Made travel arrangements to meet someone who lives out of state but getting semi-flakey vibes. How do I make sure he’s serious about meeting up?

[utropia90]

I’ve been chatting with a guy that I met on a political-themed Facebook group for almost 2 months now. I DM’ed him and we chatted that way for a few weeks before I decided to give him my number and he texted me, so that’s how we’ve been communicating since.

He lives in Texas and I live in New York and he was looking to meet new people/travel for New Year’s. We discussed him coming here, but it ended up not happening for a legitimate reason that I know he wasn’t lying about.

He typically always replies to my texts and seems interested, but he has never texted me first. It’s always me reaching out. I figured if I really wanna get to know this guy, why not offer going to Texas to meet him. A few weeks ago I told him I’d be interested in coming to Texas so we could meet. He told me he’d be down to meet me in Dallas because there isn’t much to do where he lives (he lives in rural area).

Finally, last night, I started to initiate the actual plans. I asked him which weekends coming up would work for him and he said “I could probably make any weekend work other than this weekend. I need a trip to Dallas soon anyways”. I suggested the weekend of the 24th and asked if it worked for him. His reply was “It should! I don’t believe I have anything going on.”

I asked him which areas in Dallas he recommends staying in and if there are any I should avoid and he asked “Do you plan on going out?” - now, I could be overthinking this but I thought this was an odd thing to ask. Yeah, I planned on going out - WITH YOU. That’s the reason for I am coming…

Anyway, I replied saying that yeah, since I’m coming from NY, I’d like to go out but I’m not a huge party animal so I’m cool with going to a couple bars or whatever HE thinks is fun and told him I’m easy-going.

I sent him an area I was looking at booking for an AirBnb and asked for his opinion and he said that it’s a good area, but if I wanted to be closer to the gay bars, there’s a better area for that.

I ended up booking my flight and an AirBnb in the area where the gay bars are and sent to him and told him I think it’s a good spot. He said “I think so for sure.” I asked how far his drive was to Dallas from where he lives and he told me it was 5 hours. I told him that I didn’t realize he lived so far, but that he’d be more than welcome to crash with me since the place I rented is a decent size with 2 bedrooms. That was this morning, but he never replied.

To be clear, we both have been chatting in more of a friendly “I’m looking to meet new people” sense. We haven’t discussed sex/hooking up or anything like that. I kinda just wanted to meet him in person and if we hit it off, great - whether it’s just as friends/travel buddies, or something more.

But I do not want to travel only to be ghosted once I get there. I want to text him next week and make it clear that I made this trip so we could meet up and hang out, so if he isn’t serious, I’d like to know so that I can cancel my flight and AirBnb and get a refund.

I’m just having trouble with how exactly I can word my text without coming across the wrong way but still being direct.

FYI - I actually ended up canceling the AirBnb today so that I could get my full refund. I figured if we chat more and he’s serious I can always book another one last minute.

Appreciate any advice/suggestions.

 

[Sturdywords]

From what you have told us, I don't see any red flags. If it makes you feel better have a back-up plan to have fun in Dallas even if he does not make it.

 

[Cum_is_Great]

A five hour drive is a serious commitment to make to meet someone I casually chat with online.

Also if the person didn't explicitly say they were coming to visit me, I wouldn't reply as if they were. So for example. I live in CT. A 5 hour drive from me can be as far as Maryland or Virginia. In NO WAY would I expect or even think about them making the trip specifically for me unless explicitly stated.

I understand he gave the suggestion of Dallas and he said his town isn't a good place to visit but that seems like a red-flag unless he didnt understand you were fully making a trip to Texas for the sole reason of meeting him and hanging out with him. HIs town may be rural but there's got to be something closer than 5 hours away!

Putting myself in his shoes, if someone made mention of wanting to visit but also made it sound like a part of a trip unlreated to specifically visiting me, I may also nonchalantly say I could make one of these weekends work but also not feel comfortable about going because well a 5 hour drive haha

Basically, I would be very blatant and transparent that you are making plans to visit and hang out with him. Not just to meet as if you are just "in the area(state)". And place the ball in his court. See when he would like to meet up and have him chose/dictate the dates when available.

Ultimately it sounds like hes being courteous but also uncommitted or uncomfortable with actually following through.

Good luck! Hope things work out though

 

[dana2]

Your planning this trip may be a red flag for him that you think there is more between the two of you than there is. You say: "we both have been chatting in more of a friendly “I’m looking to meet new people” sense. We haven’t discussed sex/hooking up or anything like that". What is your goal here? Do you find him attractive? Does he find you attractive? Before planning a trip like this you need to flesh this stuff out. My advice if you want to date this man keep chatting with him and let him know that you are interested in dating him. 2 months of friendly chatting is not very long. Try to steer the chat to "sex/hooking up or anything like that" .

 

[utropia90]

A five hour drive is a serious commitment to make to meet someone I casually chat with online.

Also if the person didn't explicitly say they were coming to visit me, I wouldn't reply as if they were. So for example. I live in CT. A 5 hour drive from me can be as far as Maryland or Virginia. In NO WAY would I expect or even think about them making the trip specifically for me unless explicitly stated.

I understand he gave the suggestion of Dallas and he said his town isn't a good place to visit but that seems like a red-flag unless he didnt understand you were fully making a trip to Texas for the sole reason of meeting him and hanging out with him. HIs town may be rural but there's got to be something closer than 5 hours away!

Putting myself in his shoes, if someone made mention of wanting to visit but also made it sound like a part of a trip unlreated to specifically visiting me, I may also nonchalantly say I could make one of these weekends work but also not feel comfortable about going because well a 5 hour drive haha

Basically, I would be very blatant and transparent that you are making plans to visit and hang out with him. Not just to meet as if you are just "in the area(state)". And place the ball in his court. See when he would like to meet up and have him chose/dictate the dates when available.

Ultimately it sounds like hes being courteous but also uncommitted or uncomfortable with actually following through.

Good luck! Hope things work out though

So we I met him through a Facebook group for gay conservatives (not trying to make this about politics but just being transparent because I’m about to share a text that mentions it lol).

This is the text I sent to him when I first mentioned wanting to visit Texas to meet him after him coming to New York for New Year’s (and another event I gave him the option of coming to instead) didn’t work out.

I also wanted to ask - are you free any weekends coming up in Jan? I need to get away for a weekend and was thinking of coming to TX. Maybe we could meet up/grab a drink or whatever if you want. It’s hard getting to know someone thru just texting/phone and not many gay conservatives around here who seem as chill as you lol. No pressure but lmk if you’d be down.

His reply was:

I could meet you in Dallas sometime in January. I love Dallas. There’s not much to do where I’m at. I go to Dallas often.


So I feel like I made it clear that I was coming for the purpose of meeting him.

 

[utropia90]

Your planning this trip may be a red flag for him that you think there is more between the two of you than there is. You say: "we both have been chatting in more of a friendly “I’m looking to meet new people” sense. We haven’t discussed sex/hooking up or anything like that". What is your goal here? Do you find him attractive? Does he find you attractive? Before planning a trip like this you need to flesh this stuff out. My advice if you want to date this man keep chatting with him and let him know that you are interested in dating him. 2 months of friendly chatting is not very long. Try to steer the chat to "sex/hooking up or anything like that" .

Yes, I do find him attractive and ideally would like to pursue a relationship assuming we meet up and end up being compatible. I know we live far apart, but I’m not opposed to a long distance relationship for the time being.

I’m not sure if he’s attracted to me, the only minor indication I’ve gotten is that he liked my new Facebook profile pic which is a selfie and a few other pictures of me that I’ve posted on Instagram. Again, minor and nothing that truly means he finds me attractive. Neither of us have verbalized any sort of attraction or romantic-type of interest in one another, even though there is on my end at least.

I’ve been playing it “safe” and trying to go slowly with this, simply because we live far apart, haven’t met in person yet, and I didn’t want to scare him away. He doesn’t seem like the type that’s just looking for hook-ups, so I didn’t want to give off any vibes that I’m just trying to get down his pants.

However, even if we just ended up as friends/travel buddies, I’d be cool with that. I don’t have many gay friends anyway and I wouldn’t mind making a new one.

I do think you’re right though and it may be a good idea to steer the conversation in another direction, I just don’t want it to be purely about sex for the reasons mentioned above.

I need some ideas of a text I could send to make my intentions clear before I make this trip without coming across too strong.

 

[theplayerking]

I understand you not wanting to come on too strongly, but “Maybe we could meet up/grab a drink or whatever if you want.” is very ambiguous and disingenuous if you’re hoping to spend a lot of time with him.

 

[utropia90]

I understand you not wanting to come on too strongly, but “Maybe we could meet up/grab a drink or whatever if you want.” is very ambiguous and disingenuous if you’re hoping to spend a lot of time with him.

Any suggestions on what I should say to make my intentions clear? I spent over an hour last night typing up texts because I want to make sure I don’t say anything that comes off as weird or that would be a turn-off.

 

[utropia90]

Alright, this is the text I’m considering sending. I feel like it’s honest, sincere, and to the point. But let me know if there are any adjustments you think I should make.

1st text: Hey. Hope you had a nice weekend!

2nd text: I hate sending long texts, so I’m sorry in advance lol. But I just wanted to touch base about Dallas next weekend (the 24th). Since I’m flying there, I figured it’s better to be direct so I just wanted to make sure you know that the main reason for my trip is because I want to meet you (and yes, I do need to get away from NY for a little too haha).

Just to be clear about everything, I don’t want you to think I’m just looking for a hookup. I figured we could go out, grab some drinks/food or whatever and get to know each other and see if there’s a connection - I’m more of a go with the flow kind of guy, there’s no pressure. Even if we just end up as friends/travel buddies, that would be cool. I think I’ve mentioned it before, but it’s hard meeting normal gay conservative guys around here, so I don’t mind traveling if you are serious about meeting in Dallas. If not, just give me a heads up so I can cancel my trip and get a refund. I think we’d have a fun time together and it would be nice to have someone show me around the city, but no hard feelings either way. I hope you can appreciate me being up front and honest about my intentions because most guys aren’t these days and I’m not about that lol. Anyway, lmk!

 

[theplayerking]

Alright, this is the text I’m considering sending. I feel like it’s honest, sincere, and to the point. But let me know if there are any adjustments you think I should make.

1st text: Hey. Hope you had a nice weekend!

2nd text: I hate sending long texts, so I’m sorry in advance lol. But I just wanted to touch base about Dallas next weekend (the 24th). Since I’m flying there, I figured it’s better to be direct so I just wanted to make sure you know that the main reason for my trip is because I want to meet you (and yes, I do need to get away from NY for a little too haha).

Just to be clear about everything, I don’t want you to think I’m just looking for a hookup. I figured we could go out, grab some drinks/food or whatever and get to know each other and see if there’s a connection - I’m more of a go with the flow kind of guy, there’s no pressure. Even if we just end up as friends/travel buddies, that would be cool. I think I’ve mentioned it before, but it’s hard meeting normal gay conservative guys around here, so I don’t mind traveling if you are serious about meeting in Dallas. If not, just give me a heads up so I can cancel my trip and get a refund. I think we’d have a fun time together and it would be nice to have someone show me around the city, but no hard feelings either way. I hope you can appreciate me being up front and honest about my intentions because most guys aren’t these days and I’m not about that lol. Anyway, lmk!

That seems honest and reasonable.

 

[dana2]

Alright, this is the text I’m considering sending. I feel like it’s honest, sincere, and to the point. But let me know if there are any adjustments you think I should make.

1st text: Hey. Hope you had a nice weekend!

2nd text: I hate sending long texts, so I’m sorry in advance lol. But I just wanted to touch base about Dallas next weekend (the 24th). Since I’m flying there, I figured it’s better to be direct so I just wanted to make sure you know that the main reason for my trip is because I want to meet you (and yes, I do need to get away from NY for a little too haha).

Just to be clear about everything, I don’t want you to think I’m just looking for a hookup. I figured we could go out, grab some drinks/food or whatever and get to know each other and see if there’s a connection - I’m more of a go with the flow kind of guy, there’s no pressure. Even if we just end up as friends/travel buddies, that would be cool. I think I’ve mentioned it before, but it’s hard meeting normal gay conservative guys around here, so I don’t mind traveling if you are serious about meeting in Dallas. If not, just give me a heads up so I can cancel my trip and get a refund. I think we’d have a fun time together and it would be nice to have someone show me around the city, but no hard feelings either way. I hope you can appreciate me being up front and honest about my intentions because most guys aren’t these days and I’m not about that lol. Anyway, lmk!

My advice:

1) Cancel the trip. Based on how this guy has behaved so far I doubt he will come meet you. You are setting yourself up for disappointment.

2) Try to meet local folks. You say you are "Conservative". You should understand that this word is tainted by the association of Conservative politicians with evil anti gay douchebags like Anita Bryant who thankfully just died. That being said, from a policy perspective there is nothing anti-gay about advocating for free-market and Libertarian ideas and policies. I suggest specifying that you are "Fiscally conservative" or "libertarian" AND not getting too bogged down in politics (people these days talk about politics way too much). Manhattan is a huge city in your state with a huge number of gay men. There will be ones there more in line with your politics.

3) With these kinds of situations if one person seems too into it or seems like they are trying to hard they usually end up scaring the other person off. Setting up the trip was moving too quickly based on the status of the relationship. You should cancel the trip but keep texting with this guy. And during these texts spell out explicitly that you think he is attractive and ask if the feeling is mutual. That is something you needed to do before planning the trip.

 

[utropia90]

My advice:

1) Cancel the trip. Based on how this guy has behaved so far I doubt he will come meet you. You are setting yourself up for disappointment.

2) Try to meet local folks. You say you are "Conservative". You should understand that this word is tainted by the association of Conservative politicians with evil anti gay douchebags like Anita Bryant who thankfully just died. That being said, from a policy perspective there is nothing anti-gay about advocating for free-market and Libertarian ideas and policies. I suggest specifying that you are "Fiscally conservative" or "libertarian" AND not getting too bogged down in politics (people these days talk about politics way too much). Manhattan is a huge city in your state with a huge number of gay men. There will be ones there more in line with your politics.

3) With these kinds of situations if one person seems too into it or seems like they are trying to hard they usually end up scaring the other person off. Setting up the trip was moving too quickly based on the status of the relationship. You should cancel the trip but keep texting with this guy. And during these texts spell out explicitly that you think he is attractive and ask if the feeling is mutual. That is something you needed to do before planning the trip.

I feel like I will end up canceling it if he replies and tells me he doesn’t know if he can make it for sure, etc.

As for politics, I don’t like to focus on it too much either, but I’ve been on all the dating apps and there are a lot of “if you voted for Trump, swipe left” people out there. I’m anti-establishment politicians, both democrat and republican. So yeah, your description of libertarian and fiscally conservative fits, but I did vote for Trump 3 times, so I wouldn’t want to date someone who can’t tolerate that.

And for your last part, I mentioned earlier that I was concerned about coming off too strong/scaring him away by mentioning my attraction to him before we even met. I didn’t want to give off the idea that I was just looking for sex, so I thought starting it off in a more platonic way was the better option if I wanted to actually meet in person at some point. I feel like if he had no interest in me at all, he wouldn’t have given me his number and would’ve stopped replying to my texts by now. But like I said, he never texts me first and that is something that bothers me and thinks the level of interest may not be mutual. My future communication with him will depend on what type of response I get from him when I text him in a few days to confirm whether or not he’s serious about meeting me in Dallas.

 

[dana2]

And for your last part, I mentioned earlier that I was concerned about coming off too strong/scaring him away by mentioning my attraction to him before we even met.

Arranging to go to a different state to meet someone might be seen as coming off too strong too.

Good luck & let us know what happens.

 

[dfw051980]

I agree with alot of what everyone has already said on this thread. You mentioned he does not live near the city and is in rural area and that may be a clue that he doesnt want to visit or hangout in Dallas. Also I skimmed most of what you said but im curious do you know if he is indeed "Out". Even if he is out he may not be comfortable with the gay lifestyle of going out in a big city. Whereas you coming from New York can definitely handle Dallas (you will probably think its kinda lame haha)

I live in Dallas and though the city itself has become more progressive outside of the city some places are not like that at all and it sounds like his reaction to you wanting to go out if he were to go maybe hes more the chill at a pvt restaurant, or chill place than going to a "Night Life" area.
I think he may genuinely wants to meet you at bare minimum a friend but maybe the signals you sent out were to strong for him. Yall wild New Yorkers still scare Texans .

Lastly I do live in Dallas so if you want some recommendations, if you end up coming here, I can offer some places for you to go hangout.

 

[utropia90]

Arranging to go to a different state to meet someone might be seen as coming off too strong too.

Good luck & let us know what happens.

Well the discussions about traveling to meet one another actually started when he posted to the Facebook group that we are members of asking what everyone’s plans for New Year’s were. He said was looking to travel and meet new people and that’s when I suggested he come to New York and come hang out with my friends and I for New Year’s. I also told him that I was going to a holiday party hosted by an LGBTQ conservative group in December that he could come to if he preferred to do that instead of coming for New Year’s. He seemed like he was genuinely interested, but he ended up not being able to make it for either. It wasn’t until after Christmas that I floated the idea of coming to Texas sometime this month to meet him and he suggested we meet in Dallas because there’s more to do there.

 

[utropia90]

I agree with alot of what everyone has already said on this thread. You mentioned he does not live near the city and is in rural area and that may be a clue that he doesnt want to visit or hangout in Dallas. Also I skimmed most of what you said but im curious do you know if he is indeed "Out". Even if he is out he may not be comfortable with the gay lifestyle of going out in a big city. Whereas you coming from New York can definitely handle Dallas (you will probably think its kinda lame haha)

I live in Dallas and though the city itself has become more progressive outside of the city some places are not like that at all and it sounds like his reaction to you wanting to go out if he were to go maybe hes more the chill at a pvt restaurant, or chill place than going to a "Night Life" area.
I think he may genuinely wants to meet you at bare minimum a friend but maybe the signals you sent out were to strong for him. Yall wild New Yorkers still scare Texans .

Lastly I do live in Dallas so if you want some recommendations, if you end up coming here, I can offer some places for you to go hangout.

I’m pretty sure he’s out. He mentions being gay in his Twitter bio, though he only signed up recently and doesn’t have many followers on there, but it is public. But I can see him being the type who likes to maybe lay low rather than going out a lot, but he told me he loves Dallas and goes all the time and seemed to know where all the gay bars are, etc.

And yeah, I’d love some recommendations if you want to send me a message.

 

[utropia90]

Arranging to go to a different state to meet someone might be seen as coming off too strong too.

Good luck & let us know what happens.

Alright, so I texted him yesterday (a week before I'm supposed to go there). This was my text:

Hey, just wanted to touch base about next weekend! I'm looking forward to meeting you and seeing Dallas (and celebrating our new President haha), but just wanted to make sure you're still down to hang before I finalize everything and make the trip there. No hard feelings either way though.

He replied and said "I planned to still go!" and I replied with "Ok awesome!"

He also liked a selfie of me on my Instagram (I know it doesn't mean much) not long after and we chatted briefly today on Snapchat after I sent him a pic of The Amityville Horror house (I was in the neighborhood).

So it looks like I'll be rolling the dice and making the trip. I feel like my text made it clear that I am going to meet him and gave him the option of backing out, but apparently he plans on following through. We shall see...

I may try to see if he'd be down for a quick chat over the phone this week to discuss plans, etc.