Turning my life around, to avoid my cheating past. Advice?

[integritymatters]

I'm in a happy relationship now, but I'm constantly fighting the urge to cheat.

It was difficult to admit that I cheated in a few of my past relationships & had emotional affairs, long-distance & one in-person affair as well.
But I'm trying and trying to do the right thing.
To avoid cheating, I decided to be polyamorous in November 2018 (which is around the time I came out - who knew that coming out to my relative would be my biggest regret, but anyway).

Fast forward to January 2024, and I felt it was necessary to just be monogamous again, like I was in my early 20s (I'm 27 now & had been poly since I was 22 and had just left an abusive relationship).

After that, I still do - occasionally - fight the urge to cheat on my current boyfriend.
He is wonderful to me, but I don't know why it's still tempting all of a sudden.

Some stories that could possibly explain my past cheating:
1. In a "past life" (where I was the nerd with glasses, in school) I was very unattractive, was bullied, and basically threw myself at every girl and guy I had a crush on - I had no inhibitions and was brutally honest about it. One time, I even wrote a list of all the guys (and I think one or two girls) I had crushes on in school, and went around school showing it to all my friends (Why the HELL would I do something so stupid like that? Knowing I wanted to stay closeted? I was so stupid back then......)
Anyway, always being the nerd - by the time I got older - became something I resented; my family and friends used to tease me about it, and they take no accountability for how it made me feel - so I dropped the glasses and went from prep school clothes, to sweatpants and turtlenecks, but sometimes T-shirts and rarely polo shirts.
If I had known then, what I know now - especially about dating and desirability - I would have probably stayed single until I was 27; but news flash, I didn't.
I was a serial dater; by 2023, I'd dated more than 150 people (both men and women, but mostly men), and all of them were long-distance, except for four of them - two women (who both cut me out their lives) and two men (both of whom were abusive to me - I'm glad one of them stopped stalking me, in fact).

I also come from an abusive family dynamic & a huge family on both sides.
My siblings, basically "absentee siblings", were all born and raised overseas or in New England (I'm in New Jersey) and have never been active in my life - my mom admitted to me 2 years ago that my sister (who, at that time was 26 years old and I was a toddler of about 5) was jealous of me, since our dad moved to the US and my sister felt abandoned by him.

So her solution was to only visit America to speak to our dad, while always disrespecting me - I was visibly anorexic, and she not only skinny shamed me, she went as far as to say in 2005, "If you don't eat, you're going to get osteoporosis!"
Little things like that, always stuck with me - and I've since tried to reach out to my siblings, but they consistently ignore me.
Or my sister will go several years in and out my life - we stopped talking in 2012, spoke once in 2013 (she threatened me), and we never spoke again until 2017-18, and then she up and left again.

Having recently accepted that I have abandonment issues (obviously from my siblings), I felt it necessaruy to silently cut my siblings out my life; my eldest sister (the one I've been mentioning) is a 48 year old grandmother; I'm literally a 27 year old great-uncle who's only met two of his nephews, one time and briefly met my niece, but I'm sure she doesn't remember me.
The last time I even saw my sister was when our dad died in 2010, and she argued with my mother over his organ donation - my mom decided she wanted to do it, and my sister yelled at her, "WE (Bermudians) don't do that here!"
And my sister insisted our dad be buried in Bermuda - if I had a say in the matter (which, obviously she didn't want me to, since she sees me as her fourth son, despite us having different surnames) I would have insisted our dad be cremated and both my sister and I split his ashes.
He also died intestate, so my sister had him buried in Bermuda to spite my mother (who's her stepmother) and myself.

My parents were married for 16 years; my mother admitted she wasn't around, while her whole family basically defamed my father every chance they got - and they still do today, because they know I have no problem exposing them as liars - he was never abusive toward me, never cruel, and nothing like how they wanted me to perceive him.
My mother, however?
My mom and her shady family have god complexes - she said to one of my relatives years ago (about my sister taking me to Bermuda), "I don't want him going to Bermuda because she might abduct him!"
My mom met my sister when she was 19, in 1994; my mom was 31 - and my other sister was 3 years younger - and she's having delusions in the 2000s about my sister kidnapping me?
Who says that about their stepdaughter and their son?

Long story short, I moved out my mom's house 2 months ago, due to her constant abuse toward me.
She also had me falsely hospitalized and she drugged me; due to the drugging, I became addicted to pills for 7 years (all of this was done without my consent).
But looking back now, I presume my addiction stemmed from the abandonment from my siblings (and of course, them having zero empathy for me and not caring to even visit me, for 27 years) and to an extent, my mom's abusive behavior (which only got worse because I got sober in 2020; I'll be 4 years sober on March 17th in fact).
So due to my mom's abuse turning from medical abuse & verbal abuse (she'd start arguments with me on a daily basis) and progressing more recently into physical abuse (3 separate incidents of DV, which I previously spoke about on LPSG actually), I knew if I force myself to leave, that's the only way out.

It's been 2 months since I left, and I couldn't be happier.
Today, the new problem is me trying very hard to prevent myself from cheating, since I've been trying to turn my life around and cut my mom off permanently (which hasn't worked out so far).
I have a second job interview in the morning - for a marketing job - and it's my only way out of my rough situation (I literally have only $58 in my bank account) - so wish me luck!
In the last 3 months, every job I interviewed for, turned me down - until now.
I got this job to pay for my bus ticket to Nebraska, since my abuser refuses to help me move, but she's paying for my current apartment (and I had to get on government assistance, since she refused to help me, while I got back on my feet - and she's also mocked me for that too, while committing certain crimes - I will not say - for her personal & financial gain).


2. One of my exes, from Argentina - who I previously wrote about in 2022 on LPSG - basically exploited me.
We were friends for a year and a half, before we started dating on October 7, 2021.
He's a college student and lives on his own - but basically used me to achieve those goals.
In my day, we called that "gold digging" and "selling your soul", but I wouldn't quite say that's the case, despite the fact we did meet on OnlyFans (which is where we spoke, for the entirety of our relationship).

October 5, 2022 comes around and I was preparing to propose to him at the time; I woke up on Oct. 5th and found he had ghosted me.
So I was heartbroken and wrote a lengthy letter to him in November 2022 - to which, he only said, "I'm sorry, I was depressed", as the reason for him ghosting me (he'd also ghosted me, once before, for about 4 months).

A friend suggested he may have cheated on me - I don't know if he did or didn't, since we split up 2 years ago - and someone else suggested he was taking advantage of me financially, so I moved on.

And 2 1/2 years later, here I am, in a happy 10 month relationship with my current boyfriend.
So long story short, I do not want to mess anything up.

But also, I hope I was able to offer context.

Now - What do you think are some ways I could work on resisting the urge to cheat?
I haven't cheated, but I'm just trying to heal from my past and make sure I don't end up losing my boyfriend, who I definitely see a future with.
He's working on moving to the US to be with me, in fact - so I'm especially making sure to stay grounded.

 

[stretch8888]

part of it i found i just grew out of it the other personally biggest thing is will power to remove temptation.

In my 20s i avoided relationships because i wanted to fuck every woman i met, as i got older though i started getting better at avoiding it, my last relationship was a little shy of 4 yrs, i was 31 she was 9yrs younger and i was good for the first couple years, but my GF was younger, high sex drive, bisexual and started wanting to have threesomes, i eventually caved and we started involving her friends and thats where temptation came in again, the friends we'd involved were more than willing to have a little one on one time and made it known then before long i was fucking all of them on a regular basis.

We split last year and i really didn't feel all that bad about it cause i found out she'd been fucking around plenty as well

 

[integritymatters]

part of it i found i just grew out of it the other personally biggest thing is will power to remove temptation.

In my 20s i avoided relationships because i wanted to fuck every woman i met, as i got older though i started getting better at avoiding it, my last relationship was a little shy of 4 yrs, i was 31 she was 9yrs younger and i was good for the first couple years, but my GF was younger, high sex drive, bisexual and started wanting to have threesomes, i eventually caved and we started involving her friends and thats where temptation came in again, the friends we'd involved were more than willing to have a little one on one time and made it known then before long i was fucking all of them on a regular basis.

We split last year and i really didn't feel all that bad about it cause i found out she'd been fucking around plenty as well

Very true.
And I had 2 breakups last year, too.
I started dating my current boyfriend directly after the second 2023 breakup - and I'm so glad I dropped the other two exes like a bad habit.

 

[8Cylinder]

I'm in a happy relationship now, but I'm constantly fighting the urge to cheat.

It was difficult to admit that I cheated in a few of my past relationships & had emotional affairs, long-distance & one in-person affair as well.
But I'm trying and trying to do the right thing.
To avoid cheating, I decided to be polyamorous in November 2018 (which is around the time I came out - who knew that coming out to my relative would be my biggest regret, but anyway).

Fast forward to January 2024, and I felt it was necessary to just be monogamous again, like I was in my early 20s (I'm 27 now & had been poly since I was 22 and had just left an abusive relationship).

After that, I still do - occasionally - fight the urge to cheat on my current boyfriend.
He is wonderful to me, but I don't know why it's still tempting all of a sudden.

Some stories that could possibly explain my past cheating:
1. In a "past life" (where I was the nerd with glasses, in school) I was very unattractive, was bullied, and basically threw myself at every girl and guy I had a crush on - I had no inhibitions and was brutally honest about it. One time, I even wrote a list of all the guys (and I think one or two girls) I had crushes on in school, and went around school showing it to all my friends (Why the HELL would I do something so stupid like that? Knowing I wanted to stay closeted? I was so stupid back then......)
Anyway, always being the nerd - by the time I got older - became something I resented; my family and friends used to tease me about it, and they take no accountability for how it made me feel - so I dropped the glasses and went from prep school clothes, to sweatpants and turtlenecks, but sometimes T-shirts and rarely polo shirts.
If I had known then, what I know now - especially about dating and desirability - I would have probably stayed single until I was 27; but news flash, I didn't.
I was a serial dater; by 2023, I'd dated more than 150 people (both men and women, but mostly men), and all of them were long-distance, except for four of them - two women (who both cut me out their lives) and two men (both of whom were abusive to me - I'm glad one of them stopped stalking me, in fact).

I also come from an abusive family dynamic & a huge family on both sides.
My siblings, basically "absentee siblings", were all born and raised overseas or in New England (I'm in New Jersey) and have never been active in my life - my mom admitted to me 2 years ago that my sister (who, at that time was 26 years old and I was a toddler of about 5) was jealous of me, since our dad moved to the US and my sister felt abandoned by him.

So her solution was to only visit America to speak to our dad, while always disrespecting me - I was visibly anorexic, and she not only skinny shamed me, she went as far as to say in 2005, "If you don't eat, you're going to get osteoporosis!"
Little things like that, always stuck with me - and I've since tried to reach out to my siblings, but they consistently ignore me.
Or my sister will go several years in and out my life - we stopped talking in 2012, spoke once in 2013 (she threatened me), and we never spoke again until 2017-18, and then she up and left again.

Having recently accepted that I have abandonment issues (obviously from my siblings), I felt it necessaruy to silently cut my siblings out my life; my eldest sister (the one I've been mentioning) is a 48 year old grandmother; I'm literally a 27 year old great-uncle who's only met two of his nephews, one time and briefly met my niece, but I'm sure she doesn't remember me.
The last time I even saw my sister was when our dad died in 2010, and she argued with my mother over his organ donation - my mom decided she wanted to do it, and my sister yelled at her, "WE (Bermudians) don't do that here!"
And my sister insisted our dad be buried in Bermuda - if I had a say in the matter (which, obviously she didn't want me to, since she sees me as her fourth son, despite us having different surnames) I would have insisted our dad be cremated and both my sister and I split his ashes.
He also died intestate, so my sister had him buried in Bermuda to spite my mother (who's her stepmother) and myself.

My parents were married for 16 years; my mother admitted she wasn't around, while her whole family basically defamed my father every chance they got - and they still do today, because they know I have no problem exposing them as liars - he was never abusive toward me, never cruel, and nothing like how they wanted me to perceive him.
My mother, however?
My mom and her shady family have god complexes - she said to one of my relatives years ago (about my sister taking me to Bermuda), "I don't want him going to Bermuda because she might abduct him!"
My mom met my sister when she was 19, in 1994; my mom was 31 - and my other sister was 3 years younger - and she's having delusions in the 2000s about my sister kidnapping me?
Who says that about their stepdaughter and their son?

Long story short, I moved out my mom's house 2 months ago, due to her constant abuse toward me.
She also had me falsely hospitalized and she drugged me; due to the drugging, I became addicted to pills for 7 years (all of this was done without my consent).
But looking back now, I presume my addiction stemmed from the abandonment from my siblings (and of course, them having zero empathy for me and not caring to even visit me, for 27 years) and to an extent, my mom's abusive behavior (which only got worse because I got sober in 2020; I'll be 4 years sober on March 17th in fact).
So due to my mom's abuse turning from medical abuse & verbal abuse (she'd start arguments with me on a daily basis) and progressing more recently into physical abuse (3 separate incidents of DV, which I previously spoke about on LPSG actually), I knew if I force myself to leave, that's the only way out.

It's been 2 months since I left, and I couldn't be happier.
Today, the new problem is me trying very hard to prevent myself from cheating, since I've been trying to turn my life around and cut my mom off permanently (which hasn't worked out so far).
I have a second job interview in the morning - for a marketing job - and it's my only way out of my rough situation (I literally have only $58 in my bank account) - so wish me luck!
In the last 3 months, every job I interviewed for, turned me down - until now.
I got this job to pay for my bus ticket to Nebraska, since my abuser refuses to help me move, but she's paying for my current apartment (and I had to get on government assistance, since she refused to help me, while I got back on my feet - and she's also mocked me for that too, while committing certain crimes - I will not say - for her personal & financial gain).


2. One of my exes, from Argentina - who I previously wrote about in 2022 on LPSG - basically exploited me.
We were friends for a year and a half, before we started dating on October 7, 2021.
He's a college student and lives on his own - but basically used me to achieve those goals.
In my day, we called that "gold digging" and "selling your soul", but I wouldn't quite say that's the case, despite the fact we did meet on OnlyFans (which is where we spoke, for the entirety of our relationship).

October 5, 2022 comes around and I was preparing to propose to him at the time; I woke up on Oct. 5th and found he had ghosted me.
So I was heartbroken and wrote a lengthy letter to him in November 2022 - to which, he only said, "I'm sorry, I was depressed", as the reason for him ghosting me (he'd also ghosted me, once before, for about 4 months).

A friend suggested he may have cheated on me - I don't know if he did or didn't, since we split up 2 years ago - and someone else suggested he was taking advantage of me financially, so I moved on.

And 2 1/2 years later, here I am, in a happy 10 month relationship with my current boyfriend.
So long story short, I do not want to mess anything up.

But also, I hope I was able to offer context.

Now - What do you think are some ways I could work on resisting the urge to cheat?
I haven't cheated, but I'm just trying to heal from my past and make sure I don't end up losing my boyfriend, who I definitely see a future with.
He's working on moving to the US to be with me, in fact - so I'm especially making sure to stay grounded.

I see a repetitive problem here that relates to your understandable marriage to your past.

When one experiences the serial trauma of those close to you betraying their normal family roles of love and affection, you came to not trust what you've never had... loving attention, loyalty, honesty, and other qualities that are positive, but previously not your normal. You feel uncomfortable that the other shoe will drop and these loving people will betray your trust, so you go out and get as much temporary affection as possible while avoiding the risk you see with connection to the one you wish you could trust and stay faithful to.

Seeing your need and vulnerability, you can easily be the target of abuse. In fact, you're drawn to this potential as subconsciously it feels like home to you, more than the home you may have with what you've always craved but never could achieve (according to you, not your partner).

If others cheated, perhaps they did so for their own reasons similar to yours.

The only fix for this is to cut the umbilical cord you still have attached that is feeding negative energy into you constantly. Consider the Buddhist premise that states correctly that the past is gone, and nothing can be done to change it, nor should you try, as it simply no longer exists. By looking back all the time, you trip over the present that you are not living in, and stumble and fall onto your face in the future. This is not just you, it is a concept that most get wrong.

Try to think, focus and concentrate on the absolute fact that ALL that exists is only this moment. What you do right now is what counts. Be happy in the right now, live where you are, and realize that every second you don't you have lost the opportunity to live. You're still quite young. Drop the past flat. Let others who are negative energy in your present be their own problem, not yours! Limit the encounters with your mother to potentially pleasant brief visits (go for tea or coffee somewhere she chooses for 30 minutes. As soon as she ruins the mood, politely tell her that you wish her well always, pay the bill and leave. She'll learn or stop trying to ruin you).

Consider telling your partner that due to trauma in your past you are insecure about losing them, and have feelings of wanting to run away before it happens and degrade your pleasure to something you know you don't have, and that you want his help and support to stay away from behavior you don't want. I think once you live only in the moment, being present only where you are there with him, things will change for you. Slowly. Like transforming into a muscle hulk at the gym, it requires determination, effort, dedication and vision. Visualize how you want to be and be that.

No more long story short... think and write only of your successes in the moment you are happy, and seek and live more of those.

 

[integritymatters]

I see a repetitive problem here that relates to your understandable marriage to your past.

When one experiences the serial trauma of those close to you betraying their normal family roles of love and affection, you came to not trust what you've never had... loving attention, loyalty, honesty, and other qualities that are positive, but previously not your normal. You feel uncomfortable that the other shoe will drop and these loving people will betray your trust, so you go out and get as much temporary affection as possible while avoiding the risk you see with connection to the one you wish you could trust and stay faithful to.

Seeing your need and vulnerability, you can easily be the target of abuse. In fact, you're drawn to this potential as subconsciously it feels like home to you, more than the home you may have with what you've always craved but never could achieve (according to you, not your partner).

If others cheated, perhaps they did so for their own reasons similar to yours.

The only fix for this is to cut the umbilical cord you still have attached that is feeding negative energy into you constantly. Consider the Buddhist premise that states correctly that the past is gone, and nothing can be done to change it, nor should you try, as it simply no longer exists. By looking back all the time, you trip over the present that you are not living in, and stumble and fall onto your face in the future. This is not just you, it is a concept that most get wrong.

Try to think, focus and concentrate on the absolute fact that ALL that exists is only this moment. What you do right now is what counts. Be happy in the right now, live where you are, and realize that every second you don't you have lost the opportunity to live. You're still quite young. Drop the past flat. Let others who are negative energy in your present be their own problem, not yours! Limit the encounters with your mother to potentially pleasant brief visits (go for tea or coffee somewhere she chooses for 30 minutes. As soon as she ruins the mood, politely tell her that you wish her well always, pay the bill and leave. She'll learn or stop trying to ruin you).

Consider telling your partner that due to trauma in your past you are insecure about losing them, and have feelings of wanting to run away before it happens and degrade your pleasure to something you know you don't have, and that you want his help and support to stay away from behavior you don't want. I think once you live only in the moment, being present only where you are there with him, things will change for you. Slowly. Like transforming into a muscle hulk at the gym, it requires determination, effort, dedication and vision. Visualize how you want to be and be that.

No more long story short... think and write only of your successes in the moment you are happy, and seek and live more of those.

Very, very true.
Although - my boyfriend lives overseas currently.
We've been dating for close to 1 year, so far - it'll be 1 year in May.
He's working on moving to the US to be with me - so we have that to look forward to.

 

[integritymatters]

I see a repetitive problem here that relates to your understandable marriage to your past.

When one experiences the serial trauma of those close to you betraying their normal family roles of love and affection, you came to not trust what you've never had... loving attention, loyalty, honesty, and other qualities that are positive, but previously not your normal. You feel uncomfortable that the other shoe will drop and these loving people will betray your trust, so you go out and get as much temporary affection as possible while avoiding the risk you see with connection to the one you wish you could trust and stay faithful to.

Seeing your need and vulnerability, you can easily be the target of abuse. In fact, you're drawn to this potential as subconsciously it feels like home to you, more than the home you may have with what you've always craved but never could achieve (according to you, not your partner).

If others cheated, perhaps they did so for their own reasons similar to yours.

The only fix for this is to cut the umbilical cord you still have attached that is feeding negative energy into you constantly. Consider the Buddhist premise that states correctly that the past is gone, and nothing can be done to change it, nor should you try, as it simply no longer exists. By looking back all the time, you trip over the present that you are not living in, and stumble and fall onto your face in the future. This is not just you, it is a concept that most get wrong.

Try to think, focus and concentrate on the absolute fact that ALL that exists is only this moment. What you do right now is what counts. Be happy in the right now, live where you are, and realize that every second you don't you have lost the opportunity to live. You're still quite young. Drop the past flat. Let others who are negative energy in your present be their own problem, not yours! Limit the encounters with your mother to potentially pleasant brief visits (go for tea or coffee somewhere she chooses for 30 minutes. As soon as she ruins the mood, politely tell her that you wish her well always, pay the bill and leave. She'll learn or stop trying to ruin you).

Consider telling your partner that due to trauma in your past you are insecure about losing them, and have feelings of wanting to run away before it happens and degrade your pleasure to something you know you don't have, and that you want his help and support to stay away from behavior you don't want. I think once you live only in the moment, being present only where you are there with him, things will change for you. Slowly. Like transforming into a muscle hulk at the gym, it requires determination, effort, dedication and vision. Visualize how you want to be and be that.

No more long story short... think and write only of your successes in the moment you are happy, and seek and live more of those.

I especially have to stay present because I've got a shady ex-boyfriend who's got my name in his mouth all the time.

He's like an angry father at a grocery store, who's baby won't stay still - except he's using a keyboard instead of a shopping cart.

I dumped him 7 months ago, thought about getting back with him and he replied by blocking me.
Now, I live in his head, rent free, on his last few social media posts.

So if you're not interested anymore, why is my name in your mouth?
You travel 7 days a week, but you refused to settle down.
And you refused to visit me.
You lost a pot of gold - me.

So.... After he blocked me in January, I decided to never give this 24 year old temper tantrum any of my attention.
I lost all respect for him.

I'm working on my second job interview this week, and my best friend is moving in with me soon.
I've got a new boyfriend too - who actually respects me, trusts me, and he wants to settle down with me (like real men do).

 

[8Cylinder]

I especially have to stay present because I've got a shady ex-boyfriend who's got my name in his mouth all the time.

He's like an angry father at a grocery store, who's baby won't stay still - except he's using a keyboard instead of a shopping cart.

I dumped him 7 months ago, thought about getting back with him and he replied by blocking me.
Now, I live in his head, rent free, on his last few social media posts.

So if you're not interested anymore, why is my name in your mouth?
You travel 7 days a week, but you refused to settle down.
And you refused to visit me.
You lost a pot of gold - me.

So.... After he blocked me in January, I decided to never give this 24 year old temper tantrum any of my attention.
I lost all respect for him.

I'm working on my second job interview this week, and my best friend is moving in with me soon.
I've got a new boyfriend too - who actually respects me, trusts me, and he wants to settle down with me (like real men do).

Good moves... but remember, the past is gone, it is history that does not define your life any longer. When the present moment arrives, disregard what no longer exists. Engaging with what does not exist is psychosis... let that be only on his part. His luggage, let him carry it. His actions are to trap you back in. Do not engage in any way. If you allow space in your head for him, that is eliminating space for your boyfriend, and is not fair.

Cut all ties to past, live only in the present moment. Allow only permanent fixtures in your life, and even then, devote time only to what brings you positive energy.

 

[integritymatters]

Good moves... but remember, the past is gone, it is history that does not define your life any longer. When the present moment arrives, disregard what no longer exists. Engaging with what does not exist is psychosis... let that be only on his part. His luggage, let him carry it. His actions are to trap you back in. Do not engage in any way. If you allow space in your head for him, that is eliminating space for your boyfriend, and is not fair.

Cut all ties to past, live only in the present moment. Allow only permanent fixtures in your life, and even then, devote time only to what brings you positive energy.

I know that.
I have a boyfriend living on the South China Sea to keep in touch with.
Priorities are everything to me.
Another thing - Childish & petty men are extremely unattractive to me.
I find immature men disgusting - I've dated quite a few and ran the other way when their true colors show.

 

[integritymatters]

Priority #1 - My man.
Priority #2 - I've got 2 job interviews to worry about.
Priority #3 - I'm trying to get back into my songwriting & pitching my music to artists to put an album together.

 

[sonny84]

Hello there.
Lots to unpack here man

I really suggest counselling and therapy. You are clinging onto the past and projecting that baggage into your present and dreaming of a faraway perfect future with "the one" ...and you're seeking "the one" online/at a distance.

You need to first learn to be with yourself before anyone else.

Just a thought.

Best you address these issues with a professional and not on LPSG

 

[chrisrobin]

I'm in a happy relationship now, but I'm constantly fighting the urge to cheat.

It was difficult to admit that I cheated in a few of my past relationships & had emotional affairs, long-distance & one in-person affair as well.
But I'm trying and trying to do the right thing.
To avoid cheating, I decided to be polyamorous in November 2018 (which is around the time I came out - who knew that coming out to my relative would be my biggest regret, but anyway).

Fast forward to January 2024, and I felt it was necessary to just be monogamous again, like I was in my early 20s (I'm 27 now & had been poly since I was 22 and had just left an abusive relationship).

After that, I still do - occasionally - fight the urge to cheat on my current boyfriend.
He is wonderful to me, but I don't know why it's still tempting all of a sudden.

Some stories that could possibly explain my past cheating:
1. In a "past life" (where I was the nerd with glasses, in school) I was very unattractive, was bullied, and basically threw myself at every girl and guy I had a crush on - I had no inhibitions and was brutally honest about it. One time, I even wrote a list of all the guys (and I think one or two girls) I had crushes on in school, and went around school showing it to all my friends (Why the HELL would I do something so stupid like that? Knowing I wanted to stay closeted? I was so stupid back then......)
Anyway, always being the nerd - by the time I got older - became something I resented; my family and friends used to tease me about it, and they take no accountability for how it made me feel - so I dropped the glasses and went from prep school clothes, to sweatpants and turtlenecks, but sometimes T-shirts and rarely polo shirts.
If I had known then, what I know now - especially about dating and desirability - I would have probably stayed single until I was 27; but news flash, I didn't.
I was a serial dater; by 2023, I'd dated more than 150 people (both men and women, but mostly men), and all of them were long-distance, except for four of them - two women (who both cut me out their lives) and two men (both of whom were abusive to me - I'm glad one of them stopped stalking me, in fact).

I also come from an abusive family dynamic & a huge family on both sides.
My siblings, basically "absentee siblings", were all born and raised overseas or in New England (I'm in New Jersey) and have never been active in my life - my mom admitted to me 2 years ago that my sister (who, at that time was 26 years old and I was a toddler of about 5) was jealous of me, since our dad moved to the US and my sister felt abandoned by him.

So her solution was to only visit America to speak to our dad, while always disrespecting me - I was visibly anorexic, and she not only skinny shamed me, she went as far as to say in 2005, "If you don't eat, you're going to get osteoporosis!"
Little things like that, always stuck with me - and I've since tried to reach out to my siblings, but they consistently ignore me.
Or my sister will go several years in and out my life - we stopped talking in 2012, spoke once in 2013 (she threatened me), and we never spoke again until 2017-18, and then she up and left again.

Having recently accepted that I have abandonment issues (obviously from my siblings), I felt it necessaruy to silently cut my siblings out my life; my eldest sister (the one I've been mentioning) is a 48 year old grandmother; I'm literally a 27 year old great-uncle who's only met two of his nephews, one time and briefly met my niece, but I'm sure she doesn't remember me.
The last time I even saw my sister was when our dad died in 2010, and she argued with my mother over his organ donation - my mom decided she wanted to do it, and my sister yelled at her, "WE (Bermudians) don't do that here!"
And my sister insisted our dad be buried in Bermuda - if I had a say in the matter (which, obviously she didn't want me to, since she sees me as her fourth son, despite us having different surnames) I would have insisted our dad be cremated and both my sister and I split his ashes.
He also died intestate, so my sister had him buried in Bermuda to spite my mother (who's her stepmother) and myself.

My parents were married for 16 years; my mother admitted she wasn't around, while her whole family basically defamed my father every chance they got - and they still do today, because they know I have no problem exposing them as liars - he was never abusive toward me, never cruel, and nothing like how they wanted me to perceive him.
My mother, however?
My mom and her shady family have god complexes - she said to one of my relatives years ago (about my sister taking me to Bermuda), "I don't want him going to Bermuda because she might abduct him!"
My mom met my sister when she was 19, in 1994; my mom was 31 - and my other sister was 3 years younger - and she's having delusions in the 2000s about my sister kidnapping me?
Who says that about their stepdaughter and their son?

Long story short, I moved out my mom's house 2 months ago, due to her constant abuse toward me.
She also had me falsely hospitalized and she drugged me; due to the drugging, I became addicted to pills for 7 years (all of this was done without my consent).
But looking back now, I presume my addiction stemmed from the abandonment from my siblings (and of course, them having zero empathy for me and not caring to even visit me, for 27 years) and to an extent, my mom's abusive behavior (which only got worse because I got sober in 2020; I'll be 4 years sober on March 17th in fact).
So due to my mom's abuse turning from medical abuse & verbal abuse (she'd start arguments with me on a daily basis) and progressing more recently into physical abuse (3 separate incidents of DV, which I previously spoke about on LPSG actually), I knew if I force myself to leave, that's the only way out.

It's been 2 months since I left, and I couldn't be happier.
Today, the new problem is me trying very hard to prevent myself from cheating, since I've been trying to turn my life around and cut my mom off permanently (which hasn't worked out so far).
I have a second job interview in the morning - for a marketing job - and it's my only way out of my rough situation (I literally have only $58 in my bank account) - so wish me luck!
In the last 3 months, every job I interviewed for, turned me down - until now.
I got this job to pay for my bus ticket to Nebraska, since my abuser refuses to help me move, but she's paying for my current apartment (and I had to get on government assistance, since she refused to help me, while I got back on my feet - and she's also mocked me for that too, while committing certain crimes - I will not say - for her personal & financial gain).


2. One of my exes, from Argentina - who I previously wrote about in 2022 on LPSG - basically exploited me.
We were friends for a year and a half, before we started dating on October 7, 2021.
He's a college student and lives on his own - but basically used me to achieve those goals.
In my day, we called that "gold digging" and "selling your soul", but I wouldn't quite say that's the case, despite the fact we did meet on OnlyFans (which is where we spoke, for the entirety of our relationship).

October 5, 2022 comes around and I was preparing to propose to him at the time; I woke up on Oct. 5th and found he had ghosted me.
So I was heartbroken and wrote a lengthy letter to him in November 2022 - to which, he only said, "I'm sorry, I was depressed", as the reason for him ghosting me (he'd also ghosted me, once before, for about 4 months).

A friend suggested he may have cheated on me - I don't know if he did or didn't, since we split up 2 years ago - and someone else suggested he was taking advantage of me financially, so I moved on.

And 2 1/2 years later, here I am, in a happy 10 month relationship with my current boyfriend.
So long story short, I do not want to mess anything up.

But also, I hope I was able to offer context.

Now - What do you think are some ways I could work on resisting the urge to cheat?
I haven't cheated, but I'm just trying to heal from my past and make sure I don't end up losing my boyfriend, who I definitely see a future with.
He's working on moving to the US to be with me, in fact - so I'm especially making sure to stay grounded.

Remember that if you cheat and get found out it can be painful - and if he cheats and you find out....

 

[integritymatters]

Remember that if you cheat and get found out it can be painful - and if he cheats and you find out....

I know.
What goes around, comes around and eye for an eye.
So I'm staying faithful.

 

[Rutherruther]

I find maturity, control, recovering from trauma does not coincide with age. I suppose you must take a self aware tough on crime- objective approach towards what you could call your treatment. I would recommend decisive action, non-lackadaisical, non passive action. Let's put it this way. Life isn't a cheap game, it's not worth a cheap thrill or for you to piss about. You've had more than enough, more than some others. You've had a "good run", indulged, give it a rest. hang up the past. I suggest you, having compiled a comprehensive past it would be logical to see a professional. Why? Because they know how to keep you accountable, work with you constructively. Let's put it this way, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde- you need someone in the know who can dissuade and work with you on healing from those past hurts and traumas, negative lashing out or behaviors. You need someone that can call you out and work with you who cannot be manipulated or let you rationalize everything away. It is good you are looking outside of yourself on what to do, don't get cold feet or half ass it. Jump into betterment, and prevention. Charge towards breaking the vicious cycle. Front towards enemy, not let things go unmitigated and be at your own expense or have someone be at your expense. Your job is to identify, recognize, work on it and stop for good. There's lust and then there's love. There's heart and substance, then there's garbage. Your job is the straight and narrow, not being capable of skulking or being vulnerable to a slip up. There's no justification for a cheap thrill. Handle yourself, this isn't high school or college, Drop it. By that I mean, the cheating ends, and you make a valiant effort never to again. The world hurts us, the world is unfair, try not being like that. You have compassion and sympathy, but what you do with your trauma and hurts matters. Your narrative matters, not just the one others know of you but the one you actually live. The buck stops with you. No life in the shadows, live you that doesn't require hiding, etc. Serialize not cheating. Your past doesn't have to define a negative future or narrative. Take steps to reform, prevent and strengthen your resolve. I think a professional can help you get past a lot and do a lot of fine tuning, etc. Don't be afraid of making some meaningful paradigm shifts. Do not shy away from making things steadfast, sturdy, reliable, a better legacy.

 

[integritymatters]

I find maturity, control, recovering from trauma does not coincide with age. I suppose you must take a self aware tough on crime- objective approach towards what you could call your treatment. I would recommend decisive action, non-lackadaisical, non passive action. Let's put it this way. Life isn't a cheap game, it's not worth a cheap thrill or for you to piss about. You've had more than enough, more than some others. You've had a "good run", indulged, give it a rest. hang up the past. I suggest you, having compiled a comprehensive past it would be logical to see a professional. Why? Because they know how to keep you accountable, work with you constructively. Let's put it this way, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde- you need someone in the know who can dissuade and work with you on healing from those past hurts and traumas, negative lashing out or behaviors. You need someone that can call you out and work with you who cannot be manipulated or let you rationalize everything away. It is good you are looking outside of yourself on what to do, don't get cold feet or half ass it. Jump into betterment, and prevention. Charge towards breaking the vicious cycle. Front towards enemy, not let things go unmitigated and be at your own expense or have someone be at your expense. Your job is to identify, recognize, work on it and stop for good. There's lust and then there's love. There's heart and substance, then there's garbage. Your job is the straight and narrow, not being capable of skulking or being vulnerable to a slip up. There's no justification for a cheap thrill. Handle yourself, this isn't high school or college, Drop it. By that I mean, the cheating ends, and you make a valiant effort never to again. The world hurts us, the world is unfair, try not being like that. You have compassion and sympathy, but what you do with your trauma and hurts matters. Your narrative matters, not just the one others know of you but the one you actually live. The buck stops with you. No life in the shadows, live you that doesn't require hiding, etc. Serialize not cheating. Your past doesn't have to define a negative future or narrative. Take steps to reform, prevent and strengthen your resolve. I think a professional can help you get past a lot and do a lot of fine tuning, etc. Don't be afraid of making some meaningful paradigm shifts. Do not shy away from making things steadfast, sturdy, reliable, a better legacy.

I 100% agree.
I'm starting my new travel agent job as well, so that's another good thing to do.
I've had a travel license for 2 years now, so I got my old job back.
So here's to a new beginning, in the right direction.

 

[FrankieGuile]

I'm constantly fighting the urge to smoke, but I don't smoke. There is nothing remarkable about having an urge to do something we find pleasurable, but destructive. What is remarkable is not doing those things. Your long post seems to be filled with excuses for yielding to your more base instincts, as if those challenges are unique. Those challenges, and the reasons to give in to the challenge, do not differentiate us. What differentiates us, in this regard, is that some of us simply deny ourselves because we have the humility to do so, and others pamper themselves because they feel entitled.

 

[roux87]

Friend, you need to get yourself some therapy. You’re in a repetitive (understandable) pattern of behaviour that stems from childhood/family/trauma. Your definition of all these relationships when it sounds like you haven’t even met a lot of them and they can still exploit you is not ok. You’re also seeking in others what your nurture circle (family) couldn’t give you. Safety, love, security. So you’re looking for it in just about any place. You’re constantly seeking validation outside of yourself which is why you have the tendency to cheat. You have an extremely disruptive attachment style and imagine a big part of the validation comes in the physical because it means people want you. It also means you have a lack of boundaries which makes it dangerous - for you because you then find yourself in abusive situations - and for others because you hurt people as a bi product. Hurt people, tend to hurt people.

Find a therapist and get the tools and the knowledge to undo so much of the harm that’s been done to you, so you can stop doing it to others.

There’s a podcast called Do The Work. Start there it might give you good direction.

Your life can change, you just have to do the work. Good luck.

 

[Rutherruther]

I want to wish you the very best in everything good that you do. What you do is a legacy of sorts, however grant, subtle, sometimes recognized, sometimes without. But, one day, you'd like to look back, or after you have passed, you'd want to have represented; integrity and honor above all else. Meritorious sentiments, kind sentiments, you'd want a good story of redemption or an underdog winning, you'd want people to think that was one swell guy. While some of us are not destined to cure cancer or be a billionaire philanthropist, even the smaller scale things for ourselves and for those who love us, or for those who we love or care about- doing right by ourselves and others- there's a nobility in that.

While I, myself may die having accomplished short of what I wish I was, people will remember what I stood for, what I believed philosophically. I think when you're growing up, as soon as you're born- you look towards others to reflect what is noble and can be within yourself. You look towards others for examples of human decency, kindness, honor, humility, affection, tenderness, acceptance, example of what to be.

That being said, as we look towards others of what is noble, sometimes we can see the less desirable examples of human endeavor. Sometimes people provide the wrong example, sometimes things can become normalized that shouldn't, sometimes we cope how we shouldn't, act out like we shouldn't. Sometimes we hurt when we ourselves have been hurt. Having been born with a clean slate, being 100 percent innocent, we sure can muck it up a bit. A goal would be to rise above the poor examples of what others were, what other did to us. Some people might have had a drunken father and would break the cycle and be a very functional sober father. Where there has been fault, betrayal, hurt done to you by others, you can aspire to embody better ideals and examples of being. This happened to me, maybe I shouldn't repeat that. That person was really kind and nurturing- that- is how I want to be. Despite your hurts and traumas, you could very well Batman it, become stronger, more resilient, grounded. You could become a pillar of strength. You could make leaps and bounds.

As it is natural to look around and outwardly at what and who you can be as we age, I hope you'll be humbly proud of the person you want to be and where others fell short you strived to do better. Not out of one-upmanship but because it was right for you and by interacting with you right for many others who made your acquaintance, friendship, and cherished relationships. Don't be afraid or feel vulnerable to how good you can be. Take every license to be the best of yourself. The best revenge- is living well. But in this case, not just "revenge" but the best life- is living well. Humans, we can be very destructive, very self destructive, self sabotaging, shying away from feeling vulnerable. I would encourage you to feel empowered when it comes to what your life narrative can be. What your legacy can be. The impressions people have of you when you're living, and the memories people have after. The feeling of accomplishment and pride of self at who you let yourself become and do.

It would be my fervent hope that, you would do right by your inner child. Metaphorically or psychologically we all had these childlike hopes and ambitions of what we wanted to be when we grew up, ideals. By no means do you have to become an astronaut eating ice cream on Mars, but you would want to be able to say, I did something wrong- but I made sure I got passed it. I had a rough start- but I'm proud of who I am.

Do right by yourself, honor yourself. None of us will be perfect, I know I'm not. But when it comes to your loyalty, your kindness, honor, integrity- we want those to shine and get top marks. We want those to be cornerstones and integral to your personal happiness and byproduct happiness to those in your life.

When we're kids, teens, and young adults, even extending into adulthood and beyond, we can be very... about ourselves. All about me. Usually as we age and broaden we soon learn- it's not all about 'us'.

People look to one another, to reflect what is noble and can be within themselves. Sometimes people look and find the wrong examples obviously. Buuut... Ideally life not just being about you- you want to be a standup person, of good character. I think when we indulge only in ourselves. You can feel a little dissatisfaction. Social happiness counts. True social happiness. I have seen people fooling themselves with fake happiness. There are fundamental happy fond memories, and usually they're social. Call it a play on words, but they're unadulterated by fake happiness. There are good pursuits of happiness, and then there are bad. My fondest memories, my happiest memories are social, and sober, innocent.

Don't be afraid of the good you can be. See what is truly worthwhile happiness vs what is nonsense. Be purposeful and intent on who you want to be. You have a duty to yourself and others. Keep your intentions good. There's merit whether it's pronounced or not in trying to keep as clean of a slate as possible. Best of luck!

 

[integritymatters]

Friend, you need to get yourself some therapy. You’re in a repetitive (understandable) pattern of behaviour that stems from childhood/family/trauma. Your definition of all these relationships when it sounds like you haven’t even met a lot of them and they can still exploit you is not ok. You’re also seeking in others what your nurture circle (family) couldn’t give you. Safety, love, security. So you’re looking for it in just about any place. You’re constantly seeking validation outside of yourself which is why you have the tendency to cheat. You have an extremely disruptive attachment style and imagine a big part of the validation comes in the physical because it means people want you. It also means you have a lack of boundaries which makes it dangerous - for you because you then find yourself in abusive situations - and for others because you hurt people as a bi product. Hurt people, tend to hurt people.

Find a therapist and get the tools and the knowledge to undo so much of the harm that’s been done to you, so you can stop doing it to others.

There’s a podcast called Do The Work. Start there it might give you good direction.

Your life can change, you just have to do the work. Good luck.

For starters, I've been in a relationship for 1 year and have not cheated.
I'm in a healthy relationship.
Second, the past is the past - Nobody exploits me anymore because I keep a small circle of trustworthy friends who are loyal to me.

Third - All of what you said was true years ago. I'm a different person now. That was then, this is now.
Fourth, I was in therapy for 10 years - it didn't work out. I just decided traditional therapy doesn't work for me, so I decided to focus on changing my situation and improving in that way.
I moved out 3 months ago, got my old job back, and my best friend lives with me - I took her in since she's had a hard time (her ex died and she's going through it).

So there's nobody exploiting me anymore, and I changed my circumstances.
I'm the male role model I never had when I was coming up.
I had to learn to stop talking about the past, because it holds no weight on my life in the present day.
Letting things go includes my past - I'm 10 times better now, since I stopped bringing the past into my current relationship.

And - as I said before - I haven't cheated in such a long time; I wouldn't even think of doing that anymore.
Cheating is childish, deplorable, and extremely immoral - so it's simple; I only speak to my boyfriend and no other men, and I have too much else going on, so that keeps me busy and focused on the future.
I still focus on my new job, upkeeping my apartment, and in my spare time - my songwriting, my poetry, and my genealogical research (which opened a whole new world for me).

 

[hihi121212]

Wow

 

[bombay2018]

Wait so is it normal to get the urge to cheat, but have enough self control to not? I’m in a similar situation to OP as in I’m in a committed relationship of about 8 months, but I find myself looking at other people and wanting to give in. I feel like I’ve been told my entire life that when you find “the one” you won’t ever want anyone else. The guy I’m with is so crazy good to me and I feel so guilty of having these feelings sometimes. It makes me doubt if my feelings for him are true.

Also OP- aren’t your relationships all online by the sounds? I don’t want to say cheating on an E-boyfriend isn’t bad, but maybe that’s part of your problem? I don’t think I could ever really view E-dating as a committed relationship. In reality it’s just not the same.