Hey man. Sorry you are dealing with this. Since you are asking for opinions I’m going to give you mine and I hope it helps.Hi everyone, I’m Sam, using my real name as I think it’s quite a common name. If I ended up making one up I would just use another really basic name so may as well use my own lol.
I’m 30 years old from Manchester in the UK.
I’m really at a point in my life right now where I’m struggling. I feel so stupid and I honestly don’t know what to do about how I’m feeling. I’m struggling to function.
Im a dad of two children. I’m also married. Absolutely no problems in the marriage whatsoever. I’m happy generally speaking.
I’ve got a best friend, his name Tom. I was considering changing his name but I weighed up the options and thought we aren’t known enough to be identified outside of this forum, so I’m not going to pretend, that’s his real name.
Tom and I have been friends, best friends since forever. We’ve been through school, even university. We lived together through uni, we bought an apartment together as a first home, did a bit of work together, but when we were 25 got our own jobs and he’s just gone from strength to strength in finance, I work for a local council. A couple of years ago I let Tom move his now wife into our home as I moved into my own wife’s house.
The last few years we’ve both started our own families. I’ve known my wife 6 years now, Toms wife he’s also known since school so obviously I know her too. Lovely girl. My wife gets on with her. We’ve supported each other through the birth of our children.Funnily enough we both have two children, both born just weeks apart from each other. Everything in unison lol.
I’m so proud of my pal how well in work life he’s done. I would be honest and say I haven’t made it to the exact same heights as him, but throughout our lives, everything we’ve done is support each other.
I will never forget our uni days, we did some modelling together, worked in sports stores, modelling for certain brands, the adventures we had, the fun nights out.
I lost my mum in really sad circumstances back in 2016, Tom was my rock through that time. Nothing has ever got inbetween our friendship.
I got married to my partner, all absolutely amazing. Recently Tom get married, almost one year to the day of my marriage.
Tom’s wedding day was like something you would see a footballer or film star have. It was very let’s say perfect. I hate using that word.Tom’s wife certainly knows what she wants and she certainly got it. It was very her and Tom loved it. Obviously I was his best man. I made that day for him his dream. Nothing short of perfection was good enough for him in my mind. It was absolutely beautiful.
The last few months my life has changed I’ve cut down my work hours mainly to be more of a stay at home dad as my wife had an amazing career opportunity I didn’t want her to pass up on, so I cut down my hours substantially. I love my kids more than life itself. Me and Tom constantly are in contact.
the last couple of months, Tom and his wife have been having loads of mini holidays, weekends away, unfortunately I can’t do that due to my wife’s work so I thought I would help out by being the Mr reliable babysitter. Meaning I’m in charge of 4 kids quite a lot of the weekends recently. Good job I’m up for a challenge.
We've literally lived life together in the most beautiful intense way.
Tom I would describe as an absolute perfect looking guy. He’s fit, he’s got a great body, he’s charming, he’s polite… everything.
How would i describe myself? I look after myself but I’ve not been in the same position to be able to maintain myself to the standard he has, let’s put it that way, trying to be kind to myself lol.
a few weeks ago Toms wife was working away, I went over to his house for dinner and a night on the Xbox, I was staying over, remember his house is the one I still half own and used to live in full time.
My wife and went to her parents with all the children including Toms.
Me and Tom that evening made a nice meal before our Xbox night. It was great just me and him again. I told him how much I had missed just us chilling without responsibility, he agreed. We get quite competitive on the Xbox. I won after 4 hours of solid play.
I said I would have one too he said come in my room in 5 he would get me some towels sorted etc. No worries, 5 mins later I went to his room. He had his top off. Just carrying on getting his things ready and pointed towards the towels. Then he just stood talking to me. I was almost having a panic attack looking at him. I can’t explain it. I couldn’t keep my eyes off him. I identify myself as a straight guy. So is Tom. Never done anything or shown interest in men.
Both of us have been comfortable around each other in the past with our bodies, we’ve done topless modelling together before as well as you know changing rooms stuff like that. Never been a problem. That moment thought I was just in awe of him and looking at him differently. I can’t understand it.
I told him I felt unwell. He came towards me and said sit down lad. He helped guide me towards the edge of the bed and sat next to me with his arm around me. I just told him I felt faint. It was a really hot night temperature wise. He sat there talking to me for 5 minutes, I told him I was ok then he went to shower.
I was in his room. I don’t know WTF was wrong with me, I just started looking round his room, going through his drawers. I felt weird. Like seriously wtf was I doing. I am ashamed to say I even opened his laundry basket. I wasn’t even looking or touched anything, I was just going through the motions.
I grabbed the towels and went to the room next door got myself ready for the shower. I went on the landing, Tom was still in there. I know the layout of the house and it’s as if my mind was saying just open the door. Never once when we lived together did we ever lock the bathroom door. So it was open. I could still hear the water, there was no chance he would see or hear me if I went in which I did, I didn’t even think, I just opened the door. Tom had a radio on, I looked round the corner towards the shower.
tom was facing away from me, he was stood there I could see his ass, and could obviously see his hand doing what he was doing stood up. I heard him make one noise of pleasure and I got out of there went into my old bedroom and closed the door. I burst into tears.
I don’t know what was wrong with me.
10 minutes later Tom came in dressed and clean and just said I can go in now.
I had my shower. I don’t want to say how I was or what I did in there, but I got out and then went straight to bed.
the next morning we had breakfast. I had to tell him I wasn’t well and went home. That’s the first time in my life I have ever been uncomfortable in my best mates company. This was only a few weeks after his most beautiful wedding and the wedding day I helped make possible for him which will be in my heart forever.
A couple of weekends ago, I babysat for him again. We had still been texting and in touch but obviously I had that night on my mind and it had been playing on my mind too.
Had a beautiful weekend with his children, but on the Sunday evening I got the kids ready to go back to toms about 90 minutes earlier than agreed. I was feeling quite tired with an early start the following day.
I had a key for toms house to take them home so that wasn’t a problem I didn’t ring Tom obviously as my idea was to surprise both Tom and his wife by getting them to bed nice and settled after their date night or wherever they were going.
I got to the apartment and their cars were there, but that didn’t matter or ring alarm bells as they’re so close to the city they walk in and out of it anyway.
I put my AirPods in as I was getting the kids out listening to a podcast and just zoned out a bit. I went inside the house with the young kids and everything was quiet or so I thought. No signs of anybody in, I went into the living room I clearly hadn’t heard anything due to me listening to the podcast and I literally walked in seeing Tom in Missionary Position with his wife on the sofa banging the hell out of her. I froze. They had no idea I had come in I pulled my airpods out my ears I could just hear Tom moaning and saying things to her. The boys were quiet there is no doors to open and close. I literally couldn’t move. I eventually started to back out before anybody saw me…
I got back out the apartment. I just put the door slightly closed no noises and I just backed off to my car, gave it 15 minutes with the boys and then called him and said I was here, then basically ran to the door before he saw it was unlocked. When I called him he clearly wasn’t finished and when he met me at the door he was a little offhand in only the tame way Tom could be.
I went back home and all I could think about was what I saw. It remained burned in my mind. I still haven’t recovered from it.
Last week Tom called me he wanted my help being referee for a football game at a club he volunteers at. I agreed. I hadn’t been texting him everyday.
I did the match with him. He was more than fine with me. I felt I was being off hand a bit.
In the staff showers it was just me and him. I just wanted to be normal. All of this was normal up until this point in our lives.
I was in there with him, Tom went straight in the shower he was talking to me whilst in there, I couldn’t stop looking at him. I got incredibly hard whilst looking at him. I had to hide it and make excuses why I couldn’t shower.
I lied to him that my wife needed me at home. He even offered to drive me. I just wanted to be away from him. When I got in the first thing I did was literally just wank. It scared me and it has scared me ever since. I was looking at photos of me and him over the years. Every little innocent photo of us I was twisting in my mind. I couldn’t stop looking at him. It was a photo from his wedding day that got me in the end.
Since then and that was only a few days ago, I’ve just been depressed beyond belief. I can’t stop thinking about him and looking at him. I don’t know what to do. These feelings are suddenly so powerful in my mind. I’ve almost lost control. I’m worried about the state I’m getting myself into. I feel like I love him. It’s the most weird thing ever. What’s wrong with me? Why now? I don’t want to lose him.
He’s coming round my house tonight. I don’t know how to be. It’s making me unwell and distressed about seeing him.
if anyone has any advice I would really appreciate it. I found this forum through stress browsing in the early hours. Found so many varied topics. Thought this would be the place to be and go seek some help.
Sorry to bother you with this lads.
Sam
Im going to highlight some things in your post:
“I’m so proud of my pal how well in work life he’s done. I would be honest and say I haven’t made it to the exact same heights as him, but throughout our lives, everything we’ve done is support each other.”
AND
“The last few months my life has changed I’ve cut down my work hours mainly to be more of a stay at home dad as my wife had an amazing career opportunity I didn’t want her to pass up on, so I cut down my hours substantially. I love my kids more than life itself. Me and Tom constantly are in contact. the last couple of months, Tom and his wife have been having loads of mini holidays, weekends away, unfortunately I can’t do that due to my wife’s work so I thought I would help out by being the Mr reliable babysitter. Meaning I’m in charge of 4 kids quite a lot of the weekends recently. Good job I’m up for a challenge. I love it. Love the chaos.”
So here is my take:
You are comparing yourself to Tom and coming up short. He has been taking care of his fitness and you have let yourself go a bit. His career is taking off and yours has been scaled back considerably so to the point where you are the stay at home dad. Tom and his wife are taking off a lot and your wife is working a lot which leaves you to be ‘MR RELIABLE’. This has all happened recently. Your life has changed and shifted and you have taken on a role you aren’t used to. Instead of being the provider you are now the caregiver. I don’t want to open up the can of worms about gender stereotypes and I believe men and fathers need to do their part of household and child rearing responsibilities, it shouldn’t fall 100% on the woman, but generally speaking, you are now in a more motherly nurturing role. You are more soft now. Your self worth, self esteem, and your manliness have all taken a blow. You now see Tom a more of a Man than you currently are. It’s not that you are necessarily attracted to Tom, you want to be the Man that Tom is. You want to be viewed as a Man by others. You want to be viewed as a Man by Tom. You don’t want Tom to view you as anything less than a man. Your low self worth is feeding that fear that if you don’t keep up with Tom physically and secularly, you may lose him. That’s why you were looking through the pictures of the two of you. You are afraid of losing one of the most important people in your life.
IMO, do not approach him about any sort of feelings you think you might have for him. You made a vow to your wife and you and your wife have children. I’m sorry, but your children and your wife are the 1st priority in your life now, which I know you know, and pursuing anything that could jeopardize and damage your family dynamic is incredibly selfish. If you can’t live up to your vow, you shouldn’t have made it in the first place.
IMO, you have time now that you stay at home.
Take a few therapy sessions, talk it through with a therapist, they can usually do this on zoom since your schedule is busy with kids.
Find time to get back into shape, work out and start a diet. This will help you feel better about yourself and it will be something that can help you feel more equal with Tom during this period of your wife working more.
Discuss with your wife some of your feelings, not feelings you think you have about Tom, but maybe feelings of inadequacy. Maybe share those feelings with Tom if and when appropriate.
Figure out a way to feel more successful secularly.
And know your limits with the kids. Tom and his wife have been gone a lot, and your wife works a lot, not fair for you to get dumped with the chaos. Set boundaries with Tom and tell him you are overwhelmed and can only watch the all kids once a weekend a month or every other month.
And again, take a few therapy sessions. I would recommend finding a Male therapist, someone who specializes in Cognitive behavioral therapy. I’ve done it before and it really helps to reshape your thinking patterns from negative to positive.
I hope all goes well dude. Hang in there.
