Struggling with Same-Sex Attraction

[vex4]

Good morning fellas. I am a bisexual man (around 60/40 to 70/30), and currently in a same-sex relationship. We fell in love, and just got our first place together. Although attracted to women, we just never got along; I never found an emotional-intellectual equal in whom I could find support. I find such connections better in men, and we ([name redacted], and I) also have a great sex life. However, I feel like I am missing out on the traditional family lifestyle of one day having a wife and kids. I never had sex with a woman, and my boyfriend is the person I lost my virginity to. This has made me all the more curious as to what sex with a woman is like, and if I have possibly missed out on a great opportunity; pleasure-wise, as well as personal fulfillment-wise. I love my boyfriend, and the last thing I wanna do is hurt him. But I honestly don't feel I wanna be gay for the rest of my life; I do wanna eventually try other things. I don't agree with non-monogamy, along with the dysfunctional chaos that accompanies it, thus is my struggle as a bisexual man. Thus, I do wanna be true and faithful; I don't intend to stray, but I feel both he and I are just having a magnificently good time until the magic wears off. I just don't know. Any and all commentary is appreciated.

You might want to do him the favor of communicating some or all of this to him, whatever you feel comfortable with talking to him about. These things won't resolve themselves magically. Do you want to have sex with a woman? Do you want kids (does he want kids?) You said you think you "don't want to be "gay" for the rest of your life" but does that mean you want to be with a woman, or you want a "family"? There are plenty of gay couples out there happily married with kids for years now. You said he's some 'way' of bisexual too, where that means some day a mmf thing might be on the table, or if you can just be more open with him about your desires in a way so you don't have to feel guilty about having them, since they're natural to you. Mostly you need to communicate with him. Especially about any potential family/kids things. All that said, there's nothing wrong with enjoying the now with him either with how much you said you feel falling more in love with him, that's a wonderful thing and let yourself experience that. <3 If/when you do enter a phase of your relationship where you're planning for the future more then at that time let him in more on your thoughts about that future.

And take what I'm saying with a grain of salt since I'm gay not Bi, sorry for commenting on this sub-forum. I really felt the need to reply after reading your posts, but I feel like I'm overstepping a bit too.

 

[Tosser]

Hey guys, thank you very much for your replies and and messages. I'm feeling much better now; it felt good to get these thoughts off my chest, and get my head to stop spinning. I feel I have a very good idea of what I like, and for as long as I am with my boyfriend, I shall feel at peace. I'm so lucky to have him; we had the most enchanting night of romance and passion, and in the throes of said passion he said "I am so in love". I said the same. We're both (albeit in different ways) bisexual, and it's nice I get to share that with him and be open about it. I definitely don't feel that "the magic will wear off", anymore; it just keeps getting more and more brilliant.

There are times of exploration, and times of settling into a comfortable lifestyle.
I settled into a nice long marriage to a wonderful woman. Kids, house: the whole bit.
Unfortunately she passed from cancer 10 plus years ago.

Now I find myself again in a “time of finding out.” Which is why I joined this page.
We have the ability to re-create ourselves anytime, but we scarcely know it consciously.
The sub-conscious is always churning, like geological plate tectonics. One geological plate is sub-ducted by another, and ten years later we discover a whole new continent.

Some of us have just landed on the beach and have a whole knew continent -that we may have only heard about- before us. Again, a time of finding out, between long geological epochs of stability and ease.

You seem aware enough of yourself. Stay in the present moment.

 

[deleted4667851]

Nah, I think it's a logical conclusion, yea though it may be typical. The more I have been with men, the more I realize I actually do like women. My frustration stems from my youth where many asserted that due to certain traits I must be a homosexual; they wouldn't approve of that, but practically pronounced it as my fate, on the spot. And so I defaulted by being effectively asexual for a long time. Now in adulthood, with the opportunity to let all of that go, I have been able to learn what I like. So who knows, maybe one day I will make love to a beautiful woman, marry her, and have a couple of kids. Wouldn't that be nice? But I just don't know; our exceedingly abrasive in-your-face-about-your-sexuality culture fucked me up.

You could have a biological family with your husband and feel just as conventional as with a woman. Also find a good therapist who deals with the LGBT community and is highly recommended. Asking for advice on life changing situations from strangers can be very dangerous.

And I agree with others who already said talk to your male partner. Honesty is the cornerstone of a great relationship

 

[Lover man]

It's a tricky one

 

[sundancer]

There is a bisexual guy, who makes youtube videos that are very thought provoking. You might give him a look and see if he can help answer a lot of the questions bisexual people face. he has really helped me.
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCct1pE5fNVUdIR1aw3wxPew

 

[Tosser]

^^^^^^^^^^^
Thank you!
Seems like a great resource!

 

[dewlove43220]

No whores.

Wow, folks have been very helpful in giving you advice and THIS is how you respond? Sex work is legitimate work and sex workers don't deserve your disrespect. Perhaps you need to work on some internal growth before worrying about treating a woman as if she's nothing more than an paper cup of sexual experience in your own personal Pepsi challenge.

 

[deleted15981831]

Wow, folks have been very helpful in giving you advice and THIS is how you respond? Sex work is legitimate work and sex workers don't deserve your disrespect. Perhaps you need to work on some internal growth before worrying about treating a woman as if she's nothing more than an paper cup of sexual experience in your own personal Pepsi challenge.

What a garbage reply. You're wrong and you know it. You're not fooling anyone.

 

[Thom Hewson]

Good morning fellas. I am a bisexual man (around 60/40 to 70/30), and currently in a same-sex relationship. We fell in love, and just got our first place together. Although attracted to women, we just never got along; I never found an emotional-intellectual equal in whom I could find support. I find such connections better in men, and we ([name redacted], and I) also have a great sex life. However, I feel like I am missing out on the traditional family lifestyle of one day having a wife and kids. I never had sex with a woman, and my boyfriend is the person I lost my virginity to. This has made me all the more curious as to what sex with a woman is like, and if I have possibly missed out on a great opportunity; pleasure-wise, as well as personal fulfillment-wise. I love my boyfriend, and the last thing I wanna do is hurt him. But I honestly don't feel I wanna be gay for the rest of my life; I do wanna eventually try other things. I don't agree with non-monogamy, along with the dysfunctional chaos that accompanies it, thus is my struggle as a bisexual man. Thus, I do wanna be true and faithful; I don't intend to stray, but I feel both he and I are just having a magnificently good time until the magic wears off. I just don't know. Any and all commentary is appreciated

@gayman28 how old are you? if you're not even 30 yet, then i am a little surprised you havent considered the possibility of being a parent with your beau.... unless he wants no part of being a dad. and then perhaps with another partner if this relationship is not to last.

As a gay man married to my wife for 35 years with a family of two grown sons 27 and 22, I would tell you that the urge to nurture and be a dad is inside you, and that in spite of my personal situation i couldn't imagine my life without my sons. Doubly so because the younger son was adopted when we just got tired of having miscarriages....

i would also tell you that i did my best to not act on my sexuality until i was 54. that's a whole other story, but what rises to the top here is that when i started speaking with gay guys my age about what's your life like as i contemplated my own future, every single one of them to a man confirmed that the thought of being a parent with another man when we were in our 20s or 30s was absolutely unthinkable. it is doable now. Adoptions go through. Foster parenting goes through and turns into adoption. I even know a single gay guy who has two daughters. He is their biological father and the egg donor is the same woman, so they are full sisters...but two different women in Canada were their surrogate birth "mothers." i think they were even conceived at the same time, the younger daughter's embryo was frozen until Dad was ready four years later for the second birth. So kids happen in many different ways now.

So i would suggest to you that being gay and starting a family are not mutually exclusive. Far better in my book to be a nontraditional but loving and committed couple than to check all the boxes except happiness and compatibility.

 

[deleted867851]

Could you expound upon that, for me? Are you saying that you realized you also like men, after being in a relationship with a woman?

I did. My first was a guy. Then i lost my virginity to a girl and stayed with girls for a while. Then hooked up with a great guy. Being to young it didn't last. Then met and married my wife. It was then that i realized I really was into men and figured out i was bi not just bored. I often fantasize about how life would have been. I love my family and my son, but still wonder.
If your not planning the rest of your life with you current relationship, maybe you should move on. That or you need to have a serious talk. The longer you wait the more it is going to hurt

 

[deleted867851]

Hey guys, thank you very much for your replies and and messages. I'm feeling much better now; it felt good to get these thoughts off my chest, and get my head to stop spinning. I feel I have a very good idea of what I like, and for as long as I am with my boyfriend, I shall feel at peace. I'm so lucky to have him; we had the most enchanting night of romance and passion, and in the throes of said passion he said "I am so in love". I said the same. We're both (albeit in different ways) bisexual, and it's nice I get to share that with him and be open about it. I definitely don't feel that "the magic will wear off", anymore; it just keeps getting more and more brilliant.

Just read this reply. Awesome, congratulations and here to hoping you two enjoy and long happy life together