Super new to the site, but thought it wouldn't hurt to give this a try..
As a little backstory, I am 22 years old and have never fallen in love until this past summer. My teenage years were spent heavily in the closet and my college years were spent trying to navigate my new life as an out gay man. Upon entering college, I was wayyy past the phase of being ashamed of being gay and I even got to the point where I loved who I was but I found myself still depriving myself (not intentionally?) of developing friendships with other gay men and as a result found myself single for my entire four years of undergrad. Mind you, prior to this summer, I had only had experiences with 2 guys where in each instance I was in a situation where I was not attracted to the other guy therefore I always ended it a few days later. I remember both times feeling a relief ending it with both guys. This scared the living shit out of me as I was scared I was never going be in a relationship even though I have always wanted one so bad. Anyways, to summarize, I never knew what it was like to feel genuinely attracted to another person until this summer.
In June, I matched with this guy on Tinder. I thought he was really attractive but didn't really have any real hope as most of my matches never got anywhere. He was different story though; we hit it off instantly and eventually got to the point of going on my first date. I was scared shitless but I was so excited. I can't begin to explain the world of emotions I felt, sorry if I sound corny but pls give me a break. To go from never feeling butterflies for another person to finally feeling it felt surreal. We couldn't keep ourselves off of each other the whole day. He ends up telling me he just broke up with his ex a month before. He used to live with him in another city and is now here with his friend until he finds another place and job. He also mentions he was in an open relationship and asks me how I view them... I say I do not see myself in one at all but I brush it off as this was super new and did not want to get ahead of myself.
Flash forward a couple of weeks, we keep talking, going on dates, the whole 9. I am falling for him obviously as time passes. Did I mention I was a virgin before this? So I end up loosing it to him, no I didn't tell him, yes I was scared shitless, and yes I loved every minute of it. So to make a super long story short-ish, he calls me one day out of the blue and states he has to end things with me for now because his ex had called him and he realized he had feelings still and "thought it was not fair to me". Of course, I'm devastated. He comes back, asks me to forgive him and explains he just needed to cut all ties with his ex to move on. Of course, I take him back. In the following week though, so many things happen that lead to me leaving. Like the Friday where he invited me over, we had sex, and then told me he was going to a pool party with his roommate and I had to go back home after not seeing eachother for weeks. Also the Thursday where I found him on Grindr because I just had a feeling he was on. Or the Saturday where he got a job in another city 3 hours away and had to move away. My emotions were all over the place and I felt so overwhelmed that I had to leave abruptly. I have to admit, I left because I was getting the feeling this was never going to move past just hooking up? I hated the idea of that. I realized I was falling in love and I could not view him as a just someone I hookup with. Also, he mentioned multiple times the prospect of being exclusive but I guess the move put that on the backburner.
So weeks go by and I can't hold off the urge to reach out. I text him one night, ask him to forgive me for leaving out of nowhere, and he says he would be stupid to not take me back, and we see eachother that following weekend because he is coming back up to get some left over stuff from his friend's place where he used to stay. We hook up and he asks me to go visit him the following weekend. 3 weeks go by and he makes excuses for me not to go down to see him. He is also texting me every few days, just nowhere near to how we were in the summer. Again, accurate or not, I saw myself almost begging for his time and I hate that feeling. I was spending most of the weeks hyperfocused on him and why he was not texting me that I decided to leave, again. He didnt text back this time.
So now I'm here. Its been 3 months since that last text and I am still in love with his person. This is where I would really appreciate advice. Will this feeling ever go away? I am scared I'll never get over this person or I'll never feel the same way about someone else? I have not reached out and don't plan to so dont worry. I do check his social media often, I know, not what I am supposed to be doing, but I'm trying. I try to tell myself it didn't work out for a reason I might not understand now but that doesn't stop me from feeling this way all the time. I know this may sound childish but I don't have much experience to go off of. I also try to tell myself I was getting dependent on him to make me happy and that is not healthy and need to learn to be content with myself but being alone for most of my adult life doesn't help the case. Sorry for the unnecessarily long post. I would really appreciate advice.
- Best,
a 22 year old just trying to figure out how life/love works
As a little backstory, I am 22 years old and have never fallen in love until this past summer. My teenage years were spent heavily in the closet and my college years were spent trying to navigate my new life as an out gay man. Upon entering college, I was wayyy past the phase of being ashamed of being gay and I even got to the point where I loved who I was but I found myself still depriving myself (not intentionally?) of developing friendships with other gay men and as a result found myself single for my entire four years of undergrad. Mind you, prior to this summer, I had only had experiences with 2 guys where in each instance I was in a situation where I was not attracted to the other guy therefore I always ended it a few days later. I remember both times feeling a relief ending it with both guys. This scared the living shit out of me as I was scared I was never going be in a relationship even though I have always wanted one so bad. Anyways, to summarize, I never knew what it was like to feel genuinely attracted to another person until this summer.
In June, I matched with this guy on Tinder. I thought he was really attractive but didn't really have any real hope as most of my matches never got anywhere. He was different story though; we hit it off instantly and eventually got to the point of going on my first date. I was scared shitless but I was so excited. I can't begin to explain the world of emotions I felt, sorry if I sound corny but pls give me a break. To go from never feeling butterflies for another person to finally feeling it felt surreal. We couldn't keep ourselves off of each other the whole day. He ends up telling me he just broke up with his ex a month before. He used to live with him in another city and is now here with his friend until he finds another place and job. He also mentions he was in an open relationship and asks me how I view them... I say I do not see myself in one at all but I brush it off as this was super new and did not want to get ahead of myself.
Flash forward a couple of weeks, we keep talking, going on dates, the whole 9. I am falling for him obviously as time passes. Did I mention I was a virgin before this? So I end up loosing it to him, no I didn't tell him, yes I was scared shitless, and yes I loved every minute of it. So to make a super long story short-ish, he calls me one day out of the blue and states he has to end things with me for now because his ex had called him and he realized he had feelings still and "thought it was not fair to me". Of course, I'm devastated. He comes back, asks me to forgive him and explains he just needed to cut all ties with his ex to move on. Of course, I take him back. In the following week though, so many things happen that lead to me leaving. Like the Friday where he invited me over, we had sex, and then told me he was going to a pool party with his roommate and I had to go back home after not seeing eachother for weeks. Also the Thursday where I found him on Grindr because I just had a feeling he was on. Or the Saturday where he got a job in another city 3 hours away and had to move away. My emotions were all over the place and I felt so overwhelmed that I had to leave abruptly. I have to admit, I left because I was getting the feeling this was never going to move past just hooking up? I hated the idea of that. I realized I was falling in love and I could not view him as a just someone I hookup with. Also, he mentioned multiple times the prospect of being exclusive but I guess the move put that on the backburner.
So weeks go by and I can't hold off the urge to reach out. I text him one night, ask him to forgive me for leaving out of nowhere, and he says he would be stupid to not take me back, and we see eachother that following weekend because he is coming back up to get some left over stuff from his friend's place where he used to stay. We hook up and he asks me to go visit him the following weekend. 3 weeks go by and he makes excuses for me not to go down to see him. He is also texting me every few days, just nowhere near to how we were in the summer. Again, accurate or not, I saw myself almost begging for his time and I hate that feeling. I was spending most of the weeks hyperfocused on him and why he was not texting me that I decided to leave, again. He didnt text back this time.
So now I'm here. Its been 3 months since that last text and I am still in love with his person. This is where I would really appreciate advice. Will this feeling ever go away? I am scared I'll never get over this person or I'll never feel the same way about someone else? I have not reached out and don't plan to so dont worry. I do check his social media often, I know, not what I am supposed to be doing, but I'm trying. I try to tell myself it didn't work out for a reason I might not understand now but that doesn't stop me from feeling this way all the time. I know this may sound childish but I don't have much experience to go off of. I also try to tell myself I was getting dependent on him to make me happy and that is not healthy and need to learn to be content with myself but being alone for most of my adult life doesn't help the case. Sorry for the unnecessarily long post. I would really appreciate advice.
- Best,
a 22 year old just trying to figure out how life/love works
