Where do you stand with open relationships or cheating?

[TheEasyA]

I’m curious where everyone stands on the topic of open relationships and/or cheating. I had a potential partner who revealed to me they don’t think cheating is serious and that having sex with other random people while in a committed relationship isn’t cheating. And when I tried to say that I prefer monogamy, they said it’s cheating even if I ogle someone in a restaurant then. That urges to have sex are natural and should be followed through. He says sex functions differently than sex. And now I feel completely torn down. I respected his opinions but he completely attacked my concept of a relationship. Am I the one gay man that wants monogamy?

 

[saclove]

I’m curious where everyone stands on the topic of open relationships and/or cheating. I had a potential partner who revealed to me they don’t think cheating is serious and that having sex with other random people while in a committed relationship isn’t cheating. And when I tried to say that I prefer monogamy, they said it’s cheating even if I ogle someone in a restaurant then. That urges to have sex are natural and should be followed through. He says sex functions differently than sex. And now I feel completely torn down. I respected his opinions but he completely attacked my concept of a relationship. Am I the one gay man that wants monogamy?

I think if you are in a committed relationship and the natural urge to have sex happens it should be followed through...with the person you are committed to, not with anyone that comes along. That "potential partner" is not the only person that has that view on a relationship. It's difficult to find anyone in this world that can remain committed to only one person...what a shame that is.

 

[Intellectualmeat]

I’m curious where everyone stands on the topic of open relationships and/or cheating. I had a potential partner who revealed to me they don’t think cheating is serious and that having sex with other random people while in a committed relationship isn’t cheating. And when I tried to say that I prefer monogamy, they said it’s cheating even if I ogle someone in a restaurant then. That urges to have sex are natural and should be followed through. He says sex functions differently than sex. And now I feel completely torn down. I respected his opinions but he completely attacked my concept of a relationship. Am I the one gay man that wants monogamy?

That potential partner sounds like a manipulative asshole who bends everything to fit his preferred worldview. I would run from that person as fast as I could.

 

[lapdog2001]

If both partners agree to an open relationship and/or marriage, then it is okay to 'cheat' with others, otherwise it is just cheating. If you are in a casual relationship with the understanding that you will see others, then that's really not cheating, but it must be mutually agreed upon and understood.

That guy is an asshole and a narcissist, think only of themselves and what they think must be the truth.

 

[deleted18388141]

Some people think that monogamy isn t for them!
i don t have another concept: for me love is between two people.. and monogamy is the only way
i have been 15 years with my partner
i did have an adventure once that I regreted the minute i was kissed but i was super pissed off and stupidly young back then!
i regret it till now and i don t understand how stupid i was and how low i went!

 

[AceWilde]

Whoever told you that about open relationships was not actually pitching you on an open relationship. First of all, if the two people in the relationship haven't agreed to anything outside of monogamy, then it is very much cheating. If it is hidden, it is cheating. As someone who has been happily open for a while now, an open relationship is nothing like that. It is built on agreement, trust, commitment, and communication. That person is talking about sleeping around with the benefit of a guaranteed fuck if he strikes out.

 

[thongboy]

My gf and I are both bi, and we have accepted that we will both have open relationships. She has a close girlfriend, and I have two fuck buddies, one bi and vers like myself, the other a gay bottom. I think it's having secrets that can damage a relationship, but this isn't a problem for us.
We also like three-way action especially MMFs where my bi buddy hooks up with us a lot of the time. She loves being worked over by both of us at the same time. She's also turned on watching me and a buddy make out — that's when she gets out her favourite Rabbit. She wants the vibrating shaft in her own pussy while she watches me slide balls deep into my buddy's ass.

 

[palakaorion]

GF and agree that the only acceptable response to stepping outside the relationship for sex is "pack yo shit."

 

[Wonderland1989]

I am previously married. I haven't in a committed relationship since then as I am not ready. I would consider myself as ENM as I date more than one woman and I am open that I am not committed.

 

[chpoof]

I’m curious where everyone stands on the topic of open relationships and/or cheating. I had a potential partner who revealed to me they don’t think cheating is serious and that having sex with other random people while in a committed relationship isn’t cheating. And when I tried to say that I prefer monogamy, they said it’s cheating even if I ogle someone in a restaurant then. That urges to have sex are natural and should be followed through.

I strongly disagree with your potential partner. I believe being committed to one person includes sexual fidelity to that one person. And no, checking out someone else is not the same as cheating. Just because you're in a committed relationship doesn't mean you're blind. It's the following through part that would be cheating, especially if it's done behind your partner's back.

Am I the one gay man that wants monogamy?

Absolutely not! My husband and I have been in a happy monogamous relationship for over 27 years. Do we have challenges? Sure. Do we check out other guys? Sure. Saw a hot guy with killer legs and a great ass during lunch today, in fact. (We both ogled him.) But when it comes to actual sex, he's the only one I want.

 

[TheEasyA]

Wow, thank you guys for the replies. They’re super helpful. I thought maybe I was being blindsided by what this potential partner thought. The thing is, he’s a really close friend. We’ve fooled around. Spent countless days in a row together. Just one of those buddies. But i think it also helps to see that some of you think his actions are manipulative because I’ve always had this thought. Not just with this. But I’ve never really had a chance to think it through or talk it through. So thanks!

 

[WhatNow22]

I have two fuck buddies, one bi and vers like myself, the other a gay bottom.

Would you tell us more? Are they in relationships? Do you have a schedule? Etc?

 

[notthatguy]

I will never be with anyone who is in a relationship. My moral compass will not allow it.

 

[Andrej_u]

I’m curious where everyone stands on the topic of open relationships and/or cheating. I had a potential partner who revealed to me they don’t think cheating is serious and that having sex with other random people while in a committed relationship isn’t cheating. And when I tried to say that I prefer monogamy, they said it’s cheating even if I ogle someone in a restaurant then. That urges to have sex are natural and should be followed through. He says sex functions differently than sex. And now I feel completely torn down. I respected his opinions but he completely attacked my concept of a relationship. Am I the one gay man that wants monogamy?

This is how he views sex and love, and it's a perfectly respectable opinion.
What is not fine, though, is that he's trying to make it look like a general truth valid for everybody, and not just his personal view.

I am totally not monogamous. If a guy I'm interested in told me that he prefers monogamy... I'd probably conclude that we're not a match, but I'd never tell him that he's wrong, or that his preference isn't valid or respectable. It's just different.

Having said that, you have to ask yourself and balance whether your feeling for him is strong enough to accept his polygamy.

I strongly disagree with your potential partner. I believe being committed to one person includes sexual fidelity to that one person. And no, checking out someone else is not the same as cheating. Just because you're in a committed relationship doesn't mean you're blind. It's the following through part that would be cheating, especially if it's done behind your partner's back.



Absolutely not! My husband and I have been in a happy monogamous relationship for over 27 years. Do we have challenges? Sure. Do we check out other guys? Sure. Saw a hot guy with killer legs and a great ass during lunch today, in fact. (We both ogled him.) But when it comes to actual sex, he's the only one I want.

I was madly in love with my ex boyfriend. Totally, like one of those types of love from movies.
But even when I was at the peak of my feeling for him, never once have I stopped wanting to fuck other guys. I accepted to not do it, because I knew it would hurt him.
At the time I thought giving up sex outside the relationship was a sort of "price to pay", and it was also just what the society expected from me. Now I've grown up and I realised that... Why should I renounce to something I like and makes me feel good?

So yeah, I'll be looking for an open relationship. But with someone who wants it too, who understands what it means for me and who is as gorgeous as my ex boyfriend

 

[chpoof]

I was madly in love with my ex boyfriend. Totally, like one of those types of love from movies.
But even when I was at the peak of my feeling for him, never once have I stopped wanting to fuck other guys. I accepted to not do it, because I knew it would hurt him.
At the time I thought giving up sex outside the relationship was a sort of "price to pay", and it was also just what the society expected from me. Now I've grown up and I realised that... Why should I renounce to something I like and makes me feel good?

I've never looked at it as the "price you pay." On the contrary, I look at it as being fortunate enough to have a committed, meaningful, and intense sexual bond with one man and for our relationship to deepen and become even stronger over the years. I've never felt like I missed out or gave up something important to me; I actually felt like I gained something far, far better than what I had before (basically a life of loneliness and minimal sex). When I fell in love with my husband, it's not that I wasn't attracted to other guys; but I made the conscious choice to focus all of my sexual energy on him. We've been together for over 27 years, and the sex is still amazing.

Why should I renounce to something I like and makes me feel good?

When you enter into a relationship with someone else, it's no longer just about "you" singular; it's about "you" plural. "I" becomes "we"; "me" becomes "us." Of course, you don't lose your individuality because you should never sacrifice that, but you make changes in your lifestyle to make your relationship a top priority, and he does the same—and sometimes that means "renouncing" something for the betterment of the relationship.

All that being said, it sounds like a monogamous relationship just isn't for you. Open relationships seem to be more in line what what you need.

 

[marriedasian]

it truly comes down to what you want and what you're compatible with. an open relationship is different from cheating by definition. in an open relationship, there is no "cheating" since the permission and expectation is very clear. you can't cheat on a willing partner whom allows it, per se.

to the OP, your partner is allowed to view cheating and/or open relationships in any fashion he/she wants. that's their right and their perspective; you should respect that entirely. also, you don't have to accept it though. if it's not within your parameters for what you want in a relationship then walk away, literally. don't waste another second of your life waiting/hoping this person will change and, for sure, do not attempt to change this person either. unless you're willing to sacrifice your own happiness for what is leftover of this other person, then go for it but know that it was your willing choice to do so and accept all consequences thereafter.

monogamy is choice, not a right so you can decide that's what you want and accept nothing less. good luck and i'm pretty sure that you're not the only gay person that wants monogamy.

 

[TheEasyA]

it truly comes down to what you want and what you're compatible with. an open relationship is different from cheating by definition. in an open relationship, there is no "cheating" since the permission and expectation is very clear. you can't cheat on a willing partner whom allows it, per se.

to the OP, your partner is allowed to view cheating and/or open relationships in any fashion he/she wants. that's their right and their perspective; you should respect that entirely. also, you don't have to accept it though. if it's not within your parameters for what you want in a relationship then walk away, literally. don't waste another second of your life waiting/hoping this person will change and, for sure, do not attempt to change this person either. unless you're willing to sacrifice your own happiness for what is leftover of this other person, then go for it but know that it was your willing choice to do so and accept all consequences thereafter.

monogamy is choice, not a right so you can decide that's what you want and accept nothing less. good luck and i'm pretty sure that you're not the only gay person that wants monogamy.

I actually don’t care how he views relationships. I even told him as much and said so in my original post. I just felt manipulated that even after I told him that that’s his thing and not mine, he began to tell me I was wrong. He told me my views were wrong and disrespectful to human nature. That it is human nature to want sex and if I’m to ever take that away from a partner, I’m hurting them. I have no intentions of dating him now, not that I know he isn’t looking for monogamy.

Still, he continues to “joke” (feels more like mocking) with me whenever a tv character cheats. He says stuff like, “Oh, they better get divorced or break up immediately. See, they cheated. That’s not allowed.” Then laugh at me. Very strange.

 

[TheEasyA]

Update: Apparently I have been conditioned to believe in monogamy and if I hadn’t grown up like that, I wouldn’t want it. His words. Not mine.

Personally, I know I want monogamy because I’ve attempted something else with an ex. I was very uncomfortable.

 

[Brodie888]

Cheating is when someone isn't playing by the rules agreed to by both partners.

You can have an open relationship and not be cheating.

Never date anyone who says cheating is normal or acceptable. They are basically confessing to being the wrong type of person to be in a relationship with.

 

[chpoof]

Update: Apparently I have been conditioned to believe in monogamy and if I hadn’t grown up like that, I wouldn’t want it. His words. Not mine.

Personally, I know I want monogamy because I’ve attempted something else with an ex. I was very uncomfortable.

He is being a jerk. Might be best to walk away from this one.