Married bi guys, how do you handle it?

[steel33]

I thought I'd start a thread on how we do this, or not, in our marriage. Perhaps it can help others.

Personally I am married and have told my wife. She accepted it way better than I could have hoped for. We are actively searching for a respectful bi guy for a MFM for both of us.
While she knows I have yet to play alone on the side even though she said it's okay. I would like too but don't really feel there yet. I don't want to hurt her feelings. Would rather have her actually see me play with a guys cock whe she is still the center of attention of a MFM.

 

[Mybiside991]

I no longer tell women I'm in relationships with. I'm not married, but I've been in serious, long-term relationships and have made the mistake of bringing it up. Bisexuality ALWAYS ends up coming back to haunt me in some way. I prefer women to men, but I've decided that my sexuality is my private business.

 

[AHandfull]

Love the maturity and productive discussion on this thread. Refreshing. Yet another shade of gray here. Happily married and emotionally and physically drawn to women. Early and continuing gay encounters with a friend of mine though have always enabled me to be open with any sexual experience. He is happily married as well but we love each other with our hands and our mouths and it has always been brokeback intense. Started with an innocent game of truth or dare in seventh grade.

I have always been terrified of getting cooties and recognize the need to be responsible to my wife. I know he is clean. I have had a couple of other drunk encounters with others but I always seem to regret the fact that I put my wife at risk. No harm though in the end, its just that the experience is tainted. Given that I see him infrequently, my excitement comes from locker room encounters at gyms. Mostly masturbating with other guys in the steam room, shower stalls, etc. I don't feel that I am attracted to men, but to the exhibitionist and voyeuristic excitement that comes with showing off my cock and craving other big cocks. It's all about girth for me, the thicker they are, the hotter I get. I think that all men are attracted to big cocks, some just aren't in touch with their feelings. I love straight porn as well as gay porn, but all the guys have to be hung.

My sex life with my wife is terrible. I am very thick and she has an android pelvis which is a pelvis that is shaped and angled more like a man. Sex has always been painful for her so we have had to get creative and even that has gotten old. So I guess I need somebody to appreciate my cock and not loathe it and find myself increasingly turning to men as they like what they see and they appreciate my touch. It has been impossible to find another safe married partner who I can trust so I sit here in the dark frustrated. Sorry for war and peace.....thanks for listening.

 

[Mellow]

I came out to my wife when we were teenagers, and had just began dating. At the time my experience was probably a bit more with guys, but having a few long term relationships with girls, I had begun to focus my attention on them. At the time I had felt that if I expressed a common interest we could explore it together and enjoy sharing our attractions for others. It ended up being way too complicated at our age to enjoy, and has in most ways remained a source of insecurity. It has been something that, after all this time, she has come to on her own over the last year. Nothing earth shattering, but questions, and conversations initiated by her, and she listens. It has been awkward mostly, but probably more so because I have a sincere fear of rejection. It has never in my life been a positive experience when relating my bisexuality with women I know. It has puzzled and even depressed me to be so misunderstood by women I felt close enough to share that private detail of my life with. I find it also to be frustrating that possibly the best general male advocate for a woman's sexual freedom, and experience is seemingly uninteresting, and unapproachable. I don't regret being honest with my wife, and I'd like to think that in most ways I represent myself in a way that can be honest and open with others. I guess though, being completely transparent, I have layers of protective admissions that are half measured attempts at revealing my sexuality to avoid the alienation and harassment I experienced as a younger man.

I try not to be envious of those like you and your wife, steel33. You two are lucky in this way, and that you have found it important enough to each other to go forward together is a beautiful adventure. I have those moments with my wife, it just has a different unifying reason. I can see now that the versatility that is an inherent part of me has long before I accepted it given me the tools I needed to draw happiness or wisdom from anything. It's always there for us, just gotta take it.

 

[deleted1629561]

Hey guys...I've read all your comments and agree with them all. I'm 57 and married to my wife for 35 years. We havent had sex in 16 years. I went for many of those years celibate. I would jack off and look at guys but never allowed myself to engage in any way. I didnt want to admit to myself that I was bi. In the last 2 years I have started meeting up with guys and getting mutual pleasure. Even though I am totally discreet it has helped me release the enormous tension that had been created with lack of sex. I'm still secret but I dont feel near as bad about doing it as I used to. I'm actually a more pleasant man to be around now that I feel some tension release.

 

[Lakeshore]

I occasionally get with one married friend and we keep our lips sealed, and our wives no nothing about us. We use condoms every time we play. We agreed years ago that when we topped/bottomed we would wear a condom. We play with no others but we agreed to use condoms and stick to the agreement. I've had other guys contact me from time to time and I explain I can't take the chance and ignore them after that.

 

[AHandfull]

Great post ‘ret’. You learn something every day. A bit sheepish to admit that I had never heard of frot. Guess I am a bit sheltered up here in Michigan. Read quite a bit today, agreed with a lot of the tenets, disagreed with others. It stretched the brain a bit. All good.

It’s continues to amaze me how much the internet has impacted the broad spectrum of sexuality. A generation ago, this thread was not possible. Bisexuality was quiet and closeted and taboo. There were no resources available to us. We were alone and unconnected and relegated to purely chance encounters. Some of us had an early experience which influenced our actions and feelings, but we were still relatively alone in these thoughts. Now we can share and challenge our own line of thinking. Now we can see that we are a shade of gray, just like everyone else, and we can feel a lot more comfortable with who we are. So now I know what frotting is thanks to the internet and this thoughtful thread.

On the down side, I blame the internet for the towel dance and the generation that has grown up ashamed of being naked in front of other men. I grew up in a generation that shared a whirlpool naked and shared showers and walked the locker room. Now, I sit in the sauna and I am the only one with a towel around my waist. Everyone in that generation sits in board shorts and no one talks. The internet is rife with well-endowed men and big swinging cocks. It used to take a bit of work to obtain a picture of a naked man and there were fewer insecurities and pre-conceived notions. I think that the latest generation feels eternally inadequate and ashamed as if the eight-inch cock is the norm. There was a picture in the link that ‘ret’ sent of two men standing, one with his hand on the other’s shoulder. It was an incredibly sexy picture and both men had the standard 3-4 inch limp cock. It oozed manhood, yet they were clearly average. Awesome image. As my formal protest, I like to take the towel off my waist before I sit down in the sauna and spread it out and rewrap just to shake things up a bit.

The frot link really appealed to me and made me recall some of my most exciting encounters. There is nothing like a breathless face to face encounter, each stroking the other’s cock, pressed against each other, the swordplay, the inevitable comparison of manhood that come with that experience. I have never tried or pursued anal sex. I certainly understand the charge that comes with the dominance or submissiveness that is inevitable in such an encounter. However, the sanitary aspect of it is a turn off for me. To have to purge or prepare to receive anal sex takes the spontaneity out of the experience. If there is spontaneity and there is no preparation or assurance of a clean partner, again, the sanitary considerations would taint the whole experience for me. There was one time in the sauna when I had my arms wrapped around a guy from behind and I was stroking his cock while my cock was pressed downwards into the crack of his ass and I felt very powerful and dominant and excited. So I get it, I just don’t pursue it.

An aspect of frot that is a bit uncomfortable for me is the eye to eye contact and the inevitable close intimacy that comes with that. I am not interested or drawn to kiss men or be otherwise engaged. It’s just a cock thing for me, an exhibitionist thing. I am sure some will find that strange, just another shade of gray I guess.

 

[Oztrich]

My wife has known since before we were married that I am bisexual. Last night she was watching some video or show about Hollywood types who have come out as bisexual and that started her talking about it to me. She asked about frotting and what it feels like. About the sensations that come with oral sex for the guy performing it. About what anal feels like compared to what it feels like for a woman.

I think being open is what helps most. She likes that it is taboo and sort of breaking societal rules and that turns her on. That it turns her on turns me on like crazy.

 

[masonjames]

All you guys are right about the struggle being real. My wife doesn't know nor would she accept it if she new. I love her completely and have absolutely no desire for another woman. As a matter of fact she is the only woman I have ever had sex with.
I have struggled with the bi side all of my life. Had a few experiences, as a young man, just what a lot of guys do when they are young. Jacking off together and grabbing each others dick in play. Things like that. I was 50 years old before I discovered Gay.com and hooked up with my first man. I was so quilt ridden afterwards that I vowed to never do it again. I would fight it for as long as I could then I would meet someone else and go through the same process. About five years ago I met a younger man and instantly realized that what I was feeling for him was different from anything I had before. It was just sex and nothing more, with every man before him. We met a few times and to my horror I realized that I loved him and that there was nothing I could do about it.I called him and tried to tell him that I couldn't see him anymore but ended up calling him back and begging him to forgive me and told him I was scared. Fortunately he forgave me and we have been exclusive to each other for five years, other than our spouses.
Finding him was the best thing that has happened to me as far as my Bi desires go.

 

[runew2this2]

Steel33. . . I think it cool that your wife is open and willing to let you play with a guy in an MFM tryst. .my only advice is to take it slow. .remember once the scene is viewed the details will always be in her mind. . best to do mutual JO and frot (rubbing ur cocks) while both are orally servicing your wife. . .

She needs to be very comfortable if you will do oral on another guy let alone top or bottom. .

And you need to be comfortable swing your wife with another guy. .

If done right and over time, can be an awesome experience. .just remember the door only leads one way and once thru, no turning back!

Have fun and if ever in NY/NJ say hi!

 

[Boh]

My wife want me to have sex with her while I'm fucked by a guy or sucking cock. That makes her really really horny and the comes like hell again and again ...

 

[AHandfull]

Anyone have any interesting lines or ways to break the ice? Any interesting stories besides, I met him online or in the sauna? I have a friend who is divorced with a live-in girlfriend and I suspect that he would love to walk the bi side. Back when he used to drink, our conversations ranged all over the place and I found him to be very liberal and open-minded when it came to sexuality. Unfortunately I never had the guts to say or suggest anything as I wasn't gutsy in my younger years. He has a hot tub and we used to take turns naked while we were partying including his girlfriend. We weren't walking around naked but used the shadows at night to get undressed and slide in and out between beers. One night, it was just he and I and I slid my shorts off and climbed in. After ten minutes, I noticed him in his bedroom getting undressed and he came out and quickly jumped into a very small hot tub. After a few minutes of drunken conversation, I stood up and sat on the edge and complained that I was getting hot. He instantly agreed and then sat on his side. I got a bit gutsy and gave my cock a few tugs and he brushed his a bit (don't think it was my imagination). We both slid back in and resumed conversation. He has an outdoor shower and he climbed out eventually and showered off and disappeared into the sliding door off his bedroom. I got out and showered and worked up a semi and while I was rinsing off, I turned and saw him standing there through the screen watching me as we talked some more. He was really drunk but he didn't take his eyes of me while I was drying off. At one point, I heard him mutter Geez! under his breath. Couldn't tell if he was in a stupor or if he was trying to "communicate" with me. And that was it. Since then, he has given up drinking so I guess we haven't been in one of those private, carefree modes in a long while. Stumped as to how to make something happen without scaring him off or changing our relationship. He would be the perfect safe, hung friend that I have been looking for. Any stories out there would be appreciated.

 

[nutbag]

I'm married and my wife found out by accident... it was a bad scene, but in the end she was only hurt because I didn't tell her. She's very open to me exploring that side of my sexuality because she too is Bi. There were moments of doubt where she asked if I was gay, which I understood her fears and we talked about it a long time. I don't flaunt my exploits with guys for fear of making her jealous. I also don't do anything that takes away from my time with her. All is good now, but it was very tense for a while.

For guys reading this that haven't told their spouse, I'm not saying run to her now and tell her. I'm sure there are women that wouldn't understand the difference between gay and bisexual, or they might consider this flat-out cheating on them. That said, just know that omission of truth is just as bad as lying. Try starting small... like there was a guy jerking off in the shower at the gym and you joined him. Make it clear she's the one you want to be with. If you have no intention on getting into a relationship with a guy, let her (and any guy) know this. Do concentrate on your relationship with her so she feels secure. Maybe in time she'll want to participate in a MMF scene, with her just watching, or more if you're into that.

 

[hvdude]

Hey all. I have to chime in because it makes me sad to know that there are men out there that have a natural attraction to other men and can't act on it. Why do I say "natural"? I think that most men (not all) feel at one point or another a level of curiosity about what it would be like to make love with another man and it is only humane nature to want to explore this side of their sexuality. If you want to procreate then clearly it has to be with a woman, but beyond that sexuality is much more fluid.

I do understand the female partner's trepidation/fear. "Will he have sex with some guy and like it more than sex with me? Is there a chance I would lose him?" That is a real fear.

For those bi men on this thread an elsewhere that have had the extreme pleasure of being with another man it is not something most guys can just forget and walk away from. I hesitate to call it a Pandora's box, but once a man experiences the passion of sex with another man it is something that will always be in their mind and isn't something that a guy can "get out of his system". Being a gay man I can tell you that I personally love sex with men. Now don't get me wrong - there are some guys where the sex is lousy, but that is always a risk. Feeling another man's musculature and strength, the feeling of his cock in your hand/mouth/ass is unforgettable and the mutual release when you both share your sperm is so completely fulfilling.

Why aren't some of you looking for a gay man instead of another bi man? The bi dude may "understand where you're coming from" but may also be in the same situation as you. Most gay guys would want to try to help you work through it and allow you to fully express your same sex attraction as long as you are upfront about your situation and your intentions.

So you bi guys - there are people that feel your frustration. It's a journey you have to make. But you have to be honest with her and, more importantly, honest with yourself.

 

[baffledking]

I am very comfortable with my sexuality. I have had my share of memorable relationships/friendships with guys. I have also had my share of quick hook-ups, ranging from memorable-great-shady. But I am absolutely not interested in those shady hook-ups anymore. I still have my urges to be with a guy and my quest to find a guy continues. It has been a couple of years since I actually met up with a guy. Safety and disease are my biggest concerns. Being discreet makes it even harder. It is frustrating at times but I have come to accept it and will wait for the right opportunity. My married life is going great. My wife is a sweetheart. Love my family . So being self-restraint is totally the right way to go.

My take on two things that stood out in this thread -

First - I completely agree with keeping your sexuality discreet and not telling your spouse/partner. In my case, my wife found out accidentally which led to an emotionally filled, tense two days. When she finally had the composure to address it, I did not deny or defend myself nor was she comfortable talking about the details. I was absolutely shocked by the maturity with which she handled it. My wife is very conservative and religious. Never tell your wife/partner.

Second - I never looked for anyone who is openly or otherwise gay for a few reasons. They can never understand the need to keep this a secret. I don't want to take this on a tangent by talking about the other reasons.

 

[AHandfull]

My marriage is so sexless that in some strange way, I have rationalized that my occasional ventures with men provide an outlet for me that enables me to tolerate the lack of a quality sexual relationship with my wife. There are many marriages that fail due to lack of sex. I am OK with my situation and I am lucky to have my wife. That said, I long to get get naked in front of other men at the gym because I get great satisfaction from that. They appreciate my body, my wife doesn't. I would be just as willing to get naked in front of a bunch of women, but that would probably get me thrown in jail. So.......I am relegated to sitting in the sauna with a thick semi not-so-hidden under the shadow of my short towel hoping someone will notice........sigh......

 

[slick9876]

like many of you, my wife has no idea about this side and would freak if she found out. not worth the hassle, so I find my outlet on the internet...which is what clearly it was made for. it would be cool to find a safe, clean local jo buddy where I could explore these tendencies, but that's still a dream at this point. the struggle is DEFINITELY real!

 

[steel33]

We are experimenting with swinging and have been going at it slowly, our pace. In Feb. we soft swapped in MX with another couple. I was surprised at how turned on I was watching her suck the other guy's thick cock. I was just too distracted to attend to his wife properly. She ended up using a vibrator on my wife while I started to fuck her (my wife). We ended with our own wife's.
My biggest concern before this was if I would be jealous. I wasn't but was really turned on. I have told her this many times. We continue to talk about it. She is so more open to the possibilities for recreational sex. Last weekend we were talking about sex with someone hung. She talked about how it felt and I could tell she was really getting turned on because she started flushing. Over a year ago we had a chance to hook up with As respectful single hung bi male but I was t ready and passed. Hopefully we can reconnect with him again or find another guy who has his credentials.

 

[Oralgami15]

My interest in same sex experiences came about in my mid-40's when I was nearing the end of a 20 year marriage which had gone bad. I was sexually frustrated and resentful of the fact that I was involuntarily celibate and was forced to return to the sexual outlet of my adolescence. I was always very oral and mutual oral was always a big part of my activities with women. I was also envious of the ability women had to give such awesome pleasure and the power it gave them by doling it out sparingly.

Long story short, I began to fantasize about finding another married guy in my situation and casually doing for each other what we could no longer get from our wives. Just hedonistic pleasure made all the more exciting by the taboo nature of the act and the secrecy in which it had to be conducted. Married guys seemed safer and would have the same need for discretion. When I finally had the opportunity, it was with another married guy.

By the time I had my second encounter, I was divorced and had just experienced the painful breakup with my first post-marriage girlfriend. As I gained a little more experience, I preferred divorced guys and intentionally avoided married guys. I didn't like the fact that they were being deceitful and putting their wives at risk. The last encounter I had with a married guy made me decide to not hookup with them anymore. We were at his house, engrossed in the dirty deeds, when the sound of car wheels on the gravel driveway caused my partner to spring up and dash to the window, obviously fearing his wife was home early. However, they shared a common driveway with weekenders who owned the house behind his and they were just passing by. When he tried to resume where we had left off, he was sweating, his heart was pounding and his cock had shriveled and could not be resurrected. The experience made me realize that I could have found myself in the middle of a nasty situation and perhaps dragged into the middle of some strangers' divorce. No thanks.

I used to have a regular buddy who was just like me - divorced and mostly into women. We ended up going to bars together trying to meet women. Invariably we failed and ended up going back to his place or mine for some mutual relief. I have never heard of anyone else having a buddy like that.

 

[AHandfull]

Interesting perspective Column8. Quite frankly, this site, specifically this thread, has opened my eyes to the vast array of different shades of gray that exist on the sexuality spectrum. I think for some, that concern with who you are or what others may think is very real. For others like myself, I am completely comfortable with my quiet desires and I really don't feel any pressure to be someone else or change my "situation". Addressing Bigginuc's comment, I am happily married and I know that it would absolutely crush my wife if I disclosed to her that I was bi. It would destroy her and a very happy family of four. I think the right thing to do is so different depending upon your situation that it is tough to put any of these feelings or longings in any convenient box. So I live with a secret and an obligation to ensure that she is safe and never impacted by any choices that I make.