I recall feeling something was not quite right while growing up. As a teenager, when most boys were exploring their sexuality and discussing their crushes, I felt oddly distant. My friends would get enthusiastic about girls or mention finding a certain actress appealing, but I couldn’t connect with that. It wasn’t that I didn’t feel anything—it was just that my interests and what excited me seemed different.
They weren’t like what everyone else enjoyed. I couldn’t relate to typical “mainstream” porn, and the little sexual desire I had was tied to a specific fetish I discovered early on. It became my main interest, but inside, it always felt... off. Like it was somehow wrong.
As time went on, this difference began to affect me. I saw others in relationships and watched my friends develop crushes, start dating, and experience their first loves, while I stayed away from anything that could lead to intimacy. The fear that I wouldn’t be “good enough” or that my difficulty getting turned on by usual things would be discovered stopped me from even trying. The years passed, and my feelings of inadequacy and loneliness grew. By the time I was 23, I was still a virgin and honestly felt like I had missed out on something important.
Lately, I decided to make a change. I began going to the gym to boost my self-confidence and tried "nofap" to clear my mind and maybe spark a desire for regular sex. I hoped this might help me reprogram my brain, so I could be with someone without worrying about my fetish or feeling like something was wrong with me. After a month, I matched with a girl on Tinder. She was kind and funny, and I enjoyed being with her. I thought this could finally be my chance.
We had been dating for a short time, and everything seemed to be going smoothly. We became more comfortable with each other, slept together, and started kissing, which was both exciting and scary. But when we wanted to take our relationship to the next level, I couldn't perform. I couldn't get an erection, and no matter what I did, I couldn't get rid of the anxiety that was overwhelming me. I felt the fear growing in my chest, worrying that I was disappointing her and that my body was letting me down. All my old doubts and fears came back.
I’m worried she might leave, and honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised if she did. She deserves someone who can fully be there for her, and I’m afraid that my low interest in “typical” things means I can’t give her that. I keep wondering if I’m just different and if that means I’ll always be alone. I feel like I’m naturally asexual, and this situation has made me realize the very fear I’ve always had—that my lack of desire could stop me from ever having a normal relationship.
They weren’t like what everyone else enjoyed. I couldn’t relate to typical “mainstream” porn, and the little sexual desire I had was tied to a specific fetish I discovered early on. It became my main interest, but inside, it always felt... off. Like it was somehow wrong.
As time went on, this difference began to affect me. I saw others in relationships and watched my friends develop crushes, start dating, and experience their first loves, while I stayed away from anything that could lead to intimacy. The fear that I wouldn’t be “good enough” or that my difficulty getting turned on by usual things would be discovered stopped me from even trying. The years passed, and my feelings of inadequacy and loneliness grew. By the time I was 23, I was still a virgin and honestly felt like I had missed out on something important.
Lately, I decided to make a change. I began going to the gym to boost my self-confidence and tried "nofap" to clear my mind and maybe spark a desire for regular sex. I hoped this might help me reprogram my brain, so I could be with someone without worrying about my fetish or feeling like something was wrong with me. After a month, I matched with a girl on Tinder. She was kind and funny, and I enjoyed being with her. I thought this could finally be my chance.
We had been dating for a short time, and everything seemed to be going smoothly. We became more comfortable with each other, slept together, and started kissing, which was both exciting and scary. But when we wanted to take our relationship to the next level, I couldn't perform. I couldn't get an erection, and no matter what I did, I couldn't get rid of the anxiety that was overwhelming me. I felt the fear growing in my chest, worrying that I was disappointing her and that my body was letting me down. All my old doubts and fears came back.
I’m worried she might leave, and honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised if she did. She deserves someone who can fully be there for her, and I’m afraid that my low interest in “typical” things means I can’t give her that. I keep wondering if I’m just different and if that means I’ll always be alone. I feel like I’m naturally asexual, and this situation has made me realize the very fear I’ve always had—that my lack of desire could stop me from ever having a normal relationship.
