I have a straight married friend (query his bi-curiosity) for a few years. He is really tolerant of my sexual orientation (bi with male preference) and we are open with each other. He has 2 sons. As mentioned in another thread he knows that there is some attraction for me. When we say goodbye to each other I sense a brooding, intense expression on his face which causes me to stare a bit. We have this unspoken but profound staring. I do wonder at times if he also picks up on these intense moments and if he even deliberately holds my gaze to see my reaction. It can feel sexual for me but I am curious about what's going through his brain. I can't ask as he would be pretty shocked and probably deny. I share somethings about my sexual escapades with him and he doesn't judge but, as i said before, he often harks back to discussing these sexual tales to the point that I wonder if he's getting off privately. I have this sneaking suspicion that he has a 30% attraction to me or men or dicks. How could I find out definitively?
Straight guy being so inscrutable.
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Men don’t look directly into each other’s eyes any longer than necessary unless they want to fight or fuck. And it doesn’t sound like he wants to fight you.
Probably not a good idea to touch him, but you can touch yourself and see if he follows your lead.
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@theplayerking . Great advice, unless the OP is reading his signals wrong. A guy publicly touching himself may not have the results he may hope for from another guy.
The OP has an attraction / addiction for unavailable males, at least as his postings / stories reveal
The OP has an attraction / addiction for unavailable males, at least as his postings / stories reveal
halcyondays
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Definitely? Set aside your fear and take the direct route: ask him.
As for eye contact when saying goodbye remember that people often make the most intense eye contact when greeting and departing. I think you're misreading that gaze. To you it's profound because you're attracted to him, but to him he's just saying goodbye to a friend.
You've shared some of your same-sexscapades with him and he has revisited some of them but I'm guessing he's never shared anything about HIS same sex attractions (if any). Maybe ask him if he's ever been attracted to a guy? This makes it about him and not you two. If he says he hasn't you can just change the subject. If he asks why you asked just say you were curious.
Many guys have used this approach with me before getting around to asking if I'm attracted to them--especially guys who think I'm straight.
He is a friend so you already know the risk.
As for eye contact when saying goodbye remember that people often make the most intense eye contact when greeting and departing. I think you're misreading that gaze. To you it's profound because you're attracted to him, but to him he's just saying goodbye to a friend.
You've shared some of your same-sexscapades with him and he has revisited some of them but I'm guessing he's never shared anything about HIS same sex attractions (if any). Maybe ask him if he's ever been attracted to a guy? This makes it about him and not you two. If he says he hasn't you can just change the subject. If he asks why you asked just say you were curious.
Many guys have used this approach with me before getting around to asking if I'm attracted to them--especially guys who think I'm straight.
He is a friend so you already know the risk.
i had a gay friend. straight out in love with me. he constantly assumed every one was gay ,and they liked him. he was actually a bit funny looking, so no. at the end of our relationship he came out and asked as a round about, "if i were gay, would i be attracted to him". he was shocked, pissed, quite mad to find out he was not my type. and some guys, can make eye contact, have soft sides, are just generally nice- does not mean they want to fuck you. so unless he says or does something obvious, I'd keep it in you mind/pants. he mght be trying in his mind to not to be homophobic by avoiding eye contact.
I think you are seeing what you want to see. Gays have this pathology often with straight unavailable guys. Straight men that are tolerant and cool with their friends being gay risk their coolness being interpreted as gay proclivity. It's a repetitive scenario tbh. My advice is to let this be and find a gay man who is interested in you genuinely.
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Well written and good advice
Though I am not qualified to offer medical advice. I can say that what you wrote is covered under the term Psychological Projection
Ro
This is the quiet part nobody wants to say out loud. OP describes a situation in which the straight man he's lusting after could just as easily be deemed a homophobe if he weren't as engaging, meanwhile if OP were to describe this situation from his perspective to women in their social group, there is a high likelihood it would greatly mitigate the amount of sexual/romantic interest or opportunities they would offer that man.
I think the best strategy for gay men in general is to not presume homoerotic attraction from "straight" men until it is demonstrated and expressed in an objectively unquestionable, and demonstrably replicated fashion. I think they need to stop hoping they are going to be the safe space for this man that perhaps they didn't have, and I think they need to check their egos and realize just like too many straight dudes think their penises will be one that snaps a lesbian back to reality, it's not your mouth/ass/penis/soul which is going to free his inner "gay".
Have more respect for yourselves and the confirmed homosexual opportunities you inherently have, and put the onus on covertly bicurious men to out themselves if they would like to partake of what you'll offer.
I agree with you, but I would add some disclaimer to the part about having "respect for yourselves". Many times is not projection. I don't know in this case, but there definitely are guys who describe themselves as "straight" but engage in certain homoerotic behavior that messes up with our heads - and those of us who have several straight friends know that this doesn't happen with all of them.
I think the part about "respecting yourself" would be more like: ask yourself if this guy only wants to feel wanted. If that's the case, stop feeding on his ego. He's using you (even if he wouldn't acknowledge it or call it that). A real friend doesn't do that, doesn't drain you. Move on - it's going to suck for a while but your mind will be at peace and you won't be dealing with any confusion.
Here's the thing: I don't doubt that there are "straight" men that engage in homoerotic behaviors, I simply believe there are far more out homosexual men to choose from for your heads to get messed up, unless there's deeper issues to introspect upon when it comes to self image and desire for gay men.
I liken a lot of gay mens trials and tribulations with "straight" men, to moderately attractive/desirable heterosexual men that are somehow hung up upon an OF model or a pornstar, allowing their head to get messed up over a sex worker when women not in the lifestyle are obviously interested. I would tell him just the same, unless this woman is actively quitting all aspects of sex work(negating her socioeconomic and attentive privilege) she is not to be taken seriously...I don't think any gay man should allow themselves to be confused by a "straight" man unless that man is willing to negate his hetero privilege and stop benefitting from heteronormativity.
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