Did you "choose" to be gay?

[Smaccoms]

I chose to try sex with a man initially, and have more recently chosen to try sex exclusively with men; I don't care if that "makes" me "gay" or "bisexual".
I didn't choose to be attracted to men, it's a part if me which gave me huge trouble for some period of time. It's not going away and I'm actually enjoying developing a relationship with a man which is more than just sexual, although the sex aspect still blows me away.

I believe you, and I'm genuinely happy for you too. I appreciate you sharing your personal experience. Everyone has a story. And we should all feel safe sharing these stories with one another, right?? It's the one reason I'm such a broken record with this whole choice thing.

 

[deleted1074483]

I believe you, and I'm genuinely happy for you too. I appreciate you sharing your personal experience. Everyone has a story. And we should all feel safe sharing these stories with one another, right?? It's the one reason I'm such a broken record with this whole choice thing.

and to be a broken record back.......

he didn't choose his sexuality

I didn't choose to be attracted to men, it's a part if me which gave me huge trouble for some period of time.

he chose to ACT on it - big big difference to what you're describing as a choice whatever his sexuality.

I certainly didn't choose to be gay i am gay its innately part of me over which nature/nurture/external influences had no impact (any external influences would have made me straight as thats what i was exposed to over my youth), i did however choose to act on it and accept that i was gay and all that goes with it.

yes its great that people share their stories, they are all unique, valid and different, but then don't use one word in that story to back up your 'choice' theory ;-)

 

[Smaccoms]

and to be a broken record back.......

he didn't choose his sexuality



he chose to ACT on it - big big difference to what you're describing as a choice whatever his sexuality.

I certainly didn't choose to be gay i am gay its innately part of me over which nature/nurture/external influences had no impact (any external influences would have made me straight as thats what i was exposed to over my youth), i did however choose to act on it and accept that i was gay and all that goes with it.

yes its great that people share their stories, they are all unique, valid and different, but then don't use one word in that story to back up your 'choice' theory ;-)

It sounds to me like you want to be straight is all...and would rather not admit to it. To me, this continues to seem to be a case of internalized homophobia. In other words, I still don't understand why the concept of choice in the matter is so triggering; there's nothing wrong with being gay. So what if someone (I understand, someone not being you) chooses to be gay...if that's what they want? What's so upsetting about that? You seem awfully bitter over all of this. And I suppose I'm simply...not on that page with you.

Regardless, I am glad you found a way to live with it. Which is good. We all know not everyone manages to accomplish that. I get the sense I never faced the obstacles that you have. No one ever expected me to be straight when I was young. Actually, quite the opposite...they expected me to be gay. And that's the social pressure I caved to.

 

[deleted1074483]

It sounds to me like you want to be straight is all...and would rather not admit to it. To me, this continues to seem to be a case of internalized homophobia. In other words, I still don't understand why the concept of choice in the matter is so triggering; there's nothing wrong with being gay. So what if someone (I understand, someone not being you) chooses to be gay...if that's what they want? What's so upsetting about that? You seem awfully bitter over all of this. And I suppose I'm simply...not on that page with you.

Regardless, I am glad you found a way to live with it. Which is good. We all know not everyone manages to accomplish that. I get the sense I never faced the obstacles that you have. No one ever expected me to be straight when I was young. Actually, quite the opposite...they expected me to be gay. And that's the social pressure I caved to.

nope i'm not bitter about it at all - i long ago accepted who i was.

I think a lot of gay men would 'choose' to be straight if they could and many more have lived as a 'straight' person because of that social pressure on them to act in a certain way which was not their natural instinct at all.

Being gay can be difficult which is why yes some of us struggled to deal with it when we realised what/who we were, less so now than in the past, but in many parts of the world gays are persecuted for being who they are - do you think they would 'choose' to live in fear of their lives for being who they were if they could simply choose to be something else?

But irrespective - you cannot choose to be gay - its not like choosing what you're going to eat for lunch you know ;-)

Struggling with your sexuality is not the same as wishing you were something else nor is it necessarily internalised homophobia - it is just difficult/takes time to come to terms with what it means for you and your future/how you might live etc.

it is for all of these reasons and what those of us who had NO choice in the matter but to just be, find some of these discussions 'triggering' as you put it.

And people from all backgrounds, of all ages/races etc still struggle with this.

And to repeat what i and others have said before, if people start to believe its a choice then they'll start to exert pressure on people to not 'choose' to live that way. Decades of fighting to live and be accepted for who we are goes out the window at that point.

 

[Brodie888]

I was very lucky, I am able to pass as straight so I was able to come out on my terms at a time of my choosing.

Not everyone is as fortunate. There are a lot of gay and bisexual men who have been physically assaulted, verbally abused, tortured, brain washed, disowned by their friends and families, fired from their jobs, excommunicated from their church, etc etc etc.

If sexuality was a choice, why would someone choose to go through all those things when life would have been so much simpler by choosing to be something else?

 

[benson19]

I was very lucky, I am able to pass as straight so I was able to come out on my terms at a time of my choosing.

Not everyone is as fortunate. There are a lot of gay and bisexual men who have been physically assaulted, verbally abused, tortured, brain washed, disowned by their friends and families, fired from their jobs, excommunicated from their church, etc etc etc.

If sexuality was a choice, why would someone choose to go through all those things when life would have been so much simpler by choosing to be something else?

Very well said, all true and i couldn't have said it better my self!

 

[1373263]

It sounds to me like you want to be straight is all...and would rather not admit to it. To me, this continues to seem to be a case of internalized homophobia. In other words, I still don't understand why the concept of choice in the matter is so triggering; there's nothing wrong with being gay. So what if someone (I understand, someone not being you) chooses to be gay...if that's what they want? What's so upsetting about that? You seem awfully bitter over all of this. And I suppose I'm simply...not on that page with you.

Regardless, I am glad you found a way to live with it. Which is good. We all know not everyone manages to accomplish that. I get the sense I never faced the obstacles that you have. No one ever expected me to be straight when I was young. Actually, quite the opposite...they expected me to be gay. And that's the social pressure I caved to.

No, it's a case of "I want to be accepted for who I am", as a person, not treated and abused like a freak and defined by my sexuality. If the greater "other" feels there is nothing wrong with being gay, or bent, or queer, or a fag, or whatever term is used to define another person based on their sexuality, then why are these terms applied to so many gay or bi people on a daily basis, in a way that highlights their "difference"?

I didn't choose my sexuality, that is to be sexually attracted to be both sexes. At various times in my adult life I have had periods where I had sex with women exclusively, periods where I had sex with men and women, periods where I have been so confused about my sexual feelings that I drank to block it out and now I'm trying sex exclusively with a man. This is a choice only because a female FB wants me to be the father to her children, I'd really like to but I need to explore the option of excusive sex with a man because this is the direction things have gone in over the 18 months- more sex with men, less with women; no sex with women for a year and I don't miss it, BF is great company and great in bed.

If you happen to be attracted to men and this is what is expected of you, or happen to be attracted to women and this is what is expected to you, do people feel you have made a "choice", or it that just how you are? Chances are your sexuality won't even register and you certainly won't be defined by it as long as any differences from the cultural norm are concealed. Ask any bi person when they learnt to "pass" and how important it is to do so, and you may understand why the word "choice" provokes a response.

The term "internalised homophobia" gets a belly laugh from me as some sort of woke pseudo- psychological BS . Define someone by their sexuality, and proceed to mentally and sometimes physically beat them throughout their lifetime with an opinion that they have "chosen" a deviant path and deserve special treatment, and the result would accurately described as PTSD- same as any other abuse for any reason.

 

[tremarro]

(I'am mexican, excuse my writing)

Some time ago, my brother told me: " How do you know you don't like woman, if you haven't fuck one? You must sleep with one, and then decide".
And I answered : "Just because I don't like them. I don't feel any attraction".
"Well", he told me, "I'll pay you a hooker, my treat. And then you'll decide".
"OK, perfect." I respond happily. "I will try to fuck a hooker, and then you'll fuck with a guy, a male hooker".
"What??? Are you crazy? Thats disgusting!!!!", he react.
"Why???? How do yo know you don't like men if....".
"OK. I understand" he interrupt me, " the same disgusting images in my head about a naked men, are the same disgusting images of a woman in............"

There is nothing in this world that make "like" the female body.

My straight friends knows i'm gay since we where young (we are 57 now), they have mixed feelings because I look straight. We all are Mexican. We all live in Monterrey, Mexico.

In my mind there was never a "choose" option. Born Gay. Live gay.



I was born gay. My siblings are straight. We all have the same education, punishments, happiness, schools... And I am Gay and they not.

To me, theres no known power that can change the sexual orientation. You are straight or you are Gay. But not a decision .

 

[bigtoad]

My choice was only acceptance of myself. Lucky, I guess, that nothing bad Because has happened to Me. Love Towards All.

 

[JoeRoscoe]

Of course not. And I don't say that because there were no positive role models for gay men when I was growing up. I say "of course not" because it doesn't make any sense. How would someone "choose" something as deeply intrinsic as sexual and romantic orientation? How would someone even go about "choosing" that? It's like choosing what kind of puberty to have. It doesn't make any sense as a concept. Even though they had every reason to choose it, it's equally impossible to imagine heterosexuals "choosing" to be straight. It's just not the way the world works.

 

[deleted18388141]

Nobody can choose to be gay.. to be part of a minority .. to be at risk in countries where u can die for just having gay ideas or being suspected ro be gay.. to be bullied.. to be at a corner of life where u have to be tough quickly! And to fight for every little nor al right because we live in a homophobic world! In someplaces it s less than others but this question is like asking someone did you choose to have your eyes colour
thanks