Made travel arrangements to meet someone who lives out of state but getting semi-flakey vibes. How do I make sure he’s serious about meeting up?

[dana2]

Alright, so here’s how it went. Last Monday, we were texting during the inauguration. I then asked if he had a few minutes at some point during the day to chat on the phone so I could ask him about some places I looked up for Dallas. After a few hours he replied “Sorry got busy, what’s up”. My 2 girl friends I was with at the time just suggested I try to call. I did and he didn’t answer. I followed up with a text saying that I just wanted to ask him about some places in Dallas I looked up and was wondering if he planned to meet up Friday or Saturday. He replied the next morning and said he would be there all weekend, so he was down to meet up whenever.

I got to Dallas on Friday. In the morning, I sent him a snap from when I was at the airport and we were chatting pretty consistently through there and then text when i landed. It was the most responsive he’s been thus far. We ended meeting up at an Italian restaurant in Dallas. We sat at the bar while we waited for a table and chatted. He was very nice, but definitely seemed a bit more on the quiet/reserved side but he did his fair share of talking as well. Not sure if he’s just naturally very chill or if it was nerves. We both ordered a drink at the bar but he mentioned being a lightweight/not a big drinker and I told him I’m the same. We then sat for dinner and spoke even more. We seem to want the same things out of life and have a lot in common. I enjoyed the dinner with him but part of me did wonder if he’s a little TOO introverted for me. However, after dinner we went to 2 gay bars and I feel like he opened up a bit more as the night went on.

When we were talking about not being huge fans of going out, partying, and drinking, I did say “I had a good time tonight though” and he said “me too”. At the second bar we were at, it was a little past midnight but we booked a brunch together for the next day. Shortly after, he said “I think I’m gonna head back soon”. We both ordered Ubers, I hugged him goodbye and went our separate ways. I sent him a text as soon as I got in (only a few minutes later because the bar was super close to where I was staying) to thank him for meeting up with me and telling him I had a great time. He didn’t reply, but I figured he probably passed out because he seemed to be tired and mentioned the alcohol hitting him.

The next morning (Saturday) I texted him to tell him to let me know when he is awake and asked how he was feeling. He said he felt like shit and never wants to drink again. I thought he might be trying to flake out of our lunch, but we still ended up going. I actually drove and picked him up. He told me how he woke up at 5am and was puking and then he had to take a drive to an antique shop to pick up some tables for his Dad (which we were texting about before I picked him up). I mentioned doing something together later at night but we didn’t have to drink again because I wasn’t really in the mood for more alcohol either. We had our lunch and then he mentioned how he wanted to get some rest. I dropped him back off and he said “I’ll text you in a little bit”. This was maybe around 1:30-ish in the afternoon.

A few hours went by so I texted him and asked if he got any rest and how he was feeling. I asked if he’d be down to do something more low key, like a comedy show. The texts went like this:

Him: “I feel like shit to be honest. And not really” (meaning he didn’t get any rest). “But I forgot my friend wanted to have dinner and he made a reservation for 8:30 tonight so I have to go to that. We can do something after

Me: Damn alright. Let me know when you’re done I want to make sure to say goodbye before you leave tomorrow AM, unless you’d like to get breakfast

Him: I know, I thought he still lived in Dallas so I told him I was visiting and he told me he moved to Chicago and next thing I know he’s like I am flying to Dallas Saturday and reserved dinner for 8:30. He’s always traveling. So I’m like shit.

Me: Don’t sweat it, go enjoy dinner with your friend. I’m gonna grab something to eat and then hit up some of the bars around here. Text me when you’re done and we can meet up.

I ended up going to grab something to eat on my own and went to a few bars myself. He never texted me. I know he told me he was driving back home early Sunday (yesterday) morning, but I have not heard from him since. I ended up making a Tinder profile just to see if he was on there in the middle of the night because I couldn’t sleep and he was. Maybe the story about the dinner with his “friend” was true or maybe he met up with someone he met on Tinder or another app.

I just wish he at least had the courtesy to text me at least the next morning and say “sorry, I was out later than expected” or something like that, but nothing. I’m confused because I feel like if he didn’t like me the first night we met, he wouldn’t have gone out to lunch with me again the next day. So I’m left feeling really hurt and confused.

I’ve been wanting to text him, but I’m not sure what to even say. My friends are all telling me not to.

Forget about him. Don't take it personally, but he is not interested in you romantically. In the past I have had my share of situations of being attracted to people where the attraction was not reciprocated. That is just life. I suggest to join a local gay hobby group (around me there are gay hiking and gay scuba groups). It's a good way to meet people.

 

[hisf]

he's not matching your interest, and you're throwing yourself at him.
Red flag isn't him, it's you. spend your energy on someone who is actually interested in you.

But fwiw, I'm sorry, it does suck :/

 

[utropia90]

Forget about him. Don't take it personally, but he is not interested in you romantically. In the past I have had my share of situations of being attracted to people where the attraction was not reciprocated. That is just life. I suggest to join a local gay hobby group (around me there are gay hiking and gay scuba groups). It's a good way to meet people.

Of course, my anxiety and OCD continued to make excuses for him. I texted him when I got home from my flight last night. Part of me was curious as to how he'd reply and part of me was also secretly hoping he wouldn't reply, because then I wouldn't be able to make any other possible excuses up in my brain and could finally cut communication off. But of course, he replied right away.

Me: Just got home. Holy shit, I don't think I've ever been this exhausted in my life lol. How was dinner with your friend Saturday night?

Him: Haha dinner was good. I went back to the Airbnb after, I felt like shit all the way up until this morning. Why are you so exhausted

Me: I drank again yesterday which I prob shouldn't have lol. For some reason alcohol makes me restless so I haven't slept much all weekend and I think it's hitting me now. Like we talked about, I really only drink when I'm on vacation or special occasions. *sighing emoji*

And yeah, was wondering what happened to you that night but figured you were exhausted. I stayed out pretty late. But I had a good time with you, hope you did too. Still can't believe I did karaoke and neither can my friends. *laughing emoji*

Him: I feel bad that I didn't do more with you but I literally felt like dog shit. I bet it is all catching up with you. Hopefully tonight you get some rest. Looks like you did some fun stuff yesterday though.

Me: Yeah I do wish we could've spent a little more time together but no worries. I had a fun day yesterday. But at least we learned a lesson - next time, no wine. Haha

Him: We will just have to meet again. And no I'm done with wine!

Me: Yeah I'm down to meet again, you're cool chill dude and I had fun with you. You should consider coming to Long Island in the summertime. There is SO much we can do - beaches, great food, plus you can see the Amityville Horror House in person haha. (the Amityville thing is something we had been talking about just for context)

Him: I'd love to when it warms up for sure. Even just for a weekend.

Me: I'd def come to Dallas again too. I really liked it there. It was very clean like you said and the ppl were cool.

Btw did you get the birds? How are they lol (he mentioned during our date that he was going to pick up some pet birds on his drive back home from Dallas)

Him: Haha yes I did. *facepalm emoji* Why do I do this to myself

Me: Hahaha because you're an animal lover! And so am I. If I had the space, I'd probably do the same lol.

Send me pics whenever you get a chance i wanna see what they look like. No rush

*end of convo*
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

He never sent the pics, but our chat last night was getting closer to when he said he normally goes to bed. Today he liked (well "loved"/heart reaction) something I posted to our Facebook group and liked another post on my Instagram story. Both were related to political stuff though, nothing personal.

I guess I am ok with keeping things civil between us, but not taking him too seriously. I still don't like that he didn't have the courtesy to text me on Saturday night to at least give a reason as to why he couldn't meet up.

I understand the whole "he's not interested in you, move along" line, but there were also people in this thread (and my own friends/family) telling me to cancel my trip because he wouldn't show up, and he did. I feel like if he didn't like me after our date on Friday night, he wouldn't have went to lunch with me on Saturday, especially considering he said he threw up from all of the drinking we did the night before - we both spoke about how we don't like to drink, but we made the mistake of having different liquor and wine.

I have a few different theories about what happened Saturday night:

1) Perhaps he was telling the truth about his friend making plans with him and once they were done with dinner, he was exhausted and went back to his AirBnb and crashed. He woke up early the next morning (he told me he usually wakes up at 5am) and headed home and figured I was out and about doing my own thing and didn't need to text me, or he is just all over the place and forgetful.

2) His "dinner with a friend" was really a Tinder/Grindr date or hookup he found because he was horny and he knew I was there for the purpose of getting to know him and NOT a hookup.

3) He was actually not feeling well/hungover from our night together before like he mentioned during lunch and didn't feel like going out again, so he made up the story about his friend and the dinner and just stayed in. He could have been embarrassed that he was so sick from the alcohol/having such a low tolerance.

Still, a text out of courtesy would have been nice. His communication has been weird. But in person, he was very nice, friendly, and personable. He definitely has social anxiety, he even mentioned it. He's a tough one to read, but like I said, I'm not going to take it too seriously. I'll text him here and there, and if I'm ever bored out of my mind, maybe I'll make plans to meet him one more time or see if he's serious about coming to NY this summer.

I appreciate everyone's advice and for reading my bs. It's nice to have non-biased strangers on the internet to vent to lol.

 

[dana2]

Of course, my anxiety and OCD continued to make excuses for him. I texted him when I got home from my flight last night. Part of me was curious as to how he'd reply and part of me was also secretly hoping he wouldn't reply, because then I wouldn't be able to make any other possible excuses up in my brain and could finally cut communication off. But of course, he replied right away.

Me: Just got home. Holy shit, I don't think I've ever been this exhausted in my life lol. How was dinner with your friend Saturday night?

Him: Haha dinner was good. I went back to the Airbnb after, I felt like shit all the way up until this morning. Why are you so exhausted

Me: I drank again yesterday which I prob shouldn't have lol. For some reason alcohol makes me restless so I haven't slept much all weekend and I think it's hitting me now. Like we talked about, I really only drink when I'm on vacation or special occasions. *sighing emoji*

And yeah, was wondering what happened to you that night but figured you were exhausted. I stayed out pretty late. But I had a good time with you, hope you did too. Still can't believe I did karaoke and neither can my friends. *laughing emoji*

Him: I feel bad that I didn't do more with you but I literally felt like dog shit. I bet it is all catching up with you. Hopefully tonight you get some rest. Looks like you did some fun stuff yesterday though.

Me: Yeah I do wish we could've spent a little more time together but no worries. I had a fun day yesterday. But at least we learned a lesson - next time, no wine. Haha

Him: We will just have to meet again. And no I'm done with wine!

Me: Yeah I'm down to meet again, you're cool chill dude and I had fun with you. You should consider coming to Long Island in the summertime. There is SO much we can do - beaches, great food, plus you can see the Amityville Horror House in person haha. (the Amityville thing is something we had been talking about just for context)

Him: I'd love to when it warms up for sure. Even just for a weekend.

Me: I'd def come to Dallas again too. I really liked it there. It was very clean like you said and the ppl were cool.

Btw did you get the birds? How are they lol (he mentioned during our date that he was going to pick up some pet birds on his drive back home from Dallas)

Him: Haha yes I did. *facepalm emoji* Why do I do this to myself

Me: Hahaha because you're an animal lover! And so am I. If I had the space, I'd probably do the same lol.

Send me pics whenever you get a chance i wanna see what they look like. No rush

*end of convo*
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

He never sent the pics, but our chat last night was getting closer to when he said he normally goes to bed. Today he liked (well "loved"/heart reaction) something I posted to our Facebook group and liked another post on my Instagram story. Both were related to political stuff though, nothing personal.

I guess I am ok with keeping things civil between us, but not taking him too seriously. I still don't like that he didn't have the courtesy to text me on Saturday night to at least give a reason as to why he couldn't meet up.

I understand the whole "he's not interested in you, move along" line, but there were also people in this thread (and my own friends/family) telling me to cancel my trip because he wouldn't show up, and he did. I feel like if he didn't like me after our date on Friday night, he wouldn't have went to lunch with me on Saturday, especially considering he said he threw up from all of the drinking we did the night before - we both spoke about how we don't like to drink, but we made the mistake of having different liquor and wine.

I have a few different theories about what happened Saturday night:

1) Perhaps he was telling the truth about his friend making plans with him and once they were done with dinner, he was exhausted and went back to his AirBnb and crashed. He woke up early the next morning (he told me he usually wakes up at 5am) and headed home and figured I was out and about doing my own thing and didn't need to text me, or he is just all over the place and forgetful.

2) His "dinner with a friend" was really a Tinder/Grindr date or hookup he found because he was horny and he knew I was there for the purpose of getting to know him and NOT a hookup.

3) He was actually not feeling well/hungover from our night together before like he mentioned during lunch and didn't feel like going out again, so he made up the story about his friend and the dinner and just stayed in. He could have been embarrassed that he was so sick from the alcohol/having such a low tolerance.

Still, a text out of courtesy would have been nice. His communication has been weird. But in person, he was very nice, friendly, and personable. He definitely has social anxiety, he even mentioned it. He's a tough one to read, but like I said, I'm not going to take it too seriously. I'll text him here and there, and if I'm ever bored out of my mind, maybe I'll make plans to meet him one more time or see if he's serious about coming to NY this summer.

I appreciate everyone's advice and for reading my bs. It's nice to have non-biased strangers on the internet to vent to lol.

Jeez how much did you guys drink?

It suspect that he just wants to be friends. Usually when there is romantic interest it becomes apparent, especially with all the booze you guys drank.

I would not invest mental energy in hypothesizing what happened Saturday night.

If you are interested in him romantically why not tell him? Call the question. What is the worst thing that can happen? He might rebuff you, but then at least you will know for sure and have closure. Just do it. Phrase it like "I like you and find you attractive. I wanted to see if there was any interest on your side. If not that's ok!- I value your friendship and hope we can still be friends"

 

[utropia90]

Jeez how much did you guys drink?

It suspect that he just wants to be friends. Usually when there is romantic interest it becomes apparent, especially with all the booze you guys drank.

I would not invest mental energy in hypothesizing what happened Saturday night.

If you are interested in him romantically why not tell him? Call the question. What is the worst thing that can happen? He might rebuff you, but then at least you will know for sure and have closure. Just do it. Phrase it like "I like you and find you attractive. I wanted to see if there was any interest on your side. If not that's ok!- I value your friendship and hope we can still be friends"

I was planning on saying something like this, but my friends convinced me not to do it. I probably will at some point. For now, I’ll probably just keep in touch with him via text here and there and on social media and maybe plan another meet up at some point this year. I want to focus on my health right now (have had an going issue for over a year and still undergoing surgeries) and get in really good shape so that the next time he sees me goes “woah”.

After our next meet up, I’ll just say it and see what his response is.

 

[Essex Deep Throater]

If in

I’ve been chatting with a guy that I met on a political-themed Facebook group for almost 2 months now. I DM’ed him and we chatted that way for a few weeks before I decided to give him my number and he texted me, so that’s how we’ve been communicating since.

He lives in Texas and I live in New York and he was looking to meet new people/travel for New Year’s. We discussed him coming here, but it ended up not happening for a legitimate reason that I know he wasn’t lying about.

He typically always replies to my texts and seems interested, but he has never texted me first. It’s always me reaching out. I figured if I really wanna get to know this guy, why not offer going to Texas to meet him. A few weeks ago I told him I’d be interested in coming to Texas so we could meet. He told me he’d be down to meet me in Dallas because there isn’t much to do where he lives (he lives in rural area).

Finally, last night, I started to initiate the actual plans. I asked him which weekends coming up would work for him and he said “I could probably make any weekend work other than this weekend. I need a trip to Dallas soon anyways”. I suggested the weekend of the 24th and asked if it worked for him. His reply was “It should! I don’t believe I have anything going on.”

I asked him which areas in Dallas he recommends staying in and if there are any I should avoid and he asked “Do you plan on going out?” - now, I could be overthinking this but I thought this was an odd thing to ask. Yeah, I planned on going out - WITH YOU. That’s the reason for I am coming…

Anyway, I replied saying that yeah, since I’m coming from NY, I’d like to go out but I’m not a huge party animal so I’m cool with going to a couple bars or whatever HE thinks is fun and told him I’m easy-going.

I sent him an area I was looking at booking for an AirBnb and asked for his opinion and he said that it’s a good area, but if I wanted to be closer to the gay bars, there’s a better area for that.

I ended up booking my flight and an AirBnb in the area where the gay bars are and sent to him and told him I think it’s a good spot. He said “I think so for sure.” I asked how far his drive was to Dallas from where he lives and he told me it was 5 hours. I told him that I didn’t realize he lived so far, but that he’d be more than welcome to crash with me since the place I rented is a decent size with 2 bedrooms. That was this morning, but he never replied.

To be clear, we both have been chatting in more of a friendly “I’m looking to meet new people” sense. We haven’t discussed sex/hooking up or anything like that. I kinda just wanted to meet him in person and if we hit it off, great - whether it’s just as friends/travel buddies, or something more.

But I do not want to travel only to be ghosted once I get there. I want to text him next week and make it clear that I made this trip so we could meet up and hang out, so if he isn’t serious, I’d like to know so that I can cancel my flight and AirBnb and get a refund.

I’m just having trouble with how exactly I can word my text without coming across the wrong way but still being direct.

FYI - I actually ended up canceling the AirBnb today so that I could get my full refund. I figured if we chat more and he’s serious I can always book another one last minute.

Appreciate any advice/suggestion

I’ve been chatting with a guy that I met on a political-themed Facebook group for almost 2 months now. I DM’ed him and we chatted that way for a few weeks before I decided to give him my number and he texted me, so that’s how we’ve been communicating since.

He lives in Texas and I live in New York and he was looking to meet new people/travel for New Year’s. We discussed him coming here, but it ended up not happening for a legitimate reason that I know he wasn’t lying about.

He typically always replies to my texts and seems interested, but he has never texted me first. It’s always me reaching out. I figured if I really wanna get to know this guy, why not offer going to Texas to meet him. A few weeks ago I told him I’d be interested in coming to Texas so we could meet. He told me he’d be down to meet me in Dallas because there isn’t much to do where he lives (he lives in rural area).

Finally, last night, I started to initiate the actual plans. I asked him which weekends coming up would work for him and he said “I could probably make any weekend work other than this weekend. I need a trip to Dallas soon anyways”. I suggested the weekend of the 24th and asked if it worked for him. His reply was “It should! I don’t believe I have anything going on.”

I asked him which areas in Dallas he recommends staying in and if there are any I should avoid and he asked “Do you plan on going out?” - now, I could be overthinking this but I thought this was an odd thing to ask. Yeah, I planned on going out - WITH YOU. That’s the reason for I am coming…

Anyway, I replied saying that yeah, since I’m coming from NY, I’d like to go out but I’m not a huge party animal so I’m cool with going to a couple bars or whatever HE thinks is fun and told him I’m easy-going.

I sent him an area I was looking at booking for an AirBnb and asked for his opinion and he said that it’s a good area, but if I wanted to be closer to the gay bars, there’s a better area for that.

I ended up booking my flight and an AirBnb in the area where the gay bars are and sent to him and told him I think it’s a good spot. He said “I think so for sure.” I asked how far his drive was to Dallas from where he lives and he told me it was 5 hours. I told him that I didn’t realize he lived so far, but that he’d be more than welcome to crash with me since the place I rented is a decent size with 2 bedrooms. That was this morning, but he never replied.

To be clear, we both have been chatting in more of a friendly “I’m looking to meet new people” sense. We haven’t discussed sex/hooking up or anything like that. I kinda just wanted to meet him in person and if we hit it off, great - whether it’s just as friends/travel buddies, or something more.

But I do not want to travel only to be ghosted once I get there. I want to text him next week and make it clear that I made this trip so we could meet up and hang out, so if he isn’t serious, I’d like to know so that I can cancel my flight and AirBnb and get a refund.

I’m just having trouble with how exactly I can word my text without coming across the wrong way but still being direct.

FYI - I actually ended up canceling the AirBnb today so that I could get my full refund. I figured if we chat more and he’s serious I can always book another one last minute.

Appreciate any advice/suggestions.

You don’t waste your time, tell him to visit you and if he does, happy days, if not you’ve saved yourself a wasted trip to a Trump loving state run by that far right wing nut job Abbott and if you’re not white white white, you might find yourself thrown over the border!

 

[Essex Deep Throater]

Five

A five hour drive is a serious commitment to make to meet someone I casually chat with online.

Also if the person didn't explicitly say they were coming to visit me, I wouldn't reply as if they were. So for example. I live in CT. A 5 hour drive from me can be as far as Maryland or Virginia. In NO WAY would I expect or even think about them making the trip specifically for me unless explicitly stated.

I understand he gave the suggestion of Dallas and he said his town isn't a good place to visit but that seems like a red-flag unless he didnt understand you were fully making a trip to Texas for the sole reason of meeting him and hanging out with him. HIs town may be rural but there's got to be something closer than 5 hours away!

Putting myself in his shoes, if someone made mention of wanting to visit but also made it sound like a part of a trip unlreated to specifically visiting me, I may also nonchalantly say I could make one of these weekends work but also not feel comfortable about going because well a 5 hour drive haha

Basically, I would be very blatant and transparent that you are making plans to visit and hang out with him. Not just to meet as if you are just "in the area(state)". And place the ball in his court. See when he would like to meet up and have him chose/dictate the dates when available.

Ultimately it sounds like hes being courteous but also uncommitted or uncomfortable with actually following through.

Good luck! Hope things work out though

Five hour drive? Have you checked Maps? It’s 22 hours 23 mins!! Waste of fuel, time, money and effort methinks !
Time for OP to move on to someone in NY!

 

[utropia90]

Five



Five hour drive? Have you checked Maps? It’s 22 hours 23 mins!! Waste of fuel, time, money and effort methinks !
Time for OP to move on to someone in NY!

It was a five hour drive for him to meet me in Dallas from the town in Texas where he lives, he didn’t drive to NY lol.

 

[utropia90]

If in



You don’t waste your time, tell him to visit you and if he does, happy days, if not you’ve saved yourself a wasted trip to a Trump loving state run by that far right wing nut job Abbott and if you’re not white white white, you might find yourself thrown over the border!

Not sure if you read the whole thread, but we met through a Gay Conservatives group on Facebook. I wouldn’t mind living in a red state.

 

[dfw051980]

If in



You don’t waste your time, tell him to visit you and if he does, happy days, if not you’ve saved yourself a wasted trip to a Trump loving state run by that far right wing nut job Abbott and if you’re not white white white, you might find yourself thrown over the border!

its funny reading this; the amount of people who hate Texas is some how equal to the amount of people moving here ... and there are plenty of Gay AF liberals living here too (me being one of them) lol.

 

[dfw051980]

I was planning on saying something like this, but my friends convinced me not to do it. I probably will at some point. For now, I’ll probably just keep in touch with him via text here and there and on social media and maybe plan another meet up at some point this year. I want to focus on my health right now (have had an going issue for over a year and still undergoing surgeries) and get in really good shape so that the next time he sees me goes “woah”.

After our next meet up, I’ll just say it and see what his response is.

Just wanna say I think you handled everything right even without our input. It's completely normal to lust or desire someone you meet and feel disappointed and upset to have it not be reciprocated. I think all gay people have to deal with this more so then others.
And honestly hes still talking to you so theres "something" there. You just gotta be okay with it maybe being just friendship or if it is more it might require some work... cause he is a man after all lol.

 

[utropia90]

Just wanna say I think you handled everything right even without our input. It's completely normal to lust or desire someone you meet and feel disappointed and upset to have it not be reciprocated. I think all gay people have to deal with this more so then others.
And honestly hes still talking to you so theres "something" there. You just gotta be okay with it maybe being just friendship or if it is more it might require some work... cause he is a man after all lol.

Yeah, I think this one is gonna require some work, but I am up for the challenge lol. I had a surgery this past Wednesday and he replied to my story on Facebook and said he was hoping and praying for the best for me. I texted him about a show we discussed in person and he replied and he liked quite a few of my posts on social media this week but if I want a conversation with him, I always have to be the one to reach out first, which is getting a bit bothersome. I would assume if he had no interest, he wouldn't be replying to my texts at all and liking my social media posts.

I kind of wonder how long I would have to go to see if he will reach out to me first, if he will at all...he seems quite guarded. Like he doesn't let people in easily or get too close to him too soon. I get a sense that he may have been hurt from a past relationship or something. So this will be a challenge considering we don't leave near one another. It will take a lot of effort on my part, but he is very hot, a nice guy, and we have a lot in common, so I think it will be worth the work haha.