Partner wants a threesome

[Jesse479]

My partner and I have been together for 1 year and 6 months and they’ve expressed that in the future, maybe 3-4 years into our relationship they would like to have a threesome. The prospect or idea of having a threesome with them makes me feel uneasy and it’s also an unsettling feeling. I don’t know how I feel about it maybe because we’re a new couple. I love them very much and I understand why they’d desire a threesome but it also makes me feel uncomfortable at the thought of another man kissing them or penetrating them. I don’t know how to feel about this. Are they being selfish? They sort of mentioned it to me as if it were an ultimatum or if I thought it was a dealbreaker the idea of us having a threesome but the way they said seemed very cold and it made me feel like I don’t even have an option or an opinion on the matter.

 

[theplayerking]

You can have an opinion and the answer could be a dealbreaker. I find people don’t change, at least not in the way you hope they would. I love group sex but it’s a definite dealbreaker for my husband. I’ve had to reconcile myself to the fact that it’s never going to happen with him. It’s a choice that I’m ok with, but if you’re sexually incompatible with your partner, it’s best to find out now than in three years.

 

[Jesse479]

I appreciate your response thank you so much. What did the first part of your reply mean, I’m sorry I didn’t understand? I’m not expecting my partner to change but the fact that they told me that they wanted this experience yes or yes makes me feel like I don’t even matter or my opinion doesn’t matter, so what’s left? Why are they even with me? I know they say they love me but does having a threesome mean more than that love or our relationship? Should I just tell them to have a threesome without me? Whats the answer?

 

[theplayerking]

Some people enjoy gay sex for its intimacy while others (a smaller group) enjoy it for its camaraderie. I’m definitely in the latter category. Apart from the fucking, I personally see little difference in hosting an orgy versus hosting a barbecue. It’s about the social interaction, hanging out (literally and metaphorically) and having a good time with the guys.

For me, casual group sex with near strangers is the ultimate form of male bonding and I miss it now that I’m married to my husband. Wishing that we could have a threeway or go to a bathhouse together doesn’t diminish my love for him because, to me, they’re entirely separate things. Your partner may feel the same way.

 

[elklindoxxx]

My partner and I have been together for 1 year and 6 months and they’ve expressed that in the future, maybe 3-4 years into our relationship they would like to have a threesome. The prospect or idea of having a threesome with them makes me feel uneasy and it’s also an unsettling feeling. I don’t know how I feel about it maybe because we’re a new couple. I love them very much and I understand why they’d desire a threesome but it also makes me feel uncomfortable at the thought of another man kissing them or penetrating them. I don’t know how to feel about this. Are they being selfish? They sort of mentioned it to me as if it were an ultimatum or if I thought it was a dealbreaker the idea of us having a threesome but the way they said seemed very cold and it made me feel like I don’t even have an option or an opinion on the matter.

You may want to consider having a discussion with your partner about having an open relationship. My partner and I had the discussion about 9 - 12 months into the relationship and we agreed to have one.

It may or may not work for you, but you should consider it.

 

[chrisrobin]

Make sure you have an opinion to which he listens and anything you do do in the future must be on both agreeing, without being intimidated or forced into.
If you do go along the lines of a threesome lay down ground rules - the third party has to be one you both agree to, and it should be a one-time-only occurrence.
Some of us want one on one and bond that way without the need for a third party for sexual fun.
Others are made differently and need to have more than one partner, which can, even having professed love for the partner, resulting in him finding a better sex partner.

 

[Jesse479]

Some people enjoy gay sex for its intimacy while others (a smaller group) enjoy it for its camaraderie. I’m definitely in the latter category. Apart from the fucking, I personally see little difference in hosting an orgy versus hosting a barbecue. It’s about the social interaction, hanging out (literally and metaphorically) and having a good time with the guys.

For me, casual group sex with near strangers is the ultimate form of male bonding and I miss it now that I’m married to my husband. Wishing that we could have a threeway or go to a bathhouse together doesn’t diminish my love for him because, to me, they’re entirely separate things. Your partner may feel the same way.

again I appreciate your time and advice, I really do. For me it’s like, If you already know you’re that kind of person, and this is in general to anybody who thinks that way, then why not just stay single OR if you’re gonna begin a relationship with someone tell them from the start, hey this is the kind of person that I am, I want to be in an open relationship, are you comfortable with that? Because I think being in a threesome is an action based on lust and/or to fulfill a desire nothing else. But if you’re trying to have a repeat of that action it comes an open relationship. My partner seems to want to have an open relationship and I’ve heard many scary stories of couples doing that and then shortly after breaking up or separating.

 

[Jesse479]

You may want to consider having a discussion with your partner about having an open relationship. My partner and I had the discussion about 9 - 12 months into the relationship and we agreed to have one.

It may or may not work for you, but you should consider it.

Hi thanks for reaching out and taking the time to share your experiences and your advice. My thing is why tho? Why do I have to succumb to that lifestyle? Isn’t one person enough? Now I’d have to deal with a completely different person. Besides doesn’t bringing in another person into relationship cause a lot of issues like jealousy and other issues like time management and intimacy… why bring a new person into relationship when we’re in the middle of still learning about each other, getting to know each other; that just seems like a big risk all for what?

 

[Jesse479]

You may want to consider having a discussion with your partner about having an open relationship. My partner and I had the discussion about 9 - 12 months into the relationship and we agreed to have one.

It may or may not work for you, but you should consider it.

Hey thanks for your advice. Is this something that you and your partner do regularly or was it a one time thing?
If you don’t mind me asking…

 

[Kanashi]

Are you going to stay with them even if they say they are willing to break-up over it?

 

[Jesse479]

I’m in love but even so, I feel like these things need to be addressed and discussed multiple times.

 

[Mount Phalic]

My partner and I have been together for 1 year and 6 months and they’ve expressed that in the future, maybe 3-4 years into our relationship they would like to have a threesome. The prospect or idea of having a threesome with them makes me feel uneasy and it’s also an unsettling feeling. I don’t know how I feel about it maybe because we’re a new couple. I love them very much and I understand why they’d desire a threesome but it also makes me feel uncomfortable at the thought of another man kissing them or penetrating them. I don’t know how to feel about this. Are they being selfish? They sort of mentioned it to me as if it were an ultimatum or if I thought it was a dealbreaker the idea of us having a threesome but the way they said seemed very cold and it made me feel like I don’t even have an option or an opinion on the matter.

Why are you referring to your partner in the plural?

 

[Kanashi]

I’m in love but even so, I feel like these things need to be addressed and discussed multiple times.

what part do you feel needs to ve discussed multiple times: the fact that he wants to have a threesome or the fact that he's not taking your feelings into consideration?

 

[Jesse479]

Why are you referring to your partner in the plural?

My partner’s pronouns are they/them… they’re non-binary.

 

[Jesse479]

what part do you feel needs to ve discussed multiple times: the fact that he wants to have a threesome or the fact that he's not taking your feelings into consideration?

Both great questions… No to me at least, it would be how it would all go about, who would it be with, when and would it be a person we would be getting to know? Would this be a one time thing, what would be the rules, what would be both our boundaries, what wouldn’t we want to happen during sex with the 3rd person… there are a lot of things a couple should ask before making that huge leap.

 

[elklindoxxx]

Hey thanks for your advice. Is this something that you and your partner do regularly or was it a one time thing?
If you don’t mind me asking…

Being in an open relationship and swinging is a lifestyle not a one time event. It has supercharged + our sex lives over the past 10+ years. I's not for everyone though....

 

[Kanashi]

Both great questions… No to me at least, it would be how it would all go about, who would it be with, when and would it be a person we would be getting to know? Would this be a one time thing, what would be the rules, what would be both our boundaries, what wouldn’t we want to happen during sex with the 3rd person… there are a lot of things a couple should ask before making that huge leap.

These are all very great and understandable concerns. Have you yet shared theses concerns with your partner? If so,.what did they say?

 

[Andrej_u]

again I appreciate your time and advice, I really do. For me it’s like, If you already know you’re that kind of person, and this is in general to anybody who thinks that way, then why not just stay single OR if you’re gonna begin a relationship with someone tell them from the start, hey this is the kind of person that I am, I want to be in an open relationship, are you comfortable with that? Because I think being in a threesome is an action based on lust and/or to fulfill a desire nothing else. But if you’re trying to have a repeat of that action it comes an open relationship. My partner seems to want to have an open relationship and I’ve heard many scary stories of couples doing that and then shortly after breaking up or separating.

How long have the 2 of you been together?
When you get together with a person, there is an incredible amount of aspects where you can be compatible with them or not, and you go on finding out these aspects with time. Being monogamous or not is only one of these aspects, and has a different importance for different people.

You will never have 100% compatibility with someone: for example, it can happen months into the relationship that you realise you’re much more of a party person, while your partner have been trying to accommodate your party life and be a supporter/party buddy… and then they realised they are just not happy when they party.
Why didn’t they tell you before? Maybe they didn’t know this about themselves, they thought they could handle it but it turns out that they really can’t, or they simply didn’t make a big deal out of it up to now. And yet it is a difference, which significantly affects one thing of your life you really carr
Same with the open relationship: maybe they decided to give monogamy a try, and it worked up to now but now they’re starting to feel the desire for threesomes? Maybe it’s not such a big deal for them?

You should talk, express your concerns, make sure you listen and you feel listened, and find a middle ground that makes both of you happy, which is how relationships work.
P.S.: if you’re worried that they might fall in love with someone else while having casual sex in threesomes… don’t worry, they can fall in love during grocery shopping too! With that hot cashier from aisle 4

 

[Jesse479]

You may want to consider having a discussion with your partner about having an open relationship. My partner and I had the discussion about 9 - 12 months into the relationship and we agreed to have one.

It may or may not work for you, but you should consider it.

Hi there could you possibly give me for information on this? Like what did you guys talk about? What ways were you able to feel comfortable with opening the relationship? Was it something you both wanted equally? Did you guys put any boundaries? I’d really like your perspective on this. Thank you in advance.

 

[elklindoxxx]

Hi there could you possibly give me for information on this? Like what did you guys talk about? What ways were you able to feel comfortable with opening the relationship? Was it something you both wanted equally? Did you guys put any boundaries? I’d really like your perspective on this. Thank you in advance.

What I think you are asking is how did we started discussing opening up our relationship? And there is no "the" way of doing it.

Like what did you guys talk about?

I opened up the discussion one day by approaching my partner and I asked her directly how she felt about having a non-monogamous relationship. Because she is a direct person and likes to get straight to the point. So I discussed why I would like to go in that direction in our relationship. We freely exchanged our ideas and you need to be prepared to explain, listen and have long discussions. Be prepared to get pushback. And be prepared to discuss in a fully objective manner the pros and cons of opening up the relationship. You want to explain how the relationship will be benefit both people not just yourself, that is, you want it to be a win-win situation for you and your partner.

What ways were you able to feel comfortable with opening the relationship?

As I stated above, you need agree that the relationship will be beneficial for both people. And not because there is some deficiency in the relationship. An open relationship will not cure any ills that a couple has.

Was it something you both wanted equally?

Yes...obviously.

Did you guys put any boundaries?

Absolutely...YES.

And the ground rules will vary from couple to couple. You have to make them reasonable in nature, that is, not to restrictive or near limitless behavior.

I would strongly discourage cuckolding. Embarrassing or shaming your partner never works out. Nor do these couples who go out and play and say that they don't have sex with anybody separately...claiming that we will only go out and play together. That's open-relationship lite. That would never work for us.

I hope that answers your questions. Let us know what else you have. I'm sure that others here will be glad to give you some feedback. I strongly suggest that you ask direct questions instead of open ended ones. You will be able to get higher quality feedback. And please keep all inquiries on the board. I don't respond to DMs.