Relationship Disconnect

[girth_brooks_6.5]

My wife and I have been married for 6 years. We have two younger kiddos. She is often tired and not interested in intimate contact (I would estimate we are intimate every 4-6 weeks). I would obviously like more and try to ease into the mood by starting early after the kids are in bed...candles, massages, ect. This is generally unsuccessful. I try to be considerate lover...eager foreplay, oral, ect. I bought some conservative toys over Christmas to try and add some excitement into our bed. Not much has changed. However, she did open the vibrator I bought to share and have noticed it moving locations...her panty drawer and others. So she is clearly using it and has desires...just not involving me. Help!
Garth

 

[MickeyLee]

For true? Start before the kids are in bed, like, get the kids into bed. Do all the things she usually does from dusk (winter hours, 5ish summer solstice) to y'all hit the sheets.

Two results. She might be down to pound. You might see why she's so frippin' tired.

Also. The female form carries the longer recovery from booty making. Ya want the details lemme know. It's not nut & nap.

 

[girth_brooks_6.5]

your assumption is that i'm the average sitcom husband (a cultural problem but thats for another day), but in reality i get the kids up most days, dressed, breakfast, ready to leave (while she is at the gym), then i go to work until 6, come home, help start or finish dinner, do the dishes, work on laundry or other chores, then help with bath/bed...I generally put the youngest down then joint in on helping with the older. Turn on her heated bed, get her a water, rub her back. Help again...

 

[Tight_N_Juicy]

Some people just don't have a strong libido, and putting pressure on her to catch up to yours probably doesn't help.

I don't relate with her, generally. But I have had a long fucked up hormone journey. Sometimes it doesn't matter how sexy he tries to make me feel, I just don't.

He's patient with me when I go through those phases and I'm forever grateful because I know it's not easy for him either.

I have no advice. Because there is none. Acceptance is the key in most relationships.

4-6 weeks isn't so long. I know couples who haven't had sex in YEARS. Think of that glass as half full if you can.

If for some reason I found myself incapable of having sex ever again I'd hope that he'd still care about me enough to stay with me.

For all you know she WANTS to *want* sex more and hasn't found a way to comfortably communicate her issues with you. I'm just speculating but I hope you get my point. It's not easy to have a partner who wants sex way more often than you do but you just can't get yourself into that space. Feelings of inadequacy, worrying you might not be able to give them what they need in a relationship but Knowing that you love your partner and don't want them to leave you... But you just don't want sex much or at all.

Then there are guys (not you, OP, I'm just babbling now) who think they are owed sex in a relationship and have a mindset of "she can just let me fuck real quick and bust a nut, then I'll leave her alone". To them I say: say that shit when YOU are the one being penetrated every time you have sex. It's invasive and anyone, ANYONE who doesn't want to fuck should not feel obligated to do so.

Anyway... I'm sorry I don't have better advice. Life is indeed a butt.

 

[girth_brooks_6.5]

I appreciate your response and agree that its complicated. How does one get around such an intimate disconnect? I absolutely respect her desires or lack of them. I would never force myself on her...thats not intimacy in my book, thats just getting off. I long for a connection, and her pleasure is the most appealing thing for me. But her going months without (so far its been twice since August) isn't compatible with my desires. Its complicated because for me to respect her sexuality is to deny my own. How do we compromise? Is it even possible?

 

[SubbySlutForBigDick]

Could you maybe have someone look after the younguns for a couple of days and you both take a weekend away and have just time for you both

 

[EllieP]

Hormones can still be haywire years after childbirth. Horniness can be as fleeting as it is rare. It's like trying to catch lightning in a jar. Timing always seems to be off. Doing anything but sleeping in bed can sometimes be the furthest thing from the mind.

I've only had one child. I can't imagine dealing with multiples.

You don't say if your wife works outside of the home, but that's a whole other layer of anxiety and stress.

I don't have a solution to your dilemma.

But I can say at some point my libido came roaring back. I'd hang on to something if I were you.

 

[MickeyLee]

I'll own and apologize for being a snarky butthead. Having a partner fully parenting the smalls deffo knocks one off the issue list.

Is there other stuffs? Her job? Her family? Medical issues? Like, where is she in her head/heart?

Ms TnJ and Ms EllieP are wise and frisky womangs

 

[Tight_N_Juicy]

I appreciate your response and agree that its complicated. How does one get around such an intimate disconnect? I absolutely respect her desires or lack of them. I would never force myself on her...thats not intimacy in my book, thats just getting off. I long for a connection, and her pleasure is the most appealing thing for me. But her going months without (so far its been twice since August) isn't compatible with my desires. Its complicated because for me to respect her sexuality is to deny my own. How do we compromise? Is it even possible?

Honestly, I'm going through one of those phases right now.

I was never able to successfully have children and I've had 3 losses of pregnancy all in different ways. An ectopic about 16 years ago, I lost a daughter when I was 6 months pregnant almost 5 years ago, and two years later I had a very violent miscarriage about two months in. Two months later I had my uterus removed and ever since then it's been a rollercoaster. Lately I haven't even been able to masturbate and actually gain any satisfaction.

It is possible to compromise, you're just being kinda selfish. Which isn't meant as an insult. There's nothing wrong with admitting that you aren't getting what you need out of a relationship, but I have to ask if you've truly considered, with real empathy, how it may feel to be in her mind about this?

We're constantly reminded that "men need more sex, men want sex all the time, men are always horny"... I'm exaggerating but not really. It's shitty to know that my partner is MORE than fully satisfying to me as a partner.. but I can't help but feel like I'm not more than or even enough at all for him if I'm not always in a high libido phase, because to my knowledge he is.

There have been times in my life when I'M the one who wants/needs more sex and isn't getting it but it's always been dismissed because "it's not the same as a man, trust me". Ok. Whatever.

If you love this person and you're still considering not continuing the relationship because you need more sex than you're getting that's your decision to make.

Sex is a very small portion of a long term relationship but it's such a significant one. I won't judge anyone for living their lives the way they need to. I may not agree with your choice or reasons but I'm not you.

I'm just grateful that sometimes I'm very much happy to have sex all the time with my partner and that when I go through a dry spell (which will likely become more frequent in the next few years) he's supportive and doesn't make me feel worse than I already do about it.

Take care.