Hello everyone. First of all, thank you in advance to those who read me. I don't really know where to start, I don't even really know why I'm writing this here, but the truth is that I need advice from more experienced people. In short, I don't know what to do with my relationship. Me and my boyfriend have been together for 8 years now, living together for five. Apparently everything is fine between us but... I feel that there is something wrong and a lot. At the beginning of the relationship we had sex almost daily. There were caresses, kisses, hugs, going down the street holding hands, there was love. A love that, for his part, seems to have disappeared in recent years. I've been feeling like shit for months because I'm the one who goes to him looking for affection, whether it's sexual or simply loving. It's something that I've already talked to him about and that he denies, but, damn, he doesn't even briefly touch my leg, and let's not talk about fucking, which has become something we do every once in a while. As a precedent, I must add that in the second year of the relationship I discovered that he had been on grindr for those two years, something that we have already discussed and settled. But last year, I discovered that he masturbates on cam with strangers, something that he did not consider to be a hoax, something that I already made clear to him that it was. I think that, in reality, he doesn't want to be with me, but I don't understand then what he's still doing together and why he refuses to continue in the relationship. I honestly don't know what to do. Also, lately I am very sexually active, and it is impossible to do anything with him.
Relationship advice
- Thread starter Laracrof
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An extremely common issue, you are not alone. In some relationships the excitement of the intimacy wears off, and sometimes there's a need for the kind of variety and "newness" that hooking up brings. This is why many people find that open relationships are a good way to get what you need sexually when the rest of the relationship is positive but he sexual connection isn't there. (See, for example, Married, With Infidelities (Published 2011))
If you are happy in your home life and still love each other and want to be together, then if you can find other sexual outlets that may be a good way to go. But if your relationship has devolved into just being roommates who share a bed but no other connections, then the relationship might have run its course and it may be time to move on.
I would suggest you check out the many columns and podcasts of Dan Savage -- the situation you describe is one he talks about almost every week on his podcast, it's that common of a question.
If you are happy in your home life and still love each other and want to be together, then if you can find other sexual outlets that may be a good way to go. But if your relationship has devolved into just being roommates who share a bed but no other connections, then the relationship might have run its course and it may be time to move on.
I would suggest you check out the many columns and podcasts of Dan Savage -- the situation you describe is one he talks about almost every week on his podcast, it's that common of a question.
Firstly, you should consider relationship counselling as it seems like you both aren't communicating with each other very well. It's possible you both have needs that aren't being met and maybe you both have certain rules or expectations that the other is unaware of.
Secondly, it's normal for a long term relationship to settle into a less euphoric phase. Chasing the euphoria is how a lot of people end up in their old age alone because they are chasing something that is only ever short lived in a relationship.
Thirdly, that's not to say you should put up with a deteriorating relationship. A relationship is something that constantly evolves as you both change over time. You both have to work at evolving in the same direction which requires compromise on both sides. You don't have the fireworks of a new relationship but you have one where your depth of trust, companionship, support and acceptance is stronger than with anyone else in the world.
Fourth, there's nothing wrong with ending a relationship when it's run it's course. This is normal too. If your differences are irreconcilable, then don't waste your time being miserable. You only live once and every day you are with the wrong person, it's one less day you could be with the right one.
You can make money back after a separation but you can never get your time back.
This is the last resort. If you've made it 8 years, there must be something good about it. So go back to the first point and see where it goes.
Secondly, it's normal for a long term relationship to settle into a less euphoric phase. Chasing the euphoria is how a lot of people end up in their old age alone because they are chasing something that is only ever short lived in a relationship.
Thirdly, that's not to say you should put up with a deteriorating relationship. A relationship is something that constantly evolves as you both change over time. You both have to work at evolving in the same direction which requires compromise on both sides. You don't have the fireworks of a new relationship but you have one where your depth of trust, companionship, support and acceptance is stronger than with anyone else in the world.
Fourth, there's nothing wrong with ending a relationship when it's run it's course. This is normal too. If your differences are irreconcilable, then don't waste your time being miserable. You only live once and every day you are with the wrong person, it's one less day you could be with the right one.
You can make money back after a separation but you can never get your time back.
This is the last resort. If you've made it 8 years, there must be something good about it. So go back to the first point and see where it goes.
If the cam/cam is his only sexual outlet - is this something you could potentially be included in - so that you both get something out of it?
can you navigate your needs in that setting?
is an open relationship (with a lot of rules) something worth exploring?
agree with the previous posters - you maybe need to talk more with your partner and figure out why you aren't being included, I think a lot of time in a relationship - you avoid saying negative things - because you don't want to hurt the other, or you force each other to accommodate extreme rules that if broken end up killing the relationship
His lack of intimacy with you - it could have nothing to do with you, it could just be the result of growing up in the digital era and finding cam sex more enticing than dealing with real people. This could be something he is willing to work on, but if he doesn't or falls back into his old ways - is this a deal breaker?
Physical touch can be problematic for people too - especially if it triggers stuff that has happened in the past (abuse) that maybe hasn't been discussed in the setting of your relationship yet?
Physical intimacy could also be a cuddle on the couch or laughing together in bed or a passionate kiss - it doesnt always have to be sexual - would this be enough to sustain your needs?
If you cant explore sexuality together - are you still getting what you need out of this relationship?
If sex is missing - maybe a random hook up might fix the balance of what is missing from your relationship... but you might end up finding someone better - and maybe that's what you need anyway?
But my main takeaway - If you are happy and he is happy and what you give and what he offers you is 50/50 in every other aspect of your relationship and all that is lacking is the sex - that is still a better relationship than most and maybe focus on what else you get out of this relationship in a way to not feeling so hopeless about the situation but at the same time - open up a dialogue and see if you cant make things better.
can you navigate your needs in that setting?
is an open relationship (with a lot of rules) something worth exploring?
agree with the previous posters - you maybe need to talk more with your partner and figure out why you aren't being included, I think a lot of time in a relationship - you avoid saying negative things - because you don't want to hurt the other, or you force each other to accommodate extreme rules that if broken end up killing the relationship
His lack of intimacy with you - it could have nothing to do with you, it could just be the result of growing up in the digital era and finding cam sex more enticing than dealing with real people. This could be something he is willing to work on, but if he doesn't or falls back into his old ways - is this a deal breaker?
Physical touch can be problematic for people too - especially if it triggers stuff that has happened in the past (abuse) that maybe hasn't been discussed in the setting of your relationship yet?
Physical intimacy could also be a cuddle on the couch or laughing together in bed or a passionate kiss - it doesnt always have to be sexual - would this be enough to sustain your needs?
If you cant explore sexuality together - are you still getting what you need out of this relationship?
If sex is missing - maybe a random hook up might fix the balance of what is missing from your relationship... but you might end up finding someone better - and maybe that's what you need anyway?
But my main takeaway - If you are happy and he is happy and what you give and what he offers you is 50/50 in every other aspect of your relationship and all that is lacking is the sex - that is still a better relationship than most and maybe focus on what else you get out of this relationship in a way to not feeling so hopeless about the situation but at the same time - open up a dialogue and see if you cant make things better.
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