What to do about fantasies your partner isn’t interested in?

[_mfrankb_]

Would love to hear from you all how you deal with sexual fantasies you have that your partner is not interested in. I would love especially to hear from folks in committed, long term relationships.

I have a bunch of fantasies about including other people into our sex lives. My wife has made it clear that she is not interested in that, and I am at a loss about how to handle it. I think about it a lot.

 

[lapdog2001]

Would love to hear from you all how you deal with sexual fantasies you have that your partner is not interested in. I would love especially to hear from folks in committed, long term relationships.

I have a bunch of fantasies about including other people into our sex lives. My wife has made it clear that she is not interested in that, and I am at a loss about how to handle it. I think about it a lot.

The simplest answer is to realize that you will not be fulfilling that fantasy! In a previous multi-year relationship, my girlfriend was adventurous in bed, and we sometimes talked about some of the stuff she done before she met me (threesome, group sex, lesbian experimentation) but when I suggested a threesome or maybe a swingers club she had no interest. She loved our sex together and that was now good enough for her. It was also good enough for me as we had great sex together.

In my current long-term relationship with my wife, she had a straightforward sex life in her previous relationships. She has absolutely no interest in sharing me in any way. I'm okay with that as I love her and we have a great sex life.

Having an open relationship or marriage is something you probably should have talked about long ago, but in any case, if she's not interested, then drop it and enjoy her.

 

[_mfrankb_]

The simplest answer is to realize that you will not be fulfilling that fantasy! In a previous multi-year relationship, my girlfriend was adventurous in bed, and we sometimes talked about some of the stuff she done before she met me (threesome, group sex, lesbian experimentation) but when I suggested a threesome or maybe a swingers club she had no interest. She loved our sex together and that was now good enough for her. It was also good enough for me as we had great sex together.

In my current long-term relationship with my wife, she had a straightforward sex life in her previous relationships. She has absolutely no interest in sharing me in any way. I'm okay with that as I love her and we have a great sex life.

Having an open relationship or marriage is something you probably should have talked about long ago, but in any case, if she's not interested, then drop it and enjoy her.

Thanks for the advice. We have had conversations about it off and on over the years we’ve been together. She grew up very conservative, but has opened up about many things over the years - but not in this particular area.

Anyone else have any thoughts? Or maybe ideas for alternative activities that might fulfill the fantasy without actually involving anyone else.

 

[lapdog2001]

Thanks for the advice. We have had conversations about it off and on over the years we’ve been together. She grew up very conservative, but has opened up about many things over the years - but not in this particular area.

Anyone else have any thoughts? Or maybe ideas for alternative activities that might fulfill the fantasy without actually involving anyone else.

One way some couples have "other people" in their relationship is via role play, i.e. French Maid & Rich man, Cheerleader & Quarterback, etc. Maybe she would be open to something like that?

 

[elklindoxxx]

Would love to hear from you all how you deal with sexual fantasies you have that your partner is not interested in. I would love especially to hear from folks in committed, long term relationships.

I have a bunch of fantasies about including other people into our sex lives. My wife has made it clear that she is not interested in that, and I am at a loss about how to handle it. I think about it a lot.

All of us have boundaries and we have to respect other people's boundaries. My partner has boundaries and I respect them. I'm not going to pressure or cajole her into doing something that she doesn't want to do. So you just have to live it.

That said, my partner and I live the lifestyle. It's not for everybody. I would tell you in general this activity IS NOT for people who are insecure or who have communication problems in their relationship. So it takes a lot of trust for it to really work.

 

[Blade-Blanco]

This really strikes home as my wife is a sexual assault survivor. I think there was a time as a coping mechanism she did more. As she healed seems much more conservative. I've talked about watching other couples, maybe involving another man, or going to a clothing optional resort/campground. I really think it is feeling safe for her. Her first response is typically that I want to sleep with other women. Fuck, if I wanted to sleep with other women then I would be sleeping with other women. Don't get me wrong, we did it on a ATV, public campground picnic table, back of the truck bed on a fire road, parking lot, in the woods. Never with anyone watching or for sure watching.

As others mentioned, maid outfits, red sexy outfits, toys, etc.

 

[Evenflow618]

Stay single is the only way

 

[merc41]

My wife is very conservative ( vanilla ) also and it is causing problems. She is happy with the same old, same old routine. It's boring and she refuses to try new things. Some things she has said no to: light bondage,blind folding , pegging or strap on, g spot play, ass play,face sitting, lingerie of any type, sex multiple rimes in a day.,.or days in a row, fem dom. new toy s, etc.,etc. Get the idea

 

[_mfrankb_]

Thanks for the replies everyone. Nice to have some practical tips, and to know I am not alone in struggling with this.

 

[Alex22876]

Thanks for the advice. We have had conversations about it off and on over the years we’ve been together. She grew up very conservative, but has opened up about many things over the years - but not in this particular area.

Anyone else have any thoughts? Or maybe ideas for alternative activities that might fulfill the fantasy without actually involving anyone else.

It sounds like most of us (despite all the stories that swingers are everywhere!) have similar situations with our partners.

I think an important thing to consider is the term fantasy. It is still ok to fantasize about something and not do it or pursue it. If you make your partner comfortable in that clearly defined aspect, perhaps she won’t be as shut down.

For example, I am into exhibitionism and group, specifically MFM. Prior to our relationship, I had several intense and enjoyable experiences doing MFM. I was always brought in as the bull/stunt cock and never experienced the playing the partner role, but the overall dynamic still feels hot. My wife is not into it. We watch porn a couple times a month and every couple times of those sessions, I will say something like, “I want to watch some hard fucking or intense sex,” and I will pull up a hot mfm scene. Even when we are watching a normal couple scene, I will whisper something to the effect of she likes his cock or would love to be sucking his cock instead of her. I am not super jealous about that stuff, so it plays off. Additionally, there are times (less frequently) that I pull out a toy and double team her with the dildo, usually her sucking it while I fuck her. These are activities of just her and I that we share alone. Completely different than saying something like, “I heard Tom and Jane are swingers. She is so hot. We should have them over!” That can be far more intimidating and challenges to her role as your partner.

I write all this with the (internally justified) thought that my kink isn’t that weird. If you are into bukakke or fecal or more aggressive stuff, the dynamics might be too far apart

 

[_mfrankb_]

It sounds like most of us (despite all the stories that swingers are everywhere!) have similar situations with our partners.

I think an important thing to consider is the term fantasy. It is still ok to fantasize about something and not do it or pursue it. If you make your partner comfortable in that clearly defined aspect, perhaps she won’t be as shut down.

For example, I am into exhibitionism and group, specifically MFM. Prior to our relationship, I had several intense and enjoyable experiences doing MFM. I was always brought in as the bull/stunt cock and never experienced the playing the partner role, but the overall dynamic still feels hot. My wife is not into it. We watch porn a couple times a month and every couple times of those sessions, I will say something like, “I want to watch some hard fucking or intense sex,” and I will pull up a hot mfm scene. Even when we are watching a normal couple scene, I will whisper something to the effect of she likes his cock or would love to be sucking his cock instead of her. I am not super jealous about that stuff, so it plays off. Additionally, there are times (less frequently) that I pull out a toy and double team her with the dildo, usually her sucking it while I fuck her. These are activities of just her and I that we share alone. Completely different than saying something like, “I heard Tom and Jane are swingers. She is so hot. We should have them over!” That can be far more intimidating and challenges to her role as your partner.

I write all this with the (internally justified) thought that my kink isn’t that weird. If you are into bukakke or fecal or more aggressive stuff, the dynamics might be too far apart

Thanks. My fantasies are varied, but relatively tame I think. I’d like to watch her with another partner, male or female. I’d like to include one or two additional people, again could be male or female.

 

[marriedasian]

You do nothing and move on, period, done, end of story.

Let me inverse it for you... let's say your wife came to you one day and said she would totally get off by having you lay down and her taking a shit on your face while rubbing herself... would you go along with that?... well, that's probably how she feels when you inquire about your fantasy.

Point is, it's "your" fantasy; not hers. Projecting your self-interest onto her is unfair and selfish. Some of us are lucky enough to have partners whom are willing to entertain our selfish fantasies however, for the rest of the normal people, that is not the case.

You can continue to coax her and perhaps she will come around however you may regret opening pandora's box. Here's my response to another thread that is kinda like yours -- Wanting to see my girl with a bigger man

 

[_mfrankb_]

To be clear, I haven‘t asked my wife about this in a long time - and don’t expect her to ever do anything to fulfill the fantasy. My question is really more about how to cope with unfulfilled fantasies.

 

[RaskaYu]

We used to be polyamorous at the very begining of the relationship but decided to keep to ourselves as our relationship was too special to risk it.

Wouldnt mind inviting and fucking the brains out of some our very beautiful friends, though.

Let's see. Threesomes have been commented in the past so who knows.

 

[WhiteG0DeadeR]

Seek what you want else where. You still have the right to enjoy your fantasies even if its not with your partner.

 

[Sagittarius84]

Would love to hear from you all how you deal with sexual fantasies you have that your partner is not interested in. I would love especially to hear from folks in committed, long term relationships.

I have a bunch of fantasies about including other people into our sex lives. My wife has made it clear that she is not interested in that, and I am at a loss about how to handle it. I think about it a lot.

I think your situation, as frustrating as it can be, is really best case scenario; your wife has made it clear what she is or is not interested in, so now it falls soley upon you to either contain your fantasy, or seek out a different partner that is responsive to it.
I think the real struggle for a lot of heterosexual men, is that prior to a title or exclusivity being established, many women will over exaggerate their openness to fulfilling a man's fantasies, and the man will commit himself to her partly because of that option being made available, only for her to rescind or conveniently forget her willingness once he is locked in.
Case in point, every single girl/woman I've ever been involved with casually, current wife included, prior to me even making a suggestion, has made it clear they would be open to, or would like another girl involved sexually...right up until we made the relationship official.

 

[RaskaYu]

You guys ever watched 9½ Weeks? Because the ending is a bit like this.

 

[RedDevilCock]

LTR and says no. #1 live with it #2 divorce
#3 looks for other ways to live out those fantasies.
I lived out many before getting into a couple of LTRa

 

[Sagittarius84]

Let me inverse it for you... let's say your wife came to you one day and said she would totally get off by having you lay down and her taking a shit on your face while rubbing herself... would you go along with that?... well, that's probably how she feels when you inquire about your fantasy.

I love this example because without context it's very logically sound, the problem is, with context, specifically that of heterosexual men wanting to enact sexual fantasies with their significant other, on a balance of probability I think a lot of heterosexual men, moreso than women, would begrudgingly endure that face fudging if it meant a fantasy of theirs(one decidedly less shitty) would be granted as well.
Also women tend to get social reinforcement when it comes to fulfilling their fantasies within a marriage that men don't get. Short of indulging in coprophilia(?) a husband that is unwilling to fulfill a woman's fantasies, up to and often including some sort of polyamorous request, is often referred to as closed minded or non reciprocal, specifically because I think there's an idea that the (purported) guaranteed sexual access afforded to men in marriage is somehow a fantasy fulfillment of ours.
It also doesn't help that women get a lot more grace in not divulging their sexual fantasies before marriage, wherein men can really only get sympathy if they made their fantasies known beforehand.

 

[RaskaYu]

Or you could invest in communication and closeness and try to elegantly put into words why your fantasy is so appealing, and even "sell" the idea subtly.

I.e. you are into cuckold stuff and you gift her a copy of "Lady Chatterley's Lover".

Wouldnt get my hopes up, though... also helps if the fantasy is still in the realm of vanilla and not into extreme weird kinks.