Do you have internalized homophobia? Do you acknowledge it?

[Topher the Gopher]

I suppose time will tell. I'm no psychologist, but what exactly makes you recoil from the idea of a long-term relationship?

 

[deleted28504631]

I suppose time will tell. I'm no psychologist, but what exactly makes you recoil from the idea of a long-term relationship?

With men? I don't know. Good old fashioned fear of coming out of the closet, I guess? For a long time I simply couldn't see myself in that position and I didn't find the thought appealing in the least. Lately, the idea has grown on me but I can't seem to get past the physical attraction part.

 

[Unicorno2992]

Probably yeah. I was pretty confused when I was teen, but i think i'm bisexual. I've never really liked being queer or lgbt or whatever. I don't like most gays, i don't like lgbt culture (the pride, parties, gay marriage etc...) and I don't think i'll ever have gay sex. But I also can't deny my attraction to men, which is stronger than my attraction to women. I guess my luck is that i'm pretty straight passing. But it's not like I cry myself to sleep every night. I've made amends with what I am. It's just a bit of a bother. Also never coming out, forget that lol. I think my position is summed up with a hypothetical question: If tomorrow someone brought me a cure for being bisexual, would I take it? Absolutely yes.

 

[bigboaster]

If I'm honest, I think what I need is probably a bit of both. My biggest problem is that I go out looking to hook up with a guy but there's none I find attractive except for the 10s that are out of my league. Being my own armchair psychologist, I'd say that I probably hold unrealistically high standards for men as a sort of defense mechanism because I'm still not ready to fully visualize myself in a relationship with one. By keeping my attraction to men at arm's lenght and relegated to unattainable goals it can remain a fantasy, separed by a computer screen, and that way I avoid coming to terms with it.

Or something. I don't know, I'm not a therapist and I'm too broke to pay for one.

Hey buddy, the level of self introspection and self awareness you're capable of here... puts you leagues above, I'd say, 80% of this website userbase? You're doing great and you seem quite mature at the very least. Work things out at your own pace and however you feel comfortable. No need to beat yourself up.

At least you seem to be willing to look inward and do some soul searching. Which many in life seem unable or unwilling to even attempt to do. I think this type of self examination is something everyone should seek out. We all have our issues and demons, some more serious that others.

 

[FrankTO]

I was never confused about the fact that I am 100% gay, it's always been obvious. But I don't get drag, or women for that matter. I don't dislike them, I just feel more comfortable in a masculine environment. I wouldn't say it's internalized homophobia though. It's just that not all gays have a "feminine" side or idealize women. We're all different.

 

[deleted28504631]

Probably yeah. I was pretty confused when I was teen, but i think i'm bisexual. I've never really liked being queer or lgbt or whatever. I don't like most gays, i don't like lgbt culture (the pride, parties, gay marriage etc...) and I don't think i'll ever have gay sex. But I also can't deny my attraction to men, which is stronger than my attraction to women. I guess my luck is that i'm pretty straight passing. But it's not like I cry myself to sleep every night. I've made amends with what I am. It's just a bit of a bother. Also never coming out, forget that lol. I think my position is summed up with a hypothetical question: If tomorrow someone brought me a cure for being bisexual, would I take it? Absolutely yes.

Ngl, I've played with that same "cure" hypothetical myself. I decided that if it existed, I wouldn't want to cure my bisexuality but I would like to modify my character settings, like in a video game. I'd make it so that my sexual attraction was split maybe 60% women and 40% men, unlike irl which is probably the other way around.

 

[Unicorno2992]

i'd be grateful if I were in your position. My attraction to women is relatively low, which makes sexual and romantic interactions that much harder. It stings even more because I really want kids and marriage, but my attraction is primarily with men. Most of the pornography and masturbation fantasies I have are with men, with women it's much harder to have them.

 

[deleted28504631]

i'd be grateful if I were in your position. My attraction to women is relatively low, which makes sexual and romantic interactions that much harder. It stings even more because I really want kids and marriage, but my attraction is primarily with men. Most of the pornography and masturbation fantasies I have are with men, with women it's much harder to have them.

No, same for me. If I'm honest it's probably closer to 30% women, 70% men, maybe even a bigger split. I'm on the same boat, I want a lasting relationship with a woman but sexually...it's not that I can't get hard, but I get much harder and with much more intense orgasms when I masturbate to men. Most if not all of my sex fantasies are about men and the vast majority of the times I jerk off is to men.

Occasionally, there'll be a break in the cycle and I'd be really into women for a while. Like, currently, for example, this insta model is driving me wild:

I have a folder with her pics and everything, but sometimes I'm jerking off to her and suddenly I just don't feel like it anymore and I switch to a photo of Chris Hemsworth fully clothed or just of his face to kind of "prove" to myself how gay I am. And sure enough, I cum in seconds, with a harder dick and a bigger cumshot. And then I just get kind of depressed about it. Like, this isn't who I want to be. I wish I was actually fully bi, because sometimes I think that's not even true.

 

[Unicorno2992]

Ngl, I've played with that same "cure" hypothetical myself. I decided that if it existed, I wouldn't want to cure my bisexuality but I would like to modify my character settings, like in a video game. I'd make it so that my sexual attraction was split maybe 60% women and 40% men, unlike irl which is probably the other way around.

No, same for me. If I'm honest it's probably closer to 30% women, 70% men, maybe even a bigger split. I'm on the same boat, I want a lasting relationship with a woman but sexually...it's not that I can't get hard, but I get much harder and with much more intense orgasms when I masturbate to men. Most if not all of my sex fantasies are about men and the vast majority of the times I jerk off is to men.

Occasionally, there'll be a break in the cycle and I'd be really into women for a while. Like, currently, for example, this insta model is driving me wild:

View attachment 136999891

I have a folder with her pics and everything, but sometimes I'm jerking off to her and suddenly I just don't feel like it anymore and I switch to a photo of Chris Hemsworth fully clothed or just of his face to kind of "prove" to myself how gay I am. And sure enough, I cum in seconds, with a harder dick and a bigger cumshot. And then I just get kind of depressed about it. Like, this isn't who I want to be. I wish I was actually fully bi, because sometimes I think that's not even true.

I can relate with the struggles of not knowing if I'm "truly" bi. When puberty hit I actually thought I was gay, before realizing my sexual and romantic attraction to women take much longer to form than it does for men. It would be much easier just to be a "boring" straight or "promiscuous" gay than having to deal with this shit. I tried dating a bi guy in college last december, it didn't really work out since we're both in the closet and not particularly comfortable with exploring eachothers bodies. Oh well. Cute girl btw.

 

[deleted19462351]

Definitely, from benefiting of being straight passing (though keen eyes might notice some things) to not disclosing my bisexuality to most people (people get really weird about it so I'd rather not)

When I see loud gays for a split second I tend to think of how annoying they are or that their outfits are ridiculous, then I have to remind myself that I'm no position to judge and that people should wear and be the way they feel they should and has nothing to do with me.

Or me mostly going for masculine stuff or how good it feels to beat a straight guy in something (sports, games, at work, etc...)

 

[Jack Frederick]

I certainly did, and no doubt still have some. I got over it by sucking gay cock. I avoided gay until one day a single gay guy started chatting with me. He was SO much more comfortable with to chat with than anyone I'd met, and I let him suck me in a matter of minutes. I wish I'd met him ten years earlier.

 

[eafvw]

I wrestled with and thought I got over my internalized homophobia in high school and college. Recently I dated a top for the first time and the adjustment to accepting I had bottomed for another man triggered it all over again.

 

[azn1star]

I wrestled with and thought I got over my internalized homophobia in high school and college. Recently I dated a top for the first time and the adjustment to accepting I had bottomed for another man triggered it all over again.

As much as I want to say I don't and I got over my internal struggles, I think I still have internal homophobia. I support homosexuality and am gay myself but I still can't grapple saying out loud in real life, "I am gay."

Is it out of shame? Out of the complacency of "straight living?" Out of my internal homophobia? I don't know. It's a lot to think about. And when I think about dating a guy (and sadly I never did) I shut down. Thankfully I have a friend that is pushing me into the gay space.

Sorry, long rambles. I think I do have it. And see that when I mentally judge gays for being "too gay" or "he's too loud." I still outwardly support them and are friends with them. But internally or at least mentally, I can't stop myself from thinking, "um ... that guy is REALLY gay."

 

[malakos]

Most of the times I've seen this term used it's been because the given homo expressed conventional attitudes about some aspect of sexuality or even gender norms and didn't directly have anything to do with homosexuality. In other words, the issue is that the users of the term who have a distorted conception of what being homosexual basically entails (one could argue that linking homosexuality to femininity, for example, as the users of "internalized homophobia" often do, is itself homophobic), rather than that the accused actually has any problem with his homosexuality. For this reason I generally dismiss "internalized homophobia" discourse as bullshit.

 

[azn1star]

Most of the times I've seen this term used it's been because the given homo expressed conventional attitudes about some aspect of sexuality or even gender norms and didn't directly have anything to do with homosexuality. In other words, the issue is that the users of the term who have a distorted conception of what being homosexual basically entails (one could argue that linking homosexuality to femininity, for example, as the users of "internalized homophobia" often do, is itself homophobic), rather than that the accused actually has any problem with his homosexuality. For this reason I generally dismiss "internalized homophobia" discourse as bullshit.

I think you have an interesting take on what is internal homophobia but I have to disagree. I don't think it is bullshit. When I think "he's too gay" I introspected my language as a derogatory (homophobic) statement. That's why I do think I have, to a degree, internal homophobia.

But am I a bad person for thinking this way? idk. I know I will never let this stupid thought affect my friendships nor lessen how I feel about people. But it is something I internally think and I have to live with it and be cognizant.

 

[malakos]

I think you have an interesting take on what is internal homophobia but I have to disagree. I don't think it is bullshit. When I think "he's too gay" I introspected my language as a derogatory (homophobic) statement. That's why I do think I have, to a degree, internal homophobia.

But am I a bad person for thinking this way? idk. I know I will never let this stupid thought affect my friendships nor lessen how I feel about people. But it is something I internally think and I have to live with it and be cognizant.

In your case I assume the remark didn't actually have anything to do with homosexuality, wasn't intended to say anything about homosexuality, and that you knew it was totally impertinent to homosexuality. Thus, how could it truly be an expression of homophobia?

 

[azn1star]

In your case I assume the remark didn't actually have anything to do with homosexuality, wasn't intended to say anything about homosexuality, and that you knew it was totally impertinent to homosexuality. Thus, how could it truly be an expression of homophobia?

No, it is homophodia. I use the word "gay" derogatorily as in "being too gay is bad."
And "gay" in the metaphorical sense of perception of how a boy, who loves another boy, acts.

 

[malakos]

No, it is homophodia. I use the word "gay" derogatorily as in "being too gay is bad."
And "gay" in the metaphorical sense of perception of how a boy, who loves another boy, acts.

But the derogation isn't directed towards homosexuality, nor even exactly truly towards homosexuals.

 

[bigboaster]

Most of the times I've seen this term used it's been because the given homo expressed conventional attitudes about some aspect of sexuality or even gender norms and didn't directly have anything to do with homosexuality. In other words, the issue is that the users of the term who have a distorted conception of what being homosexual basically entails (one could argue that linking homosexuality to femininity, for example, as the users of "internalized homophobia" often do, is itself homophobic), rather than that the accused actually has any problem with his homosexuality. For this reason I generally dismiss "internalized homophobia" discourse as bullshit.

Well I think the use/context of the word internalized makes the difference here. I think both can be acceptable.

1) I think it's possible for someone to not have issues with themselves "being gay" personally, as in it doesn't bother them... but might still see other gays (or gays as a whole) as being inferior or weaker or immoral etc. for certain traits/behaviors that they possess.

Think about a classic case of an anti-gay politician who is sleeping with male tricks behind closed doors while passing laws that restrict rights of gay people.

2) There is of course the other usage which would be a gay guy who hates himself for "being gay" and wants to change that or avoid that identity if possible.

For example an adult man who is attracted to men but for religious/moral reasons seeks out conversion therapy and then lives a "straight life" since being gay is wrong or sinful in his eyes