I think I’m in love with my best friend (30) UK.

[Mahi Bansi]

Yeah, I hope you get a solution soon @sam_0161bedderz

 

[sam_0161bedderz]

Thanks to everyone so much for their replies I appreciate it

 

[FrankieGuile]

I agree. Sometimes being bi is harder. Gays think you're just a closeted gay, straight guys think you're perverted, and straight girls "a threat". It's not well understood, and yes remains undefined and forbidden. Can be harder to make the social connections in the straight world that we're also a part of. It's not like, if we were gay, we would just identify in that 'binary' way and just affiliate with our own tribe. As bi, it's not really an established tribe. It's a variation within and beneath both a gay and straight social tradition. But in some respects, belongs to neither. Can be tricky to navigate. We still need to do that safely, whilst living well.

The OP's problem -- other than marriage and family commitments -- is that it takes two to tango and he's the only one dancing. Rather than conjecturing what "gays," "straight guys" and "straight girls" think, perhaps you should just speak for yourself, resisting the temptation to create straw men you can disparage. As for me, he should respect his friend's straight sexual orientation and his own marriage vows, focus intently on the consequences of his next actions, and use reason to quell his emotion.

 

[Brianhalim]

i do have a similar story. i have best friends like more than 10years, but he is str8 and im bi/gay.

i fell in love with him (it started from best friend and brotherly love, but feeling cant lie) but i just kept it by myself, and it hurt somuch when he tell me a story about he and his gf planning for married, small voice in my heart wishing he would be bi aswell or have similar feeling for me but i know it just a dream and fantasy, but i cant avoiding him, and i love going out with him.

long story short, somehow we slept together and i cant resist touch him, and he knew it and a week later, he avoiding me and tell me that he disappointed to me.

and now we just like a stranger now and it hurt so much

PS : dont do anything stupid like i do... its my biggest regret in my entire life, and if i had a chance to time travel only once, i would fix this.

 

[Troy71]

i do have a similar story. i have best friends like more than 10years, but he is str8 and im bi/gay.

i fell in love with him (it started from best friend and brotherly love, but feeling cant lie) but i just kept it by myself, and it hurt somuch when he tell me a story about he and his gf planning for married, small voice in my heart wishing he would be bi aswell or have similar feeling for me but i know it just a dream and fantasy, but i cant avoiding him, and i love going out with him.

long story short, somehow we slept together and i cant resist touch him, and he knew it and a week later, he avoiding me and tell me that he disappointed to me.

and now we just like a stranger now and it hurt so much

PS : dont do anything stupid like i do... its my biggest regret in my entire life, and if i had a chance to time travel only once, i would fix this.

Sorry to hear.

 

[so_y2000]

hey Sam, I believe that in honor to the bond, and friendship both of you cherrish, you should speak to him from the heart, don't tell him right away that you're apparently in love, that's one of the many conclusions, instead speak to him abou this moment of your life, the way you don't feel so good about your appearance, the fear of losing him if you speak about the feelings you're having. the approach should be, as a friend or family lets try to navigate this together, I'm sure he will appreciate yor raw honesty and it will be a much needed vote of confidence to the bond you share

 

[cj50]

I think this maybe that you’re in love with your friend, but not the kind of love you think. The kind of love you have for him is similar to the love you have for your wife, and yous speak so much and interact so much that you almost kinda want to take the love to the next level, as that is what you would do in a romantic relationship. However you and your friend aren’t in love romantically. I think the change in your life circumstances may have helped with this. Speak to your mate about some of the feelings you have had, but maybe in a vague way (as you would with a best friend) and see what the outcome is. Letting him know you’ve been feeling different and down recently may help you overcome these feelings, when he supports you in a different way.

 

[Cakeking]

I feel like....u should engage him in convos bout male gay relationships just to see where he truly lies. If he asks why u talking bout that blame it on some fictional engaged male gay coworker who engages u on the same subject. Dont be too specfic w the questions and opinions else he might raise eyebrows. Be playful enough to make him feel comfortable but dont divert too much or he might think youre joking and wont give genuine answers. Pay close attention to his body language and tone as well while he tells u what he thinks bout the subject. They all play crucial parts in knowing how he truly feels. If he says something that REALLY suggests hes actually into u,dont show any emotion AT ALL. This time,be brutally straightfoward and ask what he truly means by what he is saying. Ask him to elaborate further. When youre alone think of what he said, your wife,children and u as well. Is this what u truly desire and will he actually like to get into something romantic or sexual w u? Will he actually leave his fam for u? Are u truly that important to him? Hes human as well so dont count on him for lifelong happiness. Long story short dont intentionally do anything that hurts anyone. Good luck.

 

[bellanofretete]

Ive never had a male best friend. Always girls. And since ive had crushes with straight coworkers for instance, cant imagine how hard it is for you having it with your best mate. I would think this should have happened on your early days as bffs. No funny looks or touches or something?. Hope u can tell us how it evolves. Cheers

 

[mitchellk]

Dear Sam, life sucks sometimes. My first great love was my best mate from school. We both had girlfriends. I came out to him as bi in college and he surprised me and came out to me as well. The heartache was that while I was in love with him, he only wanted to have sex with guys, not anything romantic. The back and forth went on for over ten years (meaning we'd hook up and he'd promise to leave his current girlfriend, then he'd break up with her, but instead of being with me he'd get a new gf) until he finally got married. We kept hooking up after he got married until I felt guilty and cut it off. After years without speaking, he reached out and I agreed to be in touch with him recently. We still have a lot in common as friends and it's pretty clear that if I wanted to, we could resume our sexual intimacy. But I can't be on that emotional ride.

My point is that this is probably a rabbit hole you shouldn't go down if you can help it. It sounds like Tom is straight but even if he were also bi does that mean you have secret sex for years? What if your kids catch you together? What if your wives do? Now, straight people fuck up their kids all of the time with affairs and divorce and drug addiction and homophobia, but my vote is that if you can help it keep Tom as your best friend. You'll always love him and there is something to be said about the fantasy of sex being better than reality. You can always jerk off to him. But once you fuck, there's the emotional baggage and what if he's an asshole or you are an asshole or it gets weird or it isn't that great. Right now you have the best of both worlds as long as you can not obsess over something that isn't real because it seems like if it was real you'd have jerked off together at some point when you were younger and drunker and having group sex or banging chicks in the same hotel room. If you're going to explore your sexuality with another guy, I would do it with a stranger in a way that doesn't put your life at risk or risk of arrest or sexually transmitted disease. Also, you didn't really say much about how this will impact the mother of your children. That's kind of a huge deal too.

 

[Charismaunt]

Hi everyone, I’m Sam, using my real name as I think it’s quite a common name. If I ended up making one up I would just use another really basic name so may as well use my own lol.
I’m 30 years old from Manchester in the UK.

I’m really at a point in my life right now where I’m struggling. I feel so stupid and I honestly don’t know what to do about how I’m feeling. I’m struggling to function.

Im a dad of two children. I’m also married. Absolutely no problems in the marriage whatsoever. I’m happy generally speaking.

I’ve got a best friend, his name Tom. I was considering changing his name but I weighed up the options and thought we aren’t known enough to be identified outside of this forum, so I’m not going to pretend, that’s his real name.
Tom and I have been friends, best friends since forever. We’ve been through school, even university. We lived together through uni, we bought an apartment together as a first home, did a bit of work together, but when we were 25 got our own jobs and he’s just gone from strength to strength in finance, I work for a local council. A couple of years ago I let Tom move his now wife into our home as I moved into my own wife’s house.
The last few years we’ve both started our own families. I’ve known my wife 6 years now, Toms wife he’s also known since school so obviously I know her too. Lovely girl. My wife gets on with her. We’ve supported each other through the birth of our children.Funnily enough we both have two children, both born just weeks apart from each other. Everything in unison lol.

I’m so proud of my pal how well in work life he’s done. I would be honest and say I haven’t made it to the exact same heights as him, but throughout our lives, everything we’ve done is support each other.

I will never forget our uni days, we did some modelling together, worked in sports stores, modelling for certain brands, the adventures we had, the fun nights out.
I lost my mum in really sad circumstances back in 2016, Tom was my rock through that time. Nothing has ever got inbetween our friendship.

I got married to my partner, all absolutely amazing. Recently Tom get married, almost one year to the day of my marriage.

Tom’s wedding day was like something you would see a footballer or film star have. It was very let’s say perfect. I hate using that word. Tom’s wife certainly knows what she wants and she certainly got it. It was very her and Tom loved it. Obviously I was his best man. I made that day for him his dream. Nothing short of perfection was good enough for him in my mind. It was absolutely beautiful.

The last few months my life has changed I’ve cut down my work hours mainly to be more of a stay at home dad as my wife had an amazing career opportunity I didn’t want her to pass up on, so I cut down my hours substantially. I love my kids more than life itself. Me and Tom constantly are in contact.
the last couple of months, Tom and his wife have been having loads of mini holidays, weekends away, unfortunately I can’t do that due to my wife’s work so I thought I would help out by being the Mr reliable babysitter. Meaning I’m in charge of 4 kids quite a lot of the weekends recently. Good job I’m up for a challenge. I love it. Love the chaos. I know Toms children well and both my eldest and Toms eldest are like mini versions of us becoming best friends too. It’s amazing to witness.

We've literally lived life together in the most beautiful intense way.
Tom I would describe as an absolute perfect looking guy. He’s fit, he’s got a great body, he’s charming, he’s polite… everything.
How would i describe myself? I look after myself but I’ve not been in the same position to be able to maintain myself to the standard he has, let’s put it that way, trying to be kind to myself lol.

a few weeks ago Toms wife was working away, I went over to his house for dinner and a night on the Xbox, I was staying over, remember his house is the one I still half own and used to live in full time.
My wife and went to her parents with all the children including Toms.

Me and Tom that evening made a nice meal before our Xbox night. It was great just me and him again. I told him how much I had missed just us chilling without responsibility, he agreed. We get quite competitive on the Xbox. I won after 4 hours of solid play. Tom was happy in defeat, we had a bit of a cushion fight like idiots. Got quite full on andTom was just playing. We both were, and we were just messing about and we were you know had our hands on each other fighting like we were teenagers again. We were laughing. Tom got up and said he was gonna go shower.

I said I would have one too he said come in my room in 5 he would get me some towels sorted etc. No worries, 5 mins later I went to his room. He had his top off. Just carrying on getting his things ready and pointed towards the towels. Then he just stood talking to me. I was almost having a panic attack looking at him. I can’t explain it. I couldn’t keep my eyes off him. I identify myself as a straight guy. So is Tom. Never done anything or shown interest in men.
Both of us have been comfortable around each other in the past with our bodies, we’ve done topless modelling together before as well as you know changing rooms stuff like that. Never been a problem. That moment thought I was just in awe of him and looking at him differently. I can’t understand it.
I told him I felt unwell. He came towards me and said sit down lad. He helped guide me towards the edge of the bed and sat next to me with his arm around me. I just told him I felt faint. It was a really hot night temperature wise. He sat there talking to me for 5 minutes, I told him I was ok then he went to shower.

I was in his room. I don’t know WTF was wrong with me, I just started looking round his room, going through his drawers. I felt weird. Like seriously wtf was I doing. I am ashamed to say I even opened his laundry basket. I wasn’t even looking or touched anything, I was just going through the motions.

I grabbed the towels and went to the room next door got myself ready for the shower. I went on the landing, Tom was still in there. I know the layout of the house and it’s as if my mind was saying just open the door. Never once when we lived together did we ever lock the bathroom door. So it was open. I could still hear the water, there was no chance he would see or hear me if I went in which I did, I didn’t even think, I just opened the door. Tom had a radio on, I looked round the corner towards the shower.
tom was facing away from me, he was stood there I could see his ass, and could obviously see his hand doing what he was doing stood up. I heard him make one noise of pleasure and I got out of there went into my old bedroom and closed the door. I burst into tears.
I don’t know what was wrong with me. I’ve never been the same since.
10 minutes later Tom came in dressed and clean and just said I can go in now.

I had my shower. I don’t want to say how I was or what I did in there, but I got out and then went straight to bed.

the next morning we had breakfast. I had to tell him I wasn’t well and went home. That’s the first time in my life I have ever been uncomfortable in my best mates company. This was only a few weeks after his most beautiful wedding and the wedding day I helped make possible for him which will be in my heart forever.
A couple of weekends ago, I babysat for him again. We had still been texting and in touch but obviously I had that night on my mind and it had been playing on my mind too.
Had a beautiful weekend with his children, but on the Sunday evening I got the kids ready to go back to toms about 90 minutes earlier than agreed. I was feeling quite tired with an early start the following day.
I had a key for toms house to take them home so that wasn’t a problem I didn’t ring Tom obviously as my idea was to surprise both Tom and his wife by getting them to bed nice and settled after their date night or wherever they were going.
I got to the apartment and their cars were there, but that didn’t matter or ring alarm bells as they’re so close to the city they walk in and out of it anyway.
I put my AirPods in as I was getting the kids out listening to a podcast and just zoned out a bit. I went inside the house with the young kids and everything was quiet or so I thought. No signs of anybody in, I went into the living room I clearly hadn’t heard anything due to me listening to the podcast and I literally walked in seeing Tom in Missionary Position with his wife on the sofa banging the hell out of her. I froze. They had no idea I had come in I pulled my airpods out my ears I could just hear Tom moaning and saying things to her. The boys were quiet there is no doors to open and close. I literally couldn’t move. I eventually started to back out before anybody saw me…

I got back out the apartment. I just put the door slightly closed no noises and I just backed off to my car, gave it 15 minutes with the boys and then called him and said I was here, then basically ran to the door before he saw it was unlocked. When I called him he clearly wasn’t finished and when he met me at the door he was a little offhand in only the tame way Tom could be.

I went back home and all I could think about was what I saw. It remained burned in my mind. I still haven’t recovered from it.

Last week Tom called me he wanted my help being referee for a football game at a club he volunteers at. I agreed. I hadn’t been texting him everyday.
I did the match with him. He was more than fine with me. I felt I was being off hand a bit.

In the staff showers it was just me and him. I just wanted to be normal. All of this was normal up until this point in our lives.
I was in there with him, Tom went straight in the shower he was talking to me whilst in there, I couldn’t stop looking at him. I got incredibly hard whilst looking at him. I had to hide it and make excuses why I couldn’t shower.
I lied to him that my wife needed me at home. He even offered to drive me. I just wanted to be away from him. When I got in the first thing I did was literally just wank. It scared me and it has scared me ever since. I was looking at photos of me and him over the years. Every little innocent photo of us I was twisting in my mind. I couldn’t stop looking at him. It was a photo from his wedding day that got me in the end.

Since then and that was only a few days ago, I’ve just been depressed beyond belief. I can’t stop thinking about him and looking at him. I don’t know what to do. These feelings are suddenly so powerful in my mind. I’ve almost lost control. I’m worried about the state I’m getting myself into. I feel like I love him. It’s the most weird thing ever. What’s wrong with me? Why now? I don’t want to lose him.

He’s coming round my house tonight. I don’t know how to be. It’s making me unwell and distressed about seeing him. I can’t understand how I’ve got Like this.

if anyone has any advice I would really appreciate it. I found this forum through stress browsing in the early hours. Found so many varied topics. Thought this would be the place to be and go seek some help.
Sorry to bother you with this lads.

Sam

I think it’s interesting that you had just been play fighting and then suddenly he needs a shower and a wank……the feelings you have may be reciprocated. You could make it very easy and simple, be honest about this situation tell him you thought he’d finished in there and that you saw him stripping and wanking in the shower after you were play fighting. I.e. discus the way you’re feeling with him discreetly at first, find a way to be on the topic but have plausible deniability. Make some jokey comment or flirt a little with him and see what the reaction is.

 

[Kinnear Cade]

You guys could have great sex quality times, I have casual sex with a straight commited friend and its all ok, the difference here is that I dont have feelings for him beyond friendship. Its Just risky secret sex.

 

[Kanashi]

You guys could have great sex quality times, I have casual sex with a straight commited friend and its all ok, the difference here is that I dont have feelings for him beyond friendship. Its Just risky secret sex.

are you, or is he in a long term relationship with another person?

 

[Cakeking]

You guys could have great sex quality times, I have casual sex with a straight commited friend and its all ok, the difference here is that I dont have feelings for him beyond friendship. Its Just risky secret sex.

So hes not straight...

 

[Kinnear Cade]

So hes not straight...

80% XD

 

[Kinnear Cade]

are you, or is he in a long term relationship with another person?

He is

 

[Madboy8]

Hi Sam

hope you pull through this ok! It’s a horrible feeling when your into someone and can’t express it. Feel free to msg me just for a chat.

 

[Kessakez]

Have you had thoughts about doing anything sexually to him. If so you are attracted to him and I don't think you should do anything. You have kids and could lose them as well as your best mate and have nowhere to live.

I've been infatuated with someone briefly but I got over it when I didn't see them for a while.

 

[Cakeking]

Whys he ignoring us?

 

[Brodie888]

Firstly, you should get your libido under control. Masturbation is the way to go.

Once your libido is down, you should be able to think more clearly.

From the sounds of things, I don't think Tom wants what you want, so I wouldn't go down that path. Just keep things the way they are with him.

Yes, you do love him and he loves you as all long term best friends would.

I think what has happened is that you are mildly bisexual and for you to consider gay sex, it's required a very strong connection with another man to make that happen.

I think you got to remember your wife and your kids and his wife and his kids. You should masturbate more frequently to keep your libido down. When you are thinking more normally, you should consider if your friendship is worth losing considering the risks you are already taking and perhaps be more careful.