A difficult situation

[croconiil]

I'm 26 years old and out of the closet. I met a guy at a nightclub over a year ago, and overtime we slowly started becoming really close to each other. He would message me every single day, and without fail would always ask me what I'm doing every single weekend, and would want to hang out.

Over 3 months ago, I started developing feelings for him. We would be texting non-stop, and he genuinely became part of my daily routine. Whenever we would go out, or I would run into him at places when I was with my friends, he would always hang around/linger around me. All of my friends started to notice this as well. He would never even say hi to them, he would just be stuck to me. They all thought that he was into me. One time, even an acquaintance who knows about my sexuality came up to me and said "this guy is clearly into you"

He told me he was straight, but judging by his actions and the chemistry he had, I stupidly thought that there was something there. I mean, everytime we would be out, we would always lock eyes and it really felt like nobody else was around us. Whenever he was confronted about his sexuality, he would get super defensive and would say things like "Nah I like p*ssy, I want to smash p*ssy" and one time he even made a comment to one of my close friends saying "This guy thinks I'm a bottom and wants to get with me". Before he used to also drop the f-word here and there until I told him to stop saying it.

There's a female friend of mine that I was really close to, and he kept poking/teasing me about her. He would say things like "you're on boyfriend duties today" or "why are you so dressed up? going on a date with your gf?" even though he knew I was not attracted to her. This was so out of pocket and confusing for me. Additionally, he messaged me once saying that "he thinks I would really like his outfit" and gave me his wrist to smell his perfume

One day I ended up getting him a gift that I knew he would like, I gave it to him when we were both a bit drunk and he was so ecstatic, saying that I got him sentimental and then saying that I should think of him "while I'm smashing my gf" (the girl i mentioned above) ... which really is not a normal thing to say.

Anyways, the constant texting and hanging out continued until recently I decided to be honest and tell him how I felt. His reaction was shocking. I'm not sure if this was because he was under the influence or not. He just responded with "You're not being rational", "you're my best friend, my gay best friend", "you're supposed to be at my wedding", "i'm not a good person, why do you like me?" and then would just keep calling me an "idiot" or a "dumbass". He genuinely got super defensive and dismissive. And then I told him that I don't think we should continue speaking anymore.

I just dont understand his behavior and can't make any sense of it. But I'm trying to move on, it just really hurts because we genuinely had a proper connection, a lot of common interests, and it really felt like we were together but in an unspoken about way. I've never really had this kind of a dynamic with a guy before and so it's really something that i'm struggling with. All the signs were showing me that this guy was interested in me, and I feel crazy

 

[dana2]

Sometimes, if you are very into a person, you can misread cues. Your are spending too much mental energy on this. FORGET about this guy.

"I just dont understand his behavior and can't make any sense of it. "

You will probably never make sense of it. Don't overanalyze it. Drop it. Look for a real gay guy to mess around with. This is not the one.

 

[Brodie888]

To sum up, it sounds like when you revealed you felt more than just friendship, he felt that you have made the friendship awkward because you want something more than he is willing to give.
He is telling you he is straight and he saw you as his best friend regardless of your sexuality.

It's a tough situation because being gay, our partners and our best friends are often the same person. Straights usually have a partner and a platonic same sex best friend as well.

If you want to try and salvage your friendship, you can try writing him a letter apologizing and explaining that you misread his signals and from those signals you opened a door in your mind to other possibilities that made sense in the moment but now you realize how wrong it was.

Explain how much you his friendship mean to you. That now you know his true feelings, you have closed that door in your mind and would like to turn the page.

 

[croconiil]

To sum up, it sounds like when you revealed you felt more than just friendship, he felt that you have made the friendship awkward because you want something more than he is willing to give.
He is telling you he is straight and he saw you as his best friend regardless of your sexuality.

It's a tough situation because being gay, our partners and our best friends are often the same person. Straights usually have a partner and a platonic same sex best friend as well.

If you want to try and salvage your friendship, you can try writing him a letter apologizing and explaining that you misread his signals and from those signals you opened a door in your mind to other possibilities that made sense in the moment but now you realize how wrong it was.

Explain how much you his friendship mean to you. That now you know his true feelings, you have closed that door in your mind and would like to turn the page.

No I don’t believe that made the friendship awkward. In fact, I have confessed to people before and they didn’t react in such a manner. I don’t intend on salvaging the friendship because I need my time and space to move on.

Additionally, I don’t think I misread any signals, it was very clear what he was doing. I don’t know any person that would tell me to “think of them when I’m smashing someone” unless there was some level of attraction. And I surely don’t believe any straight dude would say something like that.

 

[chris0210bb]

Hello. Apologies if I had misread anything, it's midnight where I am.

I couldn't tell from your post if you had previously told him that you are gay. Since he had kept making those comments about you smashing 'your girl'. (or maybe he thought you were joking about being gay?).
Anyways, if all that information (you being gay & that you have feelings for him) all came out at once it could be overwhelming for someone and they might not know what to do in that situation.

There's no mention of his age, but assuming you both in your early-mid 20's. He could possibly be figuring things out (sexuality wise) himself. It's difficult, for both you and him, and you may both be at a different stage in your life at this point.
I'm not trying to give you the false hope that he *might* be gay.
This is what you wrote:
-"This guy thinks I'm a bottom and wants to get with me" - I don't know why his response is that he's the bottom??? - Is this his life will be if were to come out and that's why he's so confused?
- "i'm not a good person, why do you like me?" - is this some sort of religious or societal/family guilt on being gay?
- "Whenever he was confronted about his sexuality, he would get super defensive" - sometimes people who react this way, end up reacting this way because they are hiding something about themselves.

So here's my take that you may not want to hear: I know you have feelings for him. It must be very difficult to not act on that, especially as a young 20 year old. But, consider what I mentioned, if he is struggling with his sexuality. He might need a friend instead, and not someone who wants more - at the moment.

I don't know what your coming out story was, I hope it was a good and easy journey. But, if it wasn't, or if you struggled internally, remember that feeling and try to put yourself in your friend's position, and consider what he might be going through.
You wouldn't have wanted someone to force you to 'come out' when you were not ready, right?

 

[croconiil]

Hello. Apologies if I had misread anything, it's midnight where I am.

I couldn't tell from your post if you had previously told him that you are gay. Since he had kept making those comments about you smashing 'your girl'. (or maybe he thought you were joking about being gay?).
Anyways, if all that information (you being gay & that you have feelings for him) all came out at once it could be overwhelming for someone and they might not know what to do in that situation.

There's no mention of his age, but assuming you both in your early-mid 20's. He could possibly be figuring things out (sexuality wise) himself. It's difficult, for both you and him, and you may both be at a different stage in your life at this point.
I'm not trying to give you the false hope that he *might* be gay.
This is what you wrote:
-"This guy thinks I'm a bottom and wants to get with me" - I don't know why his response is that he's the bottom??? - Is this his life will be if were to come out and that's why he's so confused?
- "i'm not a good person, why do you like me?" - is this some sort of religious or societal/family guilt on being gay?
- "Whenever he was confronted about his sexuality, he would get super defensive" - sometimes people who react this way, end up reacting this way because they are hiding something about themselves.

So here's my take that you may not want to hear: I know you have feelings for him. It must be very difficult to not act on that, especially as a young 20 year old. But, consider what I mentioned, if he is struggling with his sexuality. He might need a friend instead, and not someone who wants more - at the moment.

I don't know what your coming out story was, I hope it was a good and easy journey. But, if it wasn't, or if you struggled internally, remember that feeling and try to put yourself in your friend's position, and consider what he might be going through.
You wouldn't have wanted someone to force you to 'come out' when you were not ready, right?

Hey! Thanks for taking the time to respond to this.

He was very well aware from the beginning that I’m queer, and despite that was still hanging out with me and in fact we got even closer. That was never something that I hid from him.

He definitely gave me a lot of mixed signals, and our text exchanges were quite flirtatious at times and he was entertaining all of it. But I feel as if the moment I confronted him with my feelings, he panicked. But the signs were always there that i liked him.

Additionally, I wasn’t trying to pressure him at all. I understand it’s hard for some people to come to terms with their sexuality, it was for me too. He’s 25 years old, so maybe he needs more time to process this. I just approached him at angle that was more like “Hey, this really hasn’t been a normal guy friend dynamic, considering how much we talk and hang out, it seems like there’s something there” but instead he got super defensive and made all the above comments that I mentioned. I wish if there was a part of him that wasn’t interested, he would’ve turned me down in a lighter way rather than getting defensive and dismissive. But I definitely didn’t approach him in a forceful or inconsiderate way

 

[chris0210bb]

Ahh, got it, got it.
I hope I didn't offend you by making assumptions on my end. I just figured it'd be easier to say my part based on what was provided, and you could extract what was relevant.

Regarding the flirtations, this is just me stereotyping people from Spain (from what I've heard, I haven't experienced myself), but in general, compared to North American's you guys have been known to be much more affectionate and flirtatious. (Confuses the hell out of us, not in a bad way)

I think we both agree that he might need some time to process things. And it sounds like you're being very rational and reasonable about your approach.
So, even though he didn't react in the way you wanted him to. I think the fact that you are on here talking about him in a respectful and (I would consider) positive manner, shows that you really care about this guy.
Whether or not he is gay, I hope you are able to remain in each others lives and support each other.

And I want to say, that not a lot of 26 year olds has that level of maturity to not go off and rant about a negative experience they had expressing their feelings and sharing their vulnerability. It probably doesn't matter to you that some random person on the internet saying this but: you should be really proud that you are able to do that.

I hope you find that love you're looking for, it's an amazing feeling, and it's worth all the heartbreak along the way.

 

[croconiil]

Ahh, got it, got it.
I hope I didn't offend you by making assumptions on my end. I just figured it'd be easier to say my part based on what was provided, and you could extract what was relevant.

Regarding the flirtations, this is just me stereotyping people from Spain (from what I've heard, I haven't experienced myself), but in general, compared to North American's you guys have been known to be much more affectionate and flirtatious. (Confuses the hell out of us, not in a bad way)

I think we both agree that he might need some time to process things. And it sounds like you're being very rational and reasonable about your approach.
So, even though he didn't react in the way you wanted him to. I think the fact that you are on here talking about him in a respectful and (I would consider) positive manner, shows that you really care about this guy.
Whether or not he is gay, I hope you are able to remain in each others lives and support each other.

And I want to say, that not a lot of 26 year olds has that level of maturity to not go off and rant about a negative experience they had expressing their feelings and sharing their vulnerability. It probably doesn't matter to you that some random person on the internet saying this but: you should be really proud that you are able to do that.

I hope you find that love you're looking for, it's an amazing feeling, and it's worth all the heartbreak along the way.

no worries at all, you didn’t offend me whatsoever. Thank you so much for your kind words. Really means a lot to me especially right now. I’m hoping that everything will be fine between us eventually, he’s a really important person and i know the connection him and i built over the last few months can’t just go to waste so abruptly. But i will always genuinely wish him the best and want him to succeed in life.

It’s been very difficult for me emotionally, but I’m glad i got to vent and share my feelings on here. And really appreciate you taking the time to listen and say the things you did. Really hope you also find the love you deserve

 

[twfarrell]

Hey,

I can see why you’re struggling with this - it’s a really tough situation, and I’m sorry you’re hurting. From everything you’ve described, it sounds like this guy was giving you mixed signals, whether intentionally or not. His actions were emotionally intimate and, at times, flirty, but his words and reactions suggest he wasn’t willing (or able) to acknowledge any potential feelings for you. That’s an exhausting and painful dynamic to be caught in.

Honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised if every gay man can empathise with your situation. I certainly can. It messed me up, but I had no one to discuss it with and just assumed that’s the way it is for gay men. It isn’t. No one deserves to be stuck in a dynamic that makes them feel this confused and hurt.

The fact that he was so defensive about his sexuality, made crude comments, and dismissed your feelings in such a harsh way tells me that he likely has some internal conflicts he hasn’t dealt with. That’s his issue to figure out, not yours. Regardless of his motives, what matters is that he didn’t respect your feelings and, instead of responding with kindness, he made you feel small for expressing them. That’s not how a real friend should act.

I also support what someone else here said - when you’re really into a person, it’s so easy to misread cues. I’ve done it myself. When you want there to be something there, you naturally start looking for confirmation of it. It doesn’t mean you were stupid or wrong, just that you were hopeful.

I know it hurts, but you made the right call by stepping away. You deserve people in your life who don’t make you second-guess your reality or make you feel “crazy” for interpreting clear signs of connection. Give yourself time to grieve what you thought this could be, but also try to recognise that the version of him you cared for wasn’t fully real - at least, not in the way you needed it to be.

You’re not crazy, and you’re not an idiot. You’re someone who wanted deeply and authentically. In time, you’ll find someone who meets you there, openly and without hesitation.

 

[chris0210bb]

I don't know if I fully agree with everything said here.
There is many, many great points and advice that should definitely be taken into consideration.

It totally sucks when we fall for the 'wrong' guy or are mislead. Intentionally or not. But, it happens whether they are gay or straight.
How long have we been complaining about toxic masculinity, men being bullied and called gay because they expressed affections to another male. Here, we *could* have a straight guy, who is just a straight guy who does that, and we (myself included) are saying he's gay & hiding something.

Yes, his reaction was completely shitty. There's no denying that. I think OP mentioned his friend might've been drinking. How many times have we reacted badly to some news we were NOT expecting, and wished we could've taken that back. I don't think we know how much time has passed yet, so it might be too soon to make a judgement.

Friends are easy to make. Keeping good friends takes more work. I think healthy relationships (platonic or not) deserves trying and communicating before just jumping out. Just have to make your boundaries beforehand and stick to them, so you know when to get out.

 

[croconiil]

Hey,

I can see why you’re struggling with this - it’s a really tough situation, and I’m sorry you’re hurting. From everything you’ve described, it sounds like this guy was giving you mixed signals, whether intentionally or not. His actions were emotionally intimate and, at times, flirty, but his words and reactions suggest he wasn’t willing (or able) to acknowledge any potential feelings for you. That’s an exhausting and painful dynamic to be caught in.

Honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised if every gay man can empathise with your situation. I certainly can. It messed me up, but I had no one to discuss it with and just assumed that’s the way it is for gay men. It isn’t. No one deserves to be stuck in a dynamic that makes them feel this confused and hurt.

The fact that he was so defensive about his sexuality, made crude comments, and dismissed your feelings in such a harsh way tells me that he likely has some internal conflicts he hasn’t dealt with. That’s his issue to figure out, not yours. Regardless of his motives, what matters is that he didn’t respect your feelings and, instead of responding with kindness, he made you feel small for expressing them. That’s not how a real friend should act.

I also support what someone else here said - when you’re really into a person, it’s so easy to misread cues. I’ve done it myself. When you want there to be something there, you naturally start looking for confirmation of it. It doesn’t mean you were stupid or wrong, just that you were hopeful.

I know it hurts, but you made the right call by stepping away. You deserve people in your life who don’t make you second-guess your reality or make you feel “crazy” for interpreting clear signs of connection. Give yourself time to grieve what you thought this could be, but also try to recognise that the version of him you cared for wasn’t fully real - at least, not in the way you needed it to be.

You’re not crazy, and you’re not an idiot. You’re someone who wanted deeply and authentically. In time, you’ll find someone who meets you there, openly and without hesitation.

Hey! Yeah I’m definitely hurting quite a lot but just trying to move forward and take it day by day. The thing I’m struggling with is that he hasn’t bothered to reach out since that day, and it’s been about 10 days or so. I just thought he’d feel some type of way considering how close we were and that we’d talk all the time.

It’s just strange because I’ve never connected with any other guy the way i did with him. We had similar senses of humor, interests in terms of fashion, art, music, sports etc. and just really enjoyed being around each other.

I thought about it that maybe i did misread the cues and that maybe my feelings exaggerated his actions. But all of those closest to me that have seen us interact genuinely saw something there based on how he was treating me. Additionally, the “think of me mid-smash” comment or the playful comments he would make about me and that girl were just really strange.

But really I appreciate your kind words and reassurance. It means a lot and I hope that I’m able to heal and move on from this situation quickly. It’s a shame because I really felt like this was a genuine connection that was going to lead somewhere. And idk maybe in that sense and judging by his behavior since we went no-contact, it seems like maybe I was wrong about that at least. :/

 

[croconiil]

But honestly the question that I’m struggling with is - if he really had feelings or is “queer”, would he really be able to lie to my face? I mean he was pretty lit, aren’t people usually honest when they’re intoxicated?

 

[chris0210bb]

You'd be surprised by what people would do when they are intoxicated.
I would not say people are more honest when they are intoxicated.
People have very poor decision making skills when they are intoxicated.

I don't know if I'm talking BS here. But let's imagine someone deciding to drive drunk.
You have the full conversation with them on why they should absolutely not do that.
Unfortunately, most/some people decide to hop behind the wheel.

That's not an honest conversation, that's a bad decision.

I could probably give a few more examples if you want me to drone on and on...

 

[croconiil]

Yeah I get that. Sometimes even I’m not completely honest when I’m drunk. More than anything I just wish he would talk to me to show that he cares

 

[shalimar]

Hey croconiil, curious to know if when you said that you didn't want to continue talking, that meant end the conversation or end the friendship? Whichever it was, did he understand it as you intended it? Either way, most people are not great at apologizing for bad behavior – especially if they are ashamed – so I wouldn't necessarily take his silence as a sign that he doesn't care.

There's no reason you couldn't reach out to say that you feel upset that your last conversation ended the way it did, and hope you can talk or move past it when he feels ready. If you go that route, be prepared to accept the friendship as just a friendship, unless he expresses something different.

On the other hand, I would keep in mind that the level of attention this friendship seems to require may keep you from exploring other romantic opportunities. If you are looking for a relationship, do you have time and additional emotional capacity needed to do that while also tending to this guy's sort of needy, conflicted situation?

You sound like a considerate and thoughtful person (and friend). Best of luck, and don't second-guess your instincts – or overexamine every interaction you had with him.

 

[croconiil]

Hey croconiil, curious to know if when you said that you didn't want to continue talking, that meant end the conversation or end the friendship? Whichever it was, did he understand it as you intended it? Either way, most people are not great at apologizing for bad behavior – especially if they are ashamed – so I wouldn't necessarily take his silence as a sign that he doesn't care.

There's no reason you couldn't reach out to say that you feel upset that your last conversation ended the way it did, and hope you can talk or move past it when he feels ready. If you go that route, be prepared to accept the friendship as just a friendship, unless he expresses something different.

On the other hand, I would keep in mind that the level of attention this friendship seems to require may keep you from exploring other romantic opportunities. If you are looking for a relationship, do you have time and additional emotional capacity needed to do that while also tending to this guy's sort of needy, conflicted situation?

You sound like a considerate and thoughtful person (and friend). Best of luck, and don't second-guess your instincts – or overexamine every interaction you had with him.

Hello! I meant that it’s better to just take distance from each other because his reaction didn’t sit right with me. He didn’t deny anything when I confronted him with my feelings, but he was just going on tangents as I mentioned above by saying random things like “you’re supposed to be at my wedding” or that “he’s not a good person”. Funnily enough, I drunk texted him a week ago and he said the exact same things again. I thought maybe a week of us not speaking would allow him to reflect more but he didn’t seem to change his opinion, so I ended up removing him from social media.

Yeah he did also understand that the no contact is going to be a thing going forward I mean he sent me messages that night saying “you’re my guy and I’m not losing you just because you have feelings” so I’m sure the point was communicated clearly to him.

While it is bothering me still, I don’t feel the urge to speak to him. I feel like he’s old enough to know that his reaction was pretty harsh, and if he doesn’t have the emotional maturity to understand that himself, then I guess I’m better off anyways. The only confusion in my head till now is that I don’t understand why he behaved the way he did with me, because honestly this is how someone that had a romantic interest in me would behave.

Thank you so much for your kind words and thoughts. Genuinely means a lot. While I do miss him, I feel like for now I just need to try and do my own thing. If the stars align in the future and we are meant to be together then that would be great. If not, I’ll just have to find a way to move on but at least I know that I was good to him throughout, so that’s giving me comfort.

 

[jbf78]

That’s a question for me too if a homosexual and a heterosexual male can be friends? But hopefully its just a phase.

Have you tried dating other guys

 

[croconiil]

That’s a question for me too if a homosexual and a heterosexual male can be friends? But hopefully its just a phase.

Have you tried dating other guys

For sure they can. I have quite a few guys friends that are straight. However, none of them were *this* close to me, the way this guy was. Also, they would never act the way he did either

 

[Brodie888]

It seems a shame to willingly end a good friendship over something rather trivial.

It just seems you are punishing him for not reciprocating your feelings. It doesn't really matter what you or your friends believe, he has always said that he's straight. It's not his fault that you want more than he is offering.

He may be a bit of a flirt or a cock-tease. He may be bi and just not into you sexually. Either way, he is offering friendship of a level so few people have in life.

If you a so rich in deep friends like that to cast aside, fine. But you may come to regret it later in life.

 

[croconiil]

It seems a shame to willingly end a good friendship over something rather trivial.

It just seems you are punishing him for not reciprocating your feelings. It doesn't really matter what you or your friends believe, he has always said that he's straight. It's not his fault that you want more than he is offering.

He may be a bit of a flirt or a cock-tease. He may be bi and just not into you sexually. Either way, he is offering friendship of a level so few people have in life.

If you a so rich in deep friends like that to cast aside, fine. But you may come to regret it later in life.

Something rather trivial? I don’t believe my feelings for him are trivial. And if I need to end the friendship in order to prioritize my own mental and emotional wellbeing, that’s exactly what I will do. I’m not sure if you fully understood everything I said, but this guy was clearly toying with my feelings and if he was truly a “rich friendship”, he would have been understanding when I confronted him, not dismissive or defensive.

I do have a lot of great friends, whom I am very close to. Yeah, our dynamic certainly was different but that was because it genuinely seemed like it wasn’t only coming from a place of just pure friendship, there was definitely an added layer of something there.

I’m not punishing him at all, in fact, I’d be happy to reopen a conversation with him about this if he wants to. But I will not be the one to pursue that. It’s never easy being vulnerable with someone about your emotions, and for him to act the way he did when I was at my most vulnerable… yeah I did all that I could.