Is sex just sex?

[Daschunq]

Struggling trusting guys who has the ‘we all have sex, its just sex. Sex is sex’ attitude.
First it feels like you’ll never be able to please them for the long run. How do you keep an exclusive relationship if the most exclusive thing is “just” sex and not more for the partner?
Is there a higher chance they will cheat or leave when bored of the sex or am I just synical?
Can sex be just sex and is there an explonation for the more..narrow minded people? Thankful for enlightment

 

[RowanB]

Sex is just sex..... Sometimes.....

I think all the rest has more to do with the type of person the guy is.

Not going to lie - I frequently have 'just sex' with guys I know I'll never even speak to again. We all have needs and drives and when you're super horny it's great if you can spend a good evening with another person, even if it is only momentary. Beats wanking off most of the time.

That said, when I'm in a relationship I'm totally monogamous. I would never go outside of my relationship or ever consider "playing with others as a couple" or having an open relationship. I have a zero tolerance policy when it comes to cheating.

Now, as for getting bored.... Yes, it happens, but I think it very much depends on the dynamics of the relationship and what you do to keep your sex life interesting and spiced up.

In some of my relationships it came to the point where I craved other men but I think the problems were far greater than just growing bored with the sex. In others the relationship was great but they were total bottoms and just couldn't satisfy my need to get fucked properly myself, and things just start breaking down from there.

I think the point I'm trying to make is not to judge too harshly just because a guy has a few NSA shags when he's single.

Majority of us do it and many of us are actually really great people who wouldn't cheat for no reason.

If you're worried about your boyfriend becoming bored with sex, then make sure you keep it interesting and both of you get your needs met and are satisfied

 

[keenobserver]

Struggling trusting guys who has the ‘we all have sex, its just sex. Sex is sex’ attitude.
First it feels like you’ll never be able to please them for the long run. How do you keep an exclusive relationship if the most exclusive thing is “just” sex and not more for the partner?
Is there a higher chance they will cheat or leave when bored of the sex or am I just synical?
Can sex be just sex and is there an explonation for the more..narrow minded people? Thankful for enlightment

It is an individual thing. It is not, despite gay cultural trends one size fits all. Your own expectations and luggage - what you bring to the moment - sets the table. I was sexually active young and at a time when keeping homosexuality a secret was crucial for a lot of reasons. Relationships were for a long time something I never expected or knew I wanted. Ergo to me, at that time, sex WAS just sex. A lot of sex was better than a little sex or no sex. The act itself was more important than the content. (see author John Reichy's "City of Night," and "Numbers.") It was a different era. Men coming of age today are looking at a different landscape. Things I could not imagine are routine now.

You need to follow what you know inside you is right, for you. If you only got together for the sex, it likely will only last until something sexier comes along. On the other hand, good sex can lead to a good relationship,, it requires caring and sharing beyond hot sex. It's a little hit and miss out there. Wanting to be anchored and in a relationship expecting fidelity is not narrow minded. Remember people grow and change and relationships mst grow with them - but values remain. They are our compass, and they matter. Don't fear holding on to them, and don't be pushed into abandoning them. "This above all, to thine own self be true, then it follows as night the day that thou canst be false to no man." - Polonius.

 

[Daschunq]

Wise words from two generations. Much appreciated seeing your views.

I myself, have been single for 7 years and think I have grown my own ways of how I want things to be done. I dont think this is neither good or bad but only difficult. I know I have strict values when it comes to relationships. I want it to be exclusive, I want to be the only one for you and you for me. It todays world it seems to be too much to ask for. And I dont know when I ask for too much.

Judging by my 7 years alone, I think I am doing something wrong.
And my syncial views or paranoia about gay men is not easing the situation.

How do you overcome your own high standards?
How do I look past that the guys around has slept with half my friend group?

There are times I meet guys and they go on about how many guys theyve slept with or their ex’s. Is this common to do on your first date or used in chat-up lines? Because it is becoming repetetive..

 

[keenobserver]

Wise words from two generations. Much appreciated seeing your views.

I myself, have been single for 7 years and think I have grown my own ways of how I want things to be done. I dont think this is neither good or bad but only difficult. I know I have strict values when it comes to relationships. I want it to be exclusive, I want to be the only one for you and you for me. It todays world it seems to be too much to ask for. And I dont know when I ask for too much.

Judging by my 7 years alone, I think I am doing something wrong.
And my syncial views or paranoia about gay men is not easing the situation.

How do you overcome your own high standards?
How do I look past that the guys around has slept with half my friend group?

There are times I meet guys and they go on about how many guys theyve slept with or their ex’s. Is this common to do on your first date or used in chat-up lines? Because it is becoming repetetive..

you have to

It does not matter where a guy has been or who he has been with - it matters where he IS and where he wants to go forward. We all change. 2018 Me, would never have "dated" 1977 Me. Jesus what fucking slut he was! But change happens. Allow people to grow, and be the type of person you want your boyfriend to be. Talk, share, make plans out of bed, look at common goals. Get to know him beyond the sex. Sometimes you kiss a few frogs before you get your Prince,' - but you have to take the risk. "A ship is safe in the harbor, but that is not what ships are for."

 

[Brodie888]

Wise words from two generations. Much appreciated seeing your views.

I myself, have been single for 7 years and think I have grown my own ways of how I want things to be done. I dont think this is neither good or bad but only difficult. I know I have strict values when it comes to relationships. I want it to be exclusive, I want to be the only one for you and you for me. It todays world it seems to be too much to ask for. And I dont know when I ask for too much.

Judging by my 7 years alone, I think I am doing something wrong.
And my syncial views or paranoia about gay men is not easing the situation.

How do you overcome your own high standards?
How do I look past that the guys around has slept with half my friend group?

There are times I meet guys and they go on about how many guys theyve slept with or their ex’s. Is this common to do on your first date or used in chat-up lines? Because it is becoming repetetive..

I think you might be asking slightly the wrong question. The question you should be asking is "Do you think monogamous relationships work?"

If he says straight out no, then you know you are wasting your time. Beyond that it's a case by case situation. That particular piece of advice is because you are after a monogamous relationship. For others it may not be a priority.

A good or bad relationship is not measured by whether it lasts forever or not. It's whether or not the time together made both of your lives better while it lasted.

Some of the most memorable life experiences could be with someone you date for week but if you weren't open to start that journey you never would have experienced it.

You won't know if a relationship is good or bad until you've given it a chance. When you're in it, you can assess whether you want to stay or not. Some things you don't learn about a person until you spend enough time with them.

My advice is to stay true to your values. Also accept that it is normal for all relationships to end at some point and when that time comes be okay to let it go (after a period of grieving) and be open to meet someone new again.

It seems to be a disease of age that people become more rigid in their joints as well as their lifestyle! If you want someone to share your life, you need to make sure they have enough space to be themselves in it too. So yes be true to your values but don't sweat the small stuff.

 

[malakos]

Imo, no, sex is never simply carnal. There's always something spiritual going on underneath, whether this is acknowledged and respected or not.

If you don't trust the people with that attitude, then why bother? If you're looking for a relationship, trust is very important, so it would make sense to rule out a class of guys whom you cannot trust.

 

[Infernal]

You have to be honest with yourself about what you want, and what you're willing to compromise on. When I was single I didn't hook up very often because the guys that were willing treated themselves like they were nothing but a piece of meat, or a hole to be filled. When I was younger, that worked fine for me. Now that I'm older, I want someone who thinks a little more of themselves.

I never wanted an open relationship. Cheating is a deal breaker because I won't put up with the lies that come with it. That was then. The reality today is different. I'm getting older. I have some health issue that affect my sex life, and I've learned to compromise. My husband and I have been together for almost 10 years. The issues I have were a source of frustration and tension between us. Now we have an open relationship. He's 9 years older than I am, but has a very high sex drive. I don't. It's taken a lot of work, both for me, and him, but we've made it work. It reduced the tension we were experiencing and let there be peace about it. I don't see it as cheating, because he does it with my acknowledgement, and understanding. As long as he's always honest about it, then it isn't a problem. He tells me when it's happening, but I don't want to know details otherwise. It provides a physical release he needs - it's just sex. He only wants the cock, nothing more. Regardless of what he might do with others - he spends every night sleeping by my side.

So - you have to figure out what value it has for you. What are you willing to compromise on, and what is a deal breaker. Can you be flexible on it, or is it a line in the sand you can't cross. Can sex just be sex ?

 

[OKCLane]

you have to

It does not matter where a guy has been or who he has been with - it matters where he IS and where he wants to go forward. We all change. 2018 Me, would never have "dated" 1977 Me. Jesus what fucking slut he was! But change happens. Allow people to grow, and be the type of person you want your boyfriend to be. Talk, share, make plans out of bed, look at common goals. Get to know him beyond the sex. Sometimes you kiss a few frogs before you get your Prince,' - but you have to take the risk. "A ship is safe in the harbor, but that is not what ships are for."

Masterful advice.

 

[Daschunq]

you have to

It does not matter where a guy has been or who he has been with - it matters where he IS and where he wants to go forward. We all change. 2018 Me, would never have "dated" 1977 Me. Jesus what fucking slut he was! But change happens. Allow people to grow, and be the type of person you want your boyfriend to be. Talk, share, make plans out of bed, look at common goals. Get to know him beyond the sex. Sometimes you kiss a few frogs before you get your Prince,' - but you have to take the risk. "A ship is safe in the harbor, but that is not what ships are for."[/QUOT

you have to

It does not matter where a guy has been or who he has been with - it matters where he IS and where he wants to go forward. We all change. 2018 Me, would never have "dated" 1977 Me. Jesus what fucking slut he was! But change happens. Allow people to grow, and be the type of person you want your boyfriend to be. Talk, share, make plans out of bed, look at common goals. Get to know him beyond the sex. Sometimes you kiss a few frogs before you get your Prince,' - but you have to take the risk. "A ship is safe in the harbor, but that is not what ships are for."

I fully see your point and can imagine this becoming the case as getting older.
But I’m still in my mid 20s and I understand many of my age are still in the sexually active phase but I am not. I dont have a huge sex drive and I avoid dating as I believe I cant please the guy I want. (I like a good bad boy who is really hot, and they tend to be into sports and sex). Not to be assumptious or sterotypical.

I struggle with relatig your point to my current situation though I am sure it will be the future.

 

[Daschunq]

I think you might be asking slightly the wrong question. The question you should be asking is "Do you think monogamous relationships work?"

If he says straight out no, then you know you are wasting your time. Beyond that it's a case by case situation. That particular piece of advice is because you are after a monogamous relationship. For others it may not be a priority.

A good or bad relationship is not measured by whether it lasts forever or not. It's whether or not the time together made both of your lives better while it lasted.

Some of the most memorable life experiences could be with someone you date for week but if you weren't open to start that journey you never would have experienced it.

You won't know if a relationship is good or bad until you've given it a chance. When you're in it, you can assess whether you want to stay or not. Some things you don't learn about a person until you spend enough time with them.

My advice is to stay true to your values. Also accept that it is normal for all relationships to end at some point and when that time comes be okay to let it go (after a period of grieving) and be open to meet someone new again.

It seems to be a disease of age that people become more rigid in their joints as well as their lifestyle! If you want someone to share your life, you need to make sure they have enough space to be themselves in it too. So yes be true to your values but don't sweat the small stuff.

I do cherish times that has been great but ended badly. I cherish any relationship Ive ever been involved with, friend or more. I dont regret much (apart from some poor choices in guys a few ywars ago).

I am trying to stay realistic with how I should accept guys, but if I am met with telling me how slutty they are and how they love a good dick etc on a first date. It does put me off sexually, that i dont know if I could wver change unless therapy? But should I change that much when I cant expect to change others? All my thoughts are coming out at once and may not make much sense. Im just lost in how to deal with these things.

 

[Daschunq]

Imo, no, sex is never simply carnal. There's always something spiritual going on underneath, whether this is acknowledged and respected or not.

If you don't trust the people with that attitude, then why bother? If you're looking for a relationship, trust is very important, so it would make sense to rule out a class of guys whom you cannot trust.

I too, belive in this. That sex is never sex whether you accept that or not. But maybe its a narrow minded way to see things? We want a purpose, a reason to the act to sooth our narcissism? Because sex could be just sex but we want it to mean something because old society said it was only for merriage?

 

[Daschunq]

You have to be honest with yourself about what you want, and what you're willing to compromise on. When I was single I didn't hook up very often because the guys that were willing treated themselves like they were nothing but a piece of meat, or a hole to be filled. When I was younger, that worked fine for me. Now that I'm older, I want someone who thinks a little more of themselves.

I never wanted an open relationship. Cheating is a deal breaker because I won't put up with the lies that come with it. That was then. The reality today is different. I'm getting older. I have some health issue that affect my sex life, and I've learned to compromise. My husband and I have been together for almost 10 years. The issues I have were a source of frustration and tension between us. Now we have an open relationship. He's 9 years older than I am, but has a very high sex drive. I don't. It's taken a lot of work, both for me, and him, but we've made it work. It reduced the tension we were experiencing and let there be peace about it. I don't see it as cheating, because he does it with my acknowledgement, and understanding. As long as he's always honest about it, then it isn't a problem. He tells me when it's happening, but I don't want to know details otherwise. It provides a physical release he needs - it's just sex. He only wants the cock, nothing more. Regardless of what he might do with others - he spends every night sleeping by my side.

So - you have to figure out what value it has for you. What are you willing to compromise on, and what is a deal breaker. Can you be flexible on it, or is it a line in the sand you can't cross. Can sex just be sex ?

What if I dont know what I want or what I want is seen as odd? I tend to care way too much about opinions that shouldnt matter. But what do you do to change that view? Its like a mould for the head.

Im intruiged on how you and your husband lives and how you have managed to find a happy solution for your both. I admirer your ambission to be together.

I am all for equal parts in a relationship and would find it difficult to compromise on such a private and exclusive part of the relation. It would strain my jealousy and paranoia that I would never be “the best” and would worry if it clicks with one of the guys they slept with.
Ive seen this happen before and guess thats where I get my worries from.
Worried to be hurt. The sand is a barrier keeping me from that.

 

[keenobserver]

I fully see your point and can imagine this becoming the case as getting older.
But I’m still in my mid 20s and I understand many of my age are still in the sexually active phase but I am not. I dont have a huge sex drive and I avoid dating as I believe I cant please the guy I want. (I like a good bad boy who is really hot, and they tend to be into sports and sex). Not to be assumptious or sterotypical.

I struggle with relatig your point to my current situation though I am sure it will be the future.

You raise the point that you do not feel a huge sex drive and also that you believe you could not please a guy that you want. Those points are areas that are worth exploring to try and understand why you feel this way. Your posts that I have read are wonderfully self-aware and thoughtful. I have no obvious answers myself, but getting to the roots of your fears may be what helps you move towards where you want to be.

I do cherish times that has been great but ended badly. I cherish any relationship Ive ever been involved with, friend or more. I dont regret much (apart from some poor choices in guys a few ywars ago).

I am trying to stay realistic with how I should accept guys, but if I am met with telling me how slutty they are and how they love a good dick etc on a first date. It does put me off sexually, that i dont know if I could wver change unless therapy? But should I change that much when I cant expect to change others? All my thoughts are coming out at once and may not make much sense. Im just lost in how to deal with these things.

The slutty guys (been there, done that) are talking about their experiences and sexual likes because too many of us are conditioned to focus on that. It also masks their own insecurities as they themselves come to terms with who they are and what they are looking for. Too often we don't know what to look for because we've never seen it, or expected for it to be there. Therapy should be about fully understanding yourself to help you decide if you need or should even want to change. It is not a magic cure all, it is a great tool to add to your mental arsenal.

I would consider trying to meet people in environments that are not sexual or dating sites. Book clubs, political groups, sports outings, performing arts offer great opportunities to meet new people and develop relationships from those points more slowly.

Henry David Thoreau said, "The examined life is no picnic." Still true. Don't be discouraged, press on - the journey is the best part of life's trip. Again, thank you for openly sharing here - it offers value to all.

 

[Daschunq]

You raise the point that you do not feel a huge sex drive and also that you believe you could not please a guy that you want. Those points are areas that are worth exploring to try and understand why you feel this way. Your posts that I have read are wonderfully self-aware and thoughtful. I have no obvious answers myself, but getting to the roots of your fears may be what helps you move towards where you want to be.




The slutty guys (been there, done that) are talking about their experiences and sexual likes because too many of us are conditioned to focus on that. It also masks their own insecurities as they themselves come to terms with who they are and what they are looking for. Too often we don't know what to look for because we've never seen it, or expected for it to be there. Therapy should be about fully understanding yourself to help you decide if you need or should even want to change. It is not a magic cure all, it is a great tool to add to your mental arsenal.

I would consider trying to meet people in environments that are not sexual or dating sites. Book clubs, political groups, sports outings, performing arts offer great opportunities to meet new people and develop relationships from those points more slowly.

Henry David Thoreau said, "The examined life is no picnic." Still true. Don't be discouraged, press on - the journey is the best part of life's trip. Again, thank you for openly sharing here - it offers value to all.

Pleasure to read this. I try to see myself from a distance at times to understand a broader side of me. Unfortunately this isnt always a good thing as looking too detailed may have caused why i set the bar so high for me and guys I would like to date?

I try to find the roots to my issues and I know ine of them is I dont love myself enough. Im not enough for myself so how could I be for someone else?
Im not too happy with my body so I am working to achieve a look I know Id like to see one the guy Im dating. Tiny steps forward.

I should join some hobby to meet people eho are less on the scene. Inwas thinking, perhaps bouldering? But cant say excerise is my forté.

Mr, Thoreau was a wise man! Every time I step into the guy zone Im preparing for battle, haha.
Much appreciate your views!

 

[Brodie888]

I do cherish times that has been great but ended badly. I cherish any relationship Ive ever been involved with, friend or more. I dont regret much (apart from some poor choices in guys a few ywars ago).

I am trying to stay realistic with how I should accept guys, but if I am met with telling me how slutty they are and how they love a good dick etc on a first date. It does put me off sexually, that i dont know if I could wver change unless therapy? But should I change that much when I cant expect to change others? All my thoughts are coming out at once and may not make much sense. Im just lost in how to deal with these things.

You need to find people with similar values. You can never expect anyone to change because they usually don't in the long term. Where are you sourcing your dates? Sounds like your getting grindr dates to me. It's still possible on those apps but it's harder.

 

[OKCLane]

It’s said that perfection is the enemy of excellence. Don’t let unrealistic expectations prevent you from dating men that don’t tick all your boxes.
Compromise is not a bad thing. I make compromises every day in my marriage but I don’t feel like I’m losing anything. It’s the natural give and take of relationships.
I have a dear friend who’s turning 60 in July. He’s had zero long term relationships. He literally has a list of questions and qualities that are deal breakers. He’s overweight and average looking but has created an idealized man that frankly doesn’t exist. He sits at home alone watching tv and complains that he can’t find a mate. It drives me bonkers.
I have another friend who is very happily married to a guy that is not his type. How’d that happen? They chatted online for hours and days and weeks. My twink chasing buddy who was never happy fell in love with a man he wouldn’t have given a second look had they met in a bar. My friend had to untick his boxes to accept this man but by the time they met he had already fallen in love.
My point, be open and don’t miss out on a guy because he isn’t mr perfect. Counseling may be beneficial in helping you sort things out. Good luck.

 

[Brodie888]

What if I dont know what I want or what I want is seen as odd? I tend to care way too much about opinions that shouldnt matter. But what do you do to change that view? Its like a mould for the head.

Im intruiged on how you and your husband lives and how you have managed to find a happy solution for your both. I admirer your ambission to be together.

I am all for equal parts in a relationship and would find it difficult to compromise on such a private and exclusive part of the relation. It would strain my jealousy and paranoia that I would never be “the best” and would worry if it clicks with one of the guys they slept with.
Ive seen this happen before and guess thats where I get my worries from.
Worried to be hurt. The sand is a barrier keeping me from that.

Some things are core values some things are not. It's important to differentiate which is which.

 

[Infernal]

What if I dont know what I want or what I want is seen as odd? I tend to care way too much about opinions that shouldnt matter. But what do you do to change that view? Its like a mould for the head.

Im intruiged on how you and your husband lives and how you have managed to find a happy solution for your both. I admirer your ambission to be together.

I am all for equal parts in a relationship and would find it difficult to compromise on such a private and exclusive part of the relation. It would strain my jealousy and paranoia that I would never be “the best” and would worry if it clicks with one of the guys they slept with.
Ive seen this happen before and guess thats where I get my worries from.
Worried to be hurt. The sand is a barrier keeping me from that.

It requires you to take a hard look in the mirror and be 100% honest with yourself about what you want, or don't, out of a relationship. Sometimes we deceive ourselves about what we want in order to not appear odd, or different. Sometimes we give more concern to what others want for us, or think about the choices we make. When you strip that self deception away and you're honest with yourself, then what other people think doesn't matter. As long as you aren't being cruel, or abusing someone against their will, it doesn't matter what you like.

Honestly, an open relationship isn't for everyone. It requires a lot of work, but most things that do are worth it.

I'll be happy to talk more about it in private.

 

[Daschunq]

You need to find people with similar values. You can never expect anyone to change because they usually don't in the long term. Where are you sourcing your dates? Sounds like your getting grindr dates to me. It's still possible on those apps but it's harder.

Tinder and club unfortunately.