been abit since your last post so I’m unsure if you already decided to call it off with your relationship. But a lot of factors can arise that will eventually make the relationship become very stale. Culture, race, beliefs, hobbies, religion, etc. Are any of those above a factor? So far it seems you gave some information regarding your relationship, with one being more conservative minded (your bf) and you being more open minded? Another is you being extroverted, him being introverted, that’s certainly a killer because you’re complete polar opposites in how you want to socialize, and it will affect the relationship dramatically unless either one of you adapts. “Adaptation” a big must for relationships! If you both are unwilling to adapt to one another’s differences, then why force attachment? However, that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s over and done with, you can still save your relationship if you both put the effort.

Effort from both sides is certainly a chore, but even if you aren’t an expert on relationships, your parents somewhat are. You alone also can learn something if you venture alone into therapy to see what can be helped. No doubt others feel the same way as you, but the Internet is not always kind or best to get an answer. That being said I would consider finding help with the two things I said above. Maybe your bf will eventually be open to joining you if you’re willing to show him that lengths you will go stay with him. You gotta essentially be his guiding light, because it certainly seems he doesn’t trust you enough to believe you “take a bullet for him”. But that’s my assumption. Not to say you must always be the one to take the first plunge, your bf must also pull his own weight, because a relationship requires both parties to make it work. Your bf definitely needs to be more open to things if he wants to satisfy your wants, while simultaneously you need to be more conservative to satisfy his wants. Relationships are certainly a wicked bitch, especially if you’re both rather different, but if you do want to put the effort, then do so.

Regarding the child situation….hmm quite a difficult one, because on one hand you are correct that a child does in fact need a mother. It’s biological, and I know a lot of the homosexual crowd will certainly be angered by that view, but biologically a woman is different from a man and will care for a child far differently then a man could. Not to say a man couldn’t, but having two different sexes to tend to a child is better then one. Anyways, it seems your bf doesn’t want a child, no? Well I’d say that pretty much solves that? Both of you don’t want one for a reason, but it seems you might want one for a possible future descendent, which is normal. Obviously as humans we grow old and we want others to take care of and pass on our knowledge. It’s a big way to distract people who don’t comprehend the full extent of relationships which you both will have to maintain until death. Children are more or less a coping mechanism. Ironic given how obnoxious and tedious they are haha. Still, I think the reason male and women tend to be happier and willing to go for children, is because it’s obviously going to be an easy creation given that one of those humans is able to procreate whenever they decide to. Another thing, is that the baby will be their creation, their flesh and blood, while I’d say it would be rather depressing knowing that in a homosexual relationship that baby isn’t technically yours, but from a woman the both you would hardly know or even sexually care about. This merely my own opinionated perspective, but I will certainly feel depressed knowing that. I certainly wouldn’t feel accomplished, I’d feel I was living a lie. Apologies, I obviously have my own demons lol. Again, it seems your bf could potentially have some issue with children, I can’t say for certain given the lack of context, but even then you’ve only given us some context about you. Who knows if you have more you’re not comfortable in sharing.

Now regarding your sexual desires. Forgive me for being blunt, but I will. I understand you don’t want to be whorish? But insisting you find pleasure in committing a threesome, is indeed that. If disgusted by the First relationship who wanted pursue doing that, then you shouldn’t turn into the same man you were disgusted by. If sex seems to be a problem, then you must take to your partner to resolve that. But the major thing about relationships is that sexual behavior is not what the relationship should encompass around, which is why hobbies and adapting to each is necessary, otherwise it seems as you described that the sex seems to be the only thing that’s keeping you there. I will say that there will be no happiness for you if you simply pursue pleasure. Again, rather controversial among this “community”, but it’s the truth! A hard truth, no coping here, that lustful pleasure only brings brief euphoria. Like a drug or bottle, only momentary salvation until you want more. Because another whore isn’t going to be there when you cry, when you want to cherish a heart filled moment, when you simply want to converse, or a simple date. A whore will certainly do these things, but there is no “attachment” in their mind, only desire. No matter your age, no matter if you are the staunch believer that you “only live once, might as well make the most of it”, you still must maintain some morals. You must be mature enough to maintain some semblance of a relationship, not only because I’m telling you, but because for own personal happiness! Some of the biggest whores out there may tell you that they are “fulfilled”, they are “happy”, but I don’t buy it….I strongly am more in favor of one person being your guardian, your rock, your listener. It’s like friends, your true friends never surpass one hand…This was certainly more blunt, I do apologize if I offend. Sometimes certain things need a bit of push, in order for others to understand.

Now…given the little context (no fault of your own, you’re only going to give what you’re comfortable to share), I’d say you need to talk about what you’re feeling with your partner. “Communication is key” as the experts say. If he still refuses to listen, removes himself and shuts himself away, as you say he does when he’s upset, then an ultimatum must be given! Either he agrees to adapting, or you will leave him. Of course you must also do your share as I discussed above. Don’t overdue it by making him think that it’s all his fault or he must do all the effort, it will certainly scare him off, but there’s an equal attempt effort that the both of you will have to do! If he tries to weaken you, because it may happen given the possibility he may be depressed, you must keep your resolve. You must maintain yourself if you truly want things to change, and he will have no choice but to either accept it or be left alone. It sounds harsh, but you can’t force yourself to become depressed as he possibly is. If you want to be more tender, you can, but you must also be blunt. You essentially must be the man of the relationship (as corny as that sounds) and save the relationship by putting all the effort to show your partner that you still want to be with him! I’m being a broken record here, but you mustn’t allow him to bring you down, emotionally guilt trip you, because nothing will change if neither of you are not going to use a forceful hand (metaphorically speaking).

Ok. Lastly regarding those other two problems. Absolutely not with the green card marriage thing. I get you have a close friendship, but there are extreme consequences if you’re using a legal contract to benefit someone else! The government isn’t stupid, they will figure it out, no matter how positive you think the both of you will get away with it, the government no doubt has gone through this song and dance with many others before. Let alone your emotions will certainly get the better of you to easily divorce when there isn’t any sexual connection to begin with. Especially when that friend is very much into woman. Something will slip and the both of you will get in heeps of trouble. Honestly, I wouldn’t bother, it’s too much of hassle mentally to deal with.

Now with the relationship with the woman and wanting children. Is there consideration of future marriage? Cause yikes…I don’t know if this a smart thing to do. You and her may think it’s a good idea now, but 10 more years from then? 30? What if she completely wants to be in a relationship with a man who knows actually loves her? Not to say you may end up developing feelings for her, but you will be playing a dangerous game if you end up going out to sleep with other men if it comes to where she actually cares for you. You may end up becoming the whore you wanted to avoid being. It will also hurt the child if knowing that his/her real father merely never loved their mother and instead had to move out because mommy decided to be with another man. It will also hurt if daddy was doing things with other men, while mommy is all upset all the time. These things may happen. It may work for you if you really wanted to give it an attempt, but in the end you will have to seriously maintain that relationship. You cannot unfortunately be gay and straight, no matter how many tell you that being “bisexual is good”, you must chose in the end who you want to be with. The child at the end of that is your highest responsibility! By my own philosophy, your child is 99% of your life, while the 1% is yours. Until that child is able to take take of themselves, then you are able to relax knowing your child is safe and happy.

So, what’s the biggest takeaway from all this? Life sucks, life is a cruel bitch, and life is not as simple as your average rom com. Tough decisions are fucking tough, what seem like smart decisions aren’t always smart, and your own personal happiness sometimes must be a priority otherwise you can’t maintain a good life. I wish you luck, but I would try to maintain the first relationship because the other two will lead to more disaster. One absolutely because it’s just benefiting one party, the other (though benefiting the woman) will certainly may have the potential to grow into a more meaningful relationship, but it also has the risk to become a nasty one. Essentially it’s a game of chance with the woman, a 50/50 split. Up to you if you’re willing to take that risk. Again, good luck.

Thank you for taking your time to reply. I see a lot of thought was put into it. Don’t worry about offending. I’m not easily offended and I respect other’s opinions and input.
We actually split and I have moved out. it’s a lot going on atm. I would like to get back and do a proper reply to this in the future.

 

[Monmagna]

Long read. I’ll appreciate it if you take the time;

Oh. I don’t think I gave a good response to the child situation. That’s something the both of you will have to discuss amongst one another. Maybe find a replacement, like an animal, though I don't think that won’t work forever because animals live less longer then human, and also children can actually communicate with you. It’s bit messy there, but I’m sorry to tell you this, there’s no good answer for you…
if you are the same belief as I am when it comes to mothers and babies, and your bf doesn’t even want one, then getting one will not be good for the child’s mental health. It possible your bf probably holds the same belief or even things he’s not capable of ever raising one. If both of you think this, then this discussion will unfortunately have to close. To be honest, no matter how “progressive” the world can get, homosexuals will never come to the same level as heterosexual ones, especially in terms of happiness or normativity.

Sorry….but I personally believe in this, which is why I do not pursue, and rather be alone. I personally believe I was not fit or incapable to live in this world, I was the unlucky ones to hold this burden…I will still maintain a healthy heart, but I don’t think I’ll ever be as happy as your average man. Apologies, but I do not follow the same nonsensical reality that so many others of the so called “lgbt community”. They see nothing but fairytale, I see the gritty reality by what biology and psychology tell you. So much lies we’re filled with, it only hurts people like us. Which is why I ever associated myself with anything of that “community”.

Honestly…. you can do what you will, maybe have your bf for that emotional luggage we both probably have, I think it’s best for those like us….
Once you lose him, it’s over. You will spiral into the same trap of this pretend happiness by lustful means. Again, it’s like drugs or alcohol.

Thanks for this, too. This is actually relatable. I am not too comforting to societal norms. I don’t believe in marriage nor do I think I believe in “love” as it’s portrayed to be. It is very complicated. I feel like I can be a better friend than a significant other. One of the point I brought up when we had the talk. I had it all but there were things that were lacking, mainly the communication and I did not feel like I was “in love” with him anymore and I had tried changing the things he didn’t like but I didn’t feel happy. It was tough the first couple days but I believe we ended it on good terms as he agreed that he didn’t want to be with someone who is not as in love with him and he it with them. I wasn’t happy and he wasn’t happy. After all the years we were together. It had only gotten worst the last few we lived together. I guess I just got comfortable and used to just having them there. I did not find it fair for them. As I was holding him back and wasting his time. I feel like crap knowing I’ve broken his heart and that he doesn’t want to be friends as he’s still in love with me and it can’t work if the feeling is not mutual.

 

[Mlsne]

Thanks for this, too. This is actually relatable. I am not too comforting to societal norms. I don’t believe in marriage nor do I think I believe in “love” as it’s portrayed to be. It is very complicated. I feel like I can be a better friend than a significant other. One of the point I brought up when we had the talk. I had it all but there were things that were lacking, mainly the communication and I did not feel like I was “in love” with him anymore and I had tried changing the things he didn’t like but I didn’t feel happy. It was tough the first couple days but I believe we ended it on good terms as he agreed that he didn’t want to be with someone who is not as in love with him and he it with them. I wasn’t happy and he wasn’t happy. After all the years we were together. It had only gotten worst the last few we lived together. I guess I just got comfortable and used to just having them there. I did not find it fair for them. As I was holding him back and wasting his time. I feel like crap knowing I’ve broken his heart and that he doesn’t want to be friends as he’s still in love with me and it can’t work if the feeling is not mutual.

My advice, and I’m being very sincere. You need to probably take a bit of mental break, and get back together again. Now it’s your choice, don’t want to force you, but by this point I don’t think it’s really about love, but more so having a close companion that you might want to vent your stress if you have any. Trust me, you will get lonely, depression will come, and you would have wish you had someone there to talk to you, someone you had a close relationship with. It may not have to be all lovey dovey, but finding a replacement isn’t as easy as people think it is. For all you know, the same problem may occur again with your new partner.

We are social creatures at the end of the day, and we do need a close companion. Look at a woman and a man, despite the differences between the two, once they marry, the both will obviously have its up and downs. It may sometimes get bad, but eventually they realize that it’s normal to always vent your frustrations with the person you care for, rather then a person you barely know. You even look to most elderly couples, see how long and happy they look to die with one another….always such a beautiful thing.

It your future, but as I always fear when homosexuals always end up leave their first relationship, they truly become whores and no longer value themselves or the people around them. Living in a constant delusion that mindless sex is the only way for that small bit of happiness. It’s depressing…

 

[Mlsne]

Thanks for this, too. This is actually relatable. I am not too comforting to societal norms. I don’t believe in marriage nor do I think I believe in “love” as it’s portrayed to be. It is very complicated. I feel like I can be a better friend than a significant other. One of the point I brought up when we had the talk. I had it all but there were things that were lacking, mainly the communication and I did not feel like I was “in love” with him anymore and I had tried changing the things he didn’t like but I didn’t feel happy. It was tough the first couple days but I believe we ended it on good terms as he agreed that he didn’t want to be with someone who is not as in love with him and he it with them. I wasn’t happy and he wasn’t happy. After all the years we were together. It had only gotten worst the last few we lived together. I guess I just got comfortable and used to just having them there. I did not find it fair for them. As I was holding him back and wasting his time. I feel like crap knowing I’ve broken his heart and that he doesn’t want to be friends as he’s still in love with me and it can’t work if the feeling is not mutual.

Good luck out there, because it’s certainly going to get harder, and the whole sunshine and rainbows is but a mere fantasy. The world is far more selfish and gloomy, and having someone to at least talk to and express feelings they themselves can sympathize with, won’t mock or insult, well….it’s certainly comforting to have abit of light in the darkness.

 

[Monmagna]

My advice, and I’m being very sincere. You need to probably take a bit of mental break, and get back together again. Now it’s your choice, don’t want to force you, but by this point I don’t think it’s really about love, but more so having a close companion that you might want to vent your stress if you have any. Trust me, you will get lonely, depression will come, and you would have wish you had someone there to talk to you, someone you had a close relationship with. It may not have to be all lovey dovey, but finding a replacement isn’t as easy as people think it is. For all you know, the same problem may occur again with your new partner.

We are social creatures at the end of the day, and we do need a close companion. Look at a woman and a man, despite the differences between the two, once they marry, the both will obviously have its up and downs. It may sometimes get bad, but eventually they realize that it’s normal to always vent your frustrations with the person you care for, rather then a person you barely know. You even look to most elderly couples, see how long and happy they look to die with one another….always such a beautiful thing.

It your future, but as I always fear when homosexuals always end up leave their first relationship, they truly become whores and no longer value themselves or the people around them. Living in a constant delusion that mindless sex is the only way for that small bit of happiness. It’s depressing…

Thank you much. I see where you are coming from. I however, still have my values and I not see myself just jumping into the first person I come across. I’ll only be with someone if we’re exclusive or have a mutual understanding it is what it is. perhaps the reason I wasn’t happy in my previous relationship was because it wasn’t the case where I had a so called confidant or someone I felt free and open to talk about anything with. Sometimes the being together for long doesn’t mean it’s been long and happy the whole time. Nor does it mean one needs to keep trying to make it work when it isn’t. It’s okay to let go. I am actually okay being a loner and do not regret leaving. I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I don’t have the pressure to be in love or have someone to “spend the rest of my life with.” Maybe for some or most, it is the end goal or their dream. I guess I am confident and content enough with myself to not depend on someone to feel complete. It’s been 4 months already since leaving and maybe it’s because it’s only been a few months, but I do not regret my choice and I do not see myself going back. Nothing against him. He’s a great person and I will forever wish him the best. I just don’t think we were right for each other. I also do not think I am right for anyone so I save myself the trouble and spare someone’s heartaches. I’ll channel my energies into giving back and share whatever warmth or embrace I need to give to my family and friends. The romance thing is not for me.