Boyfriend not interested in sex anymore

[tiamold]

Hey guys, I need some advice on whether or not its time to just end this relationship and move on.
Me and my BF have been together about 2 years. Our sex life has never been "great" per se, but we at least used to have sex a few times a week... now we barely have sex, and I don't think we've even had sex in this last month.
He keeps alleging that he's having issues mentally putting sex together with a relationship because he's always just had sex with casual hookups in the past.
Btw, I'm 26 and my BF is 41. We don't live together.
Well anyways, I found out he still watches porn and jacks off, but just doesn't have sex with me and if I bring it up he gets annoyed and says he feels like I'm "pressuring him."
Seeing as I don't want to be in a sexless relationship... is it time to just cut my losses and move on?

 

[it_never_ends]

i am available, just saying

 

[danimal32]

See if he wants to talk about it - if not, you may want to start looking. It seems like he may have moved on and forgot to include you in his decision.

 

[Brian0406]

I would say it is time to move on buddy, i was in the same situation two years ago, exact same thing, started with pornon his phone, then dating apps and then finally cheating, get out before you get hurt..

 

[malakos]

I don't know. I feel like I need more info. For instance, is he on any sort of dating or hookup sites, or is it just porn?

 

[Novaboy]

I think that it does not matter what sites he's on or if he's even on sites. The point is, he has lost interest. He maybe just does not want to deal with the confrontation of a break-up. I think it's time to move on. You're only 26. Put your own feelings first (but be nice).

 

[Brian0406]

I think that it does not matter what sites he's on or if he's even on sites. The point is, he has lost interest. He maybe just does not want to deal with the confrontation of a break-up. I think it's time to move on. You're only 26. Put your own feelings first (but be nice).

Listen to this guy!!!!!!!

 

[ozzienicks]

He has probably already cheated on you I hope you use condoms with this fellow I hate to be so blunt I know from personal experience to move on get some counseling to sort out your feelings you are both to young to not be sexual:tongue:

 

[cssebek]

Same problem with my boyfriend but I think it's an age thing in his case (past 45 and not into fitness). I'm just gonna tough it out and find my jollies as often as I can without offending him. But this is after 14 years together.
If you're in your 20s and the sex has dried up I would definitely say that finding someone on your wavelength is VERY IMPORTANT going forward. Seldom does sex life heat up with age. Just sayin. Enjoy life and love!

 

[KennF]

Yeah, there are a few issues here. First, you have a desire to have sex in your relationship. As you say, the sex life has never been "great". I wonder how he felt about the sex you were having. Was it "great" for him, or was he not turned on?

He doesn't want to talk about it. That's the issue that ring bells to me. Either he's embarassed that you haven't enjoyed the sex as much as he'd like, or, he's not been enjoying it much himself and doesn't want to hurt your feelings, or, he's moved on emotionally, or, ....something.

The age gap is tough enough, but without communication, you're in for some rough patch.

How big is your emotionally investment?

 

[milwjocknow]

My advice would be to leave this relationship. I had a 20 year relationship with a man who sounds exactly like your boyfriend. If he is using porn, and jerking off, he still wants to have sex. He just doesn't want to have sex with YOU. Let that sink in, and consider all of the sadness and low self esteem it will cause in your life. Do you want that for yourself? You can't beg someone to love you, and want you. You should take care of yourself, trust me, you will thank yourself in the long run.

 

[KennF]

My advice would be to leave this relationship. I had a 20 year relationship with a man who sounds exactly like your boyfriend. If he is using porn, and jerking off, he still wants to have sex. He just doesn't want to have sex with YOU. Let that sink in, and consider all of the sadness and low self esteem it will cause in your life. Do you want that for yourself? You can't beg someone to love you, and want you. You should take care of yourself, trust me, you will thank yourself in the long run.

A bit harsh. And I don't agree that porn and jerking off is the same as wanting sex.

* He could be procrastubating. That's got nothing to do with wanting sex, but rather avoiding something else.

* He could be wanting something sexual and not know how to ask.

* He could be unfulfilled sexually and embarassed to talk about it.

There are LOTS of possible explanations. BUT... he isn't communicating, and for me, that's the red flag.

Just my tuppence.

 

[gatibos]

Sadly I understand him. I have a hard time having sex with people I care about because it is a lot of pressure and my anxiety kicks in.

It is so much easier to just have casual hook-ups that I don't have to think so much about. It's moments like this I despise my anxiety.

I think open communication is key though, if he really wants you around and wants to make this work you guys should talk about it.

I chose to end my relationship instead of keeping my partner hostage to a sexless relationship and blaming himself for the lack of sex.

Best of luck to you.

 

[KennF]

Sadly I understand him. I have a hard time having sex with people I care about because it is a lot of pressure and my anxiety kicks in.

It is so much easier to just have casual hook-ups that I don't have to think so much about. It's moments like this I despise my anxiety.

I think open communication is key though, if he really wants you around and wants to make this work you guys should talk about it.

I chose to end my relationship instead of keeping my partner hostage to a sexless relationship and blaming himself for the lack of sex.

Best of luck to you.

Chin up! You'll find the right one. They'll accept you and your anxiety. Or, you'll realize you want them more than the anxiety and just let go of it. Either way... Chin up!

 

[erratic]

There are LOTS of possible explanations. BUT... he isn't communicating, and for me, that's the red flag.

Just my tuppence.

I agree completely.

The big concern here is that he's not communicating. All he's saying is "don't pressure me!" That may very well be legitimate - he's in his forties and his partner's in his twenties. His libido may very naturally be waning - or he may just be scared of that. Maybe he feels like he has to perform for this young guy he's with.

Who knows?

tiamold, I'd say that you should tell him you need to talk about this with him - that you don't want to add pressure, but you want to figure out how the two of you can work with what you've got. If my partner said no at that point, I'd tell him what you told us. It may be harsh, but it's the truth - and the truth beats suffering through more of both of you being unhappy.

 

[SillyGayBoy]

I went a full year in a sexless marriage and looking back it was very, very patient of me. I definitely should have cut ties sooner. He had tons of porn so I'll bet it was part of it. No man can compete with all that.

 

[malakos]

No man can compete with all that.

Hmmm....

I don't think it's necessarily normal for an abundance of porn to lead to no sex.

 

[SillyGayBoy]

He said he was no longer attracted to me and offered no reason why. The OPs situation had porn too. Relationships are very damaged with porn. I have done my research on this. Try Porn Nation by Michael Leahy. Porn is a no go in my relationship. Here for info, not the dick pics. http://www.amazon.com/Porn-Nation-Conquering-Americas-Addiction/dp/0802481256

 

[justcurious88]

Well, in my situation, I've been seeing this guy for about three months. When I first met him, I thought he was nice, cute, and had great arms. The dates were fine, but the sex was so-so. We have only done oral. I grow less attracted to him every time I saw him, but I'm still hanging around because I am not sure how to end it. He really likes me, and I don't want to hurt him because he is such a great person.

The problem is that I'm not attracted to him at all. We haven't had the "we're official" talk, so I've gone on other dates and seen my FWB (safe only, always!), but if he pressed the issue, I wouldn't agree to be exclusive. I have no desire to top him (he said he would for me), suck him, make out with him, or even touch him really. I would rather just not. I almost wish he would just ditch me instead of me having to do it to him.

All that is to say to the original posting guy... You should probably think about moving on, as bad as the situation sucks.

 

[malakos]

He said he was no longer attracted to me and offered no reason why. The OPs situation had porn too. Relationships are very damaged with porn. I have done my research on this. Try Porn Nation by Michael Leahy. Porn is a no go in my relationship. Here for info, not the dick pics. http://www.amazon.com/Porn-Nation-Conquering-Americas-Addiction/dp/0802481256

I have no doubt that porn has potential for great harm to relationships. All I said was that I doubt it's typical for it to completely eclipse the appeal of real sex, though this may happen in some cases (and I would think usually accompanied by other issues).